Seeking help getting to the exit door

[Darrell]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
That the fixed, solid, stable and enduring self we're conditioned to believe doesn't actually exist. "I" am not my body, as it is always in flux, which is true for my thoughts, feelings, memories, beliefs, etc. There is nothing that is conventionally believed to be I, me or myself that can be taken to be self, as all of it is constantly changing.

What are you looking for at LU?
I'm wanting to see through the illusion of self in a deep lasting way. I've had anatta experiences during meditation, and even the so called 'dark night of the soul' experience, but it seems that the entire mental committe hasn't gotten the message. There's still a large part of this person that still buys into the illusion. I'd like to break yolk of belief in self, I, me and myself in a deep, lasting way, rather than have something that comes and goes, a fleeting freedom that still creates suffering for myself and others. Some part of this being still claims ownership of experience.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I don't know that I have expectations, but do hope that a guided conversation could help me really, finally break the belief in self, at depth. I honestly don't know what to expect. I assume it's akin to self inquiry ala Ramana Maharshi, which is great. I'm open to whatever this might bring, and however it might manifest.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I've been meditating for almost twenty years. I've done the Finders Course three times, and experienced a lesser shift in the first one in 2019, so I've tried most of the known practices from the various wisdom traditions. As mentioned above, I've experienced anatta experiences in meditation. I've had numerous experiences of what the Actual Freedom people call PCE, but it comes and goes.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[MerlinC]

Hello Im Merlin nice to meet you so to kick off things lets start by asking you what is the truest part of you, can you find it?

[Darrell]

Hi Merlin, it's great to hear from you.

What is the truest part of me? It shows up as one of two things. Either this composite of bodily sensations, thoughts, feelings, mental feeling, emotions. Taken individually they can be seen through. As a whole, in the moment, they are pretty convincing as an owner of experience. The second thing is this watcher/knower that is behind all of those things listed in the first part. But there's not any sense of it being "me" or "me" being it. Identification seems to be well established in the bodily sensations, thoughts, etc.

But then I consider your question and try to find the truest part of me, and I'm not sure I can find anything. None of those things are me, I or mine. They seem to just be things.

[Darrell]

Merlin,

I'm wondering what's going on. How long should I expect between responses? I know LU guides are busy, so I'm not sure what to expect.

[Darrell]

Hello Im Merlin nice to meet you so to kick off things lets start by asking you what is the truest part of you, can you find it?

I'm thinking maybe you're not getting notified of my responses. Trying it this way, thinking a quoted reply might notify you of the response.

Thanks,

Darrell

[MerlinC]

Oh I just got your email their must be something screwy with the notifications, your right their isnt anything that makes up an inherent you but you do however sence all these things come and go. That place of sensations I would call your truth because its the only thing ''if you could call it that'' that remains the same yet all phenomenon changes withen its scope. Where then is life are you somehow different from it?

[MerlinC]

Living in that truth is the name of the game wither its chatty in there or not. Conflict has to be felt in order for it to be digested.

[Darrell]

Oh I just got your email their must be something screwy with the notifications, your right their isnt anything that makes up an inherent you but you do however sence all these things come and go. That place of sensations I would call your truth because its the only thing ''if you could call it that'' that remains the same yet all phenomenon changes withen its scope. Where then is life are you somehow different from it?

That place of sensations would be roughly and loosely referred to as "here", and I'm not sure what here is. Not there? That doesn't even make any sense to me.

You say that's my truth. What does that mean exactly? When that sentence is read, it doesn't seem to have any meaning, I'm not able to get a sense of what that refers to. So there's this knowing/seer/place where phenomena is known that remains the same while all phenomena it knows are changing. Certain practices or methods can make that predominat, or bring it to the foreground, but it never stays, even if that unchanging no thing is predominant, or identified with for several hours. Eventually it recedes again. It creates a feeling of being condemned to being "Darrell", with all of his suffering and difficulties.

Did you mean "Where there is life are you somehow different from it", I assume the word "then" was a typo. Just want to make sure I'm understanding you. Yes, there's a feeling, even if it's not always there, or is subtle, of being "here" and life happening around that "here" point.

[Darrell]

Living in that truth is the name of the game wither its chatty in there or not. Conflict has to be felt in order for it to be digested.

Could you explain that further? How do I live in that truth? Conflict has to be felt - do you mean that I need to put all attention on feelings and sensations in the body when there is upset, disturbance, disharmony, hurt, etc?

