Suffering in the world

[Stina]

Hi Marcus, I am thinking the whole day about Stina character.

I want you to now look at the character. Stinka in a storyline.

Couple of thoughts here. I don't think you want me to write the whole storyline. It would be a long one.
I chose to be the "Good One" (I am not sure, why am I writing it this way). Always helping, responsible, friendly, nice, taking care of others, always trying to choose the "right way", to be a good daughter, good student, good colleague, good mother, good wife.

When I look at Stina, I see her, her body as a toddler, child, teenager, young woman, young mother, middle aged woman. Another time I see the world through her eyes. It always strikes me, these two ways of looking.

The character of Stina child is strong, curious, courageous. But she was neglected in a way. She was longing for more attention from her parents and family, for gentle words, quality time, for love, hug. Everybody was so busy, she was invisible. After her two younger sisters came, she had to be responsible, take care of siblings, help in the household. She felt that adults are sometimes very mean. Stina felt, that nothing is impossible. She was not scared, would compete with boys. She was a good student.

Stina teenager started to compare herself with others, especially with other girls. The sense of not being good enough somehow appeared, even though she was the best student, the “stupid girls” were so happy. University time was fun, away from strict parents, but she was living in a strong moral cage. Right wrong cage. Stina was courageous enough to study in a foreign country. It brought many fears and feelings of no adequacy, later the fear from the future, not having security in life.

Stina, as a young mother was living in the US. She was very happy there, accepted, valued, but other fears appeared, fear about being too far from her parents, fear from what might happen and she started to experience guilt about working and leaving two small children at the daycare center.

Stina, mother of three was living in Germany. Her whole world was destroyed, she lost her job, friends, she felt a lot of resistance, not wanting to be there. Stina started to question everything. Especially after the problems with her youngest son started. She was blaming herself for his problems with concentration and attention in the school.

Stina, mother of three teenagers is courageous enough to move with her family to a new country and start fresh, learn a new language, meet new people. That’s where is Stina now. It grought her to LU. Which is amazing.

And do you know, what am I feeling now? Don’t take me my story. Because I sense, what do you tell me, Marcus. The story are only memories and thoughts and pictures on the mind screen. The story does not exist. Is that right? I must sit with it. It is not easy.
Have a nice weekend! Stina

[Marcus1144]

Stina,

Thanks for your posts.

I’ll respond in the morning.

Marcus

[Marcus1144]

I am not sure I understand what you mean.
Do you want me to describe my character, the storyline I remember?
Or do you want me to describe, how do I perceive Stina right now?

I was keen to leave it open to see how you tackled the question.

Your sharing feels like an exposure of the story.

Reading your response, I’m drawn back to one of your opening statements.

I build a wall immediately, because I don't want this nice person to see me so vulnerable. I always want show my strength and look smart and be good and correct.

And I want to ask you.

Is the wall protecting a story?

What are you without a story?

Can you see how transparency of being emerges when the story is ‘seen’ for what it is?

Can a story lose it’s solidity, surety, permanency?

My experience is that stories are very hypnotic, subtle and convincing in shaping the nature of our suffering.

I see a crack and light is coming through.

I want us to spend some time here.

Basking in the light of being.

No need to focus too much on the ramifications of philosophy, no-self, separate self, infinite self, finite self, yada yada.

For now we simply ‘look’.

Like a scientist.

Childlike curiosity.

Not too serious ha.

Thanks

Marcus

[Stina]

Hi Marcus, thank you very much for your reply.

I feel like I am a hopeless case.

Is the wall protecting a story?

The wall is protecting "Me". When I investigate it, when I go deeper, there is fear, fear from feeling hurt, fear from feeling like "I am Nobody"; "I do not matter". When I go even deeper and look, what is behind the fear, I cannot find anything. I only see small scary girl on my mind screen. She sits, she is crouched and hugs her knees. Almost in a fetal position.

What are you without a story?

Nobody. And it is so freeing. I am experiencing. I feel like a tourist experiencing new country, like a child experiencing everything for the first time.

Can you see how transparency of being emerges when the story is ‘seen’ for what it is?

