Awakening

[hball]

Suppose I extend my hands to you and, lying, say, here is a watermelon.
And I give you an imaginary watermelon.
You take the imaginary watermelon and “hold it”. Go ahead, do it. Hold the imaginary watermelon—huge—in between your hands. Now I ask you: what should you do to get rid of this watermelon in your hands?

You can’t. There’s nothing there. It doesn’t make sense to ask that question, and in exactly the same way, it doesn’t make sense to ask the question “how can I get rid of or unmask the separate self?” There actually is no self. Never was. Ever. It was always imaginary, right from the start.

Thank you Gunnar, that is such a clear exercise, that there is no practice or ritual, it's just a matter of knowing that there is nothing there. However, it does seem a little different with my sense of being an individual. I do experience from time to time that all I am is awareness/consciousness, and there is no me, so I do know it at some level. Yet the feeling of being a separate person comes back to being my experience. Is it a matter of making it more my experience, letting the process unfold and one day it will go click?

Even the desire to maintain awareness once it has arisen does not arise from 'you'. Does it? Take a look today and try to find a 'you' in the process of becoming aware. Was there a 'you' that brought up awareness or was it more like awareness arose and then the 'I' thought came after trying to claim it, maintain it, or objectify it?

Yes, it's clear that the desire to maintain awareness does not arise from me, it just arises and then I have a story about making it happen.
I have known many of these things intellectually however what's changing is that now there are short periods of enquiry and noticing throughout the day. Earlier today I was walking and there was only walking happening in the vastness of everything. Of course, there was awareness of my body, and the legs walking, but there was no feeling of a me. It felt freeing but just a short taste.
I have loved watching many Angelo videos in recent times but as per your instructions, I have cut right down to almost zero. I know a lot of the theory but am finding myself wanting to do the enquiry. And I'm aware it's happening without a me doing it!
Thank you once again, Gunnar, for your feedback which is so pertinent and greatly valued.

[gmalen]

Thank you Gunnar, that is such a clear exercise, that there is no practice or ritual, it's just a matter of knowing that there is nothing there.

Yes, I think that's right. Practice and rituals can be helpful to soften the mind to see it. But they indeed are not the seeing in and of themselves. It's just a knowing that that word called "I" that occurs in thought is referring to absolutely nothing in reality. Keep seeing this. There is no "I". Just seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling, thinking... aware-ing, pooping, walking, working, analyzing, forgetting, remembering, etc. No one doing any of it.

However, it does seem a little different with my sense of being an individual. I do experience from time to time that all I am is awareness/consciousness..

Yes, it is a later stage of the awakening process where even identification with awareness/consciousness falls away. But for crashing the gate, or this first shift that we're looking at, that is not important. It may feel like leading up to or after the first shift - "Oh, I'm not that small contracted self identity, I'm more of the space/awareness/consciousness that holds all things". That's fine at this point. The important part is seeing that the separate self, the "I", simply does not exist. period. Again, later on, that feeling of "all I am is awareness" can be looked at if you wish to deepen the awakening process. I've pointed to this truth already, that 'you' are not awareness, there is nothing personal about it at all. But don't worry about that feeling that you are awareness. Just let the possibility of this truth sit in the background for now. Let the seeing hone in on the illusion of the separate, controlling self or "I".

and there is no me, so I do know it at some level. Yet the feeling of being a separate person comes back to being my experience.

Great that there is a knowing at some level of mind - let it continue to sink in. Even after crashing the gate, I get the 'feeling' or I identify with thoughts of being a separate person throughout the day like you. Completely normal. There are similar thoughts, habits, and feelings as before crashing the gate. The big difference is that these internal processes can never hoodwink the mind into the belief that there actually is a separate self b/c it's been SEEN IT FOR WHAT IT IS - nothing. It's like when you learn santa is not real, you can still see him at the mall taking pictures with kids on his lap. But not for a second do you ever re-consider or come to the belief that Santa exists in reality. So I see the self doing its dance, heck, I even go take a picture with it for fun sometimes... but I know it's not real.

Is it a matter of making it more my experience, letting the process unfold and one day it will go click?

