What am I not doing?

[WakeUpTea]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I'm not sure that I do understand this. When I inquire, "Who Am I?", the answer is, "Me", and sometimes it's, "I have no idea." But, I really feel like a me. I feel that deeply. Is that me an illusion? It doesn't feel that way. I can't seem to get past that sense of me. It's very believed.

What are you looking for at LU?
I'm looking for a noticeable shift in identity. That shift where I know I'm not a "me". A shift where I no longer feel "separate." At least that's what I think I'm looking for. That's what I've been told needs to happen. But honestly, I don't know for sure what I'm looking for. I am certainly compelled to look into "this". Whatever "this" is. Also, what am I missing? What am I not seeing? As I type this, it's all so confusing.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Direct pointing. I'm very tired of seeking. But I also can't seem to stop seeking. It's exhausting. Let's just cut to the chase and get directly to the point. I'm a bit scared and possibly resistant. I've done most everything on my own and maybe I've gone as far as I can. I do not like asking for help. But I guess I need help. I look forward to guidance.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I sit silently 2 times nearly everyday. I inquire "Who am I?" Sometimes I inquire, "What is Mu?", or just "Mu." I do body scanning and sit in the body sensations regulary. I also practice watching my thoughts and observing my breath. I've practice Trauma Release Exercises. I've also read many of the books that are listed on this websites library. I read very little now.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 9

[Lubo]

Hey, welcome to the forum.
I hear you—and I want you to know, you’re already being held.

My name is Lubo, and if it feels right for you, I’d be honored to walk alongside you as your guide.

You mentioned the inquiry “Who am I?”
So, let’s begin gently:
Take a look at your hand.
Now… who is looking?

Can you describe the one who sees?
What do you find when you turn awareness inward?

You’re not alone anymore. I’m here with you.
With much love,
Lubo

[WakeUpTea]

Hi Lubo,
Thank you for reaching out to me. I'd love to have you as a guide.

I'm looking at my hand.
Who is looking?
I am looking at my hand.

Can I describe the one who sees?
Not really. It's I who sees. What is that I that sees? It's like trying to stand back and describe something else. Another me that sees. But that would not be correct. As it's the me that's standing back trying to describe what sees. That's two I's. The I that sees is the I that's trying to describe. It does feel like two I's are there. But I only feel the sense of one I. Just me. The one that's trying to describe another.

What do I find when I turn awareness inward?
My body sensations. Subtle ache in the knees and calves. Heaviness in the legs and biceps. Light pressure along the back of my neck and left side of my throat.
The in and out of breathe.
The thoughts thinking these words before they are typed.
The noise of the dishwasher, the air conditioning running, and my dog moving on the floor.
I feel cold air on my nose, fingers and toes.
A buzz in the ears.
Wandering off in thought. Then coming into awareness that I've wandered off.
All things that I'm noticing.

But, what do I find? As if I'm looking for something inward?
I only find these sensations, sounds, thoughts, feelings. In awareness, I can also feel that sense of I observing. Something does feel separate here. Hard to describe.

Thank you for being here with me.
Heidi

[Lubo]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'd love to have you as a guide.

Mmm, nice to meet you!

You wrote:

“What do I find when I turn awareness inward? My body sensations.”

Let’s look at this, word by word:

“My” — what is the shape of the owner?

“Body” — imagine you’ve never heard the word “body” before.
Forget for a moment that you know the body is made of meat, blood, and bones.
Just for one second, drop every idea and concept about what a body is.

Now, delete the word “body” completely — for just one second.

Then, the word “brain”, and the image of a head with a grey fat ball inside — delete that too, just for a moment.

Also delete the idea that you were born — just for one second.

And now, notice:

Where do thoughts and sensations appear from — and to?
What is the form of that they arise in?
What is this only real “no-thing” from which every thought, sensation, and emotion appears?

I am with you.

Love,
Lubo

[WakeUpTea]

Hi Lubo,

You asked:
“My” — what is the shape of the owner?

What is the shape of the owner of "my?"
Who owns my?
Just confusion here.
There's not an answer.
There's no shape to "my."

Where do thoughts and sensations appear from — and to?
Thoughts and sensations just appear. I don't know where from.

and to?
They appear to me, or some sense of me. But I'm using "sense" again. So, sensation is appearing to another "sensation" that I sense is "me."
So, where is the sensation of "me" or "I" appearing from?
Nowhere? I don't know.

What is the form of that they arise in?
Dropping the body, brain, and birth, what is the form that thoughts and sensations arise in?
They don't arise in any form. But they arise in something. They arise. Or at least they seem to.

What is this only real “no-thing” from which every thought, sensation, and emotion appears?
I really don't have any idea what that real "no-thing" is. Thoughts, sensations, and emotions seem to appear. I don't know what else to say about this.

Wow and thank you,
Heidi

[Lubo]

Wow, nice Heidi!



Let’s take a small step together —
Just for a moment, see the body as made of light.

How does the experience shift?
What changes when form becomes radiance?

With you,
Lubo

[WakeUpTea]

Hi Lubo,

I’m struggling with this exercise of seeing this body as made of light. It’s like I don’t believe that. Or I’m using my imagination? Maybe it’s Uncomfortable. Then self-doubt like “I’m not doing this right” comes up. I want to keep exploring it.

Heidi

[Lubo]

Hi dear Heidi,

Ooo, no problem at all — forget about that.
I only wanted to give you a taste of freedom, and it’s not your fault if it didn’t quite land. :)

Let’s gently clarify what we’re pointing to:
The recognition that Something invisible — not a thing — is appearing as this human form called Heidi.

I’d love to invite you to realize this in a soft, beautiful way:

Look at something you love — a pen, a flower, a cup...
Can you feel the unconditional love that arises in you toward it?
Let’s call that Cosmic Love or Awareness — not a personal feeling, but something universal.
How does it feel?

Now, turn that same love toward the mind, the emotions, and the body.
Notice the shift:

— This love is cosmic, not personal.
— And what is being loved… is also not a personal event.

The mind — is it really “someone”?
Or is it something that arises from this love, and is held by it, in the exact way it appears?
Look behind the eyes, the body, and the mind.
What is truly real —
that which appears,
or where it appears from?


With love,
Lubo