Hello Alan,
I'm a bit shocked that your last message is already a week old and at the same time fascinated, because the period feels like the blink of an eye. At the same time, thank you for your patience. Part of the experience is due to DE. I was much less involved in stories in my thoughts. For example, when thoughts came up about how my son was doing and what he was doing, there was no resting on thoughts. I called and asked. When I was asked whether my boss was happy with the outcome of my business trip, I didn't get lost in my thoughts but asked. Every answer felt somehow untrue, especially in the examples. Untrue in the sense of contrived.
Do you speak English to any extent?
My English passive English like listening and reading is okay. When accent, unusual voice pitches or low recording quality are added, I find it much harder to listen. I have started reading simple books in English.
Active English such as writing or speaking is more difficult for me. I am therefore grateful for this learning situation.
May I ask what your first language is?
German
Have you been able to find, a ‘self’ that is the ‘experiencer’?
Yes. The question leads me to the spot in my head that seems to be hidden behind my eyes. When the examination begins in this area, I have been experiencing an unpleasant vibrating feeling of tightness in this area for a few days.
Or a self that is the doer, or can control what happens?
Today I decided to count green cars. I reckoned on 2 of them. In fact, there were 37 green cars. Whatever this 'I' is, it has focused on something and noticed more of it. That feels like the maker. On the other hand, I didn't consciously choose to see exactly 37 green cars. That happened and was out of my control.
I picked up some laundry earlier. When I see how many functions are going on, I know that each of these individual functions is happening outside of my conscious control. Nevertheless, I have the feeling that there is at least one impulse generator that sets all these functions in motion.
Or a self that ‘makes’ decisions?
To stay with the example of laundry. It's just after midnight and I've finished the laundry because my son needs sports clothes tomorrow. I didn't decide that he needed them and I did the laundry as if I had no other choice.
Or a self who ‘does the thinking’?
No. Thoughts arise without me being able to consciously choose each thought.
What is it about working on beliefs? Have I done this in the past and at least been able to change the direction of the thought content?
Is the "body" real or just another thought label / concept for a particular experiencing of images and sensations ?
I had terrible back pain one morning this week. The body felt very real. When I feel inside, I perceive a lot of sensations and movements of something unsolid.
Are the five body senses made to arise or experienced by this ‘self’?
The five senses of the body support the process of identification with the body. They are not made by the self.
Is there a self ‘in here’ which is separate from the world and others ‘out there’?
Yes, if the identification with the body is very strong. No, when I look at my brother's body and can feel how it feels.
Is there doubt or unclarity that in all these cases the ‘self’ is nothing other than a mental fabrication?
Is there any doubt or ambiguity about the fact that the 'self' in all these cases is nothing but a mental invention?
The self as Hannes with all its properties and characteristics is an idea that thinks it has rights, for example. If these rights are not fulfilled, frustration arises. If these rights are fulfilled, neutrality is felt. When I let go of the idea of having rights, joy arises for everything that shows up.
Are there any doubts about seeing through the illusion of separate self?
Yes, as I described in the previous questions.
On the way to No-Self, I feel like I can't see the forest for the trees.
Do you still have any of that feeling?
No longer as intense. Rather in a milder form. The thought that accompanies this feeling would now be: "It's as if I'm scratching under a layer of ice and have the feeling of breaking through at any moment. But the ice still seems too thick."
Time to sleep now.
Much love,
Hannes