The momentum and 'making it more my experience' increases the likelihood persay of that moment occuring. But be careful - the more 'you' try to make that happen, the stickier the sense of 'I' becomes in trying to create, find, seek, and attain something. So relax, keep looking, watch it all unfold. EVERYTHING BELONGS. There is absolutely nothing to change, get rid of, control, or resist. Not even the seeing! The seeing is happening, momentum is growing, now it's about 'letting the process unfold'. Watch the mind lead itself home.

I'd be careful with the idea that something will click in the future. Better to recognize that the truth is already here STARING YOU IN THE FACE! If awakening were to happen, it would be just this (literally whatever your experience is right now (including the process of selfing) minus the belief that a separate self exists.)

Yes, it's clear that the desire to maintain awareness does not arise from me, it just arises and then I have a story about making it happen.
I have known many of these things intellectually however what's changing is that now there are short periods of enquiry and noticing throughout the day. Earlier today I was walking and there was only walking happening in the vastness of everything. Of course, there was awareness of my body, and the legs walking, but there was no feeling of a me. It felt freeing but just a short taste.
I have loved watching many Angelo videos in recent times but as per your instructions, I have cut right down to almost zero. I know a lot of the theory but am finding myself wanting to do the enquiry. And I'm aware it's happening without a me doing it!

Beautiful. Let the inquiry burn, baby!

Anything left that you're holding on to? Fears, concerns about awakening, expectations, strong identifications?

:)
Gunnar

[hball]

Gunnar, firstly thank you so much for your powerful comments-they have had an impact that I do want to share with you
I just spent almost an hour replying and then the site logged me out and I lost what I had written. I can't see anywhere where it is saved.
A similar thing happened yesterday but I made the effort to start again. It's getting late here and what I'm hoping to do is make a recording of my reply and send it to you. Is that something I can do?

[hball]

Gunnar, I just want to let you know in future I’ll write my reply in a Google doc and then transfer it to the app so it can’t be lost.
Your last feedback was extremely helpful and I do want to share what’s been happening.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gmalen]

Harry,

Oh, bummer :/ Sure, audio recording works fine. What country are you in again? I find Whatsapp best for sharing audio recordings. My number is +1 262-853-5180. I'm from America if i didn't share that already.

Good idea with writing/saving in google docs. Thanks for the heads up with the issues.

Take your time and keep looking - can you find a separate self anywhere in direct experience? If it feels like there is, parse it out: Is this thought alone really 'me'? Is this feeling/sensation alone really 'me'? Is this word 'Harry' me?

Gunnar :)

[gmalen]

Please try this spoon exercise now:

The following exercise is designed to let you ‘feel’ the difference between actual experience and imagined experience.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are holding a spoon. Imagine the spoons form, its size, its weight, its temperature. Look and feel at the imaginary spoon for a while.

Then open your eyes … is there a spoon here, in real life?
So how did you see that there is no spoon?
What happened to the spoon?
Did it disappear or did it never exist?

Notice that there was no boom and no bright flashes of light when the imaginary spoon was no longer imagined. Remember this, the shift to seeing through the illusion of a separate self is not going to be any more than this, it is just a dropping of a belief – the belief is the glue that holds the illusion together.

Now go and get a spoon from the kitchen and hold it in the same way that you imagined it.

Feel the spoon’s form, its size, its weight, its temperature.
Close your eyes and feel the spoon for a while.

Now open your eyes … is there a spoon here, in real life?
Are the image of the spoon and the experience of the spoon the same?
How does imagining and experiencing the same thing differ?

Now close your eyes again and bring your attention to the image of “me”, the separate individual entity. Spend some time exploring this, and then answer the following question:

Is it an image or is it an actual entity?

The questions are really just there for you to consider as you do the exercise, I do not need detailed answers to each one, just some reflections on how the exercise went for you, or if you have any questions or need any clarification.

[gmalen]

Seeing Exercise - Part I

The usual belief that 'I am this body' is usually tied in with the belief that the body as a separate item is responsible or 'DOING' the senses - 'I see', 'I hear', 'I feel' etc

We will begin with 'seeing' - Just that one sense on its own.

