Remembering

[Catherine1]

Now look at this:

What is the I that is doing the inquiry?

The answer I get is 'Vast, open intelligence, no form, pristine, alive stillness."
There is more and more the awareness that all this is happening by itself. I go to say "I'll enquire into this more throughout the day" but then there is the knowing that I am not doing it. I keep tripping over the I thought.

But for the ease of language let it be said that I will stay with this and look. The investigation into 'sensations of me' felt like a hot air balloon which was dropping a weight each time a me sensation/thought was seen through, getting lighter and lighter. This one "what is doing the inquiry" feels like the sky itself. Am I evaporating?

[Catherine1]

Dear Vivien,
Nothing detectable is doing the enquiry, it is just a spontaneous happening, from a fathomless depth, a fresh, eternal, empty, aware nothingness.
There is so much in this nothingness, no boundaries, no substance, perfection, and a sense of being ahead of the known - slightly in front of experience because thoughts and words which describe or capture it can only come later. It's like living in the complete unknown, the birthplace of thought before the birth, here is prior to concepts. There is a lot of interest in staying here and seeing what more is revealed. It is like receding, prior, prior, prior. The birthplace of everything - but maybe I am getting ahead of myself! ;-)

Much love. Thank you very much for doing this guiding. I'm sure you know the depth of the gratitude that comes with being led home.
x

[Catherine1]

I also want to say that this is not a 'state'. There is no sense of being heightened or ecstatic etc. Just a finding, a discovery. And it takes some concentration to stay focussed on the nothingness, but the more the nothingness is recognised the deeper the realisation of peace.

[Vivien]

I also want to say that this is not a 'state'. There is no sense of being heightened or ecstatic etc

yes, it is not a state.

it takes some concentration to stay focussed on the nothingness

What is doing the concentration?
Is this open alive stillness is doing the concentration? Or..... in order to do it, there has to be something apart from it and trying to focus on it.

So, is there something apart from it, doing it? Trying to stay there?

Is it possible that this focusing happens effortlessly, done by nothing, no-one?

[Catherine1]

Hi Vivien,
When I look closely I can see that there is nothing doing the looking but it still feels as though effort has to be made to see. It seems to radical that nothing is doing the looking/inquiry.

Is it possible that this focusing happens effortlessly, done by nothing, no-one?

Yes, it is possible and it is the only answer that makes sense.But it is so hard to imagine that the clear seeing of it could stay and not flip back to an I who is looking. The I is the default setting. Is it a matter of continuing to look in order to break the habit?
This is a familiar place, there is the fleeting seeing through the I and the understanding of no self, no boundaries etc and then the fall back into the separate self. I just clicked on to your blog this evening, randomly, and read about putting aside doubt thoughts and trusting experience. That helped. And there is a sense of a more direct noticing of the no doer, the spontaneous happening. And at other times there is a seeming brick wall of a self that will not move.
with love,
C

[Catherine1]

Dear Vivien,
I have reached a block.
The resistance is strong and even though there is a peripheral glimpse of freedom, a feeling of falling, disappearing in to the sky when "Who or what is the I doing the enquiry?" is asked, I can't seem to get there/stay there. The I resurges and everything goes fuzzy, like a child sticking her fingers in her ears, screwing up her eyes and repeating "na na na na na na!" very loudly.
I gave myself a day's break to try to lessen the resistance but as soon as the enquiry starts doubt comes screaming back in and the brick wall looms. I can't imagine living in such direct spontaneity. I think my mind would blow up!

Maybe I should just sit with the easier version

Is it possible that this focusing happens effortlessly, done by nothing, no-one?

Then I can say Yes, it is possible.
The frustration is at fever pitch.
Love, C

[Vivien]

Frustration is all right :)

In spite of all appearances... Is there someone who is frustrated, or there is only frustration just happening, but without an entity, a person, Catherine, being frustrated?

[Vivien]

Look at the same thing with doubt too...

