Untie the lines! Stop shuffling and deal!

[vinceschubert]

Good morning Bennett,

This is awesome!....( and a not just a little disorienting)

Excellent (and good)

Keep orienting.

much love

vince

[CapnBoomer]

Morning Vince
Just wanted to let you know I will be out of town and out of touch for a few days (4-5). The wife and I are going on a much needed holiday. I'll be in touch when I return...or sooner if there is wifi and I have something to report. Right now I feel like I'm in between two dimensions not having completely let go of one or entered the other. A bit of back and forth happening. As best I can I am just going with it, letting it be, aware of the wanting it to be different...to be out of the pain,fear or general uncomfortableness of it all. What if none of that had to change or go anywhere?.....I ask myself...whoever (whatever) that is.
As the Fab Four sang
"Let it be, let it be...there will be an answer..let it be.

Big Love and Much Thanks

Bennett

[vinceschubert]

Enjoy Bennett. Talk soon(ish)

v

[CapnBoomer]

Hello again Vince...I'm back

Lots of doing and undoing. Some very stubborn and persistent story lines going on here. Sure as heck seems like I , this bennett thing, went off on vacation and laid on a beach, went hiking, ate out, enjoyed the view etc etc. Am i better off for it, or was it just another experience with no more or less value than going to work or taking a shit? The I story continues unabated. When I sit here and really consider if there is a doer of any of this , it is quite obvious there is not...there is just life happening. Then I go off "on vacation" and the doer is there in full force.... with all the controlling trying to happen, all the inner and outer conversations with me and the wife..where to go, and when...the tension, the fun, the arguments, the apologies, the laughter .....all of it... as if I am there and in control...and yet completely out of control at the same time.

I keep looking. Get all caught up in the story, the story of an "I", the story of control. Then I look and can see no one...no control...then plunged back into the stories and believing thoughts that arise....back and forth, back and forth.

The cracks are widening though. This ....no thought that arises is worthy of attention...apparently is taking a little "time" to undo. And I can see how that is ok..that is can and will take whatever time it needs.

Oh you've got it. You're just not happy with it. You think that if you settle for this that you're shortchanging yourself.
Of course, this is my story about Bennett. i really have no idea about what is actual.

This pointing keeps blowing me away. And the thoughts..."Really? This is IT? Just This? Could it be that insanely ridiculously obviously simple?" ....keep flowing in and out. When I let this really sink in it just blows everything out of the water..leaving nothing and nothing to grasp or hold onto. Which is both terrifying and a stupendous relief...a great and true Freedom. This is it..its all there is...and its enough..because its all there is. There is NOthing else.

So it is seeping in. The corrective virus is infecting all the systems. It is doing its work....inevitably so..."I" can just sit back and watch the show.

Thanks for the front row seat....or thanks for showing me I am in a front row seat.

Big Love and Gratitude

bennett

[vinceschubert]

Oh wow Bennett, reading your post left me with an amazing experience. Not Déjà vu but the body remembered how it was for me when i realized that THIS IS IT!

Could it be that insanely ridiculously obviously simple?"

Yes! yes yes. It is, but at the same time it's world changing (literally) ..and Ah, the freedom that is brings.
No need to listen to all those pesky thoughts anymore than you might notice the weather or a blade of grass. (although the weather and the blade of grass will blow you away when you do notice them - the thoughts are more like the sound of the refrigerator)

The I story continues unabated.

Yes, and it will. The only (huge) difference is that it is not taken to be carved in stone anymore.
i had an experience just after waking up where i had to talk to a room full of people at a friends funeral. i really didn't think that i could do the eulogy without breaking down. So i added a chapter to the story of vince where he could do it.
When the time came it went well. Oh, i did break down, but it was fine.
That simplicity is so huge that it shatters all of the old stuff into just words in a script.

with great love and excitement.

vince

[CapnBoomer]

Vince,
"Even This?" That's what I bring to whatever is showing up. Currently I am in the midst of a big pity-party for poor ole bennett and how fucked up he and the world are. So, somehow, even all these rotten feelings of just feeling bad about all the stupid shit I continue to do and the stupid shit humans do...I keep applying "Even This" to it all. Even as I pile drive myself deep into the misery of regret, confusion, frustration, and despair ..."Even This" is my universal application. "Somehow......Even This!....Even This is simply Life Life-ing..It has nothing to do with a "me". " .... I dont know how, or why,or for how long. I can drop all that mental maceration. I just keep coming back to "Even THIS" and hold on for the ride.
I feel like I am going thru some nightmarish addiction detoxification...a real case of the DT's. But what choice do I have at this point? It feels like my guts are being ripped out...no solid ground to stand on......guess that's the sound of beliefs being questioned and let go of.
Fuck it! I've come this far. I am just letting it all rip!

Big Love

Bennett

[vinceschubert]

Oh Bennett, painful but good stuff.

I feel like I am going thru some nightmarish addiction detoxification...a real case of the DT's.

Perfectly put. This is IT.
Some people go through what is termed as a "Dark night of the soul" https://eckharttolle.com/eckhart-on-the ... -the-soul/
The good part for you is that the intensity you are experiencing indicates a short sharp withdrawal.
i didn't go through this, which i imagine is because i spent well over 40 years looking to heal my psyche using everything from Gestalt therapy, Encounter groups, Mushrooms, Rebirthing, oh and i can't even remember it all. So much obsessive searching. So by the time i woke up there wasn't much left to detox from.
You on the other hand (..and this is my story about you) have spent a lifetime covering up shit with that effervescent personality of yours. Well, now the cover is blown.
Hang in there man. You have the tools.

