An invitation to Beginner

[Ilona]

I will help you on the next part of the questioning.

Tell me precisely what feelings come up when you play with this thought:

There is no separate being 'me' in reality at all. As in zero.

Really look at that and report what is found.

[Beginner]

Tell me precisely what feelings come up when you play with this thought:

There is no separate being 'me' in reality at all. As in zero.

Really look at that and report what is found.

Okay, I will be honest and truthful what i feel about it.

There is no separate being 'me' in reality at all. As in zero.

Unfortunately it is not truth for me. I see "me" as myself, and it is separated being. And also every other person is separated and unique.

[Ilona]

Thank you for answer.
Uniqueness is everywhere, it is not gonna disappear. Look at a tree, every leaf is unique, there are no two leaves the same, no two trees the same, every expression is unique.

Nothing changes, but belief in separateness is seen through and drops. All it is- confusion between what is real and what is fantasy. Real being that which does not disappear when you stop believing in it.

Remember the story of Santa and little kids belief in Christmas magic. It's a fantasy. Once it's seem that Santa never was real, you never have to question that again. You know.

Same here.
You believe that there is this separate entity 'me' that runs your life. There isn't.

This is all I'm gonna help you see.

To start with, please list all expectations What do you think that liberation brings, how do you think it should feel like, what do you want it to be. Just be as honest as you never were before, like if you life depended on it.

[Beginner]

To start with, please list all expectations What do you think that liberation brings, how do you think it should feel like, what do you want it to be. Just be as honest as you never were before, like if you life depended on it.

Okay Ilona, these are my honest expectations:

The end of thinking of better future - how I will be happy... And doubts of better future - how I will be miserable.
The end of loops of negative thinking and thinking about literally imaginary situations.
The end of need to be somebody and to need to do something all the time.
The end of taking things personally - to protect and fight in the name of protection of "myself" (ego).

Next things I don't know how to precisely describe, this is how I feel it:

The end of "mask of ego". When I am with other people I behave unnaturally. The presence of other people make me "unstable". I am not in peace.

Last thing is "to be sure of myself". I am used to obey other people, to take very seriously and personally what they say and act. I am "scared" of them. I don't believe myself, and I have a tendency to trust what other people say.
(The last thing is speared into more sentences - but all sentences describe one thing.)

[Ilona]

thank you for answer, your expectations are pretty clear, no nonsense. good. but for now let's leave them right here and take a fresh look. in the end it's nothing that you expect how you expect.

tell me what feeling comes up when you let this thought in, let the mind play with it:

there is now separate being 'me' at all as in zero.
if that was true, how would it work? imagine and tell.

[Beginner]

thank you for answer, your expectations are pretty clear, no nonsense. good. but for now let's leave them right here and take a fresh look. in the end it's nothing that you expect how you expect.

tell me what feeling comes up when you let this thought in, let the mind play with it:

there is now separate being 'me' at all as in zero.
if that was true, how would it work? imagine and tell.

Please, I can't understand meaning of "as in zero" in this statement. (In first version - "There is no separate being 'me' in reality at all. As in zero." - I absolutely understand)


Can you please add a few sentences about meaning?

there is now separate being 'me' at all as in zero.

Thank you

[Ilona]

Sorry, a typo. Now should be no. Big difference.

No separate entity 'me' at all.

[Beginner]

Sorry, a typo. Now should be no. Big difference.

No separate entity 'me' at all.

My "logic" thoughts disagree. I know (understand) myself as separate entity. I can choose what I do for job, choose a car, house, woman, friends. I feel separation in all these things.
But all these sentences are just thoughts.

In the fact when I ask myself "Is there separate entity 'me'?" - there's no answer, only silence, emptiness.

[Ilona]

Aha, pay attention to that silence. It's the spaceless space. See if it's the same place from where thoughts come from.

Look at the silence as if it's sky and thoughts are clouds. Notice the relationship between sky and clouds. Explore here.

[Beginner]

Aha, pay attention to that silence. It's the spaceless space. See if it's the same place from where thoughts come from.

Look at the silence as if it's sky and thoughts are clouds. Notice the relationship between sky and clouds. Explore here.

Hi Ilona, I don't have much time in these days - I'm doing office paperwork... It is kind of urgent...
I don't know what I will exactly found. But I will try it in few days. (paperwork will be done)

But I want ask you for advice or an assignment. (Just for this opportunity)
During paperwork time, I create a lot of assumptions.
Thoughts like:
"This client is really sloppy."
"That client owe me some money." a then I create scenarios in mind like, I have to suit him, etc...

A lot of assumptions.
I know that all of these thoughts are just illusions. They are "dead images" - I mean - they are not alive. They are something static without life, like a text written on paper.

Is there something what I can discover now? - During a paperwork time, when my mind is full of these assumptions.

[Ilona]

you can watch the assumption arise and notice your reaction to it, what feeling comes up inside, when you think of somebody in a certain way. notice the judgement that you project to the other. for example if you assume somebody sloppy, notice what feeling that calls up in you and what judgement there is about it. but pay attention to feeling more that thought. play with it with curiosity. be open to feel whatever comes up, do not deny, monitor, manipulate, explain to yourself, just watch it and let it pass.

when we judge another we feel right about something when the other is wrong. in truth it's all one being expressing itself as this, so there is no other, only your assumption based on some learned belief. find that belief and inspect it. it's a great way to deprogram your conditioning. any resistance felt points to belief.

let me know how this goes.

[Beginner]

when we judge another we feel right about something when the other is wrong. in truth it's all one being expressing itself as this, so there is no other, only your assumption based on some learned belief. find that belief and inspect it. it's a great way to deprogram your conditioning. any resistance felt points to belief.

supplementary question: Is a judging (what's wrong and right) a duality?
And that assignment is a recognition of that duality?

[Ilona]

judging is done from the place me vs the world. so of course it's a play of duality. by this exercise you can investigate how this works, what patterns arise, catch them in action. it's just an exercise, while you do your paperwork.
yes, recognition of duality. notice how it happens by itself, see if there is any effort in the act of recognition.

[Beginner]

I'm very hopeless.
I failed in both assignments.

I tried more times, but I failed.

I know that I can't control thoughts.
But I can't even don't take that thoughts personally.
I'm scared of that I stuck in present life situation for rest of my life.

I tried to pay attention of silent spaceless space. And I don't know. I don't know see it. Inside of me.
I don't know relationshipbetween thoughts and that space. I didn't found it.

I'm scared and afraid what will happening next. If this is required for liberation.

[Ilona]

Let this be ok, being scared and not knowing.
Trust the process. You did not fail. You can not fail. You has no choice.
Awakening is happening regardless of what you think about it. Just notice, it is not in your control. You can not do anything to wake up.how do you wake up in the morning?
Tell me what is it that gets liberated? And from what?

Nothing can be stuck forever. Everything is impermanent. There is no one to be stuck. All is unfolding by itself, effortlessly.

Now wipe your tears and stand up. Focus. Keep going.