I went through the 1st step of 7-Steps, now there's unexpected anger...

[Anastacia42]

Good! It sounds like you're practicing well.

Keep reporting what is SEEN, what is true (expansive FEELING).

Loving,

[alexmed]

Yesterday I didn't report - apologies for breaking the agreement.

Was surprisingly deeply upset because of my colleague, with whom we work very close as a team-of-2 for almost a year. Seems I've got a certain attachment to him, and since we didn't see for 2 months (he worked remotely), we agreed to go somewhere on Fri; but then he pretended he's busy and can't go. Don't want to go into details, but that was clear - he just had some other plans, and that's fine. But to my surprise, this his "business" made me really upset, although usually I wouldn't pay any attention - colleagues are just colleagues. But here it was an infantile frustration, which ruined all the focus.

I couldn't accept just "what is".

Yesterday evening and today all day long I tried to sort out, listened to this feeling, how to help it, what can I do, but I couldn't make it go away, and it prevented me from practicing and seeing. Tried to practice, but was distracted by the myriads of other thoughts. It was like a big dark cloud, which surrounded the entire body and mind with unpleasant feelings and irritation - irritation because, well, I was "helpless".

Today during the evening walk (so far it's the most fruitful time for me) I managed to figure out: I simply started to "search for freedom" again with "myself". The thought process was saying like: 'you have irritation and sadness, and that means you've got a problem, you can't find an "exit". So find it!'

And the actual solution - I remembered from the LU book and noticed later that this very "hectic search of freedom" all the day is just a new form of "me", and eventually I found that feeling and a thought of me. It was very-very sticky, I couldn't see it clearly. So I started to ask that "me" if it's really me, where it is? This feeling in the body? Nah. In the head? Nope. Is this thought of me is me? I did some mental research by asking like "what this is then? what's the difference between 'me' and other thoughts like these which asking this?" And at a certain moment it "clicked" again as some days ago and "un-sticked" - I felt a relief, and something in me started to "see" it as a separate entity.

Right now, the "me"-feeling and the "me"-thought are staying a bit 'aside' and look like a tension in my head and heart, and a thought. Feelings and sensations (including the remainder of the negative frustration) are also seem detached. I feel them in the body, in the head, but as a separate independent sensations, they're not acquiring my body entirely, don't interrupt the clarity of "seeing" them as just feelings/sensations/thoughts when I pay attention.

Is this the "seeing" you mentioned? At least for me it definitely looks like you gave me examples with the old/young woman and the candle stick - it's just the matter of how you look at this. But I noticed that it requires some mental strength to distinguish this at first. And I definitely need to sleep more to strengthen this, as last days I didn't sleep too much (maybe that's also the reason of infantilism).

However, some thoughts can "push" the "me" and I can be deceived by them like it's me wanting to do something, and I wouldn't notice that. For example, a thought can push me to control the correctness of this post and that "me" would "generate" an enforcement-sensation in the body to do that. At least that's how I see it now.

I don't know if this is the expected state, don't know for how long it will last, but now I feel much better like that, rather than when I was absorbed by the frustrating thoughts/feelings. They're still here, but they're not "sticking" and not flowing to other parts of the body.

Oh, this report became so long, and I don't know how to shorten it, as seems all the part are important. Sorry about that.

Many thanks,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Alex,

Yes, you are seeing through some untrue thoughts. That brings relaxation, whether it's a thought of "self" or blame or any other untrue thought.

All you did was believe some lies, such as these:

some thoughts can "push" the "me"

I can be deceived by them

a thought can push me to control the correctness of this post

"me" would "generate" an enforcement-sensation in the body to do that.

None of those are true. The Work of Byron Katie is perfect for this inquiry. www.thework.com

Thoughts have zero power. There is no "me" to generate anything.

It is good that you saw through some stressful thoughts. KEEP LOOKING!

Much love,

[alexmed]

I decided to go through the exercises you gave me again. It looks like the puzzle is now slowly being put together, what it was all about.

