How do I return to Pure Awareness?

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Yes!

The ego self does not exist. As I mentioned yesterday, I could feel the "hollowness", the "void" of the ego self.

I always believed the ego self was an "entity like energy complex", which I should be able to feel, sense or meet.

Thank you so much for your detailed and elaborate reply!
I want to read your words several times to let the information settle & sink in.

May I ask one question though?
You wrote, "There are behaviours that the mind identifies with ego – self – persona."

What is the definition of mind?
Dr. Siegel defines the mind as an embodied and inter relational process that regulates the free flow of energy and information.

The mind is not the ego self, isn´t it?
Is the mind a process or processor which works according to the belief patterns I am attached to?
Consequently the less attached I am to any belief - which partly blocks my energy system - the freer Life energy flows.

I postpone asking more questions until later,
and return once more to "direct experience", observing & sensing, what arises in the Present Moment.

Thank you so much!

I am utterly grateful for your detailed explanations and your very kind guidance.

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hello Angelika,

I'll just quickly respond to your question about mind. Actually there is no mind! So I should have been a bit clearer about what I mean when I use the word. There are only mental activities - thoughts, images, imaginings and mental 'fabrications' of sense experiences (e.g. the capacity to imagine the smell of a rose, the taste of a lemon). So more exactly there is no 'mind' other than mental activities, there is no 'place' where some-thing called 'mind' dwells. Mental activities arise and are gone, arise and are gone. So I sometimes use the conventional term 'mind', but not to suggest that there is a thing to which this corresponds in the way people normally suppose it does. It's just another conventional term. If we look for 'the mind' we cannot find it. This is something you could well do by way of looking /investigation ... can you find a 'mind' existing apart from mental activities?

Best wishes,

John

[jowate]

Hi Angelika,

Ok, now responding to the second part of your post from the day before yesterday. Not a huge amount to add to what I wrote yesterday, I think.

“Seems like my self resides in the region of my forehead. I feel this part when I feel my self.”

A couple of things here.

· Look-feel directly into those feelings or sensations which the mind is labelling ‘self’. Apart from conceptual thinking-labelling, is there anything in the feelings that genuinely differentiates them from any other sensations? Look-feel and check these sensations against other sensations in the body and arising to other senses: is there any real difference?
· “I feel my self”. This might be semantic, it might not: if ‘self’ is what you regard as your essence and what is ultimately, really ‘me’, then what is the ‘I’ that if feeling it?
· Is it not that there are simply sensations arising in awareness which thoughts are labelling ‘self’?

This is an important thing to investigate as a large part of what needs to be realised is that whatever presents itself as ‘self’ or ‘selfing’ or ‘ego’ (or whatever) is NOT self – it’s simply mental labelling.

My self is like an "auto - active" file system, that collects and stores thoughts.
When something happens in the present moment, my self seems to automatically search through the storage and throw out the thoughts which seem to match the event. All this happens as a reflex, without any observation, consideration, or contemplation.

Try re-writing (or just re-thinking) this without bringing in ‘self’. You could substitute ‘the brain’ or ‘the mind’ or ‘mental activities’. Your observation in the last sentence is spot on. If it happens in this way, and it’s observed / seen to happen in this way, what need is there to invoke a ‘self’ or ‘me’ that does it?

While doing yoga, I ask the question, "Where is my self?"
I could not get hold of my self.
Almost as if my self is "see - through".
Though I felt a pulse from the area of my sternum going upwards in my body.

Good too – ‘I’ cannot get hold of ‘my’ ‘self’ because the thinking mind (which is what ‘I’ actually refers to) can’t do anything other than generate more concepts. It can’t actually ‘get hold’ of anything. Thoughts cannot ‘think’ – thinking is not itself ‘aware’ of anything, it’s just a succession of mental objects arising in awareness. ‘My self’ seems ‘see-through’ because there’s literally nothing there to see! The pulse that arose has nothing to do with ‘self’ either – it’s simply a self-less movement of sensation-energy.

Take your time over what I've written here and wrote yesterday – really LOOK at your experience (much more than thinking about it). Whenever something presents itself as ‘self’, look with the implicit question: ‘is this really self/me etc. or is it simply a sensation labelled as ‘self/me’?

Well, wrote a bit more than I expected there! My week started well – hope yours did and continues to!

Best regards,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John!

