Guide request

[JakeP1989]

Hey man. Sorry I haven’t been updating. Things have been changing. Senses, thoughts, body… I don’t quite know what to say about it right now but somethings happening. Haven’t forgot about you man I’ll report back soon

[ty0]

No worries man take care take your time

[JakeP1989]

Tyler you fucker!!! I knew you knew what this black star thing was!!!!

No more questions

[ty0]

Tyler you fucker!!! I knew you knew what this black star thing was!!!!

I have no idea what you're talking about 😂😂

No more questions

Like ever? Or just for now?

[JakeP1989]

I can’t imagine having another question lol. It is everything.
It’s like a portal or a slide… I had been seeing it from the very beginning but I thought it was my eyes just being weird but it’s always been here. As I was going through it all I could think was “Tyler that mother fucker”

[ty0]

Wait what? I'm confused

[ty0]

What's this black star and why is it everything?

[JakeP1989]

Man you’ve really never seen this thing that looks like a black hole? I thought you were fucking with me just making me figure it out myself…

I don’t know what it is, it’s like a black hole that sucks you in until there is nothing… and also not nothing I guess. An experience I know but what is it like for people who don’t see it? How could it be any other way?

[ty0]

Hm I dunno. But yeah an experience. The danger is ascribing meaning to it, like truth or whatever. How've you been man?

[JakeP1989]

I’ve been ok man… just watching all this unfold I guess. There are times this all seems really clear then just as often not so clear. My senses have been changing. Really subtle most of the time then sometimes when I’m just sitting there seems to be like a presence… this is really difficult to describe but I can’t think of another word for it. All of a sudden things get really sharp, there is a stillness of just the sounds and seeing and feelings. Like an alive stillness, like it is just in the air. It’s really peaceful. That comes and goes but I can sometimes stop what I’m doing and notice it, or usually when it happens it’s like it taps me on the shoulder.

The energy stuff in my body is still doing its thing. Really weird stuff in my face, that’s when I started noticing my senses changing. Not much insight into anything lately… I’ve kinda resigned on seeking, for answers or things being how i want them to be. I know "its” not an "it” but it seems to be showing me what it is however it’s supposed to be… I don’t know if that made sense.

The only practices I’ve been doing lately are just sitting in the silence or trying to watch my thoughts (I feel like I’m still missing something about the thoughts) and I think aboht what you said about all the senses having no distinction a lot. I’ve been looking at them more closely, I feel kinda drawn to that for some reason

[ty0]

Sounds good. The thing you may be missing with thought is the orientation of being in the process of something. It sounds a bit like you're still 'waiting for something'.

Here are some questions:
Is there seeing, apart from the colours?
Is there hearing, apart from the sounds?
Is there feeling, apart from the sensations?
Is there being aware of thoughts, apart from the thoughts?
Who are you? What is self?

[JakeP1989]

Yes I’ve been looking at that thought for a while, the expecting something to happen, or getting something that I don’t have right now… the part of it I can’t seem to kick is that I still feel like me, my body and my life. Maybe there is a subtle expecting of some experience where that drops away but I don’t really care about the experience. I have these experiences all the time now that a year ago I would think someone was crazy if they told me was happening to them. These experiences come and go and do nothing for me, I’m not really any happier than when I started all of this. Sometimes I am, but just as often I might feel even worse knowing that everything I believe is probably a lie.

