What the heck am I

[AwayKen127]

I find it hard to answer these two questions. Just the pure experience, it doesn't feel like anything. In that moment there is nothing to really reference what it "feels like". If I had to use concepts, I would again say freedom, but in the moment it doesn't seem to feel like anything because nothing is being referenced. I don't know if that makes sense.

That makes perfect sense. Any other answer would be a concept.

[RoloTomassi]

I am going to try my best to be on the zoom meeting again this Sunday. It was a very positive experience for me last time. Today was such a peaceful day. I felt very little tension which is rare these days. Very light and just enjoyed the day. Didn't feel like I was chasing or waiting for anything to happen. It was like the first "regular" day that I have had in probably months, if not years. I even spoke to a friend on the phone that I haven't spoken with in quite some time. She even mentioned how different, relaxed and happy I sounded. She was asking me for advice on how to de-stress. LOL

[AwayKen127]

I'm so happy to hear about your first regular day in a long while, Mark. I laughed when I read about your friend asking for advice on how to de-stress. Because that really works, right? 😉

[RoloTomassi]

Yeah I just feel each day I have less and less "doing". Meaning the urge to make things better or different is just dropping. I played soccer with my daughter and her cousins yesterday, which I haven't done in ages. I even played a video game that I haven't played in many years. All these regular everyday life activities had been put on hold because there was always something "more important" to do, look for, or find. I am starting to see, that even if there was some "ultimate state" to reach, I still would have just returned to these normal ways of being and living. I guess the difference is just the perspective. I don't know. I kind of feel like I should be doing something right now, but I no longer really know what to do. I used to watch hours and hours and hours of non duality, spirituality, and self improvement videos everyday. That's what had been done for the past few years. Now, in just a matter of weeks, I watch less and less. Last few days I didn't watch anything. That urge is finally just coming to an end maybe. And then amazingly, I see that the past few days have been almost, if not completely, anxiety free. So now it becomes so clear that the anxiety is 100% tied to the seeking itself. Seeking = Anxiety. Wow. No joke, I am talking about a 90%+ reduction in daily anxiety or more, basically over night.

[AwayKen127]

Meaning the urge to make things better or different is just dropping.

This is a very good sign. Can this moment be better than it is? Or is that just a thought? [/quote]

I played soccer with my daughter and her cousins yesterday, which I haven't done in ages. I even played a video game that I haven't played in many years. All these regular everyday life activities had been put on hold because there was always something "more important" to do, look for, or find.

"Chop wood, carry water."

I am starting to see, that even if there was some "ultimate state" to reach, I still would have just returned to these normal ways of being and living.

This "ultimate state" is these normal ways of being and living, plus the thought, "I have reached the ultimate state". I know you know that this thought doesn't make any sense.

Last few days I didn't watch anything.

Why would you need more pointing to what's right in front of your eyes? Direct experience is where you can look for all the (non-conceptual) answers. Where else is there to look?

Seeking = Anxiety. Wow. No joke, I am talking about a 90%+ reduction in daily anxiety or more, basically over night.

Lovely!

Hope to see you in half an hour!

[RoloTomassi]

Great to see you again Jeff!

Can this moment be better than it is? Or is that just a thought?

This moment can only ever be exactly what it is. To be better or worse would just be another opinion or viewpoint. In other words, yes it would just be more thoughts.

[AwayKen127]

Great to see you again Jeff!

It was great to see you, Mark! You were the life of the meeting. I recognize your generosity in sharing this amazing moment in your life with us all. The guides (I, in particular) need guidance in how to guide, and you help to provide that by showing us how you wake up. But the human dimension is what is most precious.

[RoloTomassi]

Thank you Jeff, WOW, I don't know what to say. That means a lot. I think I just have never had an outlet for this until now, so a lot seems to be coming out. I can finally communicate with others who understand what this is like. I will be honest, when I hear people saying "you are waking up!" there is some doubt. It's like a fear that I will convince myself that I have "passed through the gate" when I haven't. But honestly at this point, it's not really a concern. I got here somehow, so things will continue, I don't think there is any turning back now. My instinct now is to just let each day come and show me whatever needs to be done or looked at that day. "Take therefore no thought for tomorrow" as the bible says. I am sort of done with planning or trying to dictate how things will or should go. It's just been recognized to be so exhausting living that way. As I get more little tastes of just quiet, regular life, the less I want to return to the old paradigm. Looking back, I think all that was sought through the complex thinking and conceptualizing, was actually simplicity. Now it is seen that making things more and more complex and abstract, is really the exact opposite of what is truly desired. At least in my case.

[AwayKen127]

Now it is seen that making things more and more complex and abstract, is really the exact opposite of what is truly desired. At least in my case.

