Need a new guide

[Agate84]

I did this process in 2019 for several months and then had to stop for various reasons. I did not go through the gate less gate. I would like to try again.

U is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I've always had a feeling that I don't know who I am or what I am or what Life is. As I've got older and more comfortable in my own skin, I feel that the I is just another identity, acting. I know there is another way of perceiving things, because I've tasted it before, a non duality experience - but I can't get to it again. It's frustrating.

What are you looking for at LU?
I've done a form of self inquiry on a retreat called The Enlightenment Intensive - designed to allow people to inquire into the nature of reality. I feel that Deep Looking might be a similar sort of process. I didn't understand how the Enlightenment Intensive worked, I just trusted the process. In fact, when I first embarked on the Enlightenment Intensive I didn't know what I was looking for, I didn't believe an awakening process would unfold. Then I realised people were actively seeking to know the self or that there is no self and then it when it happened to me I understood .... but it's like I can't 'remember' what happened. If I had an awareness of no self I would recognise it again. Actually, I enjoyed the experience and that is partly why I want to get to it again - even though I am not actively seeking bliss or happiness or self improvement. I saw Ilona and Elena on Buddha at the gas Pump and I feel this approach might be perfect for me, I liked the simplicity of it, I liked them! And I liked the idea that it might not be that hard to attain.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I've done the Enlightenment Intensive before ( a 3 day retreat) which is a method of self inquiry. It worked for me even though I didn't really know what I was doing - I trusted the process. I feel that Deep Looking with a guide might be similar, maybe even easier. I'm hoping to be guided by someone who has had a non dual experience more often than I have or is living from a non dual awareness. I'm prepared to put the work in and do it regularly. I'm prepared for anything- it could be hard or it could be easy. I'm expecting it to be a bit frustrating. UPDATE- I did the enlightenment intensive again last summer and did not have a direct experience but I had a profound feeling that I no longer believed my thoughts . There was a distance from them.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I did a 3 day intensive called The Enlightenment Intensive about 3 years ago and it resulted- a few months later - in a direct experience of the true nature of reality, God or something like that, a very blissful experience - kundalini awakening? I don't know. I've done the Enlightenment Intensive twice more but nothing 'happened' the last time. The second time, it felt less 'dramatic', it literally felt like waking up from a dream. Again, a few months after the retreat. However it happened around a time when I was drinking ayahuasca so i wonder if that influenced it. I found reading spiritual books such as Tolle more interesting after these experiences. UPDATE- there has been a tendency to try too hard - I am more aware of this and more open to things being easy as well as hard.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[Lubo]

Hi Agate,

Welcome to the forum!

I read your introduction and feel a deep resonance with your journey.

My name is Lubo and I can be your guide if you are OK?

What name do you prefer to be called?

Let’s begin from here:

in a direct experience of the true nature of reality, God or something like that, a very blissful experience - kundalini awakening? ...
... it literally felt like waking up from a dream.

I want to help you see that this is the only reality.
Meaning is just another dream. Awakening is now!

What is it that, right now, knows these words?
Face? Eyes? Mind? Are they someone?

Find that you are here.
Not as a thought. Not as an identity. Just here.

Rest home.
Now, look around.
Then, close your eyes.

Notice—what is the experience of being No-One?
No-Thing?
The faceless, headless Presence—the name of God?

Just relax.
Rest in your splendour and glory.

And notice—
The nightmare comes only from thoughts and imagination.

What is your experience?

With Love,
Lubo

[Agate84]

Hi Lubo
Thank you so much for agreeing to be my guide. I am looking forward to the process.
You can call me Agate. It’s not my real name but for confidentiality.
I

want to help you see that this is the only reality.
Meaning is just another dream. Awakening is now!

Do you mean - that when I felt like I’d woken up from a dream - that awakening I experienced is/was the only reality ?

What is it that, right now, knows these words?
Face? Eyes? Mind? Are they someone?

There is a knowing … but there isn’t a person/self that knows this. There’s a feeling that “someone” knows this but the someone is an illusion. I’d like to deepen into this and directly experience that there is no-one. It’s almost like, I know there is no self but I don’t really know and I’d love to know it fully .

