Only conceptually passed the gate - Need help through it for real

[vinceschubert]

i'm on the road at the moment, so might be a little inconstant with my replies. Will attempt to get to this tomorrow.

v

[BeingAware]

Hi Vince!

No problem at all. I hope you're having a wonderful trip!

I watched the interview Angelo had with Nargis last night and had sort of an insight when "refocusing".
What they talked about made me look in another place and it feels like I've discovered the body.
Sounds stupid probably, but it's like I've lived solely in and around my head and now I've zoomed out a little and there's a body here!
I've forgotten about it completely.
And it's weird but it feels like when I relax and encompass the soft focus to include the body everything relaxes even more and more easily.

With love
T

[vinceschubert]

Good evening T,

it feels like when I relax and encompass the soft focus to include the body everything relaxes even more and more easily.

Discovery is great isn't it?
I'm happy for you to coast along in discovery mode. Report shifts & quandaries.

with love

vince

[BeingAware]

Feels like one step forwards two steps back.
A lot of feelings and thoughts around frustration these past days. I "should DO more practices, more often, more intensely!"
Together with judgemental thoughts, "I'm getting fat", "my body is aching everywhere I should move more, do some exercising. I'm lazy".

In short, a LOT of negative thoughts just suddenly rolled in. 😞

[BeingAware]

Wait a minute...
I'm here when there's no thoughts here.
Have I known this? This feels like a new insight, and yet not a new insight. Like, obvious, and yet not...

I'm gonna need a minute...

[BeingAware]

Ok, so I have "discovered something by accident" today so to speak. I guess I was open to it when that line was spoken and it clicked.
There's a me here between thoughts, in the gap of thought.
I can "see" that as soon as thought quiets there is just this. This now.
Like right now people in my office are preparing to leave work and go home and when I let go of attention on thought there's just all these sensations happening, sound, colors, smells, kinetic sensations, and they are all just appearing in this space that's always here.
This space that feels like me. Not the "T" me (the illusion of self). But I just know that it's me. There's a knowing that thought is absent and yet I am.

[vinceschubert]

Good morning T,

Ok, so I have "discovered something by accident" today so to speak. I guess I was open to it when that line was spoken and it clicked.

..and this will continue while ever the body is alive.

There's a me here between thoughts, in the gap of thought.

This needs examining. What do you mean by "me"?
How is this "me" different to the "me" that all of the stories about T point to?

there's just all these sensations happening, sound, colors, smells, kinetic sensations,

It's language that makes these objective, but are they?
Is it possible that the "me" you refer to is them (as they happen)? and they are not something separate that appears to or in "me"?
Wow! you are going brilliantly...

with love

vince

[BeingAware]

Good evening Vince,

It seems the seeker has logged out so to speak. Or as my British friend would say: "I couldn't be arsed anymore".
Just became so very tired of hunting "a better practice" or "a quicker way to awaken" or see yet another video with tips and tricks for awakenings or explanations for this and that.
Now there's just ordinary life happening.
No Adyashanti reading his books in my ears, just some nice music.
Regular work, spending time with the family. All with this curious looking. Wide angle view, alert and yet relaxed.
Still curious about why there seems to be this sense of self still hanging around acting like it's running the show. But it'll sort itself out eventually I guess.

With love
T

[vinceschubert]

'evening T,

Still curious about why there seems to be this sense of self still hanging around acting like it's running the show. But it'll sort itself out eventually I guess.

Yes, it will. "Curious" in a seeking way? ..or happily waiting for discovery to happen?

love

vince

[BeingAware]

Hello Vince!

Yes, it will. "Curious" in a seeking way? ..or happily waiting for discovery to happen?

Felt into this and it's leaning more towards happily waiting for discovery. :)

Just a little confused by what is happening now.
Since last Sunday I've just stopped. Stopped everything related to the awakening seeking. Stopped watching youtube videos. Stopped reading. Stopped trying to find "new and more effective practices/methods" etc.

I thought at first maybe I was just generally tired, but no. It's more like I'm tired of the searching, of the constant feelings of need and frustration.
Now the days are just the ordinary stuff, just without the seeking and searching.

