First, just checking in. Still here, so to speak. Second, something significant seems to have happened. Maybe significant is the wrong word. Two Mondays ago, there was a moment of clarity. I'd been doing a lot of inquiry. As much as I could remember to do, along with trying to keep the attention in the body. So with near relentless trying to locate where there might be an "I", "me" or any sort of thing (As Christiane Michleberger put it recently, like you're trying to find your keys) in a moment, this sense of 'hereness' this sense that gives rise to what I describe as the subtle sense of ownership of experience, it was perfectly clear, totally obvious, that there wasn't any central agent here, putting itself at the center of things. Never has been, never will be.Witnessing life takes no time at all, watch it through your day. You cant fail because you are life.
for the first week after that, reactivity was severely reduced, sometimes gone altogether. We even had a *very* serious family situation the day after this moment of clarity (two Tuesdays ago) and any emotions or feelings that arose were allowed to be felt, and pass on their own. All "I" did was to make sure I didn't try to defend "me" and didn't try to blame or find fault with the others involved. It was quite remarkable, as this normally would have been such a huge blow, that it would have hurt like hell, and continued to be felt for days after. That didn't happen.
so while it is still very clear that there isn't a 'someone' or any sort of 'thing' here, things have also sort of normalized. The reactivity is still diminished, and when it does happen, is usually short lived. But things feel very normal or ordinary now, yet if I look, or should say, when looking happens, it can be seen that that sense of some sort of something substantial here at center isn't there.
Yet at the same time, there seem to be habits of mind. If I say, for example, "I will help you in a moment" in that moment, there's sort of a buy in to the idea or sense of someone who will help someone else. That is to say, the sense of that once assumed entity not being there, isn't always at the center of awareness/consciousness/attention. I assume that's normal. With the fetter model in mind, I suppose that doesn't change until fetter 8 is dissolved/broken/whatever.
I think what I'm trying to say is, that even thought it is very clear in an intuitive way, that there's no such thing as "I", "me" a doer, thanks to all the myths and misconceptions about waking up, there appear to be some unrealistic ideas and expectations about what things are like, how they are, once you see that the assume 'you' isn't real, isn't there and is just a thought and/or mental impression.
I can answer the questions if you like, if you think that is appropriate/warranted. Let me know.