This is the thought process I went through this morning.

I have a distrust of the Western world - is it good? Can it be trusted?

At the same time, I feel a sensation in the guts that something is lying, a constriction in the solar plexus.

"I" feel. Or is it felt?

I feel a tension in my head and thoughts that reverberate in my left chest - as if it was "I" feeling it.

But "I" feel it or is it felt?
When I ask myself this question, there is a feeling of frustration.
When I notice that it is felt, but not "I" felt that - there is a feeling of "expansion" in the body, as opposed to contraction. Feeling more true.

There is anguish in the head and body, there is a constriction in the guts and in the head.
There was a sense of relief, a sigh of relief, when it gets noticed it was just felt, not I felt it.
A thought appears, which is just waiting to "lick" any other thought and designate it as its own.

I just thought that I might lose all these records, and a feeling of frustration appeared.
Who felt them? Is this very "I"?

There is no me. No.

This thought "I" jumps out like a devil out of a snuffbox, wanting to "smear" everything with its "taste" - and tie it into a common knot, so that it would felt everywhere in the body and the mind. As if the feeling of "I" creates a "short circuit" in the system, and it is pierced by an electric current. At such a moment, there is a contraction in the body, in the guts, in the chest, in the head.

It looks like I need to observe this more and more this way how "I" feel something, or something is actually felt.
And it doesn't seem to be that hard.

Getting enough sleep does help sometimes. :-D

Many thanks,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Excellent, Alex!

There is no "me" and Imagining one IS a lie, and stressful. That's cute about the devil in the snuffbox.

there is a feeling of "expansion" in the body,

YES! Changes everything, doesn't it, yet everything is the same.

doesn't seem to be that hard.

True! All we have to do is LOOK.

Getting enough sleep does help sometimes. :-D

Very much.

This is good LOOKING. Let this recognition settle.

This is a beginning, not an end. Many untrue thoughts & beliefs will be noticed the more you LOOK in this relaxed way.

Do you need more practice or can you say with certainty that there is no separate "self" & never has been?

Loving,

[alexmed]

Changes everything, doesn't it, yet everything is the same.

Yes! I didn't even notice the difference at first. It wasn't even a "click" or something, just a barely noticeable shift of the perception. Then we went for a walk with my wife and it gradually started to "unfold", so eventually started to laugh for nothing. :-D

Do you need more practice or can you say with certainty that there is no separate "self" & never has been?

No me, no me, no me. :) That's a bit funny.

I was laughing today more than usually, especially right after that recognition.

No separate self, no me, and it is just a story, which was told me by... me? others? I don't know, I don't remember, how I caught this contagious belief. Most probably from the childhood, as it's a convenient way to manipulate kid's behaviour, to make him feel guilty. Also it seems to me it works on the level of our internal mental language... I still can't believe it's just a matter of words so to say - if you say "I" and believe in that, it drives your entire system one way. If you mentally say it another way ("it just feels", not "I feel it") - it will drive the system another way... It reminds me the neurolinguistic programming - your mental system would behave just like you "said" to live it... Anyway.

At the moment no doubts. It's just as simple as ... my hand in front of my eyes! I didn't need to do anything for that, just like everyone who is granted with the gift of the vision can see with no effort, and you don't even know how it happens, it just happens. When I had "partial seeing" of the truth some days ago, I always felt something staying "behind" me and "breathing" in my back, like "yeah, just wait a bit, and I'll jump out! he-he..." And, well, it didn't let me wait for a long time to happen. Now, I don't have any kind of that feeling - nobody's behind.

Yeah, I would like to let it settle in a bit, and see how it would evolve with the daily practice.

If you don't mind, could I please still post here on daily basis for maybe a week, and would let you know how I proceed?
This is only the 1st day of that simplicity. Also today I noticed some egoic tendencies that came one time, when I needed to go, and another man didn't let me do it as I wanted - so it made me upset for some time until the recognition gradually got back... But yeah, you said it's just a beginning, and maybe I wouldn't ever "unsee" it anymore... For some reason I have no doubt that it's just like that.
Also you see Stacy: I become upset, upset, upset - so seems this is my field of work for now apart from the relaxed recognition, so would have to go through "The Work" of Byron Katie, as seems this is also the way to go -- thank you very much for this advise!

