Hi Rowena,
It took me a bit longer to react. I was doing a little retreat with some friends and it was difficult to react and also I dont have a car, so was finding a way to do the exercise haha. I was really struggling with these thought exercises.
See if you can become more aware of any change in body sensations when there is a shift from DE mode to engaging with social/conventional mode. Which mode feels more open and expansive?
Yes DE feels more open and expansive, whereas Social mode seems contracted. The social engagement mode creates this narrow feeling.
Find something in the visual field that you can label.
Settle your gaze on that 'object'.
Now look at the object, drop the label, and soften your gaze.
What's left?
How does this feel in the body?
WHat is left is just the visual image
It feels expansive and calming, like a spacious peacefulness
What is the need to stay there?
The need to stay there I guess is the feeling that there is more to be realized from DE, but also to know that living in the content of thought is creating a lot of suffering.
To what (who) does that need refer?
Good question. No idea actually. I guess there is actually this feeling, intuition, sense that there is something pure in DE. Although there is a fear to loose the mind identification, there is also a fear to loose the touch with DE and fall back into complete mind identification again. Like happened a little bit more the past days. There is just this urge to not be mind identified anymore, because although I realize I am not a someone, my experience still feels uncomfortable a majority of the time.
DRIVING AND READING ROAD SIGNS - Noticing thoughts - Visual Field.
Next time you are out driving on a calm stretch of road, bring your attention to a road sign coming up. Repeat the words of the sign in your head.
Notice if there are any sensations in your head as you do this.
So it is a little bit difficult as I dont own a car. I took my bike and watched the signs in the city, but they are not clearly about a direction. However, when repeating the sign, there came some sensations at the front of my head.
Is the thought happening out there or inside your head?
It is very difficult to locate the thought. It feels to be happening in the area in the front of my head, however when looking for it, I can't find the exact location of the thought. Or even find what exactly the thought is.
Is there a line of separation between the sign and the thought?
No there is no clear line of seperation. The sign is an image and the thought is somehow the appearing of the letters somewhere in my consciousness together with the subvocal voice. But I can't find the thought, so it is impossible to find a line of seperation.
Can it be found?
No, in general when looking for clear boundaries they can't be found.
Code: Select all
Now, when the next road sign comes up just notice the sign without saying the words to yourself.
This seems almost impossible. I tried it a couple of times and everytime I read the letters it would be assisted by a subvocal voice. Like the voice that is subvocally talking now while typing and reading these letters. I am clearly not creating the voice, but it really seems to be there. However, is it really a voice? It doesnt make a sound. I can't pinpoint it, but is definitely feels like there is always a narrator of everything I read.
Would you still know what the sign means?
I am not sure about this, because I can't seem to detach the thought from seeing the sign. I am now looking in the room at a book called 'behaviour in organisations'. When reading that the words are subvocally said and I see the image of an organization. I can't imagine what it would be like if thoughts would not be used to understand it, because it seems to constantly be overlaying everything where I look at. It labels automatically and seems to be the only thing that can make sense of words.
Is the overlay of thought actually required to register the meaning of the directions?
So I can't say I could properly do this test with directions and signs, but generaly it appears that some form of thought is required to make sense of things and to find the meaning behind them. However, at the same time, I am typing right now, without thinking the words upfront. So something is making complete sentences and thereby making sense, without the need to actively think about it. Don't we need the content for thoughts at all?
When you see written words, do you need to think to register the meaning of those words?
Reading this question, I am answering without really thinking about it. I am not sure what is the answer that is being typed, but it seems that there are thoughts working anyways. I can't see how you can read words without the use of thought, as it happens automatically. Than what actually is a thought? This subvocal voice, combined with the visualizing of the letters and/or an image. I don't think you need to register the meaning of the words actively, but it seems to be happening all by itself. There is no one to actively register the meaning.
What is it that is registering the meaning of those words?
I have no idea. It seems like the words are formed into thoughts and they are just understood. But by who? I feel frustration now, because I clearly can't find this registerer, but it doesnt relieve me or something.
Can a registerer of words be found in DE?
Nowhere, that is the stupid thing. When really looking there only seems to be emptiness and yet shomehow words are being made sense of and thoughts seem to be the thing that makes this sense. But does it actually? Is there a way to make sense without thoughts? Words are coming out of nowhere, but to really read a book without using thoughts to understand it seems impossible. In DE there is thoughts, sensations, hearing, seeing. But doing activities completely in DE seems difficult.
Finally, how is the impact of this inquiry showing up in daily life?