[MerlinC]

I'm trying to point you in the direction of where you are alive/sensing, where then is life? is like me asking where then is your shoes? its a figure of speech. me and you and every person whos ever lived has sensed they where alive but very few have made the effort to stop and digest what's it like to live in your own skin with no distractions, all we are doing is feeling thoughts and emotions unfortunately we must face ourselves the good the bad and the ugly. when we close our eyes we are doing this, before bed when the mind is chattering away and we cant sleep we are facing thoughts and emotions, its how we digest the garbage we been threw and yes we heal more and more as we stop to do this, that's really why their isn't much to know the now that everyone is after can and will be covered in thoughts that say it doesn't know how to live in the now, yet there you are experiencing that in the now. life is listening to the conversation you're having in your head but you just need time by yourself to realize you are here, that doesn't mean it will be always pleasant but it does help you to feel and feeling is healing. its the dedication to distractionless living. make sense?

[Darrell]

I'm trying to point you in the direction of where you are alive/sensing, where then is life? is like me asking where then is your shoes? its a figure of speech. me and you and every person whos ever lived has sensed they where alive but very few have made the effort to stop and digest what's it like to live in your own skin with no distractions, all we are doing is feeling thoughts and emotions unfortunately we must face ourselves the good the bad and the ugly. when we close our eyes we are doing this, before bed when the mind is chattering away and we cant sleep we are facing thoughts and emotions, its how we digest the garbage we been threw and yes we heal more and more as we stop to do this, that's really why their isn't much to know the now that everyone is after can and will be covered in thoughts that say it doesn't know how to live in the now, yet there you are experiencing that in the now. life is listening to the conversation you're having in your head but you just need time by yourself to realize you are here, that doesn't mean it will be always pleasant but it does help you to feel and feeling is healing. its the dedication to distractionless living. make sense?

I think I understand you. What I'm understanding is to just sit with eyes closed and pay attention to all the internal phenomena, without getting caught up in it, or carried away by it. Is that right? If this is correct, how is this best practiced? A little at a time throughout the day, or taking the time more formally as thirty, forty-five minutes or even an hour to just sit quietly and feel the internal flow of thoughts and feelings?

Where is life? Everywhere it seems. But there's part of it that is known here. Here there is a quiet knowing or awareness of things.

If I've understood you correctly, or not, please let me know.

[MerlinC]

All the practice is paying attention to what is so yeah you know what Im saying, closing the eyes is helpful and just making the practice of being with yourself but when I say being I dont mean being in a zen like state or at peace I mean just feeling on porpose. Give it 15 minutes today and tell me how it goes remember that Rome wasnt built in a day and things might get hard doing this but thats the process of awaking up to our abandoned dirty temples. Youll learn in time that witnessing lets repeating thoughts and emotions run their course and the fall away. 15 min is fine.

[Darrell]

I've been doing it since you first mentioned it, when ever uncomfortable feelings appear. I suppose that doing this under other circumstances are important, too.

I think you kind of pointed at it, but what is the intention or idea behind doing this practice?

[MerlinC]

when we stay put with thoughts and emotions we are by definition awakening to them, we are no longer asleep, this in turn shows us the conflicts we live with and in time dissolve because emotions fuel repetitive thoughts. when we deal we heal and by that I mean that problems the mind makes say arguments you had thirty years ago or just today need your time, feeling the anger fully kind of takes the battery's out of it because it has no emotional charge anymore. leaving a space in you were their was unrest. Self inquiry and mindfulness are technics to facilitate this process because its a natural thing that happens anyways but we are so distracted that anytime we give to ourselves is often given to another distraction in our lives, walks in the woods heals because its just you, nature doesn't argue with you but you may argue with it but that's fine just more things you have to be awake to in yourself. But in time all wounds heal including things you thought you could never ever get over in a million years. you're the medicine. we are here to ask the question who are you? are you thought?

[Darrell]

when we stay put with thoughts and emotions we are by definition awakening to them, we are no longer asleep, this in turn shows us the conflicts we live with and in time dissolve because emotions fuel repetitive thoughts. when we deal we heal and by that I mean that problems the mind makes say arguments you had thirty years ago or just today need your time, feeling the anger fully kind of takes the battery's out of it because it has no emotional charge anymore. leaving a space in you were their was unrest. Self inquiry and mindfulness are technics to facilitate this process because its a natural thing that happens anyways but we are so distracted that anytime we give to ourselves is often given to another distraction in our lives, walks in the woods heals because its just you, nature doesn't argue with you but you may argue with it but that's fine just more things you have to be awake to in yourself. But in time all wounds heal including things you thought you could never ever get over in a million years. you're the medicine. we are here to ask the question who are you? are you thought?

No, I know I am not thought, but it seems to be intellectual, because there is this unconscious or automatic identification with thought. Although when I stop to question it, look and investigate it, I see I'm not thought, it's very obvious. Yet it still happens in an automatic kind of way because it hasn't become intuitive or deep down.

It's like what a mentor said to me when I was having many anatta experiences when meidtating last year - "It's being seen, but the mind is like a committee, and not all the members have gotten the memo yet." Some part of the mind just doesn't get it fully it seems.