Notice—what is the experience of being No-One?
No-Thing?
The faceless, headless Presence—the name of God?

There is stillness, quiet. Feels peaceful

And notice—
The nightmare comes only from thoughts and imagination.

What is your experience?

Stillness and peace. Before long there is also a “nagging” feeling, like the mind is there, looking for either something to worry about or remind me of something, whatever needs to be done next in everyday life. Yes, it has a slightly nightmarish quality to it.
Agate

[Lubo]

Hi dear Agate,

Do you mean - that when I felt like I’d woken up from a dream - that awakening I experienced is/was the only reality ?

Yes, waking up from the stories. Notice right now—do you experience life and yourself as only NOW, or do you see it through the lens of thought and narrative?

Waking up means seeing without the filter of narrative. And this only needs to happen once—now you know what is real, and everything else is just projection.

Stillness and peace. Before long there is also a “nagging” feeling, like the mind is there, looking for either something to worry about or remind me of something, whatever needs to be done next in everyday life. Yes, it has a slightly nightmarish quality to it.

This is where to look—without thought-stories, is there something wrong with how YOU appear in life?
Are you here by mistake?

There is stillness, quiet. Feels peaceful

Beautiful—notice, is there any distance between presence and what appears to it?

So much love to you,
Lubo

[Agate84]

Hello Lubo

Yes, waking up from the stories. Notice right now—do you experience life and yourself as only NOW, or do you see it through the lens of thought and narrative?

I see life through the lens of thought and narrative to be honest. But because I’ve been on this journey for a while I constantly catch myself constructing the narrative and getting enmeshed in it. In these moments I see the ridiculousness of what’s happening. It really does seem like a kind of insanity - it’s a constant checking and recalibrating to see if I’m ok, if everything is ok. Exhausting. I wonder if everyone does this.

Waking up means seeing without the filter of narrative. And this only needs to happen once—now you know what is real, and everything else is just projection.

I have a query about this. I believe ive had this experience before. So I know a lot of “this” (mind stuff and narratives) isn’t real. But I notice a desire for it to happen again (which is why I’m doing this process). Is that ok? I feel like I am rather caught up in the narratives and I want a taste of the awakening I had before or a deepening of that. I’m not looking for an experience or a thrill though.

This is where to look—without thought-stories, is there something wrong with how YOU appear in life?

I know there isn’t anything wrong with how I appear in life - and yet at the same time the nature of the mind is to find fault with everything and fix it. I feel like I’m a slave to my mind - my mind is is subtly torturing me. I have many moments in the day when I catch this and tell myself this is not real. But that feels like another aspect of mind talking to my mind. I suppose I’m looking for a more embodied “seeing” that this mind stuff isn’t real.

Beautiful—notice, is there any distance between presence and what appears to it?

I’m not sure I’ve understood this question. But when I looked - there seems to be little distance between the two. A sense of urgency accompanies the things that arise in that still space. I’m not very disciplined!
Thank you Lubo

[Lubo]

Hi Agata,

I hear you. I am with you!

It really does seem like a kind of insanity—it’s a constant checking and recalibrating to see if I’m okay, if everything is okay. Exhausting. I wonder if everyone does this.

Yes, this is everywhere. Let’s soften this part.

Notice that presence appears in everything—every word is not the truth. :) Now, notice—this exact woman, Agata, is here.
She has the ultimate right to appear exactly as she does in this very moment?

She is held by the field. Let’s say the universe wants to appear as her; presence is enjoying her, being her—unconditionally?

Notice that only narrative brings problems. Now, shift your focus from the narrative and contraction to freedom, and see—right now, all the energies in the body are gifts, energies from the universe, just as they are?

Notice that this has nothing to do with the thoughts explanations or stories about what this is?

Now, notice every violence in the system—see that it is not necessary. Find what appears to cause this violence?

Also, notice that what appears is real, but violence is just a pattern trying to deal with what appears—with how the universe expresses itself through us?
Now, simply replace violence with enjoyment—how does that feel?

