Not certain

[Fiann]

Hi Stacy sorry for the delay getting back to your last message.

Who is this "I" that "knows?"

Of course there is no I who knows. In direct experience there is a relaxed feeling in the chest and body when there is the thought "there is no self".

I'm travelling and will probably miss a few days until Tuesday. I'll be reading Gateless Gatecrashers in the meantime and will check in once I've read each of the stories.

[Anastacia42]

Perfect! Enjoy your travel.

Where are you going, if you care to say.?

Much love,

[Fiann]

Hi Stacy,

I'm in Berlin, a great city close to my heart!

I've been reading Gateless Gatecrashers and there's been some more clarity recently. I notice that when there is the question "Am I through the gate?", the I is already in there in question. The mind will never lose the ability to doubt, and doubt can carry on forever if there is engagement with doubting thoughts.

On the other hand, with the question "Where is the I?" it is clear that there's nothing like a self!

So the feeling of there being an I can arise, but it dissolves as soon as the thought it's hiding out in is examined. Hope this is making sense!

[Anastacia42]

Hi,

I've never been there.

Yes. If you want to PM me (top right here) an email address, I can share some guided pointers from my Drop Box.

Much love,

[Anastacia42]

Good morning,

How is it going?

Loving,

[Fiann]

Hey Stacy,

Sorry for being remiss - and thanks for the nudge!

I've listened to 2 of the tracks you sent me. I wasn't clear in the instructions - do you want me to post any responses I had to them?

I had a good experience with Perceiving Receiving. It felt similar to states I've encountered with samatha practices. But I hadn't noticed before how this body buzz is heightened awareness in the body. Any experience, any thought, and vague feeling of "I" is all recognised by this awareness.

Been having some unravelling of doubt these last few days. Doubt presumes there is a "right" choice and a "wrong" choice - and it presumes there's someone to make this choice. One of these realisations was accompanied by a phenomenon in the heart. Feeling clearer!

[Anastacia42]

Good morning!

Been having some unravelling of doubt these last few days.

Good!

Do you still need clarification on instructions for any of the Dropbox pointers?


Yes, do tell me the Actual Experience of what's happening for you. How does it FEEL?
Much love

[Fiann]

Hey Stacy, no clarification needed but thank you for these great supplements.

How does it FEEL?

Lighter, especially around the shoulders and upper chest. Things, while the same, don't seem so serious. While reflecting on doubt I realised it presumed right and wrong (decisions or beliefs). When I asked "right for who?" the whole process of doubt was seen to be absurd. How can a branch swaying in the wind be "wrong" or "right"?

Things just happen and I don't need to be there to cause or accept them. And they happen with or without doubting, which is just runaway thoughts spinning more stories. This is obvious and much more available in life lately. I had a difficult encounter with a family member over the weekend when this got obscured, but as soon as I was alone again there it was: no one is doing this, life's just playing out.

There's much more space around things without the voice that comes in asking question after question about how I could be sure! I'm seeing my fingers typing, feeling them, and there are thoughts of typing - and they each happen all on their own.

Finally the mind has been more quiet in general lately. Thoughts are still there but they're much more simple and don't form such long, tedious chains (thankfully!).

Thanks for your attention and patient guidance Stacy. What do you think? Any more snags jumping out at you or can I put doubt firmly to rest?

[Anastacia42]

That all sounds good.

It's up to you to tell me when you feel complete with no doubts sticking.

I can offer you the final questions and see if anything shows up that we need to look into.


1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.

Describe intention & give examples from experience.

Describe free will & give examples from experience.

Describe choice & give examples from experience.

Describe control & give examples from experience.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Loving,

[Fiann]

Cool. My heart says complete at this point, but it would be good to go through these again.

I'm on my way to bed and will devote some time to these questions tomorrow.

Thanks Stacy.

[Anastacia42]

Sounds good. Fresh answers from no doubt would be good. The least clear place before seems to be this:

Describe control & give examples from experience.
The illusion of control helps "me" make decisions that lead to my happiness, survival, and the welfare of others. If I couldn't produce feelings of importance or control, the causes and conditions would not arise for decisions to happen. I'd be more like a rock than a living mammal being. If I'm working to a deadline and have the thought that I can control how much work I do each day in expectation of it, then I'll be more likely to care. But in reality, the belief in control is not in anyone's control - nobody is there to do the controlling

.

