In the desert, looking for the gateless gate

[Noknot]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That there is no 'I'. When we commonly refer to I/me/mine, we believe (for whatever reason) there to be some coherent thing or self that is that I. But when I look there, I find nothing, there is nothing to grasp there. At most I can state there is a sense of empty space.

What are you looking for at LU?
To truly realize the unreality of the I. Or, to realize there is no realising etc etc. As such, I am looking for a guide to point me out of what Richard Sylvester calls the Desert, after awakening yet prior to liberation.

I feel o may have had the non-jolt out of self last year, ego latched on and drew 'me' back, and now things are starting to subtly shift. So, I am looking for a final guide of sorts to help dissipate remaining false doubts.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Someone to mercilessly check my assumptions and stories and falseness, and in doing so, solely point That which I Am back to itself, helping me to realize no self. I expect only pointing, and have nothing more to add here.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
A long (15+ years) of general seeking going through various things. As for enquiry, I have found self-enquiry helpful (maybe, though the causality is off really), and I find focusing on the self of Amness before sleep the most helpful.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[graceabounds]

Hello,

Thanks for your patience in waiting for a guide. I’m happy to be present with you in this inquiry if you are ready to get started.

-Becca

[Noknot]

Hello Becca,

Nice to meet you. I am ready to get started. Thank you.

- J

[graceabounds]

Great J,

Right now, this moment—look: Where is the actual “I”?

Not the story that says there’s no I. Not the idea that says “there’s only space.” Not a philosophy or realization.

Right now—where is the one who’s experiencing this?
Is there an experiencer? A center? A location?

When you say “I find nothing”—what is finding that? Can you find the finder?

Stop answering from memory. Stop answering from teachings. :)

What’s here before the next thought arises?
Stay there.
Tell me now, from that place: what moves the body? What writes these words? Who chooses?

Look. Not conceptually. Not subtly.
Right now—what is doing this?

Answer only from what’s directly happening. Don’t back off into safe abstractions (that’s the Desert writing poetry about sand).

-Becca

[Noknot]

Where is the actual "I"?

It is. Already was, had to be.

Right now—where is the one who’s experiencing this?

They are. Or, experience is.

Is there an experiencer? A center? A location?

There is experience. A center, the sensation of the body, says' it's a center, but as to experience itself, it just is. A location? Wherever being is.

When you say “I find nothing”—what is finding that? Can you find the finder?

Awareness is finding it, that which is aware of being. On trying to find the finder, my brain shorts out and there is just 'empty' being.

What’s here before the next thought arises?
Stay there.
Tell me now, from that place: what moves the body? What writes these words? Who chooses?

Before the next thought is this. These words happened. These words happened.

---

This is the most I can say, there are still these but but buts that arise, almost in a panic.

- J

[graceabounds]

These words happened.

Yes. Not you wrote them. They happened. Without anyone doing them. :)

there are still these but but buts that arise, almost in a panic

Let’s zoom into that.

The panic—don’t run. Don’t label it. Don’t interpret it. Go into it now.

Where is it in the body?

Exactly where.

What does it feel like, moment by moment?

Does it want to escape? To cling? To know something?

Let it do what it does. Let it vibrate.

Can you see that the “but but but” isn’t you—it’s just part of the happening? A protective pattern firing off, trying to re-establish the center?

Feel it fully.

Who is panicking?
Look precisely. Not in concepts.

Where is the one who wants to escape?

Look. And describe what you find.
Stay Raw. Immediate. No conclusions. No summary.

[Noknot]

The panic—don’t run. Don’t label it. Don’t interpret it. Go into it now.

Where is it in the body?

Across the top of my chest. Light fear.

What does it feel like, moment by moment?

It feels like the internal statement 'It can't[i/] be that simple!', as if it (whatever it is) doesn't want to allow something. It is clinging, and yet it has no resources from which to cling. So it is...just clinging, emptily.

Does it want to escape? To cling? To know something?

It's clinging. Kind of tearful, even. There's fear. Like something doesn't want to say goodbye. If 'I' sit with it, it changes subtly into a light, full-body vibration, tingling.

Who is panicking?

The body is in slight panic (increased heartrate), and that which thinks it it is an 'I' tries to latch on. As to the 'who' of the panicking, there is only the sensation of panic alone, like an island.

Where is the one who wants to escape?

When I use awareness to look, there is no one to be found outside of light sensations of fear, cowering, and hiding. Like something that isn't is trying to hide so 'it' can reappear when 'I' am not looking. There's a tiredness that comes with it too. Like all 'I' want is to let go - more than anything I just want to let this thing/it/feeling go, and then 'it' will be done.

[graceabounds]

Yes. You’re in it J. Don’t blink now.

The one that wants to let go—that’s the last contraction. That’s still “I.” Control sneaking in the back door wearing a robe that says “surrender.” Letting go is just another form of doing—if “you” are the one trying to do it.

Now stop. Be still.
Let the panic tremble. Let the fear cower. Let the sensation be like wind through an empty shell.
And do nothing about it.
Let it all fall apart.

The clinging can’t hold on, because there’s nothing to hold. And the one that says “just want to let this thing/it/feeling go”…. Where is that one??

Go there. Again.
Don’t _describe_ the tiredness. Don’t explain. Don’t plead.
Look.

Right now, can you find the one who is tired? Can you find the one who wants anything at all?

