a request for guidance

[yeaabuoy]

I spent most of Saturday in meditation. A lot of this was centered around the understanding that the constructed sense of "self" is no different from a thought in consciousness. By seeing this, I was able to briefly enter a state of "flow" where the thoughts, actions, movements occur on their own without being "owned" or attributed to a self. But the state was easily broken and I'd find myself reidentified pretty quickly. So I started meditating on the absence of self and the nature of identity and, when able to stand and move around without the feeling of "self," I would immediately put my attention into body sensations so it wouldn't get pulled back into thought and selfing. This was a little more effective, but still quite difficult and temporary. Underneath all this is the knowledge that all of this is just happening the way it's happening and it can't be any different, so the effort/judgment/strategizing occurs and it's fine, but any attachment or suffering related to it is unnecessary.

I spoke to Vince about it later in the day and what I got from our conversation was that basically there is something that "knocks me out" of the flow state, and it's basically something like doubt, a self-referential thought, or hidden belief. I have been meditating on this and it seems like the thing that interrupts flow is often a hidden belief of having control. When I fall out of flow and back into self-ing and thought, it's often to figure out a way to exert control over a situation. Once this is recognized, I can sometimes/often go back to doing what I was doing before in a more effortless state.

I have 2 small children and my marriage is in a very difficult place -- I am coming to terms with the fact that my wife and I may divorce soon, which has been the main source of fear, sadness, anger, grief and selfing for the past several months. Also, I am going on a weeklong silent meditation retreat with Angelo Dilullo at the end of this week, if you have any ideas on how I should approach any of that.

Thanks for your time, sorry this was a long one

[Anastacia42]

You're doing well for all that's going on.

Let's see how things are after the retreat.

Loving

[Anastacia42]

Remember, you can LOOK wherever you are.

Happy Turkey Day!

[yeaabuoy]

Happy turkey day to you, tooo !!!

[Anastacia42]

Sooo.... how are things after the retreat?

[yeaabuoy]

Hello! The retreat itself went well, no big shifts or emotional release, but I was able to meditate for all the sessions and maintain silence. Significantly easier than my first retreat a year ago, to the point where I wondered if I wasnt doing it right. Things have been a bit rough since getting back from the retreat. Pretty much immediately went into a depressive episode with lots of restless energy and disrupted sleep. Wife had been acting very avoidant around me and finally told me she thinks we should get divorced (when I finally asked her what was going on), which didn't help things. Lots of seeking energy and feeling of desperation. I talked to Vince a bit this afternoon and basically expressed that I felt like I needed to wake up to have any chance of happiness in this life— I recognize that this is deluded in many ways but was just so strongly felt. He told me to focus on “being” rather than searching for something to do. Anyway, sorry that report isnt a sunnier one, but thank you for asking and and help/advice you can provide would be appreciated

[Anastacia42]

I know it must be hard with all of that going on. Just seeing that there is no self is not designed to solve problems; however the work of buying Katie is designed to clear up suffering.

This is a great book on relationships:

https://a.co/d/9yvqXbD

You can watch someone else do The Work on divorce, but of course, doing it yourself is where you'll have your own realizations.

https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/

Look at www.thework.com. All you need is there. There's a helpline for free facilitation.

https://helpline.thework.com/

Here is one I found:

https://youtu.be/Kg-bHhJ8Quo?si=9l1l_QJFiw20thIV

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

talk to text Typo... The Work of Byron Katie

[yeaabuoy]

I read her book “Loving What Is” and did a few of the worksheets on her website. I understand that circumstances probably won’t change but I do want to suffer less.

[Anastacia42]

Good!

I do recommend her relationship book for you right now. And Worksheets on your current stressful thinking.

Loving

[yeaabuoy]

Thank you. I may check those out later but I have not had much time for reading with everything that is going on with work, childcare, etc. I continue to meditate and self-inquire during the work day from time to time but am not sure I will have much new to report for the time being.

[Anastacia42]

Understood.

If nothing else, ask, "Is it true?"

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

Hi,

Just checking in. How are you? How are things going?

Take your time.

Much love,

[yeaabuoy]

Thank you for checking in. Things are going OK. I am still coming to grips with the fact that my marriage is ending, which has been difficult. The holidays were also a bit weird, but overall OK.

I listened to a guided meditation while walking my dog on Christmas night and touched into what felt like "presence." Essentially, when thoughts arose, I would look for who/what was perceiving the thought in that moment. What is found on that investigation is undefinable -- without thought to assign an identity, it is basically pure subjectivity/receptivity and everything else that is perceived is an object/appearance arising within it. This undefinable receptivity is all there is in the present moment -- any kind of definition or identity within it is only thought.

I have touched into this kind of "thoughtless space" before and it is still accessible to me now but I have some difficulty staying with it. Possibly because of boredom, habit, or anxiety about external conditions, I have also been intermittently distracting myself with reading articles about sports or scrolling social media.

Regardless, the insight into presence seemed significant and pertinent to our project of seeing through the illusion of "self" so I thought I would mention it. How are you?

[Anastacia42]

Thank you for sharing that. Did I share these with you? The awareness may not be 24/7 It comes and goes.

In fact, if we believe an untrue thought, it can kick us right out of our peaceful space. You know, thoughts like, and please forgive me, but "My marriage shouldn't be ending." We can't know. Also, what is the reality of it? Arguing with reality will kick us out of seeing there is no self.


Watch these, please:

https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w

and

https://youtu.be/PUDzrCLlrj4

This is just a beginning.

Loving,