Trying to break the first fetter

[alysson]

Hi Luchana!

How does it feel to see this?

It's ambiguous. I've been having intrusive thoughts. They mostly take the form of judging (others and myself) and can be very painful.

On the one hand, I feel relieved when I realise I am not responsible for them. I try to focus on this when they arise, disconnecting from the thoughts and their ownership. Sometimes it helps.

On the other hand, there is also sadness and a certain despair at feeling so vulnerable to them, to the preconditions and prejudices built into me.

What can a thought do?
Can a thought think?

Right, I don't believe a thought can think.

The way I am seeing it is: a thought appears and then I have the ability to engage with it or not. Many times, this engagement is almost automatic, and it requires a conscious effort not to identify with the thought. Once there is identification (I mean, once I 'forget' that a thought is 'just' a thought that the real "I' is just watching), I can go from thought to thought without realising. I don't think I can say that the 'thought is thinking', but there is a chain of thoughts that many times will completely 'take over the wheel'.

Thank you!

Alysson

[Luchana]

Hi Alysson,

On the other hand, there is also sadness and a certain despair at feeling so vulnerable to them, to the preconditions and prejudices built into me.

Ooo, so common ... can you bring that feeling of sadness and despair really close and curiously observe them.

Let the attention be not on the intrusive thoughts, but on the sensations.

Listen to the sensation - what would it say if it has a voice?

Not interpreting anything, whatever comes - just notice.

I don't believe a thought can think.

it is not a matter of believing, but simply looking.
Belief = thought.
When you look - you see is it possible for a thought to think?
No
or
Yes.
If yes - how EXACTLY the thinking is happening?

The way I am seeing it is: a thought appears and then I have the ability to engage with it or not. Many times, this engagement is almost automatic, and it requires a conscious effort not to identify with the thought. Once there is identification (I mean, once I 'forget' that a thought is 'just' a thought that the real "I' is just watching), I can go from thought to thought without realising. I don't think I can say that the 'thought is thinking', but there is a chain of thoughts that many times will completely 'take over the wheel'.

Wonderful to notice the automatic engagement.
It is really something Allyson does?
Or this is rather being done?

It seems that thoughts are connected (as if there is chain of thoughts) but look carefully and just notice if this is the case?
Or is that just another thought which says ‘but there is a chain of thoughts that many times will completely 'take over the wheel'.

And last but not least - what is this real I you are referring to?
How many "I" are here?

Thank you!

You are most welcome.


Sending love,
Luchana

[alysson]

Dear Luchana,

That's a lot to look at. Thank you! I've been trying to explore my experience. It's not always easy (on the contrary), and here is what I see so far.

Listen to the sensation - what would it say if it has a voice?

It is painful in the beginning. Then, looking closer, it's more like a 'life energy' saying, 'I am here, I am alive'. It's still painful to be with it, though.

When you look - you see is it possible for a thought to think? No or Yes.
If yes - how EXACTLY the thinking is happening?

Here is how I am seeing this: I try to quiet the mind to be able to identify a thought appearing. This usually means that I become more immersed in the visual field, as if it became clearer. Then I realise a thought is appearing. My awareness alternates between the thought, the visual field and the sensations in the body. At some stage, I see that other thoughts have appeared, and I did not notice when they first showed up (usually, this also means that the visual field became less nitid).

So, answering the question: no, a thought does not think. It's only that I miss the appearance of thoughts, and it looks like they were in a thread, with one thought pulling the other, but at closer inspection, they do seem to be more independent than that.

And last but not least - what is this real I you are referring to?

To be honest, I don't know. The closer that I seem to be able to look at this 'I' is when I 'try to clear the mind' and wait for a thought. When I am doing this, the visual field becomes clearer, and I look for the I. I can see that this "I" is not the body, as I can see the body as another appearance, but I don't know exactly what it is.

Then, it seems to be some particular sensations in the body. As I mentioned, these sensations have been painful, and it's easy to identify them. But at closer inspection, I can see I am not that either.

Best answer I seem to be able to come up is that this "I" is the knowing. Is the one that knows it is there and where the other things (the body, the sensations, the thoughts) appear.

How many "I" are here?

Looking at it as where everything else is appearing, it seems to be a single "I" that contains all other images, thoughts, and sensations.


Thank you again. You mentioned earlier that I should mention resistances that appear. It's been hard to look at sensations as they are quite painful sometimes. I've been 'struggling with life', finding it hard to accept where life has taken me, but doing my best to do exactly that: accept reality as it is. I know that the key is there somehow.

[Luchana]

hi Alysson,

That's a lot to look at. Thank you! I've been trying to explore my experience. It's not always easy (on the contrary), and here is what I see so far.

Yea... it can feel like that. bit you did a good looking.

I will start from the end for this is what needs attention now

Thank you again. You mentioned earlier that I should mention resistances that appear. It's been hard to look at sensations as they are quite painful sometimes. I've been 'struggling with life', finding it hard to accept where life has taken me, but doing my best to do exactly that: accept reality as it is. I know that the key is there somehow.

Thank you for sharing that with me. Resistance is very common when we start looking directly at experience. It is a protective mechanism.

Can you bring that feeling closer and be with it.
Than look at this question

What might happen if the resistance is NOT here?