May I try a little experiment. I want to figure out how to express my experience without using "I", "me" or any other personal pronoun. ( Just for Now, ok?)

- Experiencing sensations similar to feeling overwhelmed by all illuminating topics and matters given and received on ego, mind & illusion.


- Reading the following passage causes a sensation of dizziness and evokes an image of caving forms in (my) mind´s eye.

"And thirdly there is ‘I’ or ‘me’ – the self, the perceiver, the owner, the doer which we believe we are, and which is a complete fiction, a mere belief. Perceiving happens, thinking happens, doing happens, but there is no perceiver, no thinker, no doer, and there never has been. So this is what needs to be seen through, because this belief is the underlying cause of all mental pain and suffering."

For the sake of convenience I will return to using personal pronouns again. I realize that the English language is not really intended to be applied without pronouns.

I practice aware & direct experience during the day. As I realize that I have dropped out of being present, I return to direct experience.

I catch myself experiencing a tightness in and around my body when I have randomly returned (?) to ego self once more and react from this illusionary state.

In my next message I would like to ask questions about the different kind of words you mentioned.

For now I have to leave and return to "chopping wood and carrying water."

Our exchange, your guidance turns out to be a mind blowing experience for me. (pun intended)


With infinite gratitude, I remain

Very sincerely,

Angelika

[Angelika]

Hello again, John!

I would like to ask questions about the "different kind of words."

As I understand your explanation, there is a category of words, which point to a visible form, like trees, houses, cars, hair, etc.

I have noticed the following: If I look at a form in our garden, that we agreed to name "tree", my direct experience stops as soon as the word "tree" enters my awareness.
The term "tree" works like a label, that limits my sense perception to the moment of recognition of this very form.

It is almost like "naming" forms blocks the direct experience of the very form.

What can I do to remain in "beginner´s mind?"


In the following I repeat in my own words what you explained about the second group of words.
This category of words points to concepts, to abstract ideas, which are intangible or non tangible, and all the same are validated as "real" as visible forms.

I have not been aware of before how many "things" I took for "real" and seriously are actually man made constructions. This is once more "mind blowing."

I do understand the meaning of the third category.

The three different categories of words point to three different realms of formed energy, isn´t it?

A little note,
- besides; I am still engaged in gathering all content of your answer from October 1st, 2012, 10:59 am.
I read each paragraph several times, let the words be with me, and observe what arises.

I will return tomorrow to continue reading & writing.

Meanwhile I remain once more,
With infinite gratitude,

Very sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hi Angelika,

Is your ‘little experiment’ a way of expressing what is seen directly? That is: no self in this anywhere?

What exactly is seen / known right now? Please answer this with complete honesty.

I think we (both) need to get more focussed here – I really want you to see through this painful delusion of self. So this direct pointing is not about the ‘content’ of our lives, it’s about one thing and one thing only: seeing through the self-view, the ‘I’, the ‘ego’ as utterly non-existent.

I catch myself experiencing a tightness in and around my body when I have randomly returned (?) to ego self once more and react from this illusionary state.

There’s no ‘returning’ to ego or self once it’s seen through. The ‘self’ is a view or belief, not any particular kind of behaviour. It’s the belief that has to be seen through. When really seen through, it’s automatically dropped for good – like the belief in Santa. That’s what we’re about here.

It looks like you’re clear conceptually about language ‘pointing’ 1) to real experiences, 2) to ‘man made constructions’ which do have a practical reality in our world and 3) to the unreal - fictions, fantasies, ‘things’ that never existed.

‘My self’ is not real - a complete fantasy, it never existed. That’s all we’re concerned about now.

(Now, please LOOK at what I wrote above in bold – write spontaneously, while looking, without thinking it through. Please do this now and send it to me before reading and responding to what follows, which I’ll put in a separate post.)

[jowate]

There’s a good observation in your later response, so let’s follow that up. You mention direct experience of a certain visual object, then labelling “TREE”. You add ‘my direct experience stops as soon as the word "tree" enters my awareness.’

What matters is not that the ‘experience stops’ when labelling happens, but that no-one is doing this. Labelling just happens, that’s what the mind does, automatically and without anyone doing it.

Experiencing never stops – a moment ago it was the visual image, then the label, then the next thing to arise and then the labelling and so on.