Even This is simply Life Life-ing..It has nothing to do with a "me".

A great tool. A dart in the bulls eye of truth.

Fuck it! I've come this far. I am just letting it all rip!

Ha, yes. ..and the funny thing about it is that you have no choice about it. Life does this. THIS IS IT!

great love and empathy here

vince

[CapnBoomer]

Hey -ya Vince

Just letting the fires rage out of control...letting it burn what it will..as if I have a choice in the matter. In fact I keep throwing more beliefs,opinions, positions onto the blaze. I can see how it ALL has to go. And good riddance.!! I suppose they have served some purpose and appreciation is warranted. "Give Thanks in all things"...for Life ( G/D) is at work even here. Yup...Thanks so much, now....bye-bye!
Its like when you come home to see your house on fire and it is completely engulfed in flames and there no hope of saving a single thing...its almost a relief.....just let 'er burn to ashes.

Even THIS is IT

NO thought,or belief,or value, or preference is worth holding onto. They pop up and I just keep saying "yup, this too.." I know I am repeating myself, but its worth repeating to myself. At least right now it is.

I'm letting this take as much time as it needs. As if I have a choice!! And, besides, why would I be in a hurry. I want this fire to burn EVERYTHING.

Big Love and Thanks so much for the ongoing guidance .

bennett

[vinceschubert]

Good stuff bennett. See you when the flames have died down and the ashes are settling. (or whenever)

love

vince

[CapnBoomer]

And then there is the stuff thats to damp (soaking wet?) to burn. The stuff I am really attached to, the stories I havent been able let go of...they still cling to me like white on rice...as they say. I made a few potentially costly mistakes at work after days of effort...now potentially "wasted". Dumb mistakes...stuff I should have noticed. And that old-so-familiar story telling me this is just more evidence of what a loser I am comes blasting in at such a high decibel level that it drowns out all other possibilities. And then all the other evidence from my past crowds in to add their voice to the cacophony. What's the point...I AM a loser. Why bother.... I just fuck shit up. Patience, understanding, compassion, self-Love??? ha! No where to be found. This shit just wont catch fire and burn up with the rest of the story of 'me". It feels like its made of stone..... and is hanging around my neck.

Sorry for this shit again Vince..I must sound like a broken god damned record. I am even sick of it.
"Oh God save us...not this pitiful ridiculous story again?.... its so pathetic."

Maybe its true what my wife says...I need medication. Maybe this is some Dark Night of the Soul but maybe its just good old familiar depression and self flagellation.

Is all this crap IT too? How can that be? It sucks so hard!

Thanks in advance for your response and insights.
Big Love...(somewhere)

Bennett

[vinceschubert]

Hey Bennett, mood stabilizing drugs can have a place. They will do artificially what we are moving towards using the body's natural mechanisms. i can't know if they would be beneficial for you.
On the other hand this doesn't sound like depression to me. There's too much energy for that.
As long as your emotional state doesn't lead to anything harmful, i would stay with this, as painful as it is.
It is obvious to me that you are very focused on some future state where you don't fuck up. Well, I've got bad news for you. You will. i do. (i had 5 penalties in 9 holes of golf today - not that I'm comparing the pain levels) The thing is shit happens. It's not the shit that is the issue, but the way we respond when it does.
What you are going through is excellent fodder to change that.
Of course when stuff goes wrong and we have an emotional response to it, more shit happens because of the response. It escalates.
Sure i got the shits after hitting two balls in the creek, but by the time i was ready to try again, the anger had gone. This because i learned to laugh at shit when it comes around. It took practice. Before waking up, it was a daily routine to get frustrated (often at stupid things), then decend into anger. i easily lost a couple of hours to this. Maybe this is why i got bowel cancer by the time i turned 50.
Now it might happen once or twice a week (usually with my wife) but the anger isn't there. Just frustration that usually lasts minutes (if that)

Is all this crap IT too? How can that be? It sucks so hard!

Yes. Yes it is. Whatever is being experienced is IT. You are judging it. That is where the bulk of the suffering is.
Sure, it's fine to want it to be better than this. That is IT too. Wanting happens. Just recognize this too.
If laughing at it is too difficult, see if an intention arises to soften. To exhale and let the shoulders drop. Surrender to it in a willing way. This will break the momentum that would carry you into the next shit stor. One that might have been provoked by the previous one.
The thing about THIS (IT) is the inevitability of it. By the time that you are aware of what is happening, it is already finished. It has already happened. It can't be changed, so there's no point in wishing it was different. Oh, we can learn from it, but that particular happening is done. Gone. Adios Amigos.
Oh, and the lesson from it isn't how it could have been done better.
It's how the next one will be done with improvement. (and if that doesn't happen, it's still IT)
So yes, IT can suck.

Sorry for this shit again Vince..I must sound like a broken god damned record. I am even sick of it.

No need for "sorry". ..and although i'd like to see you happy, I'm not tired of it at all.
The compassion if feel isn't painful. It's love...

vince