Who am I really?

[razorsedge]

Hey Elad, just an update on where things seem to be now—

I’m still sticking with the question “what am I.” Looking feels open-ended. “What am I?” then… a space. The feeling right now is a mostly relaxed, but somewhat urgent or expectant sense of looking. This even though the mind knows at some level that the answer to the question is not found there. The body feels alive and full of sensation.

The dominant story is still a very subtle belief in the separate self. One that can’t be found on inspection. One that tells itself the story that this looking is for its benefit. One that feels there is something to protect—that this looking is to get it something that will make it safe. One that does not want to look closely at the thought that it is not actually real or separate but that its just being experienced as such. Thoughts protest that idea as if it’s too wild to be true. This one feels like it’s finite and will die.

The story is also very critical of the seeking process, calling it lukewarm, half-assed, etc. It wants to take credit for seeking and also blame for not seeking enough. It wants to grab onto techniques only to let them go soon afterwards. It tends to criticize itself for not wanting to sit and meditate or for getting distracted from seeking by all kinds of stories. “If this is the most important thing to you, why aren’t you doing it ‘better’?”

Thoughts that want to have their cake and eat it too. Like… “I’ll keep seeking but I’ll also not stop living life and enjoying it normally in case all this doesn’t work out.“

At the same time, going back into the story, life in the relative sense has clearly changed. Suffering is much subtler and less frequent, in fact it’s hardly there at all most of the time. It sometimes comes up in response to situations very intensely, be allowed and felt, then dissipate almost as quickly. There’s a lot more love and acceptance of life and of other people. Situations that were previously met with a ton of resistance are now not problems at all. There are lots of undeniable synchronicities.

I sort of hesitate to even believe this story because another story of “making the prison room more comfortable” comes up. I don’t want to settle for that.

Another story that I hesitate to look at because it seems like it’s just another story that’s trying to distract me from looking is that my path is less of a direct path and more one of the heart. So much has changed in that way so quickly. When I read A Course in Miracles or similar it feels breathtakingly beautiful and opening. Direct inquiry sometimes feels open but often ends in more of a feeling of frustration—it’s harder to maintain a beginner’s mind there and start fresh each time.

There’s still some frustration and doubt that the first step hasn’t really been taken but I can also see that that frustration is only here when I give it attention.

[Elad]

Its great with all the sincerity.

Sincerity is the lifeblood of awakening...

Maybe it is not time for you now... Maybe suddenly it will be...

So if you were to move forward in a 100% heart-centered way, what would you change?

[Elad]

I hear your frustration, insecurity and dissatisfaction... I feel ya. Your thoughts about yourself as being insufficient in some way. Your belief that you are real and separate. Don't run away from any of it. See it as clear as possible. Maybe - MAYBE - your desire for awakening is not deep enough, as reflected by your actions (not my judgement, your words). To whatever degree that is the case, you will be "closest to awakening" by fully facing that without neither harshness (ego), drama (ego), self-pitty (ego) ....... And of course, if any of these last ones come up, your are closest to awakening by seeing those without more harshness, or drama or self-pitty... Etc etc. This is the fire you are cooked in, even if it is a weak one (or not).

[Elad]

Here is another way to look at it, maybe it will help:

Given that it is obvious to you that you cannot find a separate self, except as a thought a belief, and given that this thought or belief is not needed for everything to flow (including the experience of the personhood of yourself and others, as part of the whole, part of experience), and given that this thought seems to contribute to so much insecurity and suffering... Maybe you are ready to let it go? And the thought might come again and again, and you can just see again and again that it is just a thought, a belief, that does not add to experience, but does tend to cause suffering..... Such as the suffering you described in your last messages.... Let me know how this lands.

[razorsedge]

Hey Elad,

Thank you again.

It seems that there’s still a belief that I don’t deserve to see no self, otherwise it’d have happened by now. I do see the paradoxical nature of a separate self wanting to see that there’s no separate self. It just keeps coming down to not really knowing what else to do other than just sort of wait.

Right now is full of sensations and feelings that feel like they’re being experienced by someone even though the someone experiencing them can’t be found in the experience. Thoughts constantly say “I” am experiencing or judging experience by what “I” like or don’t like but it’s clear that there’s not anyone controlling the thoughts or generating them and it’s clear that the “I” that they refer to is another thought, and not whatever the experiencer is.

What’s left is life happening as it is with a feeling of there being a controller who can make decisions that direct life towards some things and away from others. Or a judge who can decide what experiences are good and which ones aren’t but also the ability to see that neither the controller or the judge exist outside of thoughts and the thoughts are just a mystery. They feel selfy, familiar, and convincing but still can be seen clearly not to be “me.”

It’s also pretty clear that awakeness already is. Like there can be a moment of clarity in the mind where it’s realized that thoughts aren’t who I am, but that just changes one aspect of what is already being fully experienced without any lack.

