Dear Vince,
I had to take some Days to ponder on your questions. Here is my reply and a merry Christmas and much love for you.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No there was never a separate entity. “I” has always been a part of big Life. Before “I” was born and after “my” death.
2) Share your own words, what the illusion of a separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
The illusion of a separate self is that the brain always starts its narration with “I” “me” “my” and so on. The brain talks as if there is a person named Benedikte there is in charge of everything. It talks as if the things Benedikte thinks and does in the world can be judged as either good or bad. But there is no Benedikte in charge of anything. There is Life living Life in the form of Benedikte. The difference in my inquiry is that I am much less judgmental of my actions and thoughts and also in others. When I get caught up in thinking or feelings it is like a wakeup call to step back and let Life live Benedikte. If somethings go well, I enjoy it but I do no longer clap myself on the shoulder for that. And if something goes wrong, I don´t judge myself. It is what it is.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
I have a distance to my thinking, and I am not as caught up in it as I was before. I haven’t been interested in any search for feeling better. If I have listened to a podcast or watched a video on nonduality on YouTube it is from a curious place – and not from a “I hope this will make me feel better”. I laugh more of myself and my brain when I see it for what it is. A brain is like a machine that tries to protect me all the time. But it is not at very wise brain, and it takes on wayyyy too many jobs. But I am now on to it. I let life live me. I watch my experience, but I am aware that the watching is the experience. I am experience.
Much love from Benedikte.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, that made you look?
I am not sure…I have thought about this and I think it came with babysteps. Something that really landed in me is the part about there is no “me” that is responsible for Life. And that Life lives Benedikte with or without thought. I have noticed so many little things I do without even thinking about it like eating, sleeping, breathing, drinking, talking, taking a shower and so on. It just happens. Life living “me”. And the thing about “I am experience” also was a huge thing for me. For quite a while I saw myself as “the experiencer” and I watched the experience from a distance. But then I SAW that I am not the experiencer, but I am experience. And a huge amount of thinking went away. I don´t need to watch or observe anything because the observing is also experience. Life as Benedikte = experience. The only job I have in this Life is to experience it.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Life makes things happen. For example: It is like I do things and a nano second later, the brain comes in and say “hey let’s eat – you are hungry”. But there has been noticing, that the narrator in the head always comes in after the action. Seeing is happening. Listening is happening. Making a phone call is happening. Going for a run is happening. Sometimes it still feels like I have a decision to make but I KNOW now that Life makes decisions through me. When I have doubts I wait. I feel more relaxed in everyday Life because it is not up to me to make “the right decision” whatever that is. And it is not like I don´t do anything. Life wants me to do stuff. But there is less thinking and worrying about it – and that actually gives me more time to do meaningfull stuff.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
The only job I have in this Life is to Love and experience it. To love is the only responsibility as I see it. I take care of my children, my husband, my dogs, my parents, my friends, I love and support them. And myself. I take care of my body, I listen to what the body tells me. “Thank you body for being so kind to me and for doing such a great job” and so on. I can now only see the good in other people and even if people are being mean – I can see that it is because they are in a low state of mind. Love is my Homebase.
6) Anything to add?
Life doesn´t happen to me – but through me.
7. Describe how the illusion of an independent, self-came into being by giving examples from actual experience.
When we are first born in the beginning, we don´t think as our self as a separate one, but very early one we are being conditioned that we are a separate self. We are giving a name and so on. Our language is colored by “me” “mine” “I” and so on. And our society are built up on us being small separate selves that are responsible for our own little Life.
8. Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through this illusion.
In short: We are all one. We are. We are experience.
It is no longer up to me to ´run the show´. I am being loved, supported and guided by Life – like every being on earth. I don´t judge myself or others. And when I do (because I still have A human brain) I see it for what it is and I change direction. Nothing in my Life has changed but on the other hand everything has changed. My perspective in Life has changed. I can trust my intuition more. I have never trusted myself as I do now. Because I have seen that I am being lived. Life lives me through this person named Benedikte.
9. Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self:
It is not like one big bang and then I saw through the Illusion. It has developed gradually. And it is not so much the words shared from both Ilona Ciunaite or you my dear friend Vince – it is more my own investigation, the feeling, and the direction I have been pointed to.
But once I had a feel for me being lived – something clicked in me. I SAW that I did things without thinking about them, and that thoughts always come in after the action. The nano second later. I have a sense now that we are all one energy and I am filled with so much love for every human being on earth.
