1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there’s no entity or structure that’s outside of life experiencing life. The things that show up labelled as ‘me’ or ‘mine’ (opinions, emotions, preferences) are made up of thoughts and sensations, that are just popping up in the field just like everything else - sound, light, etc.
There were only ever thoughts that involved a concept of ‘me’, but that is an empty concept that doesn’t point to anything concrete.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
I don’t know when it starts, but my earliest memory involves a thought of “me” and “you”.
It’s always starting. It’s not something that started in the past and kept going consistently until it stopped recently. It’s a recurrent habit, but it’s never more than a thought or series of thoughts arising in reaction to events. Each of these thoughts is happening for the first time. I have not been holding one ‘self’ concept for 37 years.
When those thoughts are linked to physical sensations, they can be labelled as emotions or beliefs, things that appear realer or stronger or threatening. But when looked at directly, it’s never more than a momentary sequence of thoughts, or a commentary about sensation.
All of this is happening organically or like clockwork or a rube goldberg machine. One thing setting off another, the data updating the algorithm. There is nothing outside the process that is acting on the process or making decisions about the direction the process will head in.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels like a relief. Gradually, there are less and less attempts to control the outcome of life, as it becomes clear that control was never part of the equation. Less attempts to improve myself as it becomes clear that’s an impossible idea.
Flip-flopping between thoughts like “I’ve got a lot of work to do. A lot of fears to see through. I have to buckle up, take a deep breath” and the realization that there is no me doing anything here, it’s just the process doing itself, and that the obstacles aren’t there.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look? Was there a moment of shift with a distinct before and after?
One thing that caused a shift was looking closely at how sight works. Seeing that there is not an observer sitting behind my eyes, looking at a tree outside, processing it inside my mind. Instead, the appearance of the tree IS the perception of the tree, happening nowhere separate to where the tree is. The tree, the ‘observer’ that is aware of the tree, and the act of seeing the tree, are not split up but are one thing happening.
That was a distinct before and after moment.
Then, seeing the self story arise in response to EVERYTHING, including the seeing through of self-based thoughts. The pattern immediately finds a way to make a self story about how “I” am seeing through the illusion of self.
That made it very clear.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. Consider and describe each if these separately.
Decision
Decision is a function of the system, it’s not an action being done by anyone. It’s just movement towards one available direction, whichever the system predicts is favorable.
Then retrofitted commentary about that direction that says ‘I decided…’
Intention
An intention is a thought, with a belief in self woven into it.
It can impact outcomes in the same way that every part of the whole affects outcomes.
Free Will
Free will is a concept that doesn’t really stand up to looking, because there’s no one who can be separate from the whole thing, completely free of it, and making decsions about it. Every
Choice
Choice is the same thing as decision.
Control
Control is a story that the constantly updating self-based narration lays over what is happening. But as it’s just a story, an involuntary thought, it can’t control anything.
6) What makes things happen? How does it work?
I don’t know. The only answers I can give to this come from what I’ve learned or read. It’s a mystery so far. Things are appearing, there is energy and forces of movement, but I don’t know how the whole thing works or how anything comes into existence.
7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
There is no ‘I’ that is responsible for thoughts and action, just dominoes of individual thoughts and actions happening spontaneously according to the influence of present conditions which were set in motion by past events.
The self illusion seems to be responsible for the actions. Like the appearance of the thought ‘My shoulder hurts, I need to do some yoga’ could be responsible for the body doing yoga later that day. But there’s no ‘I’, just the sensation of pain triggering a chain of self-based thoughts about how to change it, triggering the path of the day’s events.
8) Anything to add?
Just a big thank you to you Becca.