Close your eyes.
With eyes closed, you will now experience 'blackness'. There may be other things you can find going on, sure. If you are looking at a bright light, there may be a red glow. There may be sparkly bits or cloudy flecks appearing and disappearing - It really doesn't matter about the specifics.

Just to make things simple, whatever you can see with eyes closed, I'm going to refer to it as 'black' or 'blackness' just for simplicity.

1) With eyes closed, can you confirm that what is experienced is 'blackness' as I mentioned?
2) Is there anything else in 'seeing' other than 'blackness'?
3) Can what is witnessing the blackness be found?
4) Can a pair of eyes, an 'I' / 'me', a person be found that is witnessing the blackness? Or is there just 'blackness' to be found?
What do you find?

Can an INHERENT SEE-ER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the see-er, be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?



--------------


Hearing Exercise

Find somewhere quiet to sit. Rest for a moment and listen to the sounds in the room where you are, or sounds from outside. Whatever it is, I'll just refer to it as 'what can be heard'.

1) In 'hearing' can anything be found other than 'what can be heard'?
2) Can what is doing the hearing be found? Or is there only 'what can be heard'?
3) An 'I'? a 'body'? a 'person'? a brain? a pair of ears? Can these be found doing the hearing? Or is there just 'what can be heard'?
What do you find?

Can an INHERENT HEARER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the hearer, be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

--------

Hand on desk

Please close your eyes for this exercise, just notice any ‘mental’ images or thoughts that appear and put them aside.

Place a hand on a desk or table (flat surface) - Close your eyes.
Now 'go to' the feeling/sensation which we would normally refer to as 'hand on desk' and answer from what you can FIND.

1) How many things do you find? Are there two things (hand and desk) or is there one thing – sensation?
2) Can a ‘feeler’ be found in 'what is being felt'?
3) Do you notice 'one thing feeling another thing'? Or is there just 'a sensation'?
4) Do you find an 'I', a body, a hand 'feeling' . . . or is there just 'a sensation'?
What do you find?

Can an INHERENT FEELER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the feeler, be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

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Scales - Sensation-Thought Correlation

1. Imagine holding sensation in the right hand and thought in the left hand.
Does thought, on the one hand, and sensation, on the other, know about each other?
Is there a link between the two?

2. Imagine sensation and thought are resting on either side of a pair of scales. When sensation is looked at it gets heavier. When thought is looked at it gets heavier.
Is it possible to look at both thought and sensation at the same time to balance the scales?

[hball]

Hi Gunnar,
Thank you for your feedback and pointing. I particularly found your last comments very powerful-emphasising the unpredictability, unsatisfactoriness and impermanence of life. While I’ve known this, my recent investigation revealed the truth of this. That I really have no idea how my goals and expectations are going to turn out yet there is the illusion by thinking and planning I will have some control over what’s inherently uncontrollable. Not only do I not have control over what circumstances will occur, I don’t even know how I will respond. I have regular glimpses that there is no me doing or directing, and responses just happen.

As I mentioned, yesterday this caused a degree of anxiety, realising that my dreams of a happier future time are just an illusion and all that can be done is go with the flow. There is no me pulling the strings. I just went with the anxiety and understood it is part of the process and it seemed to go and was not present today.

I found your last statement that “there is nothing that will satisfy the mind” particularly pertinent. This, plus more and more the recognition that there is no identity present, and that thoughts are mostly delusions, have been helpful in turning away from, and not giving any inherent reality to thoughts. And more and more experiencing, and noticing, what’s real- sensations, feelings and thoughts. And that it’s all happening on its own. I observe that life is presenting what’s needed to see through the illusion and it’s happening in its own time without my need to have any thoughts of what should be happening.
I don’t spend much time thinking about going through a gate -as you point out, that’s just another thought, and all that’s real is the present moment.

So to give a report on the period since we have been chatting -there is more acceptance and equanimity of whatever is occurring. I’m more spontaneous and feel more connected to people, and less needing to present myself in a certain way. I feel there is nothing more valuable than engaging in this enquiry and the results are self-evident and do seem part of a continuing process. It is so clearly the most direct pathway to reality.

Your responses have always been on the mark and very useful. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.

