No. There is simply a current experience happening. This experience includes a story about a character that is known via thoughts and memories. What was considered the "separate" body is experienced now as a collection of sensations and images..1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
There is no ever! The simple answer is no. In order to answer that, there has to be a concession to "past" experience. The only experience is now and the presence of memories doesn't prove that there was a time that anything happened. But conceptually, during childhood, there wouldn't have been any actual character present then either. Just a spontaneous now.Was there ever?
What is meant by the "illusion of a separate self" is that, right now, there is a seemingly familiar constellation of thoughts and memories that are known ABOUT an assumed history of the life of a 35 year old man named Chris.The reality of this story and the past it's about cannot be validated in actual experience. Included in this story is the belief that there is an actual character present that has existed since being born, (which there is no memory of btw) that has learned, grown, experienced, made mistakes and thus, been molded into the "person" who experiences life, as something apart from everything, now. Thoughts are the only thing that asserts that this person (story) is real. Not only that, these automatically present, happening thoughts assert that they ARE this person. When it's looked at, it's found that everything present is BEING experienced and not DOING the experiencing. Including the experience of "the body" and thinking. EVERYTHING present is included in the experience. It's just happening.2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?
Well it brings with it a more relaxed awareness of the present moment (as if there were anything else). Acceptance or surrender used to be thought to be a DOING or a practice. It's not something that is being done by a "me". All experience is already here! Including feelings and everything. Whatever is present is already here. It's already been accepted because it's being experienced.3) How does it feel to see this?
But "seeing this" is a story and it just got weird lol. There's no actual Chris to see so...imagine a story where the protagonist feels things aren't what they seem somehow and spends all his time struggling to find out what is really going on only to find out he himself is the thing that isn't what it seems. That he is imaginary. What's left at that point? Just the current experience as it is. It's the only thing that is "real" or known for sure...and it is spontaneous and ever changing. Thoughts connect memories with the current experience and fill in the gaps with this idea of time and the "person" experiencing it. High strangeness. How weird is experiencing talking? SO weird.
I was looking to see separation (or non-separation) clearly. There was a lot of frustration. I started to resent that word lol. There was this seeming struggle to "get" what is meant by this word. Being convinced of character, there's no way to see outside of that perspective. There was just lots of conceptualizing this "belief in separation" and it was like digging a hole. Words are very tricky...or rather the interpretation of them...when it was seen that past is only present in thoughts, all the sudden "separation" turned into "oh the character is imaginary". Sometimes it just takes a different way of hearing or saying something. When you kept using the word "life" throughout the inquiry, that word was always interpreted basically as "a world of separate lives and experiences" when you started saying that "experience" is an alternate word, it made everything immediate and clearer.What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
The straw that broke the camels back was realizing it's always now. That whatever is present is just present. The dream analogy showed up and illustrated how the experience of an accepted story can seem real. It was like a string of little realizations successively. Any explanation to why or how things are present is just a story and changes nothing about the present experience. All the sudden, it was like everything we've been over and over clicked into focus. It's still happening.4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
Decisions/Choice. There are only thoughts about deciding. The EXACT MOMENT a decision is carried out can't be pinpointed. Whatever action is happening is sort of always experienced AS IT IS HAPPENING. In the middle of happening. Most of a day gets experienced without any actual thoughts of decisions. This can be noticed in actions like walking and talking...to driving and dishes...and then looked at closely in experiences that focus is experienced like playing music or building something. Also, the idea of decision making requires a concession to the idea of time. Thoughts connect the experience of a thought about doing something with the experience of some action happening and concludes or claims, "I did that, or, I chose that". It's all just being experienced.5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Intention. Another way to say that is the experience of planning or hope of a desired outcome. It's a subtle version of believing there is control. Expectations. It's belief that cause and effect will bring something other or "better than" what is already present. There's no control and no effort necessary. What is, is just what is. Intent present is just part of the character play.
Free will. Deciding is illusory. Like I described above, action happens as experience. Most of the time, by the time it's realized that something is getting done, some action is getting taken, it's well into the experience already. Like saying, "I'm gonna cook spaghetti". There's the thought that is experienced. Then some walking happens. Grabbing the noodles from pantry is experienced. Boiling water. If free will was real, every little movement would have to be deliberated and decided upon. It would take forever. It doesn't work that way. It's all automatic. Needs no self to explain doing.
Control. EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING ON IT'S OWN. There is just present moment experience. If you subtract time from the conceptual model of experience and stay with only now, there can be no control. Control and all of the above ideas are dependent on the idea of time. Of cause and effect. One thing leading or affecting another element of experience. There is no "leading to another" there is only this. (I don't say "this MOMENT" because that implies that there are multiple moments...there are not multiple "nows"...it's now...always). I don't think thinking can grasp that. This current experience isn't controlled by anything. Experience is effortless. It's happening. There is no choice in the experience of right now. All of it is already here.
Music has always been an "ability" for Chris. One day, in the story, at 15, a guitar was picked up and right off the bat it was like the hands knew what they were doing. He's been in love ever since. To this day, it's a part of the experience of life. It's natural. "Things" just happen. Any "how" or "why" or explanation of "meaning" is just a story. The color and experience of now (and the story) are "blessed", so to speak, by the experience of knowing how to play. There's real enjoyment and gratitude for this experience. It's nice.
In reality, there is no "me" to be responsible for anything. However, there is a story being played out and experienced. There is a cast of roles and characters. There is a family experience/drama being experienced. It's full of emotions and love and hardships...the whole 9. It's part of the play. Responsibility is one of the elements or intentions of the character in this family drama. It's seen that there is no control. Ultimately this is experience living life from the perspective of Chris (now dad) and surrendering to that is all there is, including the character's "responsibility" role. Even so, it's known that it's only a story of responsibility and that everything is just happening.b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
Trying to work around language's subject/object nature gets old so I'm gonna forego that to say this.
My 3 year old daughter is safe and happy. She's a wonderful bright light in this experience and her personality and ok-ness is just as it is and perfect. The experience of life is so sweet right now and it's not by any responsibility or control of "mine" that this is the case. It is what it is and it is sweet.
The story is great! I'm glad it's not going anywhere.6) Anything to add?
So many experiential realizations. My answers the first time were probably all intellectual. There were lots of expectations. Searching for something other than what is right in front of me. I thought I was trying to get answers right the first time. It's all good. And here we are :)And since you had been a blue member before but got turned back to green, I would like to ask you, what is the difference between when you first answered these questions and now? What has changed?