This morning I sat with some feelings I’ve been avoiding. I never told you this but a couple years ago I started taking adderall… it’s a prescription drug that I take to stay awake and not be so sleepy at work when I have to stay up. Well that is why I originally started taking it. The plan was to take it on my work days only, then soon that turned into every day to have some energy. Now it’s been 2-3 years of taking it every day to take away the tired feeling I have when I wake up. It started giving me anxiety and I started taking another drug for the anxiety… so you see how this has kinda snowballed. Today when the anxiety started I just looked at it when I would normally take another pill to not feel it anymore. Just some sensations. A bit uncomfortable, but that is also just a belief. A thought that is not actually anywhere to be found in the sensation. The tiredness I feel before I take the adderall is just the same thing. Some sensations I’m avoiding. But the weird thing is all these sensations I feel are uncomfortable, this energy stuff has been fixing on its own. I’m gonna have to look at the beliefs around why I’m avoiding feeling this stuff so much and let the sensations be there. Anything I believe is wrong about what is is just a thought

[JakeP1989]

Here are some questions:
Is there seeing, apart from the colours?
Is there hearing, apart from the sounds?
Is there feeling, apart from the sensations?
Is there being aware of thoughts, apart from the thoughts?
Who are you? What is self?

To answer your other questions there is no thing you can actually find called hearing, feeling, seeing, awareness. They are just ideas put over experience. The sounds and sensations themselves also seem impossible to find. I can’t say it’s nothing but I can’t say it’s something either. Awareness seems to also be a thought mentally put on top of experience. There is no actual awareness as a thing you can find.

I don’t really know who I am… self seems to be a thought overlay like hearing and seeing. At the same time it seems so real… like I am in control of my body, even knowing that it’s just a thought out over the experience. It’s really slippery, this idea it’s so easy to get sucked in. I know there is no actual thing called self, or me. It’s an idea turned to belief through growing up and being taught language. We see through these filters. A thought of "mine” my life, my kids, my job… these things happening to me. That’s all just a story we tell ourselves.

[ty0]

What more is "I" or "me" than a figure of speech? How is that word different from the sound of a dog barking?

Yes I’ve been looking at that thought for a while, the expecting something to happen, or getting something that I don’t have right now… the part of it I can’t seem to kick is that I still feel like me, my body and my life. Maybe there is a subtle expecting of some experience where that drops away but I don’t really care about the experience. I have these experiences all the time now that a year ago I would think someone was crazy if they told me was happening to them. These experiences come and go and do nothing for me, I’m not really any happier than when I started all of this. Sometimes I am, but just as often I might feel even worse knowing that everything I believe is probably a lie.

Yeah, there's definitely expectations about how you should or could feel. That's why the following paragraph you wrote is so key.

This morning I sat with some feelings I’ve been avoiding. I never told you this but a couple years ago I started taking adderall… it’s a prescription drug that I take to stay awake and not be so sleepy at work when I have to stay up. Well that is why I originally started taking it. The plan was to take it on my work days only, then soon that turned into every day to have some energy. Now it’s been 2-3 years of taking it every day to take away the tired feeling I have when I wake up. It started giving me anxiety and I started taking another drug for the anxiety… so you see how this has kinda snowballed. Today when the anxiety started I just looked at it when I would normally take another pill to not feel it anymore. Just some sensations. A bit uncomfortable, but that is also just a belief. A thought that is not actually anywhere to be found in the sensation. The tiredness I feel before I take the adderall is just the same thing. Some sensations I’m avoiding. But the weird thing is all these sensations I feel are uncomfortable, this energy stuff has been fixing on its own. I’m gonna have to look at the beliefs around why I’m avoiding feeling this stuff so much and let the sensations be there. Anything I believe is wrong about what is is just a thought

I would really encourage you to quit all that stuff, except when you have to use adderall to stay up at work for safety reasons. There's really no conceptual understanding you're lacking and nothing you haven't "figured out". There's just a lot of resistance to experience like things shouldn't be the way they are (as if they could be any other way). This is the shadow work. It is what it is, my guy, shit happens. You can fight it or you can surrender to it.

[JakeP1989]

Ya that makes a lot of sense man… I’ve noticed the effects when I take it have been getting more and more unpleasant. A really noticeable change around the time my senses started changing like I’m really being pushed to look at it or suffer. I’m gonna stop taking everything on the days I’m home. I think there’s some similar things I’m being pushed to look at as well