Dear Vivian,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
1) No there is not, nor was there ever one. Only a belief.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
2)An unexamined assumption/belief that started as a small child perpetrated by parents, siblings, with the whole of society, language and literature perpetuating this falsehood.
It worked for me by making me feel responsible for things over which I had no control.
Thinking, and particularly thought provoked feelings sadness guilt shame frustration anger fear
All of the shoulds and should nots a lot of which I now see as happenings or givens.
I also see the beginnings of the falling away of some of these. I am sure this will continue as they are looked at in the way that Vivians pointing has taught me.
I am now formulating my own questions for instance in relation to the deeply embedded feelings over my dyslexia and all the beatings that made me fearful of writing anything as a child then carried forward through life. This can all be looked at from a different perspective now and seen as just happening but not by “the Peter”or the other apparent people involved.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
3)Wonderful, freeing, exciting, exhilarating, putting down the heavy load of junk piled on me by civilization,added to by me, and carried forward by me for so long as the illusory self.
Prior to the start of this dialogue I knew from the study done in India the books, the videos and insights that there could be no self as such but that was intellectual rather than anything else.
After all they couldn't all be lying down through the centuries especially where like LU, financial reward couldnt be seen to be the driving force.
Now the simple but certainly not necessarily easy act of looking, not thinking,using memory or assuming knowledge, just looking at what actually is. has cleared away the confusion allowing me to see that I was never who I thought I was.
The last few days has been a rollercoaster emotionally joy, sadness, peace, fear,regret all sorts have appeared and been welcomed/accepted as what is in the moment.
Ilonas' instructions to look behind and or talk to feelings is beginning as well.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
4) It was cumulative, certainly talking to my friend midway through the daily questions process describing what I was doing with Vivian's guidance and having the penny dropping moment of total clarity that when I said I no longer believed in an autonomous self.
It was completely true rather than wishful thinking. In that moment Peter was gone.
Yes it started in 2009 in Southern India going to Ramana Maharshi’s ashram, but It was LU and looking at Vivian's questions that was the final push.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
5)a) For me now decision, intention, free will, choice and control are concepts they may appear to be within the remit of Peter until they are looked at with honesty then they are seen to be thoughts happenings,imaginings no person needed.
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Keeping it simple. One example would be getting out of bed in the morning.
Waking at the crack of dawn then the thought appears OH!look it's only 4-30 am stay in bed, snuggling back under the duvet happens, then a possibly unnoticed thought appears and I am in the kitchen putting the kettle on, followed recently by switching on my laptop to read what Vivian has sent, and she always has.
It is all just happening.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
b) Precious little as I am just a story.
Some confusion here about this: the answer would be dependent on the perspective of the questioner.
By society norms when I walked the wrong way down the supermarket aisle yesterday against the arrows now taped to the floor, because I was preoccupied with finding some Oyster sauce, in the eyes of the assistant who asked me not to, I was responsible.
From my perspective now I wasn't, because they hadn't been noticed, so it just happened, therefore there was no embarrassment at being wrong nor irritation about being spoken to.
But even if it was done because I couldn't be bothered to walk round, that would have been brought about by a thought and they just happen. so again nothing personal because there isn't a person involved.
6) Anything to add?
6) Only gratitude for the LU experience Illona,Vivian and all the people I know nothing about who make it possible.
Of course there are no people really, so there is nobody to harbour resentments against or affections for they are simply both sides of the same coin, concepts.
The implications of that realisation are enormous. Wow.
Dear Vivian I have been typing for ages.
I would normally go over my answers looking for things to alter, but my answers unedited may reveal something I am not aware of that you might want to question.
So I am going to send it as is.
Peter :-)