[gmalen]

Harry,

Thank you for your feedback and pointing. I particularly found your last comments very powerful-emphasising the unpredictability, unsatisfactoriness and impermanence of life. While I’ve known this, my recent investigation revealed the truth of this. That I really have no idea how my goals and expectations are going to turn out yet there is the illusion by thinking and planning I will have some control over what’s inherently uncontrollable. Not only do I not have control over what circumstances will occur, I don’t even know how I will respond.

Yes, life happens on its own completely separate from any thoughts about it. It can be surprising when we start to notice that with even with our best laid thought plans, the body or life can just swing us into another course of action. I walk downstairs with a plan to eat raspberries, 'but oh, look at that avocado!' and I start making a veggie seaweed wrap...

I once read this philosophy book and it says we are 98% emotional beings, or we could say bodily beings. Thought and even our most lofty rationale is only to, on the back end, justify what our emotions or instinctive body have already decided. As we mentioned before, decisions are made up to 10 seconds before we become conscious of them in the mind via thought.

The physical body is always taking in information via the senses and is automatically assessing, responding, making decisions. This constant input and assessment, on an unconscious level, drives decisions, movements, etc. We're only conscious of what's happening.. when it's happening! Thought is only the after-math, the byproduct. Okay, enough conceptual thought here for now, keep looking and see if its true in your experience!

As I mentioned, yesterday this caused a degree of anxiety, realising that my dreams of a happier future time are just an illusion and all that can be done is go with the flow. There is no me pulling the strings. I just went with the anxiety and understood it is part of the process and it seemed to go and was not present today.

Try this on: "realising that my dreams of a happier future time are just an illusion and ALL THAT HAPPENS IS the flow." There's no one to go or not go with the flow. There's not a Harry on the bank of the river waiting to step in and join the flow. There's not a gate for Harry to step into. Every thought, intention, decision, moment of resistance or surrender, it's all the flow. At some point, we notice there was never any boundary between “liberated” and “not yet liberated”. The mind always looks for some non-existent boundary, and is expecting some special experience or bliss. But even that silly tendency is okay. Everything is the same, but everything is okay.

Glad your being was open to the anxiety. Those emotions are the doorway into deeper levels of truth and surrender. Welcome and feel them, let them have their space and time. Let them speak. See what's behind them.

I found your last statement that “there is nothing that will satisfy the mind” particularly pertinent. This, plus more and more the recognition that there is no identity present, and that thoughts are mostly delusions

Please give me an example of a thought that is not an illusion/delusion in terms of its content? Even if a thought is based on critical thinking and useful for conventional life, does that make it more 'real' or less of an illusion in regards to the content/images that it's using. Ex - an engineer drawing up the plans for a plant their building vs. a child imagining a unicorn - are both thought images equally unreal?

Relatedly, I've been pondering thoughts about things that are actually immediately present - are they less illusional than thoughts about things that are not present? Let's find out:

Back to the imaginary spoon exercise for a different angle here!

Grab a real spoon and sit down, place it to your side. Close your eyes and imagine that you are holding that spoon. Imagine the spoons form, its size, its weight, its temperature. Look and feel at the imaginary spoon for a while.

Now go and hold the real spoon and hold it in the same way that you imagined it.

Feel the spoon’s form, its size, its weight, its temperature.
Close your eyes for a moment longer and feel the spoon for a while.

How does it compare to the spoon you imagined? Because you were imagining something that was indeed real in that moment, did it make the imagined thought of it more real? An interesting exploration nonetheless, let me know what you think.

I don’t spend much time thinking about going through a gate -as you point out, that’s just another thought, and all that’s real is the present moment.

Yeah, good, okay :)

Beautiful, Harry!
Gunnar

[hball]

The physical body is always taking in information via the senses and is automatically assessing, responding, making decisions. This constant input and assessment, on an unconscious level, drives decisions, movements, etc. We're only conscious of what's happening.. when it's happening! Thought is only the after-math, the byproduct. Okay, enough conceptual thought here for now, keep looking and see if its true in your experience!

Yes, life happens on its own completely separate from any thoughts about it. It can be surprising when we start to notice that with even with our best laid thought plans, the body or life can just swing us into another course of action. I walk downstairs with a plan to eat raspberries, 'but oh, look at that avocado!' and I start making a veggie seaweed wrap...