I feel a lot of gratitude to what you're doing.

Much appreciated Stacy. You're doing a super job! Much love!

[Anastacia42]

Thank you & you're quite welcome!

We have some traditional "final" questions. I'll post them here & you can reply when you're ready.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.

Describe intention & give examples from experience.

Describe free will & give examples from experience.

Describe choice & give examples from experience.

Describe control & give examples from experience.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Feel free to post how things are going.

Much love,

[alexmed]

Hi Stacy,

Okay, I'll reply on these questions as soon as I'm ready, as I don't have enough experience with writing such things. I started drafting with baby steps and will post later, if it's okay.

A brief report for today.
Today morning was blissful and seeing happened pretty well, even better than yesterday, but by the evening "dark clouds" started to appear in forms of irritation and association with it.
Tried to see through the illusion, was for some hours caught by belief "You need to search! You've got problems!" - forgot how to see, recognition stopped.
Now seems got back, but with no good clarity. Today is also one more bad-slept-day, my nose couldn't breath enough, so seems it has consequences. Treating it. :)
And of course looking!

Many thanks,
Alex.

[alexmed]

By the way, noticed that if I simply try to look for any "I" or "me" - it helps pretty much. It looks like the recognition didn't go anywhere, more like a habit to "keep chasing" if it doesn't happen as expected (expectations of bliss?.. seems I've got used to this experience during these 2 days, ha! - ego tries to acquire it?!..).

[Anastacia42]

Yes, simply LOOK.

The bliss is a honeymoon phase. It will pass. You will still know there's no "self," no Santa. :)

Living,

[alexmed]

Nothing much to report for today,
Pretty stable recognition all the day, no bliss, and no huge struggle. Some old patterns appeared, one really "valuable" for "me" in relation to my parent. Seems all were "seen-through" pretty quickly. Looks like dissolving, sometimes automatically, sometimes needed to pay attention and work through thoroughly, play with "Is this me, or not me" - to train the "recognition system" to distinguish.
Keeping looking.

Many thanks,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Excellent..

[alexmed]

Hi Stacy,

Was pretty busy day, so didn't have too much chances to look apart from the evening. However, I see that recognition still happens. No new insights, just noticing "no me". During the evening walk investigated, how the choices and decisions are made. So for now I write it here, later - will bring into a single consolidated answer to your list of questions: a thought (or thoughts) arises, and some appropriate actions happen according to these thoughts. There's no anyone specific, who makes choices/decisions - it's just a logical (although rather smart) process of this mechanism in response to thoughts which come from... nowhere.

I've got 1 question though: there's no me, no center, no "governor" of the life - I see this clearly. However, there's something that rules the focus of the attention. So it's a bit unclear to me, who "owns"/"drives" it? To confirm, my understanding from I can observe, looks like it's the part of the thought process which happens in the brain - a thought comes, and the attention goes in the direction of the "most powerful" thought or something like that. Is this correct understanding?

Much gratitude,
Alex.

[Anastacia42]

Actually, no

some appropriate actions happen according to these thoughts.

To confirm, my understanding from I can observe, looks like it's the part of the thought process which happens in the brain - a thought comes, and the attention goes in the direction of the "most powerful" thought or something like that. Is this correct understanding?

No. Your mind is making up stories.

What if it is nothing but a mystery we cannot explain?

It is.

You could read some neuroscience, such as "On Being Certain" by Robert Burton or "The Mind's Past" by Michael Gazzaniga. But that's not necessary. If up LOOK you will find no mechanism, no predictability.

Loving,

[alexmed]

Hi Stancy,

I'm pretty exhausted with the latest events at work, so I'll reply tomorrow. Apologies.

Many thanks,
Alex.