Sorry… I thought I posted this last night and while looking today for a response a thought came that maybe I didn’t post it - and I didn’t lol … here it is…
No. It cannot be found. And no there was never a self anywhere at all in any way shape or form. There are thoughts. And thoughts upon more thoughts give a sense of a self.1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
The illusion of the separate self - well it never started. I guess it’s a story now. I can’t say when the illusion of a self began. It’s only a story to say as a child. There’s no real memory of when. But a memory appears of feeling solid as a little scared girl. It doesn’t seem very real. It feels like this is me and that is you. I am in this body moving through time and space. It feels like always wanting and never satisfied. It’s constantly seeking for more and better and is always feeling like not enough. It needs a lot to add on to itself to feel enough. It thrives off comparison to apparent others that are viewed as solid real entities. It competes with apparent others to feel worthy. The sense of self assumes it is real. It knows what it is and what everything else is. It has a lot of beliefs and opinions and assumptions. In fact it owns and labels everything in its experience of being separate. It uses past present and future to confirm itself. It is not seen as a story but a very real timeline. A very real felt sense that I am in this body. I own this body I own this mind. It thrives off of choice - feels guilty when something doesn’t turn out right - according to a hand-me-down belief system - and it feels puffed up and good when something goes in a way that is labeled as good. It owns good and bad and right and wrong. It thrives off hope for a better tomorrow that never arrives. It is in an argument with what is - it feels that this, the way it is- cannot be fullness. This can’t be fulfillment. So hope is a way it stays apparently alive. The sense of a separate self is constantly rejected emotions that it’s been conditioned to think are bad - thus perpetuating suffering and seeking - and it runs towards emotions it’s been conditioned to think are good - further perpetuated seeking a better more full and hopeful and better experience.2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It feels like a relief. It feels lighter. It feels like the body is catching up or getting used to what has been recognized. Parenting and relationships are lighter. There is sadness at times for the hope of relationships being special - for example a best friend or a romantic lover and a beautiful mother-daughter relationship - there is a death of the hope of these stories being a certain way. It’s just life happening. Mothering appears, friending and partnering, but it’s just kind of ordinary. Not special. Sometimes there a sick feeling in the stomach for what free fall means, what is to come- then it’s quickly seen that it’s just a story , just a thought. And then there’s just this. This includes a lightness and joy much of the time. Also sometimes frustration and anger that kind of blasts off. Then nothing sticks. There’s nothing for feelings or thoughts to stick to. Everything being done seems to be quite automatic. There’s a mystery in how it all works or happens. For example, wow this body just moves there, picks up the paint brush, then paints… then an action do paint with this other color.thought comes to claim that action, but no choice or decision is being made. It never has been. Seeking can appear but I can’t really say that - watching non-duality videos but mainly it’s a joy. It’s seen there’s no choice to watch or not watch so who cares. It’s easier and effortless to mother - everything is more playful.3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Before I started this dialog I had expectations about what would happen, what it should look like. Tension around seeking. It was quite turbulent. Much heavier.
Hmmm I’m not sure. There was an energetic shift that happened upon reading the book LU. Looking happened. There was a story appeared that said it’s a good thing you do yoga, then a seeing that no one has ever done yoga. And immediately laughter.4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
It could be also when I told Luchana I still feel like I’m in the body and she asked me where? I’m not sure
Things automatically happen on their own. Then a thought comes later that said I made that choice. Nothing makes things happen. They are just happening. There is no free will. There would have to be a someone for there to be a will and there isn’t a someone. An example: the baby is getting fussy, the body immediately responses with feeding her or getting her a toy or soothing her. As the body is already beginning to move a thought comes to claim ownership of the action. But mothering is just happening. If she’s in the other room crying and her dad is helping her, already in this body there’s a felt sense of what to do.. then a recognition that nothing is to be and then a thought that narrates the happening. Food- same thing. There is no chooser but an impulse to eat something. Thoughts are appearing about it. There can even be a thought that says I want this, and then a shift to eating something else instead - it’s spontaneous. Even with communication, the words come out before there’s a thought about it then a thought comes to add on commentary. Almost like a who said that… oh I did lol5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
There isn’t a me to be responsible but responsibility happens. Responding is happening, or not responding - whatever happens. The sense of I have to do something has dropped. Now the doing is being done. Actually it’s joyful.. mostly, simple. This body likes to go fast so a lot of energy is coming to do House work and painting projects. The burden in responsibility has collapsed. There’s no needing to please my husband - just a playful interchange. Oh, a friends birthday came and went. Planing to make a cake for him happened, but it’s out of joy, or love, whatever that is… just kind of an impulse to bake. Thoughts will appear about service jobs I have to do and I’ll act accordingly - without a lot of effort.b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
I can’t think of anything to add. Lots of gratitude for Luchana!!!6) Anything to add?
Love, nikkie