The last sentence is true.

Do you still believe in cause & effect?

I

If I couldn't produce feelings of importance or control, the causes and conditions would not arise for decisions to happen.

Really? How does this story seem now?

Sleep well. I'll look in the morning (US Mountain Time)

Loving,

[Fiann]

Morning Stacy.

I might start by clarifying what I meant about control. No one is there who could do controlling. But feelings of importance are guides to action for the organism - sensations of hunger being felt as important motivate it to seek food. But the decision to act, like feelings of importance simply are there in awareness, without any control or controller.

Really? How does this story seem now

?
The part of my previous response that most stands out is "I produce". The feelings are there or not, neither produced nor ended.

Do you still believe in cause & effect?

Hmm, it's a very interesting story, but I can't find causes or effects in direct experience.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

Nope, only thoughts about one that were taken more or less seriously.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The idea of a separate self is a story that becomes an illusion when it's taken to refer to something beyond thought. This story is readily taken up and incorporates things in awareness into itself: "my leg crossed", "happening to me", "I think these thoughts". When I actually look at what's going on there is no self, no illusion of self.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

There's a lot of relief. This is clear to me - it's simple and obvious. Thoughts that would usually run into more thoughts are more likely to just dissolve. This awareness of that a self is just absent from all aspects of experience is readily available. Going back a few week, I could notice this, believe it, and them quickly give in to doubting thoughts about how I could be sure - do I see it enough? Is this what I'm supposed to be seeing? How could I know?
These questions seem sort of funny!

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Hard to say - it was more like a small hole slowly draining a bucket. Something definitely shifted while I was on retreat in November, but selfing thoughts were hiding out in doubt. Seeing doubt's moving parts, hanging out more in direct experience, and a handful of small penny-drop moments lately just made it clearer and clearer.

5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.

Decision is a selfing story that comes along after something is already happening. "Decisions" are just thoughts, and are not "made".

Describe intention & give examples from experience.

Thoughts plus emotions (feelings of importance). I have the thought of a hot coffee, and feelings in my chest. This is experienced as the intention to make a coffee when I finish typing.

Describe free will & give examples from experience.

Describe choice & give examples from experience.

Describe control & give examples from experience.

Whose free will? Whose choice? Control by who? I have often noticed a hand moving to scratch an itch before I notice the itch! Nothing within the flow of life can alter it with anything we might call free will, or choice, or control.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

Things are not made to happen. "Happening" should probably be used loosely - it implies a past from which a thing has come and a future it's going to. And no past or future are found in direct experience, and no "things" either, just seeing, hearing, feeling, etc.

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I can't be responsible for anything if I'm an eddy in the stream of life. I'm flow a greater flow. There's no one responsible for reaching out to you to help guide me. No one's responsible for the seeing of the screen that's going on right now. It's a null category!

6) Anything to add?

It all seems pretty straightforward right now. Doubt was acting as some kind of feedback loop that was broken recently. There's no right or wrong outcomes - there's just what is. What is isn't subject to doubt, only thoughts are - doubt only exists in thoughts and doesn't refer to anything real! Once this was clear there wasn't any fireworks, the questions just fell away.

[Anastacia42]

Thank you.

Good. Your answers will be shared with other guides who may have questions.

You may get a question about when in a person's life this "self" begins to clarify question 2.

You may also be asked to clarify this:

Thoughts plus emotions (feelings of importance). I have the thought of a hot coffee, and feelings in my chest. This is experienced as the intention to make a coffee when I finish typing.

Who "intends?"

This is a good video Ilona made about how it works after you SEE:

https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w

Loving,

[Fiann]

when in a person's life this "self" begins to clarify question 2

Could you rephrase this?

Who "intends?"

Nobody is intending. If an intention means some kind of action waiting to be performed, then intention is only thoughts and feelings - and the thoughts and feelings belong to no one. In the example I gave, where there is a buying-in of self, then there is just "I intend to make coffee", in direct experience, just thoughts and feelings on their own.

[Anastacia42]

Okay...

when in a person's life this "self" begins to clarify question 2
Could you rephrase this?

Was there a "self" at birth?

If not, how did the illusion, the story, develop & when?

Your other answer is good. This is another aspect.

Loving,