I see that memories are subjective. Words and pictures, that can never describe what really happened in the past. Ilonka is using the example of the movie character like Batman, to recognize it, that the character is not me. But still, the story feels like my identity. Without a story, I belong nowhere. Story is connection to my family. I fear losing this connection. It is important to me. There is a difference in watching the character and feeling like the character.

It is already very late. I will try to look at it tomorrow. Thank you. Stina

[Stina]

Good morning Marcus. My children have one week vacation. It felt so good in the morning to stay in bed a little longer. I have been thinking about my husband. I saw him on my mind screen, his body, his face. But then, I touched his sleeping body with closed eyes, I could feel his beating heart, his skin, his hair. In that moment, I understood. My story about him is never him. Only experiencing him in the moment is real. It is probably the same with me, my story. I am only now and now and now, and the story is never me, can not be me. Wen I disentangle from it, it is very freeing. I feel lightness. I guess, you do not question whether my story really happened, or not. You just want me to understand, that protecting it costs me energy, because it is only thoughts, even though they feel real, like Ilonka’s example with holding the watermelon. Thank you, Marcus, for this realization. Hearing about it from other people is not the same as experiencing it. I like to listen to audio files from Ilonka’s blog, LU meetings. They are amazing. But still, listening to other people’s realization is not the same like experiencing it. Have a nice day. Stina

[Marcus1144]

Fantastic!

I'll drop a response later on today.

Thank you!!!

[Marcus1144]

Stina,

Very nice.

I’m really glad you’re having the realisations for yourself.

The way you describe your openings it sounds like a falling away is happening.

So beautiful.

Do you know what would happen if you simply let it all fall away?

And do you feel as though you can ‘see’ now? i.e. Do you know what’s real? Can you live simply as you are, renewed in each moment?

If not, what is stopping you from ‘seeing’?

Without a story, I belong nowhere.

Is this true?

Would Freedom utter such a statement?

Please try to answer from looking yourself.

Thanks again

Marcus

[Stina]

Hallo Marcus, thank you for your words. I feel the joy in your words.

Do you know what would happen if you simply let it all fall away?

No, I have heard other people talk about it. I don't think the walls fell away. They are shaking, crashing, they still stand. But I already feel lighter, laugh more, don't fight with my husband. When I laugh, it is so deep, the joy comes from the belly. Almost for no reason. I notice more. I feel like an organism in this see of liveliness. I notice more synchronicities.

Do you know what’s real? Can you live simply as you are, renewed in each moment?

I feel what you mean. I can remember. It is very freeing.

Without a story, I belong nowhere.
Is this true?

No, it is not true, because every moment is fresh, I don't really need the story. I see it now. We moved to a new country. I start from zero. New language (by the way, it is fascinating to learn a new language and see the labelling), new house, new school, new people, new rules, new concepts. What was so important in Germany is not so important here. I feel even better without the story. I was scared, because some people said, they can't remember, after they understood, that there is not Self. Still ,it is only a thought, idea.

Marcus, I will sit with it today and write you again, in the evening.

Thank you.
P.S. You are not Ilonka’s husband Marcus. Are you? Sorry, I am too curious.

[Marcus1144]

Stina,

As you've mentioned you'll write again, I'lll await your post.

I'm not Ilona's husband no, ha.

Enjoying the unfolding.

Thanks

Marcus

[Stina]

Hi Marcus, sorry. I know, I am late. It was an exhausting day for me. I apologize.

I was listening to one audio file from the LU podcast and at one meeting, Marcus was present, Ilonka's husband. It was just an idea, that it might be you. It would be nice to connect your writing with a voice.

Do you know what would happen if you simply let it all fall away?

Actually, I don't know, Marcus. How is it for you?

I sense a shift, something I can not really describe. I feel different. I feel spacious. It is probably a funny description, I feel like I have a cloack behind me.

I am "noticing" the whole day. What I experience is, that it is quiter in my head, not so many thoughts, there are some moments of stillnes, without thoughts. When I walk, even a long walk feels short, like I am in a bubble moving through the time and space. I was noticing bird sounds today. They sing differently, spring like. I enjoyed it a lot. The sound is out there and also in me. But I don't feel like I am the sound. I was dissecting the visual experience today. What I see, is ist out there or in me, or both? Is the world where my head is? Suddenly, I had a strange chest pain, I did not experience it for the first time. My heart is healthy. It usually happens when I am outside and experiencing.

