1. Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. There is none at all. Never was, never
can be.
2. Explain in detail what the illusion of a separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of self is made of thought (clusters). The illusion appears and disappears based on how it is perceived. Look to close, and it isn't there ... Don't look, it isn't there.
In direct experience the self doesn't start at all, but in thought it starts with the emergence of beingness, somewhere near our birth. Throughout life and experience the self starts accumulating more thoughts about itself and its environment. Each "new" thought or sensation "piggybacks" on the previous one, creating a self-perpetuating illusion of motion and continuity. Nature and nurture do their thing, until the sense of self solidifies and we identify ourselves with our name, our body, our thoughts, our nationality, culture, and so on.
But those are stories from memory and conceptualizations. As it is seen now, it works somewhat like this: Thoughts like "I am writing this," or "I am reading this," or "I am late for work" or "I want a new bicycle" are just thoughts, with no inherent subject in them. Thoughts just appear based on an action/reaction basis from a combination of memories/desires and external/internal stimuli, thoughts and sensations.
Let's say the body senses an impulse to look at the clock. It looks at the clock and then the mind realizes that it is going to be late for work; narration kicks in in the form of a thought: "It's late, I am going to be late to work," implying that there is a separate self, "I", that is going to be late. Upon closer observation, the "I" thought disappears like it never has been, and what is only left is "being late for work".
Through old conditioning the mind insists that there is a self there that is going to be late (but the nagging is less and less now).
3. How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels like the most natural thing there is. It is strange, but yet so familiar.
Before, there was this sense of ownership of doing or thinking, but now it is observed to be just a occurrence in the world of thoughts. The mind seems to has been trapping itself constantly in a forest of concepts, so that the forest itself couldn't be seen. Now, the forest is clearly to be perceived, no matter if it is thought or sensation.
Thoughts of ownership still arise, but awareness now permeates them more, making them more transient than ever. Those thoughts vanish easily, and what's left is this _______ - which I cannot name. "Emptiness" comes close to it, but it's not really empty. It is fullness, beingness, ... it just IS. Then the mind rushes in to give that state a proper label, which is being noticed as "thought occurring".
Before this dialog, things appeared a certain way. Now they are similar, but there is a very distinct texture to it.
4. What was the last bit that pushed you over, that made you look?
After an emotional turmoil (a cocktail of anger, sadness, and depression) a lot of doubt and skepticism, and discussing it with my wife, I've payed more attention to the sensation of the body and looking for the thought overlay.
I've proceeded to give attention to the sensation in the palm of my hand. Then I touched the table with the same palm and gave attention to the sensation again, being vigilant for the thought overlay.
Hand on, hand off, hand on, hand off... Then a realization occurred and mind conceptualized it with words:"It's
just sensation! Yes, the feelings differ, but both sensations are just sensations."
The next day, things were different. In the morning, the turmoil continued, but around afternoon, as thoughts processed the experience from the night before (and with some "cutting through" a shrieking of ego), "I" finally GOT it.
To that point there has been only conceptualizing happening - trying to
understand and to explain it to myself logically. After that point,
seeing what actually is being experienced, has taken over.
I've posted here that day.
The next day, I've woke up with a different state of mind (if it can be described like that). I've read what you posted, Gunnar, and after seeing no question marks, and looking out of the window that no one has a self, it dawned on "me" ... No one home. Ghost town. Poof. Gone was I. But it wasn't gone, because it was truly never there in the first place. It just appeared as an entity that does the thinking or sensing.
5. Describe decision, intention, free will, choice, and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
These question could be answered with the following example:
Let's say that "I" want a new bicycle for whatever reason... maybe "Because I want to commute to work, be healthier, and contribute to less CO2 emissions..."
The lack (of something) caused a desire, and then the desire caused an intention. Intending to buy a new bicycle appears as thoughts in mind as "I will buy a bike". Then, after browsing the web, and after DECIDING happened of which bicycle to buy, CHOOSING happens, "I choose this blue bike". But no "I" is there that did the intending, deciding or choosing. Just thoughts appeared as the event "wanting/buying a bike" unfolded.
When the question "Who chose to buy the bicycle?" is posed, the mind fills the whole event retroactively with thoughts of ownership, claiming that IT did it, and therefore it is in CONTROL. This whole endeavor, mind labels as FREE WILL, which is absurd, if we see it clearly for what it is. The mind/thought world identifies itself as The Self.
Let's then suppose that "I got late for work, because I didn't calculate well the time it takes to ride my bicycle there." Again, another event starts out from the desire "I will not be late to work, if I leave home earlier." Intention, decision/choice, control, free will ... all got its inertia from the previous event. The cause becomes the effect, and the effect becomes the cause. This is how it happens from birth to death. Things folding and unfolding.
What makes things happen?
Things make things happen.
How does it work?
Domino-effect.
What are you responsible for?
There is no "me" being responsible for anything.
The question implies an entity, though, so in that context, the following answer can be given:
"I" am not responsible for anything, since the I that thinks of itself as I doesn't have any substance or existence - just thinking happening, sensing happening, acting happening, etc.
Even in this very moment of answering these questions, there is no "I" being responsible of answering them. Just thinking happening. Writing happening. No entity of self doing it.
6. Anything to add?
It can be added that "I" cannot take any credit for these thoughts and words.
There are still voices in my head claiming ownership, but there's knowledge about their substance, origin, and nature.
It is a very peculiar and strange state of being, if it can be called that way, and all these years thoughts have been used to reinforce thoughts, and with it the personality structure as well.
Now, when seen, that the structure is truly just a play of thoughts and sensations, one is perplexed how it wasn't seen until now.
Gunnar, thank you for the links .. they resonate. :)
Best wishes,
Justin Case