Overall it just feels like conceptually I get it about as good as a mind can get it. There must be something though that is still avoidant or that I’m just not willing to let go of. I really don’t know what it is though.

So if you were to move forward in a 100% heart-centered way, what would you change?

I’m not really sure. I supposed it’d mean less emphasis on direct inquiry and more on dropping beliefs. The more I look at it though, the more clear it is that that’s not really what I want to do. I don’t want to give up on the direct approach. I’d only be giving up because I feel inadequate in some way. I can see that with no controller, there’s not anyone to be inadequate, life is adequate, so that story can’t possibly be true.

I’d also somehow missed the last two messages you posted before so I’m just reading them now for the first time.

Maybe you are ready to let it go? And the thought might come again and again, and you can just see again and again that it is just a thought, a belief, that does not add to experience, but does tend to cause suffering..... Such as the suffering you described in your last messages.... Let me know how this lands.

Yes. This feels exactly right. You’re right, repeatedly thinking and believing that I can find a belief in a separate self IS a subtle form of suffering that I hadn’t really noticed as such.

Just like letting go of other beliefs, I can let go of the meta-belief that part of me believes in a separate self.

It seems sort of like trickery but I can see that I’m calling what is simply an uncontrolled thought pattern a “belief” and in that way, sort of taking ownership of it. It feels like I can just notice it and let it go.

[Elad]

Yes!

So just see: in a relational sense you and I are separate, I don't know what animal in a funny color you think of NOW and you don't know what animal with a funny color I think of NOW (blue cat). And none of that needs or will go anywhere as long as we are functional human beings. The only change: You see there is not truly any separate self, that whatever is the actions, wishes, feelings, attitudes, beliefs of "you as a separate self - relationally speaking" is all spontaneously emerging in truth, even effort and logical thinking spontaneously manifest when it does. And so you see that the idea of an ultimately separate self that can control things just brings alienation, judgement, arrogance, shame, isolation, etc.

I assume you can see that you have no real control over thoughts, intentions, movements, etc etc?
And that you cant find any separate self?

Like just in a very simple nothing special way? And then just let all this sink in. That we can speak of separate selfs relationally, this way thinking has its place (my wishes, your wishes, my will, your will, etc), and at the same time we can let go of the ego and burden and arrogance of holding on to the belief in a truly separate self (and you can see it is only a belief with no evidence).

Can you see all this? Can you let all this just sink in.

You are very close.

[razorsedge]

I assume you can see that you have no real control over thoughts, intentions, movements, etc etc?
And that you cant find any separate self?

Like just in a very simple nothing special way? And then just let all this sink in. That we can speak of separate selfs relationally, this way thinking has its place (my wishes, your wishes, my will, your will, etc), and at the same time we can let go of the ego and burden and arrogance of holding on to the belief in a truly separate self (and you can see it is only a belief with no evidence).

Can you see all this? Can you let all this just sink in.

Thank you, and yes, I can see that the sense of control is a grasping thought. I can see that when I ask “what am I” that the question is a thought arising and the waiting for the answer is actually the answer but that it can’t be received by the thought that asked the question.

As a side note, in the last couple days I can sometimes sense how the body and everything else are only knowable as vague and brief sensations that get quickly interpreted thoughts and beliefs. Like it struck me that I don’t really have a back of my head in a pretty literal way. Time has similarly seemed like a really thin concept—it’s not that I don’t believe in time necessarily but I can’t find any evidence for it outside of thought. It makes not only time seem thin but it feeds into the feeling of reality not being “solid.”

Anyway, I’m trying what you said, just to let it sink in. Noticing what’s here, and letting go of the belief that there’s a belief in a separate self.

Thank you again.

[Elad]

You are seeing very clearly - don’t overlook the simplicity of that.

Is there doubt when you read this? Doubt is just another thought arising after clarity.

So let’s look freshly:

Right now, does doubt belong to someone, or is it just another passing thought, like a breeze through an open window?

When you say “I still doubt” or "I still identify", who is the “I” that doubts? Can you actually find it, or is it just another idea appearing?

When clarity is here - when there’s just experience happening - is anything missing?

Is there any effort left to do, to do non-effort? Is there any Gateless Gate that has not been crossed?

[Elad]

Dear guidees,

I will be taking a month of vacation, including from guiding, from May 26th to June 27th. You might want to use the time until May 26th to inquire with great wholeheartedness and beginners mind, maybe "the Gateless Gate will be passed". You might also want to update both of us on where you are in the process, and what is experienced as your wishes and needs now, if any - happy to hear from you before I leave. If during my vacation you feel a need to be supported by an LU guide, two of my trusted fellow guides will be available. During that period, contacting them might also be an opportunity to the get a different input - we never know what input, what energy, will suddenly make what is clear clear.

Fellow guides:

Alan: alan.home.mailbox@gmail.com
Becca: becca@supportedawakening.com

🙏