Sending love,
Luchana

[alysson]

Dear Luchana,

It's been a while since I wrote, but I have not stopped looking for a single day. In some sense, suffering is a great reminder for inquiry. I have been feeling this suffering pushing me: this sense of inadequacy, this sense that I 'threw my life away', this constant reminder that pushes me back to the narratives of the past (I should have done this or that) or the future (I should do this or that). When my mind moves towards the past, the resistance appears as self-pity or blame. When it moves towards the future, the resistance appears as a 'freezing', a 'blockage' that makes everything look scary and hopeless.

What might happen if the resistance is NOT here?

I find it hard sometimes to know exactly how to proceed with this. My common strategies are to

i) look at the body sensations and try to accept them: I usually do this during sitting meditation (especially when the feelings get overwhelming). I notice that sometimes if I can keep contact with the sensation, it does modify itself. It softens up. It does not always occur, though, and the relief is somewhat only temporary.

ii) play with the 'headless way' in the lines of Douglas Harding: this is find quite useful because it somehow helps me disassociate a bit from thought.

Overall, my main resistance can be summarised as a 'fight with life'. I want control. Rationally, I know that this attitude is quite infantile. There is also a need for grandiosity, a need for perfection in life that creates the struggle. I know that the key is surrendering to it. Accepting what is in here and now. I do have some faith that something will click, that 'I will see through reality', and that 'breaking the first fetter' will be indeed a breakthrough that will help with the suffering and make things more manageable. The faith also appears in the hope that there is indeed some 'underlying intelligence' guiding this process.

Associated with this little faith, or hope, there is also the fear that I am using all this just as another projection, as another narrative. As in: "ok, cool, if I surrender to life as it is showing up to me, I will get 'awakening' as a prize and then I will find meaning in life. I sometimes question myself: is it ok to have this desire, to hope that something will happen? In a way, this hope is what gives me strength. On another hand, as I said, I sometimes fear I am just entangling myself in another narrative.

In summary, I have been trying to look at what things would look like if this constant resistance was not there. Sometimes, I get glimpses in the form of a sudden change in the narrative (situations that seem overwhelming on a continuous basis suddenly do not feel so bad anymore), but I usually quickly return to my worrying baseline.

I will keep looking as sincerely as I can.

Thank you for being here with me.

[Luchana]

Hi Alysson,

thank you for sharing so honestly.

Overall, my main resistance can be summarised as a 'fight with life'. I want control. Rationally, I know that this attitude is quite infantile. There is also a need for grandiosity, a need for perfection in life that creates the struggle. I know that the key is surrendering to it. Accepting what is in here and now. I do have some faith that something will click, that 'I will see through reality', and that 'breaking the first fetter' will be indeed a breakthrough that will help with the suffering and make things more manageable. The faith also appears in the hope that there is indeed some 'underlying intelligence' guiding this process.

Associated with this little faith, or hope, there is also the fear that I am using all this just as another projection, as another narrative. As in: "ok, cool, if I surrender to life as it is showing up to me, I will get 'awakening' as a prize and then I will find meaning in life. I sometimes question myself: is it ok to have this desire, to hope that something will happen? In a way, this hope is what gives me strength. On another hand, as I said, I sometimes fear I am just entangling myself in another narrative.

So good to see trough some expectations of how awakening will look like and what might bring.
The truth is that it can't be known in advance, for it is different for each one of us.
Things may or may not become manageable.. There is no manager even now and they are as they are

As for the control - we will have a look at that feeling later.

Now let's look at the thoughts closer.

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?

Let me know how you go and what you notice.



Sending love,
Luchana

[alysson]

Thank you, Luchana.

I did the exercise a few times. Most of the marks (if not all) went to the self-side. Some of the things I observed:

- I imagined most of the thoughts would go to the self side, but it was even more than I expected. I see clearly that most of the thought mechanisms refer back to the self.

- Many thoughts just started and got cut because I was 'aware that they were appearing'. I realised when they were rising, and then they stopped. This is in opposition to thoughts I associated with to the point of briefly forgetting I was doing the exercise.

I have noticed this before when trying to look at the thoughts, and it was clear in this exercise, too: sometimes, I get a brief sense of disorientation if I manage not to engage with the thoughts for a few seconds. A brief feeling of dizziness or loss of balance.

Thank you!

Alysson

[Luchana]

Hi Alysson,

- I imagined most of the thoughts would go to the self side, but it was even more than I expected. I see clearly that most of the thought mechanisms refer back to the self.

right... Let's look without imagining :-)
For imagination doesn't bring clarity.

How many thoughts there are in""the self" part and how many in the "other"?

Can you please provide also an example one or two of the other thoughts.


Love,
Luchana

[alysson]

Dear Luchana,

I just wanted to say that I have been struggling with anxiety episodes and, therefore, slowed down my inquiry. I am seeking professional help and will return to this when I feel a bit stronger. Hopefully, it won't take long.

I thank you again, and very sincerely, for your company in this, and I apologise for this pause.

Alysson

[Luchana]

Hi Alysson.
thank you for writing and sharing.... I understand and it is actually better to not do inquiry when the system doesn't feel ok.

Take your time. Heal, relax and take care.
When you are feeling better, willing and ready - I am here.


Love,
luchana

[alysson]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Alysson