Someone asked me if I feel different.
On reflex I'd say no, I feel completely boringly normal 😄
But, compared to say four months ago or so I feel more aware by default. For example in meetings at work, instead of being completely submerged in that whole play and being INSIDE it, instead I'm always automatically sort of viewing it like a panorama now. Almost like playing it from a third person view.
I'm aware of myself participating in a meeting and observing it all.
Other times, quiet moments always go to the question "what is here right now" and then just taking in all the immediate senses and sort of letting thoughts pass through or quiet down.

Before sunday I'd say these things were stuff I did "to do the awakening" so to speak. But now that I'm just tired of the whole seeking thing and letting it rest I see it just happens by reflex, or maybe curiosity, I don't know 😊

[vinceschubert]

Hi T,

Since last Sunday I've just stopped. Stopped everything related to the awakening seeking. Stopped watching youtube videos. Stopped reading. Stopped trying to find "new and more effective practices/methods" etc.

You say that you've done stopping. Did you? ..or do they just not happen any more?

It's more like I'm tired of the searching,

Does this point to the searching or to you?

Other times, quiet moments always go to the question "what is here right now" and then just taking in all the immediate senses and sort of letting thoughts pass through or quiet down.

Is there any effort involved in this, or is it just happening? (Hmm, it sounds very good)

I don't know 😊

Exactly. ..and how do you feel about not knowing?

with love

vince

[BeingAware]

Good morning dear Vince!

You say that you've done stopping. Did you? ..or do they just not happen any more?

:)
They just don't happen anymore

It's more like I'm tired of the searching,

Does this point to the searching or to you?

It feels like "the searching me" is tired of searching, for itself as it were. So "me" is just tired out.

Other times, quiet moments always go to the question "what is here right now" and then just taking in all the immediate senses and sort of letting thoughts pass through or quiet down.

Is there any effort involved in this, or is it just happening? (Hmm, it sounds very good)

It is effortless in that it's just barely a thought and then I just relax into the "what's here".

Exactly. ..and how do you feel about not knowing?

Not knowing is ok, I welcome not knowing.

So this was just happening all last week, just letting go, relaxing, until saturday when I happened upon a YouTube video from a person I've watched a while ago. This was also related to awakening but somehow I didn't just ignore this one like I've done all others this week. No this one felt different.
He went through Self-inquiry practice in a way that felt different. It felt right. Two ways which both converge into the same thing. I started this practice and have done it now every day since. Continually throughout the days.
It feels like I'm more relentlessly looking for "me" now, continuously, but it doesn't feel like effort strangely... It just feels right.

I can sense thoughts lessening, more and more. This morning for example has been very quiet in comparison to many others.
There's a lightness, also slowly gradually expanding, in the body and headspace.

Mind says this reflects badly on me just jumping here and there, one week tired of seeking, the next practicing something.
I'm ignoring it.
I still feel tired of seeking. I don't feel like I'm seeking now. It feels like I'm where I'm supposed to be, if that makes any sense.

Much love

T

[vinceschubert]

It feels like I'm where I'm supposed to be, if that makes any sense.

Yes, it makes good sense. Trust your intuition. Trust that whatever life puts in front of you, that it's adaptive to give it your attention.

Mind says this reflects badly on me just jumping here and there, one week tired of seeking, the next practicing something.
I'm ignoring it.

Good. Trust that thoughts are untrustworthy (mostly)
I like what seems to be happening with you. Relax and roll with it.

Much love

T

Thank you for that. i feel it (tangibly)

love for you too..

vince

[BeingAware]

Good morning Vince!

Just a quick update from me.
Still relentlessly (but effortlessly) looking to see if there's a self when a feeling of "me" appears. Spoiler alert: there never is 😄
Quiet and still moments I sit a little in the silence, the emptiness. Deepen that surrendering into the emptiness while carrying the thoughtless question "is this who I am".

So far there's a lot more laughing AT thoughts (man they're silly!) slightly lighter feeling overall and the practices spontaneously brings a smile.

Wishing you a great day!
Much love,
T

[vinceschubert]

Ah T, i love it. Keep laughing and enjoy.

great love

vince