I get a sense from our meetings that everyone struggles with trying to understand. I still ponder, trying to reach a perfect understanding, even while knowing with great clarity that understanding anything is impossible. So, in this respect as well, you are reminding us that it's not about understanding. (It's also not about states of experiencing.) I would say now that it's about freedom and peace. Your word, "simplicity", is also great.

[RoloTomassi]

I would say now that it's about freedom and peace.

I agree completely. I guess we spend so much of our lives trying to understand and figure things out, that we lose touch with the very things we are trying to comprehend. Sort of like we leave "living" behind to focus on comprehending. Then in some strange way, we can actually become afraid of life itself. At least that's what seems to have happened here.

Something else I have noticed looking back at this journey is an increased ability to understand where people are coming from, even if from totally different life circumstances. Just people I know or run into in daily life. Their behaviors, good, bad or otherwise, are seen as inevitable based on their life circumstances, history, family, programming, etc. This of course leads to less judgement. The other funny thing about it is that even though there is a sense that I could probably "help" them in some way by talking with them, the desire to do so is not present. I just let them be who they are. This is in contrast to the past, when I was very judgmental, I always felt like I needed to "help" other people with advice LOL. It's like I no longer see people as "needing" help even though I probably could help in some way. Strange. There is literally no longer any desire to try to change people, even if it would make my life easier. It is now seen how much energy was spent in vain trying to make others be a certain way. It was never needed.

Along with that, especially at work, I have more individuals that do come to me asking for personal guidance or advice even though I don't try to give any intentionally. It's crazy how perspectives can change so quickly and also how others seem to react differently to you even though you have never said or tried to do anything differently.

[AwayKen127]

Sort of like we leave "living" behind to focus on comprehending. Then in some strange way, we can actually become afraid of life itself.

Separating life into "self" and "other" is a necessary condition for fear. No separation, no fear. Is separation real? If not, what creates the apparent separation?

There is literally no longer any desire to try to change people, even if it would make my life easier. It is now seen how much energy was spent in vain trying to make others be a certain way. It was never needed.

Now authentic relating is available.

[RoloTomassi]

Is separation real? If not, what creates the apparent separation?

The honest answer for me right now of course is that intellectually it is understood that separation is not "real", but only apparent. Still only a concept with the exception of a few "revealing" moments here and there. What is so revealing though, is that in those moments, the mind is found to be very quiet. So it's now quite obvious that without the mind activity, the separation subsides. More activity, more separation. What has been becoming a bit clearer lately, is that it isn't just the mind activity, it's the investment in the mind activity. In other words it seems that separation can drop even with mental activity going on, it just can't be identified with. I have random moments where that seems apparent as well.

I will say something striking came to me today. I was a bit stressed out today. I hurt my back somehow in the past couple weeks so have been in some pain, mostly at night while sleeping. This has cause sleep to be disturbed. Along with that, I am going through a pretty intensive hiring process for a new job while at the same time having to quickly get our house ready for sale to move for this new job. On top of doing all of that I have been watching my son. All of this kind of came to a head this morning and I could literally see the mind scrambling to come up with solution after solution. Trying to protect, fix, prevent, manage, organize etc... It was so clear that it is helpless and powerless. I understood pretty clearly in that moment that there is only one final obstacle, and that is total and complete surrender. Not 99.9% surrender, but 100%. It was understood that I have surrendered a lot, but all of that is only conditional until literally everything is surrendered. NOTHING can be excluded, that would be duality.

At that moment I was laying on the couch resting my back and my son was going crazy and climbing on a stool that always worries me that he will fall and hit his head. I saw the mind again trying to figure out what to do, should I get up, should I stay still, blah blah blah. At that moment, I just said "God, I can't do it anymore. I see now that I have to let go of my son, his safety, my back, my family's wellbeing, my job, my income, my home, my "future", my reputation, my past, my desires, my wants, my wishes, my aversions, my beliefs, all of it. I have to let it ALL go." I also saw that this moment has come many times, and will continue to come until the final "choice" is made to just let it all go. Whatever happens, happens. I see now that even if the seeking energy burns out and leads to exhaustion, still, there will have to be a total relinquishment of all beliefs, and really, of life itself.

Is this true? or this just another illusion? Intuition tells me that the conditions are ripe and somehow it's now just a simple "choice" that needs to be made. A choice to let go of it all. A choice to be free once and for all.

[AwayKen127]

What are you waiting for?

[RoloTomassi]

What are you waiting for?

I guess that is the ultimate question isn't it. There really is nothing to wait for or any reason to wait.

[AwayKen127]

I guess that is the ultimate question isn't it. There really is nothing to wait for or any reason to wait.

Are there any stories justifying waiting?