What am I?

[Bluejay]

Can you describe what this sense of self doing is like?

[LoriAnn]

Okay, here's a specific. It's Christmas. There is a desire of wanting my adult children to come over and see the house decorated, feel what I perceived in the past to feel the coziness of it, the security, the love.

At the same time, I can see clearly all of the attachments I had/have to it. What I expect of myself. what I expect to create. All the people I was: mother, wife, daughter who keep everything and everyone together. I am caught between a story of 'I will upset and possibly do damage to my family' and ' what is all of this? It's unnecessarily complicated'

Does that make sense?

[Bluejay]

Yes. Makes perfect sense. This sounds a bit like fear of what will happen if you keep going?

And on the other hand you have new thoughts seeing that it's unnecessary. Am I understanding it right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with the desire you mentioned. There can be a love or desire to have family close. That can happen even without a separate self.

[LoriAnn]

Yes, you got it. I've been feeling through this today, and maybe narrowed it down.

The fact that I feel somewhat detached now, sort-of 'meh' about most things, or possibly everything, I think that I am letting someone down by not feeling as I did before. Not caring? I am just figuring this out. My new sense of neutrality has caused a whisper of discontent by my ego. I don't care enough and something is going to slip through the cracks and wreak havoc. So, get going!

It's just another story.

Life is flowing in a beautiful way, effortless.

[Bluejay]

The fact that I feel somewhat detached now, sort-of 'meh' about most things, or possibly everything, I think that I am letting someone down by not feeling as I did before. Not caring? I am just figuring this out. My new sense of neutrality has caused a whisper of discontent by my ego. I don't care enough and something is going to slip through the cracks and wreak havoc. So, get going!

Ah, okay.

These sort of swings are almost always temporary as the system adapts, so you can just let your thought-machine know: "Let's give it a week and see how it goes."

As for slipping through the cracks, here's a pointer:

Imagine for a moment a scene, one of a little mountain stream which is tumbling down a hillside gully, not far from its source. It has been raining and so the level is quite high.

Consider in your mind's eye, if you can, how it flows to the right over a little rock (where, had the level been lower, it would probably have gone around the rock), then the flow goes to the left over a tree bow, and then slows a little in a broader place, before splashing over a small cascade into a pool, and so on down the mountain side.

Does it choose any of its directions? Is it even really a separate entity different from the water deposited in it, the rocks, the depressions in the ground and so on?

Is it even the same entity moment by moment, or more the product of weather conditions and water, like an ever-changing pattern?

1. Can you find anywhere where 'you' autonomously intervene into life, choosing something that is not the product of all the elements; that is not a part of the overall flow?

2. Now please consider a regular decision made eg; what to wear in the morning, or what to eat for lunch, and describe to me what happens. There are environmental factors, there are color preferences (but where did those come from - any autonomous intervention there perhaps?), practical issues (such as what is available), available time for preparation, purpose (eg; need to fill up for the day, or to look cool for a certain person) etc.

Where in there is an autonomous entity intervening in the flow of life?

Can you find someone somewhere?

3. Can anything be found for which 'you' are responsible – if so responsible to what and for what?

Enjoy :)

[LoriAnn]

Does it choose any of its directions? Is it even really a separate entity different from the water deposited in it, the rocks, the depressions in the ground and so on?

Is it even the same entity moment by moment, or more the product of weather conditions and water, like an ever-changing pattern?

Love the stream analogy, I totally get it. Life just flows, constantly morphing into something new! :)

1. Can you find anywhere where 'you' autonomously intervene into life, choosing something that is not the product of all the elements; that is not a part of the overall flow?

Everything is the movement of all that is!

2. Now please consider a regular decision made eg; what to wear in the morning, or what to eat for lunch, and describe to me what happens. There are environmental factors, there are color preferences (but where did those come from - any autonomous intervention there perhaps?), practical issues (such as what is available), available time for preparation, purpose (eg; need to fill up for the day, or to look cool for a certain person) etc.

Where in there is an autonomous entity intervening in the flow of life?

Is it the small self that cares what I look like? Because I still do. I want to look nice.
Self also does seem to pop up when I am overcome with one of my senses. When getting ready in the morning I sometimes stop still and feel - the water dripping off my hair onto my skin becomes exquisite; the velvet of my top is unexplainably delicious under my fingers; the sun coming up behind the trees is beauty I've never seen - self says I am now 'late' because i wasted time I didn't have. Part of me doesn't care at all, and another part does!

3. Can anything be found for which 'you' are responsible – if so responsible to what and for what?

I feel responsible for the lateness, and yet I feel like it's important to dig-in to this new way of being. I am hoping this will all sort itself out. I was not sure it was here to stay, but it feels like I am going deeper, the stillness is becoming more constant. I don't want to waste your time, I might be okay to just keep going into this wonderful sweet direction of love, gratitude and oneness. Objects seem to be hanging around, or at least having shape and color(what freaked me out originally months ago was the 'nothingness' I saw), so I am feeling stable.

I can't thank you enough Henri! Your pointers have been so helpful, and you got me going in the right direction, once I finally calmed down. I appreciate all of your help!

[Bluejay]

Is it the small self that cares what I look like? Because I still do. I want to look nice.
Self also does seem to pop up when I am overcome with one of my senses. When getting ready in the morning I sometimes stop still and feel - the water dripping off my hair onto my skin becomes exquisite; the velvet of my top is unexplainably delicious under my fingers; the sun coming up behind the trees is beauty I've never seen - self says I am now 'late' because i wasted time I didn't have. Part of me doesn't care at all, and another part does!

What is this self you are referring to?

