1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
There is no separate self, no I, no do-er, no experiencer, no entity. There is just what is, experience, the activity of life. There was never anything separate from this; everything that was previously taken to be Me has been seen, via inquiry, to be just part of the flow of existence.
2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience.
The illusion of separate self shows up very often in “I” thoughts, which were seen via inquiry to make up almost all thoughts all day long, many of them starting with the word “I”. “I love this color”, “I’m hungry”, “I want to go home”. Judgments, desires, and a lot of labeling things that are already known — for example, “I’m hungry” is a pointless thought because the body already experiences hunger. Or, “I’m going to bed” happens after this course of action has already started — so these thoughts give the appearance of a chooser, but in reality life just happens, and this is an added commentary.
As well as these thoughts, there are continual mental images of this body, this character Natasha, in various scenarios mostly labeled past or future. This could be a near future thought, such as envisioning different choices of what to eat for dinner. Or a farther in the future thought, such as fearful scenarios, or an improvement in life circumstances (which is how “hope” arises). In fact, previously “hope” was the almost constant state of living.
All of this gave the impression of a character in time, moving along a path. The story changes every time as well, as sometimes it’s all heading to some amazing future, and other times it’s, poor me, everything is hopeless. A thought would arise, “Oh I’m close to liberation,” and then seen how funny that is — when there is nowhere to get to, how can there be anything but this! They are all just movements of thought, happening now.
Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
The inquiry is what dissolved the biggest assumption, which is that there is an ‘I’ in the body, controlling the body. It’s been seen that the body actually is not a defined limit object, and is rather colors and sensations appearing with no border in reality. And that all of the body’s actions just happen, in the same way as the rest of present experience happens — the wind is blowing, the heart is beating, the hands are typing. Previously it was assumed that the heart was beating on its own, but that I was doing the typing. Now when I look, both are clearly happening on their own.
There is also a greater awareness of the mental “me” images that I mentioned above, and how often these arise before a choice or when constructing a past or future. I had previously been very aware of word thoughts, but with this inquiry it was the first time the image thoughts were really looked at again and again. They had been flying under the radar, more sneaky than the word thoughts.
Also, with the inquiry regarding “is Is-ness personal?”, present experience was seen to be impersonal, just life appearing, and this feels wonderful - it has been one of my favorite ones to repeat in moments of resting, to remember the impersonal nature of this all.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels alive, full of quiet wonder, simple, still, familiar, and free. Prior to starting this inquiry, earlier this year there had been the realization that I was not the thinker, and that past and future were just images arising now, when previously they had seemed as real as present experience. This was quite a pop, a wake up. But there was still a strong sense of “I”, and that clearly I was in the body and I was the do-er. In fact after this initial awakening, I turned to LU material and felt immense resistance hearing that there is no Me and no do-ership, and not even an experiencer.
Now each place where the “I” identification lurked has been dismantled, in a way that leaves no doubt and is really quite simple — just looking right here, at ordinary reality. There was still a strong expectation of liberation looking a certain way, and that identification would never arise again — but that too was dismantled, and thus the seeking was relieved! Years listening to hundreds of non-duality videos, trying to understand this no-self thing, feeling like it was something mystical that others had and I didn’t — and now, I don’t wonder about no-self anymore. I see that there is just what’s happening, right here, any time, it’s always the case.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
It was when the greatest expectations dropped away, which happened when you specifically asked about expectations, and dispelled the ideas that seeing meant a permanent finish line, with never any more identification - and also the idea that recognizing this needed to happen with some huge bang, bliss, laughter, like all these fancy awakening experiences I had read about! Those expectations were born simply from all the endless videos and books I had consumed over the years, creating some future finish line I wanted to achieve, so was constantly comparing what was happening here to what had happened for others. When those were dissolved, this could just be seen for what it is, without comparison.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
Decisions and choices often arise as a mental image of different outcomes — for example, deciding what to eat for dinner, there will be an image of various foods and then a physical response to them. Then, an action will happen. Or, an action might not happen - there might be a feeling of indecision, or distraction and attending to something else entirely.
Decisions with more far-reaching consequences, such as whether to quit my job, arise similarly but with not much action taken – just a lot of mental activity over months, different mental movies, emotions (e.g. fear of not having money, but frustration at the work circumstances), and then some small actions may happen such as expressing this desire to my friends, or cutting down work hours.
Here while typing, choices are being made with every word, and sometimes this is heard mentally before typed out (there may be a pause, and then different sentences are rehearsed until the best option is acted upon). But most of the time it just happens, just comes out at the same time as it is being ‘spoken’ mentally.
And in general, most actions in life just happen without any decision process. I took a certain bike route home today and I don’t know why, it just happened. I am feeling a bit cold right now, and usually when that happens, at some point I just get up to turn on the heating without any thought. There is no predicting when that will happen.
Intentions arise as mental images like the above, or often thoughts such as “From now on, I am eating healthy!” And again, sometimes these are followed, but sometimes not. The best of intentions arise, like that my diet will be healthy or that I will exercise every morning. But, whether these are acted on is totally unpredictable. Currently I don’t drink alcohol and find that very easy, but previously I was an alcoholic. How come my intentions to stop drinking before never worked, until one day they did? Who knows!
Free will — well, things happen freely, but there is no one to will it. Just like the rain and wind happens with no one willing it. Control doesn’t really make sense anymore, other than that it is seen that the “I” thought certainly has no control.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
All of experience flows freely, and that is how things happen. What arises can appear to be based on all kinds of factors that involve every part of life — for example, for lunch I ate a poke bowl, and a whole chain of events was involved in that ‘decision’. I chose poke because it’s one of my favorite foods, which is influenced by biological and social factors, as well as the intention to eat something healthy, which was informed by the knowledge I have been exposed to in my life. It was also a sunny day, and the thought of something cold and refreshing was agreeable. There happened to be a poke place on my way home. And the availability of poke in my neighbourhood comes from a whole chain of food supply, trends, economic factors. So it seems that things happen in connection with everything else, like it is a flow of life set in motion as a river running down a mountain. Life seems to unfold with an organized intelligence, and links can be observed. That said, all of this is conceptualising, so the answer to the question simply from direct experience is: things just happen!
I believe I have already given relevant examples above about how other things happen, such as typing and following through with intentions, but do let me know if I should give some more.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
In a way, the question ‘what am I responsible for’ doesn’t make sense since there is no ‘I’ and no responsibility, as that would require free will and control. When the appearance of decision-making happens, there can be a feeling of being able to make better ones, or a feeling of intention - but ultimately there is no one doing this, as outlined above. For example, making choices that are best for my wellbeing, such as examining beliefs, welcoming negative emotions, letting go of unproductive thinking — when it seems like there is power to do these things, there is the attempt to do is what is best, and sometimes it is successful and sometimes not. There is no one who controls the outcome. So there is no responsibility, therefore there is no blame or pride to be had, as things could not have unfolded any different!
6) Anything to add?
I feel immense gratitude for this guidance, for your patience and for reading all this, and I wish I had done this sooner! Previously the main block here seemed to be my expectations of a big bang of permanent liberation. And, in all the non-dual books and videos I consumed, none of them had adressed this, in fact they put way more expectations into my head and caused the problem in the first place! Who knows how long the seeking would have continued, without you just telling it like it is. Now I would love to explore the conditioning, all the things that continue to come up, resting safely in the knowledge that there is no finish line, and it’s all okay. Once I am deemed finished on this thread, I will look forward to getting in touch with you regarding this further work. Thank you so much! :)
