Ready to see

[derjohns]

Hi Magdalena,

I apologize for the gap.

You see there’s no experiencer.

Correct. When I look for one, I find nothing. When I look for who's looking, I also find nothing or emptiness.

You see that any label put on the experience itself is just thought stuff.

Yes, I see this.

So tell me: what’s actually changed?

There is increased awareness of DE reality and mental-virtual reality (stories) and I more frequently bring myself back into DE out of the head/mind. I am also more aware of the shift in perception between the two. When I am in my head, I feel like I am the doer and the decider, but when I am in DE, it feels like a flow of sensations/experiences, like life is just unfolding - things are happening and the voice in my head doesn't have anything to do with them, although it usually claims it does. I thought I was driving, but even when I am not there, the body is still doing things and things are still happening, so maybe it's always been that way, and there was just a story that there was an I that was doing things or that things were happening to.

Not in theory, not as another neat answer — in your direct, lived experience.

I am not trying to give neat answers. In my current lived experience, I catch myself in mental reality more often and I shift back into DE and spend longer there than I usually would.

Do you still feel like a person moving through life?

To be honest, yes, I still feel like a person moving through life, and I am aware that that's a story even though I still feel that way.

Do you still feel like you’re on a path?

Not on a path, but I feel like some kind of shift is happening.

Or has something actually collapsed?

I am not sure if anything has collapsed yet, so probably no.

Don’t give me the answers you think are “correct”.
Be brutally honest.

I am being honest.

What is different?

I think everything actually. Because I see a clear line between the two now and I know only one is real even though I still feel like a self. There's a story in my head that I need to disentangle myself from the stories/thought flow and there is a feeling/knowing that I just need to keep my attention on the present experience/ direct experience.

Warmly,
Derrick

[Magdalena]

Hey Derrick,

Good to hear from you. I appreciate your honest replies.


You say

I need to keep my attention on the present experience.

Who exactly is managing this? Who is shifting? Who is making sure to stay in DE? Look right now — who is doing that?
Or is that just one more story of control — one last attempt to keep a "doer" alive?


You see that life unfolds by itself, but you still feel like a person.
What is this “feeling like a person”?
Is there actually someone there, or is that just another passing experience being mistaken for a self?


Don’t try to land anywhere.
Don’t try to "stay in DE" like a good seeker.
Look right now — can you actually find a "you" that is moving through life?


Oh, one more thing: is seeking still going on? Reading and watching "spiritual" or "non-dual" stuff, looking out for "methods" and "techniques" to get somewhere?

[derjohns]

Hi Magdalena,

You say
I need to keep my attention on the present experience.
Who exactly is managing this? Who is shifting? Who is making sure to stay in DE? Look right now — who is doing that?

Yes, It's the "I" program hijacking things. Omg, this is crazy! It's like AI.

Or is that just one more story of control — one last attempt to keep a "doer" alive?

A story of control, of a doer doing things. It happens so quickly and automatically, and feels normal. But they are stories again. Who knew stories were so powerful!

What is this “feeling like a person”?

Feelings that go along with and support the "I" thought stories. Hmm..

Is there actually someone there, or is that just another passing experience being mistaken for a self?

Don’t try to land anywhere.
Don’t try to "stay in DE" like a good seeker.

Does this mean dropping practices?

Look right now — can you actually find a "you" that is moving through life?

No, the only "me" is in the mental voice-over.

Oh, one more thing: is seeking still going on? Reading and watching "spiritual" or "non-dual" stuff, looking out for "methods" and "techniques" to get somewhere?

Yes! "I" have been reading "spiritual" material for so long that it's almost automatic now and daily. I guess this will need to be let go.

Warmly,
Derrick

[Magdalena]

Derrick,


Yes — drop it all. No more practices, no more methods, no more "staying in DE" — like it's some fragile state.
No more managing any of this.

Because who would be the one doing that?


You see it now —

the “I” program hijacking things automatically

seeking keeps running, and the mind keeps spinning stories.
But none of it needs to stop.
The whole trick was believing there was someone who could control it.


Let it all run or not run — who cares?
Without a seeker, seeking just burns out on its own.


Now tell me — is there actually anything left to do?
Was there never anything to do in the first place?



Yes, drop all the bullshit and just LIVE!
Life is already happening just fine without a seeker (as it always has).
Can you see this?

[derjohns]

Hi Magdalena,

I am traveling over the next couple of days.

Please let me respond in a couple of days when I have reached my destination and have more time.

Thank you,
Derrick

[Magdalena]

Sure, take your time. No rush.

Everything is there already anyway, and it's not going anywhere. ;)