I was so tired in the evening, I had to rest for a while. I fell asleep and could hear the breath of my sleeping body. Funny experience. How is it even possible? It happens to me often.

Good night Marcus.

Thank you for your patience.
Stina

[Stina]

Good morning, Marcus. There were moments today, while listening to birds chirping, that I felt, I am the sound. I closed my eyes and really concentrated on the auditory experience. It really felt like I am the sound. Just hearing, no other experience, just hearing.

I go through all kinds of whirl during my day. I feel so stupid, it is almost embarrassing. What do you want girl? What are you doing? This whole liberation. Are you making something up? Are you searching for something to make your guide happy?

And then I go back there, no woman, no gender, no role, no experiencer, no thinker, just presence. It feels so good.

As a student, I had a difficult exam to pass. I went to the university library in Bratislava. It was absolutely quiet there. I could concentrate; actually, I seldom experience this sharp focus on something. I just looked at the written text and without much effort, I could understand complicated thought chains. The presence I felt as a student was magical. I forgot everything about me, it was just the material to understand. This state...this presence is similar to what I experience now after I talk to you, when I ask questions.

Have a nice day.
Stina

[Stina]

Good morning, Marcus. I don't give you space to react; I apologize. I will not be able to write later, that's why I am writing now.

I am back from my daily walk with our dog. I tried to dissect the seeing again. It feels like a wire is under my scull and the wire is moving. I literally feel something moving there.

I realized, there is something standing in my way, my belief, how it should be. I saw one video, Angelo DiLullo was interviewing Tomas Peeters, artist, who constructs special observatories. I quote

At the center of my Observatories are empty mirrors collapsing your sense of being located within a head. These oscillating sculptures turn around the arrow of your attention from the world of objects you are looking at, to the empty space you are seeing from. As the Observatories collapse all space, that which is seeing suddenly becomes visible as an absence that has no boundaries.

I compare my experience with this statement, I am not there yet I guess.
I know, it is only a thought.

Yesterday a thought was following me, that I am wasting your time, Marcus. I was angry at myself. Or there was anger in me.

I come again and again to the realization, there really is no Me.

There are some funny situations, I am sitting at the local bank talking to the nice lady applying for my credit card and I think..”There is no me.” In nature, it is easy. In the world we constructed it is more difficult. ID, drivers license, cards, date of birth, insurance. I close my eyes for a moment, when she is not looking. There really is not Me.

Have a nice day.

[Stina]

Hi Marcus, one more quotation from Tomas Peeters...

As the Observatories collapse all distance, you are no longer looking into the world—all of the world is looking out of you. There is seeing, but no one looking!

This looking is a challenge for me.

As I was walking today, it looked like the trees are coming towards me. Funny.

Stina

[Marcus1144]

Stina,

Lots here.

Thanks for the day reports.

Sounds very much like you’re experiencing some nice side effects from taking the red pill, hehe.

I sense an enthusiasm and excitement in your approach.

Rest assured, you’re not wasting my time.

I’m labelled a guide here, but I come at this with fresh eyes every time.

Our value is equal and each our contribution as valuable as the other.

This realisation is truly a paradigm shift in that regard.


As I look for questions to prompt your enquiry, I feel a stillness and a rest.

My curiosity is drawn there. Maybe a cool shower for the fire of seeking.

You say that you have seen that there is no separate self.

Can you play with being content with this realisation for now?

And just stay here for a bit.

Look and see. And simply dwell. Marinade. Keep the recipe simple.

Your heart beating as you say. Breathe breathing. Life living.

Who seeks?

It’s not a practice per se, more of a suggestion.

Our job here is simply to see through the illusion of the separate self.

Not as an intellectual/philosophical statement of truth or even a rebuttal of some other truth.

No an ideology or something to claim.

Simply to see? ….. then rest.

What is seen cannot be spoken by my words.

So what happens if you just rest there?

Hopefully my words convey what I am attempting to convey.

Deeper/further enquiries can continue after the gate.

Thanks

Marcus

[Stina]

Thank you Marcus. Your words are really helpful. Do I get a homework?
Stina