What is it that pops up when you are overcome by one of the senses?

Be very specific. What is the self that pops up? Is it a thought? Sensation? Something else?

I feel responsible for the lateness, and yet I feel like it's important to dig-in to this new way of being. I am hoping this will all sort itself out. I was not sure it was here to stay, but it feels like I am going deeper, the stillness is becoming more constant. I don't want to waste your time, I might be okay to just keep going into this wonderful sweet direction of love, gratitude and oneness. Objects seem to be hanging around, or at least having shape and color(what freaked me out originally months ago was the 'nothingness' I saw), so I am feeling stable.

It is up to you if you want to keep going. You're not wasting my time, so don't worry :)

I can't thank you enough Henri! Your pointers have been so helpful, and you got me going in the right direction, once I finally calmed down. I appreciate all of your help!

You still seem to have the assumption that there is a self, so if you want to see it through, I'm here to help.

Let me know what you decide!

[LoriAnn]

Yeah, there is sometimes a sense of a 'me', and yet I feel only lovely empty space in my head, and inside, where I used to feel a 'me'. I feel the presence of Oneness, literally, and my senses are changed.

What is this self you are referring to?

Thought. This self is thought!

What is it that pops up when you are overcome by one of the senses?

thought pulls me out.

Be very specific. What is the self that pops up? Is it a thought? Sensation? Something else?

It is an uncomfortable feeling at first; pulls me out of the beauty of life; not letting go completely and trusting 'all that is' causes a thought to arise that grabs my attention away. The thought comes to the foreground.
Ugh.
All this thought about it feels like it's giving thought more life.

[Bluejay]

Yeah, there is sometimes a sense of a 'me', and yet I feel only lovely empty space in my head, and inside, where I used to feel a 'me'. I feel the presence of Oneness, literally, and my senses are changed.

That's wonderful!

Thought. This self is thought!

Is the self IN thought?

If so, look for it. This is why I said to be very specific.

How can the self be thought?

There can be a thought about self, just like there can be a thought about Santa, but is there such a thing as a self or Santa?

thought pulls me out.

What is this me that is pulled here and there?

It is an uncomfortable feeling at first; pulls me out of the beauty of life; not letting go completely and trusting 'all that is' causes a thought to arise that grabs my attention away. The thought comes to the foreground.
Ugh.

There seems to be an assumption that the beauty of life excludes uncomfortable sensations. How can that be so when life is everything?

All this thought about it feels like it's giving thought more life.

Do you see that this is more thought?

This thought is there to distract from the uncomfortable feelings you are avoiding, because you may believe that they shouldn't be here.

There will always be pleasant, unpleasant and neutral sensations. In Buddhism they talk about first and second darts. The first dart is just being alive, feeling everything from pain to joy. The second dart is the reaction of this shouldn't be here, I only want the beauty, and the meaning that is given to it. This second dart is the suffering.

The unpleasant feeling in and of itself is not a problem until the reaction judges, labels, and tries to escape into feeling better.

[LoriAnn]

Do you see that this is more thought?

Yes! I have been able to sort-of look at the thoughts over the last few days, and actually hear them without engaging. They are seeming to be a part of me, and yet they don't mean anything. Your pointers were so spot on, and also things are still morphing all over the place over here.

There seems to be an assumption that the beauty of life excludes uncomfortable sensations. How can that be so when life is everything?

Yes, I feel that. I am going through realizations, or I don't know what to call them, every day. It feel as though things are getting larger, and things are getting smaller. I really can't put words to it, other than to say 'I' (how else to put it?), am a speck in a vastness that sometimes shows itself.

I am experiencing every facet of life in a new way. It is an adjustment to watch old habits, thoughts, ways of being, give way to the new.

I spend a lot of time just 'being' in a room, and I am finding out that people expect me to talk and have things to say, but I just don't.

I have a question for you. I watch things, people, my cats, the couch, chairs, anything in the room, dissolve into nothing. What is very surprising to me is that the things that I deemed 'alive' didn't leave a soul, or sparks of light, or act in any way different from the inanimate objects. My intuition says that everything is alive, that the bodies are not different, and yet the 'not special' quality is a surprise. Do I have this right?

Thank you Henri! I am taking things very slowly, and All That Is, is complying. Thank God (haha!)

[Bluejay]

My intuition says that everything is alive, that the bodies are not different, and yet the 'not special' quality is a surprise. Do I have this right?

Yes, that sounds like how I would say it. Nothing is special (in a good way). Do you also feel relief that you don't have to be special?

Let me ask you this: Can you say with 100% certainty that there is no inherent self that is thinking, doing, intending, feeling, and making things happen?

[LoriAnn]

i feel relief in so many ways! Being part of whatever this is, is a depth of wonder I did not know existed! Doors of clarity are opening, opening, opening!

What I can say about the self, is that when it does show up, it doesn't have a grip. I cannot say it doesn't try, it is felt. But something has pushed me over the sweet edge of caring abut it. I don't. It's there, unattended.

Thank you Henri! I believe this is done now. I appreciate your help more than I can say.

[Bluejay]

That's great to hear, Lori!

The reason I asked the question is to see if you would be ready for the final questions we like to ask here on LU to wrap things up.

Completely up to you if you would like to do them, of course :)

[LoriAnn]

Love to!

[Bluejay]

Here you go. If you use a term like awareness, please clarify what you mean by it in direct experience.

Other than that, enjoy, and let me know if you have any questions!

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Describe how decisions are made & give examples from experience.

Describe intention & give examples from experience.

Describe free will & give examples from experience.

Describe choice & give examples from experience.

Describe control & give examples from experience.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?