Is there anyone doing this? Or just a cascade of sensations, tensions, pulses, vibrations—and nothing behind it?

What is here now, without the idea of “me”?

[Noknot]

do nothing about it.

The false meter gets caught up trying to do nothing, trying to watch as the panic should disappear.

Where is that one??

I go here and there's nothing, it's like I'm looking through my chest, my body. The sensation is of my empty body, feeling light, as if at any moment my supposed boundary could evaporate and I'll finally be able to breathe.

Can you find the one who wants anything at all?

I'm still. I look. Nothing nothing nothing. Like between here and not here, and yet, still a felt sense of expectation, of very very very subtle release should be forthcoming.

What is here now, without the idea of “me”?

Sensations that comprise and create all of This.

There's just this...belief in a tension, lower stomach, between the eyes as a frown, like a rubber band that needs to defense and then it will disappear. It's like I am searching for a final, completing sigh.

[graceabounds]

There is still one who searches, one who resists.

It's like I am searching for a final, completing sigh.

That’s the last lie. It won’t be. And that’s freedom.
That tension isn’t IN the way. It isn’t separate from what’s happening. The search for a final sigh is the “me.”

See it?

The tension isn’t blocking awakening. It is awakening. As it is. Don’t wait for a shift. Don’t expect relief. That frown behind the eyes, that pull in the gut—it’s just more sensation. Not evidence of an “I” that needs to go. Where is the link between these sensations and the thoughts that interpret them?

Right now. Let it stay. Let it twitch. Let it scream for resolution. (I am using words like ‘let it’ but knowing there is already no one there to do the letting, so drop out of that slippery positionality too and simply frowning arises, twitching just is. The moment you become the one who allows, witnesses, holds space, accepts, lets go, watches—it’s seeker whack-a-mole.)

And notice: nothing is missing. Not even this.

Can you stay in this exact point—not waiting for anything?
What is not already liberated?

[Noknot]

There is still one who searches, one who resists.

This resistance feels utterly empty. As if this (false) final separation is literally the idea of empty separation for it's own sake alone, it has nothing to compare to right now.

Where is the link between these sensations and the thoughts that interpret them?

I am still and looking now. No link. The chest flutters are. The tension is in space. It is there. Part of That. Is that.

What is not already liberated?

I sit and not wait. I expect nothing. Feeling tries to expect, but there are no thoughts. I am looking out of the window at a roof and a tree. They are there. Light feeling still of...not wanting to allow That to 'merge' with This, even though I intellectually know they are One.

In stillness nothing is missing. Itches happen and scratching happen. Body feels light. Seeing is flatter. Yet...yet! There is just this feeling, the smallest constriction somewhere, center of chest, feels like the only way it could disappear is quietly and alone, it's very delicate. That's how it feels.

Perhaps the clinging is gone. It (false I) wants to 'join in' and now only has the lightest of feelings to try hold onto.

I hope this makes some sense.

[graceabounds]

Yes. It makes perfect sense. Because it’s what remains when the self collapses and still…something twitches. This is the echo. The ghost. The faintest perfume of “I” trying to reform itself in the ashes of awakening. It thinks there must be something left, something missing, something wrong.

But look: the only thing giving that last tightness meaning is the STORY about it. And you just saw—there’s no link between thought and sensation. No link between flutter and interpretation!

So now what?
That little flutter in the chest… doesn’t mean anything. Let it stay. Let it dance. It’s not a “resistance.” It’s just what’s happening. You don’t need to do anything with it—not release, not integrate, not heal.

No joining. No merging. Just…this. Already joined. Already not two.

There never was an I.

Now say it. Not as belief, not as insight. Say it from here, from this silence, from what’s already always been true:
“There is no separate self at all, never has been, never will be.”

What emerges?

[Noknot]

So now what?

Sitting. Looking. Typing. Bodily feeling. Thoughts arise dampened, like they're distant.

What emerges?

Nothing emerges. No-thing emerges. There is this.

And, another 'yet', still a background notion, feint idea, that if I do wishes, I could get up and *do* things, *control* things. So I look for that which says it could be a doer, a controller...nothing, brain shorts out, blank, only the screen of sensation before me.

Still feel caught in a non-loop.

[graceabounds]

Excellent J.

The blankness is the answer to this background notion (which is a thought) but let’s explore:

1. Place both hands on a table in front of you, palms down.
2. When you have done that, rest for a moment and then raise one hand in the air but not the other.

Don't go to thoughts, examine your direct experience. Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:
What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?
What is it that is controlling the hand?
Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
How is the decision made?

And then answer this, finally and ruthlessly:
Can ANYTHING be done?

Not intellectually. In the bones.
Can “you” do anything at all?

[Noknot]

What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?

Nothing. Nothing there. Raising happens. Not even left or right, that phenomena moves (this is the closest I've come to truly sensing my body is That)

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?

No. The body moves.

What is it that is controlling the hand?

I can only conclude it is controlled. It moves.

Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
How is the decision made?

The body as that matters IS the moving.
The decision isn't a decision. It happens. (Difficult to accept mentally, maybe impossible to accept intellectually)

Can ANYTHING be done?

In felt sense, no. Still a behind the scenes echo of disbelief.

Can “you” do anything at all?

Can't find a me. So the question doesn't arise, doesn't seem to arise.