Hi John,
At first I felt it was too soon to speak with the clarity that such questions demanded. But nevertheless I've sit and written some answers, and very much enjoyed it. Still there's a mixture of clarity and confusion that is being digested. And I don't want to force the process, but here is what I've written. It's the furthest I can see and express right now.
1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?
There is not a me but from the point of view of the illusion, which is no more than resistance to look to the roots that sustain the illusion.
There is not a me, just as there are no separate things, and no names. Because when one searches, fundamentally nothing is there. Just the mind, which needs to imagine objects and abstractions to play with in order to think, can create a me into existance. There seems to be a me only from the point of view of the persona, which is a thought construct, and the me looks totally real as long as the structure remains unquestioned. The more solid and real the me believes itself to be, more finds itself to be in dissonance with whatever surrounds him, which fundamentally is him. Fascinating.
Everything that exist is the same no-thing, that comes from the same no-place, and does what it does, as a whole, spontaneusly. Fundamentally there are no opposites or contrasts, just layers of complexity -from the point of view of the mind-, that are the ground for the arisal of apparent contrasts and new phenomena specific to that context layer, that the mind can try to make sense of, in order to construct its models of understanding. The functioning of the mind doesn’t require a me. It works by itself, and better without the me burden.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
The illusion of separate self is an unquestioned believe in the existance of the person, as a doer of actions, and thinker of thoughts. In other words, something separate from the world.
There seems to be a “me” made of imagination, a thought entity that sustents itself by systematically avoiding any inquiry on its origin. It filters the perceptions so that only the ones that support its current belives are recognized as relevant. As the me is part of the mind, and the mind can influence the body, the thought entity uses resistance as a mean to control the energy flows of the body to perpetuate itself, by creating resistances and limits to perception, avoids being exposed for what it is. Just an invention.
In order to be “me” there needs to be an identification of some form. With the body, with a way of thinking, reacting and understanding... as the one that IS me. And a lot of energy is invested in defending the construct.
3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
When I look into the mirror, when I look into the eyes that looks into the mirror, I see a being that its not me. There’s a fullness of silence in the experience. There’s a recognition that doesn’t depend on thoughts or memory, but it can make use of those, and always point beyond them. I'm not moving those muscles, I'm not drawing those forms. There’s a playfulness, an aliveness that is just natural and fascinating, and complete mistery to itself.
Physically there’s a pulsation inside of the head. It changes its place depending on the emotion that is being experienced. I don’t know if it’s temporary. It is funny. Before, it triggered some fears and resistance, but now I find it easier just to watch the energy go wherever it wants to go. Years before, those kind of feelings were experienced as a loud alarm that paralyzed the me and made the me very scared, sometimes to the verge of autism, or PTSD. Now I can see it’s worth not resisting to the feelings in the body.
4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
I have no idea... I think it’s better not to push the door. But anyway
Have you ever looked into your non existance? Did you ever look to anything personal and checked if there was a person, and not just an empty reaction without somebody reacting? Because if you do check you’ll know what is laughing. Yeah, I wish somebody had told me this before. But probably I wouldn’t have listened anyway. How funny is that?
5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
It’s still very gradual, with some sporadic breakthroughs. There is also prudence. Something is digesting the news, and slowly getting used to feeling and reacting to the energies in a different way, without altering the waters. The biggest resistance I found was to the surrendering to the feelings inside of the head and the body. Those triggered a lot of alarms for my persona. Specially when surrendered by people.
There have been always a love for truth. A recognition of the smell of what is false. And a lack of energy to spend in things that smelled that way. So I see the story of what happened like a slippery slope that leads to the truth sooner or later.
Oh, one thing that helped and still helps, was when I felt I could play with the emotions and experience the various opposites, so that it could reveal what was beyond them. There were many emotions that I prohibited myself from feeling since childhood, because of a fear of not being appropriate, or being dangerous, or not worthy, whatever. So there was a lack of emotional connection and an excess of thinking. There was a strong identification with that landscape. And now there’s an arising playfulness that dares with the emotions, with not worrying, with letting the inner phone ring without running to pick it, and with watching the heart find its rhythm. :)
