Hi Cheryl,
I hope you have enjoyed your trip!
1)Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
No.
Was there ever?
No.
2)
Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own
experience.
The sense of self is just a series of thoughts in the moment that define a 'person'. Those thoughts arise to say I am and then more thoughts arise to defend the I am, reinforcing the sense that was created. Thought defending thought.
I have no clear memory of before a seperate self, but even now I can see it forming (in a vague sense, like a mirage maybe that never stays anymore) around other people - particularly family. Interactions with others create a "you are this" message, followed by "I am this" thoughts that are then reinforced by more thoughts.
Now when those thoughts arise instead of forming this separate self they are just seen as thoughts - but the thoughts themselves do still come sometimes. They just pass without "sticking".
Incidentally, my youngest daughter has an intellectual disability and I don't think this process has started for her. It's interesting to watch her interacting with the world :-)
Describe it fully as you see it now.
Experience is just this, what's happening right now. The sense of a body, an environment, what's happening, are just sensations right now. There's no effort to notice this, it's just always there even when attention is on daily activities.
Thoughts come, action happens, there's no one doing anything though. No one to take ownership, it just is.
Pain still happens, sadness, happiness, emotions etc all still arise but there's no "I am happy, I am sad". It's just this present experience. (I honestly had an expectation this would be different and life would be less painful - in a sense it is but not how I was expecting).
There's still hurry to get the girls to school, but no sense of someone to blame if we're late. There's still happiness and joy at many things but no sense of pride or achievement.
Recently I'm noticing that things seem to arise as a habit or a pattern. The response to something almost feels like a set of lines I'm saying and there will be a sense of confusion - why is this reaction happening? The words and actions are playing out without the feeling behind it. Sorry - hard to explain. The reaction I have to something might appear to be anger - but there's no actual anger arising behind the response. It's like a learned pattern that is playing out that no longer matches the current experience.
3) How does it feel to see this?
At first there was a feeling of wonder I think, and also grief. Now, it doesn't feel anything. It's just the way it is. There's a sense of contentment or peace perhaps much of the time but it's not "because this is seen". It's just there.
My husband has known for a while that I have been "on this path" because I talked about it a lot. I haven't even told him about any of this because I really don't know what to say. To say "It's happened! I've had an awakening" is not accurate. That would require an I to achieve something. So this event or thing that was put on a pedestal all at once seems amazing and wonderful but at the same time so mundanely ordinary it doesn't need to be spoken about.
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There's nothing to seek anymore. There's curiosity, but not seeking. There's actually no seeking for anything, enlightenment, non duality, to be a good person etc. There's still doing that happens mostly as before but the doing has started to change a bit.
There's a sense of flow to things. There's no angst over "me", trying to define me, does this action fit with "who I am" etc. The action happens, feeling arise, thoughts arise, it's all fine.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I actually don't know, it just seemed to happen. I was feeling very present when I read your email, and there was just a sudden sense of letting go of everything. Liberation unleashed, non duality, awakening etc. I'm not exactly sure to be honest. It just suddenly felt done. Except nothing was really done lol. After reading your email, there was an experience of seeing "under the hood" so to speak. That Carla never existed and there was grief for all the suffering that has been felt.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Just a thought or series of thoughts. This week the thought has been there to stay at home and clean out our basement. The thought arose, the so called decision happened and the body may or may not do it. There was no choosing this thought, no one to make a decision.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Just thought about something that will happen in time (also thought). Yesterday there was a thought to go for a walk. Then other thoughts arose about other things and the walk didn't happen. Today there's another thought about going for a walk.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
There is no individual free will. There's no thing controlling anything. I came across the phrase, "you are being lived" at some point and this resonates. There's no separate agency to "have" free will. There's no choice to have one thought over another. Life plays out as it does.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Just thought. A thought arises that says I will have coffee today instead of tea and then coffee happens. There was no "I" deciding, the thought arose and the action happened. There's no one and nothing deciding whether a tea or coffee thought arises. And anything analyzing that decision is just more thought.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Control is just more thought. Thought taking ownership of an action. Today I mostly stuck to the plan I had for the day. Thought could say, "I controlled that, I was in control of the day" but it wasn't the case. There was nothing in control of anything.
What makes things happen?
I don't know. They happen.
How does it work?
I have no idea. Instead of knowing more, the feeling of certainty as to "how things work" has faded. Now there's curiosity.
What are you responsible for?
Give examples from experience.
There's no separate me to be responsible for anything. Thoughts arise, actions happen. As previously stated though there's a sense of flow to things so what might have been termed irresponsible behavior (watching a movie when I should be completing our taxes - this one is common) happen less now because those so called irresponsible actions would often arise from avoiding the present moment. So even though there's no separate entity to be responsible, feeding and caring for my daughters still happens, I really do complete our taxes eventually. Without the constant angst over defining identity these things are free to just happen.
6) Anything to add?
I don't think so. I don't find I have a lot of words to say about this anymore :-)
Love,
Carla :-)
