Hi james
You've had a shift, but your playbook doesn't change overnight. All the old habits and habitual responses are still there.
Thank you for the needed reminder!
Thank you to everyone who has asked questions to help with this investigation of self. Many of these questions have led to further looking and noticing.
My apologies ahead for those who will be reading. I am home sick from work with fever and have had lots of time to take notes throughout the day. It appears a jumbled mess but it follows how processing was occurring. I am just sending it all without editing much of it.
🙏🙏❤️
Q1 What do you notice different in normal every day experience now from before we started this dialog? Is seeking still on?
There is no worry about what may happen in future or whether there is something I have to figure out or decide. Something will happen and there is no I that has any say in anything that occurs. There are no mental back and forths: should I or shouldn’t? Now It’s more a watching to see what happens. There seems to be less reaction or if it happens, it is quick and passes. Other than these, not much is different. There are no visual differences that others mention, there are no feelings of expansiveness or whatever lol.
At the moment seeking seems to be paused, but with a knowing that deepening will progress in its own time. It will just happen. Opportunities will present that feel right to engage with.
Q2 I like Sharons answers to the last questions, great sincerity and clarity.
Please ask her: for the next day or two keep having an eye for underlying remnants of sense of self. Stuff that might be "catched" during day dreaming, in a moment of unpleasant exchange, someone criticizing or complimenting us, watching television, etc etc. It's like, look to catch remnant beliefs in self "with the hands in the cookie jar" 🍪😄 When remnants beliefs or "phantom limb self" is seen, first just feel and experience it, then investigate what it consist of. Share the results of this investigation 🙏🍃
Response 1: There was a faint sense of pleasure to read “I like Sharon’s answers”. When investigating, there were thoughts of young sharon getting praised. What does it consist of? Like a vapor arises. Not a clear image or a distinct thought about a past event but something else. It reminds me of when you smell something that “takes you back to your childhood”. This sense of something from before arises but can’t describe the what is arising or the how it is all connected. Just this sense of the smell and a past occurrence being connected somehow. A remnant of a feeling being triggered by something occurring right now. The compliment is triggering a remnant of a feeling of being praised. Further investigation seems like the vapor or remnant is not coming from inside of me or from my head. It is just appearing here. There is this sense that everything that I would previously have believed was in my head (thoughts, memory) is really out here, all around. It seems this remnant of sharon is like a vapor that just faintly appears in this space. Not inside my head.
Lol I hope this is not fever delusions! Let’s see if this ever gets sent.
Response #2: A sense arising of feeling proud of my dtr. It’s a feeling. Again when I investigate, it really arises “out there”. Habit is to attach it to a me/in here. No such thing. Becoming aware that it is all arising out there/in awareness itself.
Response #3: As the day has progressed, there have been many instances where I notice a sense of self attached to my physical body, specifically the symptoms of my current illness. I asked James about this yesterday – there seems to be a bombardment of “I” thoughts. Now I recognize these thoughts are about my physical condition. Strong attachment. Like an idea of self is velcroed to illness. Thoughts are noticed of so many illnesses over my life, starting since childhood and the endless seeking to feel better. I’ve noticed that this sense of self has lessened with more abstract roles (mother, teacher, friend) but looking now, I can see this false sense does show up when the body is suffering. Suffering is a mind label so maybe the mind creates the label and this pulls in the false sense of self? I’m going to do better with just noticing what is happening without the suffering labels. Heart rate is increased. Breathing rate increased. Body feels weak. Maybe this will not pull in the “phantom limb self” that gets attached to body. Although I have noticed a difference when I stub my toe or hit my head, there is a lot of pain but no story/thoughts about it. No sense of a me getting hurt. I notice pain and it passes through. This is such a new, different experience, that there is awareness of the difference. So now wondering what is the difference between a simple toe stub/no sense of self and a physical sensation of “illness” which then results in sense of self. I feel that this is just noticing and rambling but if feels kinda important. I need to sit with it and keep looking.
Q3 Does the sense of „I am doing, deciding, or experiencing does still come up in everyday life, though you know that experientially, the „me“ can’t be found?
In the previous question I am being asked to look and investigate. There is a sense that “I” will be investigating. When there is looking for these remnants, there does feel like something is doing the investigation although it doesn’t feel like a personal identity. But what is It? It is nothing. Nothing is there. IT is investigating ITself. IT is awareness itself. Like it’s playing a game with itself. Something is investigating but it doesn’t feel like Sharon
Later: There seems to be less a sense of self when I am doing something or being with others. Driving is happening, tea is being made, pets are being fed. But more when I am having feelings and physical sensations that for whatever reason generate a bunch of thoughts so rapidly there is not awareness of them. Or they overshadow awareness? See my previous answers for more on the physical aspect.
And even Later… ok this is all being sent even though some seems to be just ramblings lol . Adding new clarifications based on investigations with question #2. There seems to be a feeling or physical sensation that arises and a vague sense of a self is noticed due to rapid succession of thoughts that get attached to the feeling. This happens when certain physical sensations or emotions seem to be triggering for whatever reason. The thoughts happen so quickly they are not really even noticed but this sense of identity gets heavier. When I try to look into what it is, there is nothing there. Like looking at it causes it to quickly vanish. So what was it? Just a bunch of thoughts that create an energetic density? Not anything real.