Here’s what to do:

Spend some time just looking at whatever’s around. Notice that visual images arise NOW naturally and spontaneously – no-one is ‘doing’ it, no effort is involved. (Is that true? LOOK!)

Notice that the subsequent labelling happens NOW naturally and spontaneously too. No-one is ‘doing’ it, no effort is involved. (Is that true? LOOK!)

Notice that in each ‘NOW’ moment, something is arising to the senses or mind. Direct experience is only of what is now – the previous experience is gone. And no-one is doing it, no-one is ‘deciding’ what is going to arise NOW. (Again, is that true? LOOK!)

So, if possible, type down what is being noticed as it’s being noticed … typing at your computer is what is happening!

Warm regards,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John!

Thank you for reading and answering.

In today´s 9:17 reply you asked: "Is your ‘little experiment’ a way of expressing what is seen directly? That is: no self in this anywhere? "

I experimented with what would happen in me - as my direct experience - if I used present continuous tense, leaving personal pronouns away.
(In my native language - German - there is no continuous tense.)

I also wanted a sense of how it feels to leave the "I" away.

In the experiment was ego self involved. Sorry.



The difficulty I so far experience is:

You kindly explain and share a lot of information. Some of it is familiar to me. The greater part of it though I need to read and reread several times.

After having read a paragraph I like to spend time observing what happens in the Now, the present Moment.

Only then I would return to the next paragraph.

The pace I can go is maybe slower than your pace?

Your next question was,

"What exactly is seen / known right now? Please answer this with complete honesty."

I sit in front of my laptop. The window is wide open. I listen to the wind blowing in the trees. I hear birds tweeting.
Something in me resonates with the silence between the sounds.

I feel a tension in my belly. A thought comes up, I want to control it. I push it away.
I hear the sound of a car driving by.

A moment of silence. I feel dizziness. My daughter passes by the room I sit in, and asks how I am doing.

Busy, I answer.

I hear water running. I smell the autumn scent of nature filling the room.

Silence.

I see the reflection of trees moving in the wind, in the wide open window.

A thought comes to me, "My writing reminds me of Haiku poems."

. . .

Will return later.

Thank you, for your patience! Very sincerely, Angelika

[Angelika]

A delayed PS:

I practiced the "What is seen .. . " exercise once more this afternoon while sitting outside on the patio.
I noticed or experienced a deep peaceful stillness while I was receiving what happened.

Thank you!

Angelika

[jowate]

Hello Angelika,

Please always take as long as you need to understand and really look at and explore, experientially, anything I point to ... there is no pressure (honest!) :)

And there is no need to apologise for anything! – it’s good that you recognise that the ‘experiment’ involved self-view, but it’s possible that being open to experimenting could help you deepen into ‘seeing directly’. Until the self is seen through, there is always going to be self-view around, that’s fine and just how it is. Feel free to experiment.

So regarding what you wrote on the first ‘what is seen’: is there a sense of a ‘me’ experiencing all this?

While not ‘murdering’ English by using no ‘I’ or ‘me’, could this be a more accurate way of expressing something like what was actually happening? -

Visual image of (what mind labels) ‘laptop’, other peripheral visual images around screen, hands on keyboard.
Rustling sounds, mind labels ‘wind in trees’; other sounds, mind labels ‘birds tweeting’. Silence. Feeling of resonance in body.
Tension in body / belly. A thought arises. Another thought arises, a wish to control the first thought. Another thought wants to push it away.
Sound arises, mind labels ‘car driving by’.

See – it’s all happening ‘to’ no-one and being done ‘by’ no-one. So keep looking in this way – try to be as precise as possible. ‘I’ do not hear the birds. Sounds arise, mind recognises, thoughts label ‘birds’ – it’s all just happening, doing itself. No you.

“I noticed or experienced a deep peaceful stillness while I was receiving what happened.”
Or -
Senses open. Peace. Stillness.

Warm regards,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Thank you for your response!

Today I experience a headache with coming and going pains. I watch the sensations as they come, along with anything else that arises.

Due to the head ache I have difficulties in reading and writing, and thinking straight. :)

I will take a rest and return tomorrow.

Thank you very much for your assistance! I so much appreciate your guidance!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hi Angelika,

Sorry to hear about the headache - if you feel up to any reflection at all, bear in mind that if any 'self' existed that could in any way control events, headaches and other unpleasant things wouldn't be happening. But they do - 'I' am not in control because 'I' don't exist!