Notice the juiciness of everything appearing exactly as it is in this very moment.

Notice that you can step onto the ground of presence, which does not move—this vast space where galaxies appear is here, right now, unmoving.
Notice how this calms the mind?


Love,
Lubo

[Agate84]

Hi Lubo

Notice that presence appears in everything—every word is not the truth. :) Now, notice—this exact woman, Agata, is here.
She has the ultimate right to appear exactly as she does in this very moment?

She is held by the field. Let’s say the universe wants to appear as her; presence is enjoying her, being her—unconditionally?

This is an interesting way for me to look at things. No need to fix anything in my mind - nothing is “wrong”. I am not wrong in any way.

Notice that only narrative brings problems.

Yes I see this. Every time I look I can see that there is always something that needs fixing - either needs to be done actively or in the mind. The mind will never cease to find something to do. I know that this is the nature of the mind.

Now, shift your focus from the narrative and contraction to freedom, and see—right now, all the energies in the body are gifts, energies from the universe, just as they are?

When I do this, there is peace. I can feel the mind stuff “pulling” at me, either manifesting as thoughts or an anxious sensation in the body. It helps a lot to remind myself that the mind is just doing what it is in its nature to do. I tried to regard the anxious sensations as something that is simply there to be observed, with no need to do anything about it.

Also, notice that what appears is real, but violence is just a pattern trying to deal with what appears—with how the universe expresses itself through us?
Now, simply replace violence with enjoyment—how does that feel?

What is real is the stillness in which sounds, images, bodily sensations etc arise. Things arise with or without the mind thinking about things. It’s hard to not get pulled in … but there is a softening and peace to it.

Notice the juiciness of everything appearing exactly as it is in this very moment.

Yes, this is what is “real”. Juiciness is a good word . Also, sacredness. I should practise this more. It’s so easy to get pulled back into thinking .
Thank you Lubo

[Lubo]

Beautiful!

I love this!

I am not wrong in any way.

Can you rest on this—feel the freedom?

The mind will never cease to find something to do. I know that this is the nature of the mind.

Mmm… notice—when we stop believing that there is something wrong in us or that something bad will happen to us, doesn’t the mind become calm?
But when we believe there is a problem, the mind goes crazy, trying with all its power to help.

So… who is the boss? Feel the freedom to be The Boss!

I tried to regard the anxious sensations as something that is simply there to be observed, with no need to do anything about it.

Let’s look closely here—why should you be anxious? What belief is behind that?
Play with curiosity, not repression.

So much love to you,
Lubo

[Agate84]

Hi Lubo

I am not wrong in any way.
Can you rest on this—feel the freedom?

I have spent today trying to return to this now and again. I’m aware of the mind starting up again and the choice to go back into the stillness. I know I’m not wrong in any way and that the mind is always finding fault. But it does feel like hard work sometimes to resist the belief that there is something “wrong” - there is always at least a low-level, subtle feeling that something needs to fixed or changed or attended to. I know it’s an illusion and yet it still persists.

Let’s look closely here—why should you be anxious? What belief is behind that?
Play with curiosity, not repression.

I had a very easy Sunday so didn’t feel much anxiety! I suppose when I do feel that “pull” back into mind, thoughts etc (and therefore anxiety) that the belief behind it is that there is something “wrong” or something that needs to be done. I “know” that really there is nothing that needs fixing (partly because I have read a lot about non-duality) but the conditioning (from childhood) and lifelong habits of being/acting/thinking persist. Though of course I’m trying to soften these parts. Sometimes (although I am generally in good health) I feel at the mercy of my body and its aches and pains (which start a new thought train and anxiety) which I feel gets in the way of me finding freedom. I am also aware that I could be more curious about a subtle belief that seeing through the illusion of the Self might be too hard for more or beyond me somehow.
Agate

[Lubo]

Hi dear Agate,

Look at this with playfulness, curiosity, and joy:

I know I’m not wrong in any way and that the mind is always finding fault. But it does feel like hard work sometimes to resist the belief that there is something “wrong” – there is always at least a low-level, subtle feeling that something needs to be fixed or changed or attended to. I know it’s an illusion, and yet it still persists.

