1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No there is no entity in direct experience that 'self' 'me' or "I' refers to nor was there ever. It is a belief or a story which is the lynchpin of a tower of stories/beliefs called 'my' life' 'my' goals, ambitions, accomplishments, relationships, trauma, etc etc etc."
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of the separate self is a hall of mirrors. It takes about 18 months for babies to recognize their bodies in a mirror. Then they are conditioned to believe the body is "me" and it is small and separate from the rest of the SEEN(scene). It learns that the "me" is good or bad, right or wrong and it is off to the races. I remember as a young child feeling this was a game the adults were playing. "I" thought "I" could figure it out, LOL. Feelings oscillated from happy to sad. I was good one day and bad the next. WTF was going on? How could I be both? Why did I feel so "unreal?"
Yet, it took a 'whole life' to SEE that the game could not be figured out. Too ridiculously simple.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I have seen many aspects of this illusion over the past 15 years. Each time was accompanied by a sense of lightness, joy and freedom. Like putting down a heavy load. Or having a piano crash down on my head. "DUH, of course" accompanied most of these "experiences." Yet doubt would come in quickly (24-48 hrs) and cause contraction back into a "me" who "had the experience" which was not "quite IT yet." There were so many beliefs and expectations in my personal handbook of awakening.
Even though there was no-one anywhere, there was still suffering so there must be a "me" remaining'. Like the joke about looking through a pile of shit for the pony, it must be there somewhere!
What has changed in the last 10 days or so, is I have seen that seeker/doubter or one trying to package and tell the story IS the story. I listened to others tell the story of "me, the one who doesn't get it" and I could see how that story prevented SEEING what is already here and how totally laughable and sad it was. I also realized this doubt response was not necessarily a belief in a separate self but rather a form of reactivity to being triggered (4-5th Fetter inquiry). All in all, the doubter was a residue of "selfing" and seen through as the illusion it is.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
A few things pushed me over.
-Stacy was strict with my explanations and intellectualization... Yay!
-I read a bunch of threads and attended several 'Sunday with Vince' calls and I could see the doubting story as it showed up in "others." This made it easier to recognize the illusion for what it was. I also realized that I have already seen through the self illusion by doing the exercises. They were all very obvious yet I did them with "beginner's mind" and really enjoyed it. It felt great to get out of my head and just LOOK(The 'knower' is no more real than the 'seeker' or the 'doubter).
-This morning i felt sounds and sights were passing through me and there was then no "me" to pass through. Just THIS. So vast and still and clear.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
I can remember the feeling of being "the general manager of the universe" started at an early age. It was always accompanied by contraction and discomfort in the throat and chest. The story was "I am responsible" for everyone and everything and I was always falling short. This belief caused so much suffering and took >30 years to dismantle. (I did it the hard way).
First it became obvious that "other people" were on their own course and I could do nothing to change it. Then it was seen that there was a "divine intelligence" which was at play and we were actors on the stage (seeing this 15 years ago made me quit my career). It is now completely clear that it all is an illusion/dream, the playwright, the play, the audience and the stage. Yet, at the same time there is the appearance of actors, narrative, time and space.... so amazing!
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
These questions feel connected somehow. All of these words; control, intention, free will and choice imply a subject.
They also take for granted a linear timeline, cause and effect and actual "objects" which exist apart from the subject. They also ignore "interbeing" as the buddhists call it. Mostly, I see innocence, not knowing, just perfection unfolding. No doer, no decider, no divine orchestration or meaning anywhere to be found.
Examples abound. The feeling of being a doer has been replaced with wonder and amusement at the unfolding. A sensation of free fall occurs sometimes and a sensation of discomfort with a story called "fear". Occasionally the "doubt monster" arrives, saying there is more, better, somewhere else in the future.... Then there is a smile and the tension releases.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
The million dollar question! Right now it is seen that there is no-one or no-thing who is the grand poo-bah. There is no master plan. Any ideas about meaning and predictability are stories, pure and simple. This feels both exhilarating and disquieting in the body.
Yet this "character" still enjoys contemplating this question on a relative level. (Physics, neuroscience, etc). It is what it is.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Nothing, Nada, Zip. Hallelujah! Praise the lord! ( just an expression ;-)
6) Anything to add?
Gratitude for Stacy, VInce, Ilona, Luchana, Lubo, Jeff and Todd. Gratitude for all the courageous ones who have played it forward over the years and for this most precious forum. I hope to join Todd and VInce as a guide for those in doubt. I really got a good look through it here. Much Love to you all!
