Hello Vivien,
thank you so so so much for this post. This is so good. I have no words.
You are absolutely right.
You have some quite BIG expectations how seeing through the self should be like, but you are not seeing them as expectations. So please read post several times, to really let this sink in.
I did it. You are right. I have big big big expectations. I just realised it today... I will tell you more about them a bit latter in the reply.
This is one of the misperception here. It’s good if you can do some looking while sitting and not doing something else, but it’s not about just sitting and doing nothing else. This inquiry is not a meditative practice. If you just sit then a big gap can develop between looking/sitting and your everyday life.
Yes... Thank you for poiting this. It is like this.
You might not see it, but you treat this inquiry as a meditative practice, as if seeing no self would be about getting into all sorts of pleasant states. It is not that! You have to accept this, because if you don’t you are undermining yourself.
I didn't see it, but I saw this. Yes.
Look, when you are having a shower, making a dinner, eating, having a conversation with others, when you are working… we are not trying to avoid life, it’s not about becoming a sage on the top of the hill and stop having a normal human life. Can you see what I am pointing to here?
Yes!
I will continue here with your last question. It was amazing.
Can you let go ALL of your ideas? Or you are trying to hunt of your imagined version of how it should be?
I found out actually, that I have so many expectations and missunderstandings. I saw many of them today so I will write some of them below.
1. There is a way to stop suffering, so I have to go there.
2. Suffering is bad.
3. Not suffering is good.
4. I have to do this or that to stop the suffering.
5. I saw "a place" without suffering many times, so there is such a place.
6. My mission in life is to go there.
7. I have to work hard to do it.
8. People are bad, because they don't work towards this.
And there are ofcourse more. I maybe forgot to mention some of them.
So, what actually happens. When the mind is not so loud, a peace come. So the ME starts to describe it. Maybe, because if there is a verbal description, then it can "go" there again. But the problem with this is, that it is actually ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and not A THING. But the ME makes a THING from it and then wants to go back. I am not sure if there is a lot of desire to cling onto something. I watched this, maybe very little, but when there is SOMETHING that is made from FALSE identity, then expectation arises. When there is expectation, there is suffering.
So, after your reply today, there was a feeling of frustration, maybe because there was a life, with so many rules and efforts. But it faded. So I didn't really gave a F*** what will happen next. I was thinking "If it happens, will happen", I can not noctrol this.
Then later, I silence started to come. This was accepted as just something that is happening and comming and going.
Then I sat on the couch and this stillnes deepened again. So here I would like to tell you about my biggest fear of dying.
My parrents had many fears. So I maybe get this fear from them. After playing on PC for 17 Hours a day as a teenager I had something like panic attack and then a fear came that I could die. After this day I started seeking. I was depressed and I was constantly thining about, how we are going to die someday and why do we actually live. With the meditations it became better. Now I would say that I am healthy. This was before 12 years. But this fear from death is still with me.
Everytime the stillness comes then this fear arises somehow.
So on the cоuch today I just felt how the silence is comming. Then the fear came. But I thought "who will die" and what if I die. What do I expect to do here in general. If I die I will go home and the suffering will stop. So I just let this go.
So the stillnes deepened and I saw how massive this energy of the fear is. Then I started laughing a lot with some body convulsions and then I saw how the idea of expecting that to contiue arose.
I then said, if this continue will continue, if not it wont. And nothing really happened. It is jsut the thoughts that tell something. This came in waves 5-10 times. So then a time came when this was over and the other activities continued.
I do not want to speak about stillnes or peace, wanted just to mention that when I just accepted the idea of dying I actually didn't and I saw this energy more closely. So I wanted to thank you.
Dear Kamen, can you see that you are still grasping to identify with something, to say that I am this or that?
Yes, Ive been thinking if that is like this or not. I would say NO, but actually there is something that tries to explain everything. There is no fear of not holding onto anything. Maybe this is just the habbit of trying to label everything and to know everything. Anyway, doing this I make from NO-thing A thing. And then I expect to get there. And I then thing that there is SOMETHING, where is not. Because in reality what is seen is absolutely nothing with label "WOW, this is amazing".
Seeing that there is no separate self is not about moving the identification from the body-mind to “I am experience”. Can you see that this is still an identification?
Yes
What happens if you stop grasping for an indentity?
Can't say it is better or not, because the grasper has a pause.
Look… “I am this or that…” is just a thought!. Can you see this?
Yes
“I am experience” – is this any different in essence than saying that “I am the body-mind”? – Look and see for yourself that there is no difference between the two. It’s just more story to trying to BECOME something. Can you see this?
I know what happens. When the mind is still, a peace come. So there is nothing there and no one. The me character is seen as something instable. BUT it then comes and start putting labels - "Ah, yes, this is it baby, we are home." "Thats the place", "This is what the masters point to", "This is the message of Vivien". "I want to get there again", "If I stay here I will get rid of my traumas and pains". But the "state" itself is absolutely nothing. Zero. It doesn't want anything. It does not even exist. This is just a mind story. But then a BIG BIG BIG expectation comes. "Let s go there again". Yes, I see this.
I asked myself today. If I can never go "there" again, what? So after this, the expectation started to decrease it's power.
Knowing even taht this "there" is a mind story. But I accept this as well. It is how it is.
Can you allow to not have an identity at all?
I think yes. It is ok.
Can you allow that the expression “I am this” not to stick to anything?
This is huge. But now I saw how many expectations there are. I think they will be seen only as that from now.
Show me the one who is caught up in the illusion?
I can't find this.
Liberating for who? For the imaginary entity who sometimes being caught up in the illusion?
Yes.
Thank you so much. What you do is amazing and you are really good!
Much appreciation,
Kamen