Notice—this is playing, acting?
Parts of us enjoy playing in exactly this way, consciously or unconsciously.

But does this mean that you are a persona?

Notice—is the acting itself a persona?

What are you?

You want to see—are you this acting? So, see it.

Are you your thoughts, emotions, and patterns?
Notice that they are yours, just like the socks on your feet—they are there, but they are just socks, temporarily yours.
No need to identify with them? :)

The same goes for patterns, feelings, thoughts, stories, even the act of 'being wrong'—are they you?
When they are not here—are they someone?

What are you? 😊

Now, what is it like to realize that you don’t know exactly what you are?
Feel the freedom and excitement.

Look at this beauty—Life—from this fresh perspective, from the unknown.

What is this?

Is life a subject? Is it a solid thing?

With love,
Lubo

[Agate84]

Hi Lubo

Notice—this is playing, acting?
Parts of us enjoy playing in exactly this way, consciously or unconsciously.

This is taking me in a new direction. To see the mind stuff as a natural playing out, acting. And less like a thing I can observe with the effort of bringing myself back to the stillness and quiet. There is less resistance involved in this way of looking at things.

But does this mean that you are a persona?
Notice—is the acting itself a persona?

No, this doesn’t mean I’m a persona. The persona is a collection of thoughts, feelings, history etc that might give the illusion it’s a persona - but it isn’t. Maybe it’s playing at being a person - it seems like it’s ok to engage in this play as long as I remember it’s playing/acting and not make the mistake that it’s real!

What are you?
You want to see—are you this acting? So, see it.

I am not this acting out … maybe as time goes on I will see this more clearly .

Are you your thoughts, emotions, and patterns?
Notice that they are yours, just like the socks on your feet—they are there, but they are just socks, temporarily yours.
No need to identify with them? :)

No, I’m not. And I’ll keep reminding myself not to identify with them. Seeing all of this as a “play” is so interesting. I almost feel embarrassed that I ever believed I was this collection of thoughts/feelings etc.seeing it as a play/acting also shows me that it’s ok to forget I am not this - I can forget and remember.

When they are not here—are they someone?

No they are not.


What are you? 😊

What are you? Now, what is it like to realize that you don’t know exactly what you are?
Feel the freedom and excitement.

I don’t know what I am! I have “seen” this before - that I am nothing really, there is an emptiness. I think that when that has been experienced before, other thoughts have rushed in to either fill that void or “make sense” of that experience. We are all trying really hard to “be someone”. I’ve always been aware of this but it seems extra silly now! More futile. There certainly is something exciting about all of this but I’m still feeling into it.

Is life a subject? Is it a solid thing?

No it isn’t. I can see that there is much striving (in myself and others) to treat Life as if it belongs to us, as if it’s work of art. The details of most people’s lives will be forgotten. There is something sad about this - also something freeing!!

Look at this beauty—Life—from this fresh perspective, from the unknown.

What is this?

I’m going to try to do this. I can already see that I’ve been taking a lot of things too seriously ! I am really grateful for your help Lubo. I feel like I’ve turned a corner. It’s like - I think that I needed to look at what is the nature of the mind before looking at what is my real nature, if you see what I mean. Ie - what is the nature of mind - what’s the point ? It’s not just to lie to us (although it does that sometimes) - it’s an acting, a playing.
Agate

[Lubo]

So nice, Agate,
Stay with me. Look here.

"I don’t know what I am! I have ‘seen’ this before—that I am nothing really, there is an emptiness."

Yes. And notice—there is emptiness, which means there is someone beside it, witnessing it?

Now, notice the freedom and power in realizing that you are—this vast, infinite, and so potent space?

Thoughts
See how the idea of a persona creates a problem with thoughts—and then tries to solve that problem?

But now, from the vastness and potency that you are, notice how juicy, erotic, and blissful (nirvana) everything is—flowing from you, passing through you?

Feel the freedom and nirvana. :)

And now, investigate and share:

Is there a persona in any shape or form?
Is there anything here that truly belongs to a persona?