That said, I hope you are bright and headache free again by tomorrow or sooner.

Warm wishes,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John,

Thank you for your kind wishes.

Yesterday I watched the pain moving around to different spots within my head and body.
As I watched and sensed the pain, the body relaxed and any tightness dissolved gradually.

I did not take any other remedy, but fresh coffee with brown sugar, lots of water and some ginger.

You wrote,

". . . .if you feel up to any reflection at all, bear in mind that if any 'self' existed that could in any way control events, headaches and other unpleasant things wouldn't be happening. But they do - 'I' am not in control because 'I' don't exist!"

I reflect on this today, °° 'I' am not in control because 'I' don't exist!" °°

. . .

May I return to a question, you wrote to me in your reply from October 3rd, 2012, 7:50 pm:

"So regarding what you wrote on the first ‘what is seen’: is there a sense of a ‘me’ experiencing all this?"

Yes, there was and is. It is like an ego self is (re) - building while I watch and observe what is in the very moment.
This what I name ego self, I sense as a tight energy inside myself.

Here are my questions,

Shall I focus my attention on the forms that appear in the outside environment instead of what is happening inside me?

Is it conditional behavior, that forms, that what I name ego self inside me?

Is conditional behavior just another energy field with a certain wavelength?

Is the conditional behavior just another form that appears in the Present Moment?

To me it feels like something inside me responds to the conditional behavior.
Is this so? And if this is so, what it it that responds?

Feeling a bewildering dizziness,

I will return later to continue reading & writing.

Thank you very much indeed for your great guidance and assistance!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

[jowate]

Hi Angelika,

Good, glad you’re back & headache gone, (I hope).

‘I am not in control’.

All those questions: they are simply the conceptual mind trying to stay in control. If it stays on that level, the ‘I’ belief will just go on forever. This direct pointing is pointing beyond mind, views, beliefs, opinions – this is why we say ‘look’ not ‘think about’!

So all there is to do right now is keep looking at the direct experience that’s happening now in the light of this one question (it’s one question but I’ve spelt it out in relation to all five senses as well as ‘the mind’ / mental activities, and it’s a question to orient you to the direct experience that's happening, not to thinking) -

If there’s seeing: am ‘I’ seeing, or is there just seeing happening?
If there’s body touch-sensation: am ‘I’ feeling, or are feelings just happening?
If there’s hearing: am ‘I’ hearing, or are sounds just happening?
If there’s tasting: am ‘I’ tasting, or are tastes just happening?
If there’s smelling: am ‘I’ smelling, or do smells just happen?

If there’s thinking or other mental activities (images, impulses): am ‘I’ the thinker, or do thoughts just happen?
· Did ‘I’ decide to think the thought that’s happening now? Or does it just arise unbidden?
· Could ‘I’ have prevented this thought, or had a different thought?
· Can ‘I’ decide not to think?

Please be prepared to put your questions to one side. Just look at experience now in the way I’m suggesting, and send me your observations as clearly as you can manage.

All best wishes to you,

John

[Angelika]

Hello John,

I understand. :)

The pain in my head is much less, only traces of it return and disappear.

In the early afternoon I sat on the patio with the sentence °° 'I' am not in control because 'I' don't exist!" °° repeating in my mind.

A sensation I call "all is well " arose twice and remained for a while. I recognized it from childhood days.

A thought of being surprised about the recognition arose, because I have been convinced that my childhood was awfully.

A sense of remembering what living is about arose.

Thoughts came and went by.

Calmness came, followed by agitation. Stillness arose and Peace.


I spent about 45 minutes outside.

. . .

An hour ago - around sunset - I returned to the patio to sit once more.

Much less thoughts arose.

Layers of cloud formation were travelling across the sky,
The setting sun colored the sky in all kind of blazing red light.
(I )was fully absorbed with watching cloud forms and planes come and go.

A few times it felt as if something wanted to open up,
fear arose inside.
Like a door opened suddenly, a glimpse emerged and the door once again closed.

Joy arose while realizing the beauty around me.
Saturation arose.
Feeling complete was there.

Peace.

. . .

As I returned here to report :) I saw and read your October 5th, 2012, 12:39 pm - post.

Tomorrow I will reflect on the questions you mentioned in this post.

Thank so very much! Already I feel a difference in perceiving what is.

Very sincerely,

Angelika