Is there someone there actually doubting, or.... doubting is just happening on its own, without a person, Catherine being doubtful?

Is there anything else to doubt than just a thought saying "I'm not sure... I doubt this and that"?

[Catherine1]

Frustration is all right :)

Ok, Good bc there is a lot of it!

In spite of all appearances... Is there someone who is frustrated, or there is only frustration just happening, but without an entity, a person, Catherine, being frustrated?[/quote
This is still under investigation. When there is no story attached there is just frustration. And there is no one being frustrated, just the thought that there is.

Is there someone there actually doubting, or.... doubting is just happening on its own, without a person, Catherine being doubtful?

As above.

Is there anything else to doubt than just a thought saying "I'm not sure... I doubt this and that"?

This seems easier. This brings the relief of remembering that it is just one thought at a time (I'm glad you are a fan of Byron Katie).
Thanks for hanging in there Vivien. This is where it all gets so sticky and I feel as though I'm in a maze and imagine that I've been shown the exit door and now its a matter of going through it and for some reason I can't. I am aware of all the 'I's I'm using too. I'm going to stick with the doubt is only another thought, happening on its own, without a person being doubtful, and stay with the clarity of that.
Red heart emoji and an Anjali mudra emoji

[Catherine1]

Hi Vivien,
Today there was a seeing that actually, there is no self that separates or is separate. It is only thought that does the dividing (seemingly). This is new because this seeing isn't accompanied by anything. Nothing else changes, nothing at all. There is the seeing of an undivided seamless happening which is the whole. No bells and whistles, no feeling of 'wow', just a subtle dropping away of the mental confusion. Not sure that it will last, in fact it is certain not to but there it is. It is not that "I" am experiencing "No Self' it is that there just is is no self, nothing separating anything. Duh!
Love.

[Vivien]

Very nice :) Just stay with this for a couple of days. You can write to me during Easter, if you'd like to. Just stay with this, see what happens :)

[Catherine1]

Happy Easter Vivien,
I hope you are enjoying the break.
As I stay with the realisation/understanding that there is no I, no separate identity, something, somewhere, almost imperceptibly, is unravelling. As I said in my last text, there is nothing startling going on, nothing else has changed but when there is a moment of focussing there seems to be clearer and faster access to the reality of no separation. There are moments of "Oh that's right! There it is!" Of course there are thoughts which say "This isn't enough! You should be seeing this all the time not just intermittently!" But there is a recognition that these are just thoughts, coming from the vast open spaciousness and going back there too. It is very subtle.
It feels nice to hang out in this space. Restful, peaceful, honest.
Love.

[Vivien]

Great :)

It feels nice to hang out in this space. Restful, peaceful, honest.

You might have check this, but any way, please investigate:

is there anything that is hanging out in this space?
Is there a me, an I, Catherine, that is other than the space and can hang out, or rest in it, in peace?

[Catherine1]

Thank you for the pointer. I hadn't checked but upon checking there is no one, just spaciousness.
There is also hopelessness Vivien. Why is it that there can be seeing when looking along with clear understanding that there is no self, but then there is getting caught in thought most of the day, punctuated with short glimpses of seeing? Why doesn't the recognition stay? Why does the sense of self keep reasserting itself?

[Vivien]

Well, for two reasons.

One, is simply out of habit. That's the default.

The other is that every time we get triggered, even just the slightest, the sense of self jumps back since there is an emotional charge, and that makes it feel real.

Seeing that there is no separate self is NOT the end. Actually, it's just the beginning, the first step.
Lost of further inquiry and emotional work is needed to fully live it.
To get there, it can take years, but it's different for everyone.

There is also hopelessness

When there is hopelessness then in that very moment it is believed that there is an actual, real Catherine present, whom all these experiences happening to, and this person now feels hopeless.

Two things can be done: one, looking for Catherine, to the person that this experience is happening TO, the one that FEELS these emotions....

and the other, to work on the emotional trauma/wound that is being triggered.