Hi Vivien,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
After much looking, no separate self was located anywhere. There never was a separate self. Just ideas about an imagined self.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self starts with a thought that says there is an entity ‘me’ in here, making decisions and everything else is out there, or separate from 'me'. Everything out there happens to or effects a ‘me’ in here. ‘Me’ becomes the conceptual centre of life. A deluded point of view from which all experience is viewed/perceived. The illusion of the separate self was revealed over the past 2 weeks. Up ‘til then the illusion was not known. Only read about and conceptualised. Whilst noticing was happening, ‘I’ only appeared to exist or come into being when there was a thought about ‘I’ which was triggered on that occasion by someone calling my name. At other times there have been a multitude of different triggers noted. The thought about a 'me' was more noticeable in the presents of others. Going back to the naming trigger, up to that point there was no ‘I’ awareness. Just the experience of being at work. No ‘I’ involved. That was a big Uhha moment. Other major triggers noticed could be grouped into ‘views’ and ‘preferences’. The illusory ‘I’ is transient. It’s not there all the time. A thought brings it into being. That was good to see. Wow, how was this not noticed before??.....lol
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Life feels a little lighter, calmer, somehow freer, curious, and even exciting. Thoughts aren’t running the show these days to the degree they used too. Sure they’re there, and there are some very old and familiar stories that come up often. Now they are recognised as just thoughts pretty much when they start most of the time. They are not generated by a ‘self’. This appears to diffuse, or at least dramatically reduce an emotional response to them. Often they now generate a laugh. But not always. This morning ‘I’ got triggered by thoughts around a long standing ‘view’ about being on time. Specifically others being on time. These thoughts felt uncomfortable and contracted and it was difficult to hide the frustration. At first there was a lot of thought effort being invested in trying to avoid the unpleasant thoughts and feelings and find more pleasant ones. At this point it was recognised that not seeing a 'separate self' doesn’t mean that there will be no more unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It is just unpleasant thoughts and feelings happening. Not happening to a ‘me’. And they did eventually disappear…
There has been a greater awareness of sensations, just being sensations. Whilst lying on the lounge yesterday there was the experience of feeling sensations in the body. But there was just awareness of sensations and no sense of even a body having sensations, let alone a ‘self’ in a body. Became clear that the body is experienced and not the experiencer.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
It was the realisation that we do not make choices. No chooser. So obvious, when seen. Was previously fascinated by the law of conditionality from a Buddhist perspective. But never saw it as clearly as now. The principles were understood, but it somehow did not register that conditionality relates to the rising and ceasing of ALL things. Every single thought, feeling etc. Including how I like my coffee. Experience conditions experience. This is so exciting.
The exercise you gave me earlier on was the starting point. When raising a hand off the table there was no self raising the hand. Just awareness of a hand raising. No chooser. Just a thought about choosing. When driving there has been no driver. Just driving happening. As well as listening (to the radio) as well as thinking. Everything was happening automatically.
I can drive a car now, because those conditions are present. Based on previously learning to drive a car. If I didn't have that prior learning, then I wouldn't be able to drive. So driving a car is a given. It just happens. No one controlling the conditions.
Yesturday cooking just started happening. No thought or decision or choosing to. Infact everything is just happening, and its difficult to pick out scenarios to demonstrate this, because they're not happening in isolation from everything else going on.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
There is no decider to make a decision. There is no chooser to make a choice. There is no controller in control. There is no free will. Whose free will? What free will?
Life just happens. Each moment of experience or awareness is conditioned by the previous. In this way we have already accepted 'what is'. In this last week there has been some time spent looking at realestate to buy. Now just seems to be the time. There has been plenty of internet browsing and thoughts about buying realestate on and off over the last 12 months. But didn't progress any further than an idea. No surprise there really. But on Friday it did progress to 7 properties scribbled on a piece of paper after an internet search. The properties arose as a result of a complex process of conditions, which led to an impromptu 'drive by' road trip which resulted in 6 properties scrapped from the list when seen. This culling would have also been as a result of conditions present, with some being from previous experience looking for property in the past. No 'me' choosing. This has left one property, which we're looking at tomorrow. At this stage anyway. Will be interesting to see what happens next. Nice to know that there are no decisions to make. Let alone right or wrong ones.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
What am 'I' responsible for? Nothing. No one thing can be contributed to 'me'. There is no control over anything, so the idea of responsibility would just be a ‘selfing’ thought about control. It is like accepting responsibility for the weather. ..Example. Am I responsible for the decision to ask LU for guidance? Same as asking if 'I' was in control of asking. There is no 'I' to be in control, or be responsible. This came about due to the presents of conditions. There was thoughts about thinking about it. And these thinking about it thoughts were present on a number of previous occasions over the past 3 years. Then this time around the doing just happened. So I'm not responsible, and either are the thoughts. It just happened.
6) Anything to add?
Seeing the illusory separate self has had a ripple effect too. Whilst at the supermarket there was the realisation that others don’t have a separate self either. We are not separate selves. We are somehow all connected with awareness. Not separate from it. It was a very heartfelt experience at the time. And another uhha moment. Also there was the realisation that others aren’t making choices either. They’re conditioned by/through experience too. Still waiting to see what effect this may or may not have on some previously established ‘views’. Plenty to investigate further.
Looking forward to comments,
Cheers,
Cxx