Does the illusion of something personal belong to the real "persona"?

How is the illusion of the persona built?

Is there time without the idea of personality?

Is there a doer without the idea of personality and time?

Or is there simply doing—or appearing as...?

So much love to you,
Lubo

[Agate84]

Hi Lubo

Now, notice the freedom and power in realizing that you are—this vast, infinite, and so potent space?

I do notice this. It’s nice! Wondering how this might feel when I do this in a less, beautiful, less quiet environment… or when I’m feeling particularly triggered by things in life. Of course, I will try it.

See how the idea of a persona creates a problem with thoughts—and then tries to solve that problem?

Yes I do see this. It’s exhausting. I keep coming back to the persona (and the history of “me” and its problems ) no matter how hard I try. Seeing all of that as inevitable or as a play,acting, makes it all easier … it’s still exhausting. It doesn’t feel completely embodied, it feels like I have to keep reminding myself.

But now, from the vastness and potency that you are, notice how juicy, erotic, and blissful (nirvana) everything is—flowing from you, passing through you?

Feel the freedom and nirvana. :)

Yes - this is nice ! It helps a lot that it’s spring, the weather is nice.

Is there a persona in any shape or form?
Is there anything here that truly belongs to a persona?

When I look - there isn’t a person, no. It’s made up, all in my head. As I get older the “history” of “me” gets longer (obviously) and is now overlaid with more narrative about how my story (of what I’ve achieved etc) compares to those of others. But that is not real either. It’s all story. And it’s quite insane. The more I look at it I can see the mind is almost like a machine, making more and patterning of my survival personality. It’s compulsive and exhausting.

How is the illusion of the persona built?

I think it starts with parents etc and I can see how we are culturally conditioned to see ourselves as separate . I can see that my experiences go through this filter (over many years) reinforcing it.

Is there time without the idea of personality?

No there isn’t. I know there isn’t. I see this more and more - but often reflect on the fact that the belief that there is time, the illusion that there is time, is VERY pervasive. It almost feels like I know this intellectually but I’m struggling to “really” see it. It’s frustrating.

Is there a doer without the idea of personality and time?

No. The doer is an illusion. Again, I know this, but can’t quite see it. When I think about it it doesn’t quite make sense. But I can see that there is some kind of filter that overlays everything and “makes sense” of things that simply arise. However, it’s still disappointingly easy to get wrapped up in a story of what I need to do in order to improve “me” or my life etc.

The more I look the harder all of this seems to be - and more frustrating ! Lol
Agate

[Lubo]

Hi dear Agate,

It’s more beautiful and easier than it seems.
Stay with me!

You’re sharing that thoughts and mind are a problem.

Let’s look right now:

Notice the imagination that you are a persona?

This is the veil—from this veil, thoughts, mind, body, and world are perceived as real, as if from a "personal perspective." And then, naturally, they—thoughts, life, body—become problems ?

Now, first, see this:
"Personality" is a belief?
You are not in thoughts, but in belief.
Can you see, right now, that you are reading this from within that belief?
Is the persona reading?

Now, notice—without this belief, what is here? :)

Notice emotions—there are emotions only because the innocent, juicy energy of being is filtered through the belief in "persona" and then felt as emotions in the body.

Now, without this belief—can you see that you are simply here, with all energies as they are, in this very moment?

For me, emotions are a shortcut to seeing this clearly.
How does this work for you?

We can meet next week for 30 minutes for free on Zoom if you’d like.

So much love to you,
Lubo

[Agate84]

Hi Lubo

Everything you say makes sense up to here.
Is the persona reading?

I think so - yes?

Now, notice—without this belief, what is here? :)

When I look - nothing . Just things arising . But there is also a low level anxiety to be honest. I try not to attach any story to it. It feels like an effort .

For me, emotions are a shortcut to seeing this clearly.
How does this work for you?

I’m finding that emotions are often caused by getting involved with thoughts that come up ie from the belief that there is a persona. But it’s so easy to get pulled in and to stay there!

We can meet next week for 30 minutes for free on Zoom if you’d like

.

I would like this. Thank you for your guidance so far!
Agate