Ready

[Anki]

Hello to you all. I am tired of so much everyday suffering. I am not sure how to go about this, but I am extremely drawn to the idea of no 'I', no 'me'. I have been looking around and can't find the 'I', but that's nothing new. I have tried in the past as well, and thought that because I couldn't find it only meant that it was not locatable, by design.

So... I know no one can do this 'for' me, and I am simply ready for help in crossing over.

Thanks a lot already,
Anki

[vinceschubert]

Hi Anki, vince here...
You seem to have had some experience with this before.
Rather than bring history into the present, can we pretend that you know nothing at all about this ?
Are you willing to be 100% honest with me and yourself ?
Are you prepared to post at least once every day and stay with this until you are 'cooked' ?

[Anki]

Aloha Vince, and yes to all. It's time.
Anki

[vinceschubert]

Anki, putting aside the content of what you have read and done, there will be an expectation of what might come from this.
i don't want to know the details of that expectation. What i want you to do is look for the SOURCE of that expectation. Don't think about it ! LOOK. See if you can locate WHERE it it originating.

[Anki]

ok... here i go

[Anki]

i can't find a source... i have thoughts about not finding it; other than those all there is is a space, and i look all around in that space but there is nothing, even though i expect to find a door or something. the expectation comes in the form of a thought, but it is spontaneous, it just appears! out of nowhere!

[Anki]

still no source and i will continue looking.....

[vinceschubert]

the expectation comes in the form of a thought, but it is spontaneous, it just appears! out of nowhere!

Anki, this is excellent.
You are standing at the gateway.
i imagine that you have been here before but instead of accepting that thoughts just appear, you previously concluded that you were inadequate in locating them.
Your mind (a collection of thoughts) may just try to do this again. It may resort to fear or trickery to block you from seeing that there is no you behind them. (i will point you to a BBC video later that shows that your brain makes decisions a full 6 seconds before your mind claims them)
LOOK to your bodily sensations and see if you can locate a feeling of acceptance that YOU have not produced those thoughts.

[Anki]

i got a buzz in my abdomen that told me that i did NOT create those thoughts.. any of the thoughts i was having. i saw very clearly that they were 'scrolling through' or 'dropping in'.. again out of nowhere; just suddenly there...

[vinceschubert]

i got a buzz in my abdomen that told me that i did NOT create those thoughts..

Brilliant !
Now this one may just take you through the gate....
Where is the i that got the buzz, the i that did NOT create those thoughts.. ???

[Anki]

i cannot locate the i's position. i can't find anything about it at all. i consider this to be my mind trick again, because i have a strong thought that it is findable, somehow. i'll keep looking... thanks Vince.

[Anki]

i continue to look. i am having a sensation, either in the top left of my head, or in my abdomen. like a...an opening or something. feels like a place to go 'into' for the answer, then it fades.

no i to be found yet. i look and look in the space inside where it seems it would be. I continue, but with less conviction, to think it's findable. rough day today due to other things, will continue tomorrow. off to bed.

[vinceschubert]

You might ask yourself "where is the I that had a rough day?"
List the possible reasons why you can't find an I...

[Anki]

Possible reasons the i cannot be found:
It's not perceivable with ordinary human senses.
It 'thinks for itself' and is hiding from me. Ah, but who is the 'me' it is hiding from? Hmmm.. COULD the 'I' hide from 'me'? this is probably a mind game but it seems kinda interesting... a part of myself is saying it could be why i can't find the 'i'.

OK, more reasons I cannot find the i:
i am looking in the wrong place. (although i have tried looking in 'other' places and they are even more empty than where i am currently looking!).
Perhaps looking is not the way to 'find' it.
Perhaps I need to be 'taught' to see it, that there are those that DO see it, and it's teachable.
Maybe this is like seeing our own eyes without a mirror, impossible. Yet like an eye, the i exists even though.
And my original idea which was that it exists but is not 'findable'.

I bet there are more ideas about why i can't find it. These are the main ones, i think.

As to the i that had to deal with the rest of my life. where is it? hmmmm...... as that was yesterday, as i look for it, i see a kind of empty space.. a vacuum of some sort. i am getting it that it was not a real person who was doing that. hmmm... interesting... the memory of the 'me' of yesterday is actually a memory of a movie; never noticed that before. words were said, actions happend, but there is now no 'me' i can identify that was present when it all occured. Things just happened. No one made them happen. i see that now.

OK... applying that to this very moment as i type... the room and its stuff is just happening too, i see that. my sweetheart is sitting nearby, and he is ... not sure what he is.... hahaha! as for the one that is typing... let me try to find an i in here somewhere...

be back ....

[vinceschubert]

the memory of the 'me' of yesterday is actually a memory of a movie; never noticed that before. words were said, actions happend, but there is now no 'me'

Anki, was there ever a me ?