The physical body is always taking in information via the senses and is automatically assessing, responding, making decisions. This constant input and assessment, on an unconscious level, drives decisions, movements, etc. We're only conscious of what's happening.. when it's happening! Thought is only the after-math, the byproduct. Okay, enough conceptual thought here for now, keep looking and see if its true in your experience!

Yes, today there were times spent looking for an identity and all I can find are memories, images and thoughts. I was also involved in discussions at work and it was clear to see that I had no idea what I was going to say ahead of time-words just fell out of the mouth in a dance with what the other person was saying.

Try this on: "realising that my dreams of a happier future time are just an illusion and ALL THAT HAPPENS IS the flow." There's no one to go or not go with the flow. There's not a Harry on the bank of the river waiting to step in and join the flow. There's not a gate for Harry to step into. Every thought, intention, decision, moment of resistance or surrender, it's all the flow. At some point, we notice there was never any boundary between “liberated” and “not yet liberated”. The mind always looks for some non-existent boundary, and is expecting some special experience or bliss. But even that silly tendency is okay. Everything is the same, but everything is okay.

Yer I can see there are times when subtly there is an I in the background enjoying presence. I can see that there is is the flow without an identity, and everything is present in that flow.

Please give me an example of a thought that is not an illusion/delusion in terms of its content? Even if a thought is based on critical thinking and useful for conventional life, does that make it more 'real' or less of an illusion in regards to the content/images that it's using. Ex - an engineer drawing up the plans for a plant their building vs. a child imagining a unicorn - are both thought images equally unreal?

That’s a great point Gunnar. I have had it that there are thoughts that are more real and worth engaging in. I can see that all thoughts are not real, and are just representative of reality. This is an important distinction, even if some thoughts can have utility in for example planning. I do like the saying that “Man plans and God laughs”

How does it compare to the spoon you imagined? Because you were imagining something that was indeed real in that moment, did it make the imagined thought of it more real? An interesting exploration nonetheless, let me know what you think.

There was a world of difference in touching the real spoon. The imagined spoon was a vague image without all the qualities of touch and sensation that are directly experienced. The real spoon was vivid and present and able to be explored in a way that an imaginary spoon can’t.
It’s like the difference between reading the menu and having the meal.
Thank you, Gunner, for these directions. It continues to make a difference in my experience of life.

[gmalen]

Harry,

I'm delighted by your writing. I don't have any clear inspiration to respond/expand on any point.

When the “I” has been seen through, fully and completely, what's left?

Perhaps you'd like to spend a bit more time outdoors and/or in meditation if your schedule allows the next few days or over the weekend. Give this looking some more space to breathe. Don't take this on as an agenda to push through and get something out of it. This whole process does best when relaxed and effortless. Walk/sit with the truth, a gentle looking into the way things are, knowing the mind will wander / hop around, and returning with a smile to the magic of life life-ing.

Gunnar :)

[gmalen]

An invitation, Harry

The moments of awareness and 'seeing' can be welcomed just as much as moments of identification and resistance. Only the thought world wants to distinguish the two and label one good and one bad. It's a smooth, effortless dance of expansion and contraction, ebb and flow. It's all perfect. No one to control it, change it, or manage it. Notice the 'manager' thoughts that try to.

How does this look in daily life - don't give one hoot/care at all to whether the mind is being a good mindfulness student or lost in a thought story. Don't care. Don't blink. Don't do anything about it. Don't bring the mind back to mindfulness. Watch the ebb and flow dance all on its own.

G

[hball]

An invitation, Harry

The moments of awareness and 'seeing' can be welcomed just as much as moments of identification and resistance. Only the thought world wants to distinguish the two and label one good and one bad. It's a smooth, effortless dance of expansion and contraction, ebb and flow. It's all perfect. No one to control it, change it, or manage it. Notice the 'manager' thoughts that try to.

How does this look in daily life - don't give one hoot/care at all to whether the mind is being a good mindfulness student or lost in a thought story. Don't care. Don't blink. Don't do anything about it. Don't bring the mind back to mindfulness. Watch the ebb and flow dance all on its own.