The past few days there's seems to be a lot of frustration and inner chatter. The weeks before I felt more a sense of calm by doing the exercises. I feel like my triggers towards others are more and more felt. Last days I also started thinking a lot again about my ex-girlfriend, and I know it is all illusiory, but it seems that all the parts are at play here. The one that wants to be loved, the one that is loving, the one that is angry, that one that feels betrayed, etc. All of it coming together and the thoughts about her, and situations in the past just wont stop. They keep coming in different forms, and go together with strong uncomfortable sensations that I really don't like to feel (yesterday these stayed almost the whole day), is there anything I can do when this happens? I tried to allow it all, but it was so difficult. It is like a constant storm that wont stop. I know it will pass again, but still.
Do you think that an inherently independent self exists?
No, there are thoughts about Thomas (content), but there does not seem to be someone independent from everything else. Thoughts are saying that no Thomas exists.
Do you feel that an inherently independent self exists?
Well yes, there feels to be something/someone here, that is seperate from things out there. Someone that experiences shame when doing something awkward, someone that feels hurt when someone says something hurtfull.
Do you control events as they happen?
No, there is no control whatsoever. Everything arises spontaneously. No control of external events, and no control over internal events.
How important is intention?
What is intention and who is creating the intention? Intention for what, for the inquiry? I think that it is important to have the intention to fully allow what is happening in your experience and to intimitely be curious in who you are. However, I am not creating this intention, it just is there or not.
Is there an actual past or future?
No, that is all just thoughts. There is only this DE, and the overlay of thought content giving the idea that there is a past and a future.
How do you relate to your thoughts?
I don't particulary like my thoughts. I feel like I am addicted to thoughts. They tend to be very critical towards me. But also that is just a thought. I have defnitely tried to fight my thoughts for a long time, since starting this process with you I became more in acceptance mode, but past days I started to fight my thoughts again. Who is fighting the thoughts? There are thoughts and the content tends to be more negative than positive, but that interpretation is also a thought. Do I think I am my thoughts no, do they often occupie a space that makes it feel and seem like they are my life, yes.
How do you relate to your emotions?
I noticed that the past week I was less in touch with my emotions, because I saw them as sensations in the body with thought overlay. However today I cried again, for the first time in a long time in a couple of months and it gave some relief, from the tension I am feeling the last few days, and I saw again that emotions really do have a purpose and are very natural. Some I find more difficult to give space than others, like anger for me is a difficult one to embrace and express. Not many people have seen me angry. During the christmast days I became really aware of frustration towards some of my family members. It did not happen often, but when it did happen it was very strong and present, like I was going to explode (which I didn't).
Has your relationship to other people changed?
Yes and no, I can feel much more appreciation for others, and the conversations are a lot more real. Also I act less from trying to pretend to be someone, and stay closer to myself. However, I can still experience this distance with others and find it difficult to really let people come closer or more intimate to me. And although to a much lesser extent, I still feels this pressure to behave in a certain way when being around others.
How do you react when conflict/problems arise?
I tend to keep it for myself, be very conflict avoidant. I always feel like it is my first responsibility to be mindful around it, so see what in the conflict is happening from my interpretation. Often times it will lead to me eventually not mentioning it. However, when someone is really crossing my boundaries, I will definitely take actions against it. This just does not happen often. I try to no expect to much from others, tho thoughts still create this idea. I consider myself very considerate, so when others are not, it tend to trigger and frustrate me.
What is you relationship to life?
At times I have felt very attuned with life and the fact that I am alive. I also realize that it has always been dependent from moment to moment. There are moments in where you would have asked me I would have answered with: I feel grateful to be alive, to have an experience, to learn new skills, to meet people, to taste food. At times I can feel very in tune with the city I live in, with the people around me, and with nature. However, like mentioned the past few days there is this dissatisfaction, which kinda overshadows everything and make it appear like I am dissatisfied with life (which is often also the case). Dissatisfied with where I am in some aspects of life and dissatisfied that I still feel often seperate from the life around me. I realize how special it is to live, but I don't generally experience it like that.
Are there doubts? If so, please describe them.
There is a doubt about whether or not I will ever cut through the illusion of the self. Like I am actually capable of it.
There is a doubt about how much of my focus and energy I should put in this and neglect some other things in life, like I am already doing: not seeing friends, not going out there to date, not putting more energy in my career. However, I know that all those things will remain in someway unsatisfied when still experienced as a self.
If you are not the separate self, who/what are you?
The awareness of the senses? It is a big mistery, I don't know what I am.
Loving regards,
Thomas