Gunnar, I really appreciate your instruction. It does feel like I have this acceptance of the back and forth of identification and then the recognition of no self. While i used to feel somewhat frustrated in predominant mind activity, more and more, through our discussions, I accept the flow and that it’s happening on its own due to some mysterious process in its own time.

I am going through a particularly busy time with a lot of excitement and activation of the mind.
I have had a 3 day visit by a company from China, very keen to take the technology and know-how we have developed here in Australia and replicate it in China. Today was the first day of a 3-day dental convention in Melbourne, with us being an exhibitor. I spoke with many people all day, virtually nonstop. I had a negotiation on this holiday property and it looks like I’ve bought it. Next Tuesday I’m going on an 8 day cruise around the south pacific and I’m quite excited about that.

So as you can imagine a lot is happening, and although all these things can be described as positive happenings, this morning I woke up at 5.30 am unable to get back to sleep because of all the associated thoughts. I know this is not particularly conducive to deepening the enquiry, and a far cry from your suggestion of time in nature but I do accept it’s a period I’m going through and I am committed to more balance. I still have 2 days left at the Convention, and while there are some moments of non-doing, no self awareness, hopefully, I can continue with this tomorrow. While I speak like this at one level I’m aware it will unfold as it will and that will be ok.

Best wishes
Harry

[gmalen]

So good Harry,

So as you can imagine a lot is happening, and although all these things can be described as positive happenings, this morning I woke up at 5.30 am unable to get back to sleep because of all the associated thoughts. I know this is not particularly conducive to deepening the enquiry, and a far cry from your suggestion of time in nature but I do accept it’s a period I’m going through and I am committed to more balance.

Yes, not the time for more walks and sittings! Time for life. Time for business. For adventure and excitement. On a macro-scale, this is that ebb and flow. It's all conducive to inquiry in its own frame. Things will balance out as time unfolds. They always do. Without a 'you' needing to manage it.

Be totally alive for the ride. Embrace the 5:30 thought storms, bring the thoughts close, don't push them away. Notice what you're trying to control throughout your days, usually there's a fear just behind that. A fear of losing control, being hopeless, being a failure.

While I speak like this at one level I’m aware it will unfold as it will and that will be ok.

TRUST. I feel it in your being. I write these things only to encourage the seeds that I already see sprouting over there. Oh the joy when it is seen that this process is completely out of your hands... humbling... exciting... There's no Harry to do this, never was. The dance ensues.

Blessings - wishing your life events a smooth blossom,
G

[hball]

Yes, not the time for more walks and sittings! Time for life. Time for business. For adventure and excitement. On a macro-scale, this is that ebb and flow. It's all conducive to inquiry in its own frame. Things will balance out as time unfolds. They always do. Without a 'you' needing to manage it.

Be totally alive for the ride. Embrace the 5:30 thought storms, bring the thoughts close, don't push them away. Notice what you're trying to control throughout your days, usually there's a fear just behind that. A fear of losing control, being hopeless, being a failure.

Thank you Gunnar. Your feedback is so congruent with your message in accepting that all that is happening for me is occuring as it should. No admonishment or suggestion that I should be doing anything different. And this is what I am looking at - when I search- all is unfolding without an identity or doership to be found. Thoughts and identity will come back again, and its just the flow of life.
I was at the convention today speaking with hundreds of dentists and received a lot of acknowledgment from people I have trained. It was really satisfying and I could see how much my ego really liked all this. I immediately saw that all that I have done had nothing to do with my efforts-it was all luck and being in the right place at the right time etc etc. Yet the mind wants to make a story out of what I have achieved, take credit for it, and when investigated is so obviously distorted and false. More and more there is the recognition of the unreality of thoughts and going towards the here and now of what’s real.

TRUST. I feel it in your being. I write these things only to encourage the seeds that I already see sprouting over there. Oh the joy when it is seen that this process is completely out of your hands... humbling... exciting... There's no Harry to do this, never was. The dance ensues.
Blessings - wishing your life events a smooth blossom,

I love your beautiful words - it really does speak to my experience and is so validating.
A big thank you