Time to Jump!

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

who IS remembering this memory of observation? 

OK, this hit the nail (and quite hard), I think.

I was asking this question quite a few times.
Then it became very clear that the observation/question is just a memory.
It is not happening now. And what was "now" was quite a pleasant nothingness.

Then, every thought was perceived/seen as just a memory.
Thoughts mostly kind of "fell of" and the nothingness was more pronounced than the memory.

Then, during the day, thoughts were not happening in the usual way.
It felt like they did not have an anchor, so were just washed away, kind of.
(This was the dominant experience)
often I  could not even concentrate on the question/inquiry because it was immediately being washed away.
Also had a few moments of disorientation or when everything felt a bit blurry.


At the moment, the notion of no self is being felt in a much more visceral way. 
Lets see what tomorrow brings : - )


Thank you very much!
Riverwind

[Bananafish]

Hi Riverwind. :)


Great that you are noticing changes!
Please keep with it, and report what you noticed further.

You've been doing a great job!


Warm wishes,

Bananafish

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

Today, whenever I had time, I asked the question - who or what IS remembering this memory of observation/a question?

It was answered, every time, with a quiet and a peaceful state/feeling.

But in this state there was no volition to look.
Seeing the memory of the question was not living room for searching or responding to the question.
There was just being in this neutral state. 

Which left two options: keep returning to this state and see what will come up, or look for a different angle of inquiry.
A few times, I also asked - Right here and now, look- is there a concrete entity I can call myself?
The results ranged from the same state of quietness to the reply that no, there is no such entity.

If you have any directions/input/suggested adjustments to the inquiry, please let me know.
Otherwise, I will probably continue with this line and see how things unfold.

Thank you very much!
Riverwind

[Bananafish]

Hi Riverwind. :)


Yes, basically good although I have one advice:
don't care about any state, whether reaching or coming back to it.
None of those "states" have to do with this inquiry.


Please keep reporting daily, and post questions if needed.


Warm wishes,

Bananafish

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

This inquiry happened just now at the end of the day. I describe the way the process went.

1.I started by asking again "who/what IS remembering this memory of observation?"

2.Then I asked "who or what is investigating?" But I saw that this question too, was again just a memory.

3. So I changed it to: "Who/what is remembering this question about who is investigating?"

4. Then came an answer: "The one that is investigating exists only in the question!"
Or more accurately, only in the memory of the question. 

5. So no self/I/me/myself  exists outside of the memory of the thought. 
The one that searches does not exist outside of the memory of the thought about someone who is searching. 

This looks clear now.

But it is all not really "cooked", yet, so let's see how it looks tomorrow.

Thank you very much!
Riverwind

[Bananafish]

Hi Riverwind. :)

But it is all not really "cooked", yet, so let's see how it looks tomorrow.

Yes, it sounds to me that you are still using some logic to understand
something.

In the meantime, question yourself whether what is here and now
needs to be "cooked" at all.


Warm wishes,

Bananafish

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

it sounds to me that you are still using some logic to understand
something.

Yes, this is true.

question yourself whether what is here and now
needs to be "cooked" at all.

Hmm.. "cooked" implies gradual understanding.
And this is not about understanding. OK.

--
Today I was alternating different questions.
( if I stay too long with one question it temporarily looses its meaning and becomes like a mantra).

The question - "who/what is remembering the memory of this question?" still feels helpful.

There was also -"Find out if there is a concrete entity you can call yourself".
What came up was something like that the things that come up (sensations, thoughts), are not personal.

But really at the moment the most helpful thing is your pointing that its not about understanding.
Quite a relief, actually : - )

Thank you very much!!
Riverwind

[Bananafish]

HI Riverwind. :)

But really at the moment the most helpful thing is your pointing that its not about understanding.
Quite a relief, actually : - )

Yes. :) And careful not to make this another mantra, or not to interpret it
as something profound; I just mean it's not about understanding.


Now, please tell how "self" is felt to be.


Warm wishes,

Bananafish

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

Now, please tell how "self" is felt to be.

"self" is felt to be real, to exist.
Not as a separated entity though. 
Just life doing its thing. (in this case, thoughts, action, reactions, sensations, etc.).

Thank you very much!
Riverwind

[Bananafish]

Hi Riverwind. :)

"self" is felt to be real, to exist.
Not as a separated entity though.
Just life doing its thing. (in this case, thoughts, action, reactions, sensations, etc.).

If you were to give that "self" another name, other than "life," what would be
an appropriate name?


Warm wishes,

Bananafish

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

If you were to give that "self" another name, other than "life," what would be
an appropriate name? 

I had a few options that came in mind:
examples:
Awareness - could be appropriate but I have too many old connotations attached to it.
Emptiness - perhaps conveys best the feeling, that, if you don't mind the Buddhist connotations of the word.
Being - is like existence but in a verb form, so not bad.

The dreamer - this suits well to how I feel it today, because this day totally feels like a dream.

Yes, the experience of this day, is of a blur in high speed.
Doing this inquiry pops in sometimes but doesn't have much energy to it.
Strange...

Thank you very much!
Riverwind

[Bananafish]

Nice. :)


Is self felt to be a concrete "thing" separate from everything else?
Please tell me how it is felt to be.


Warm wishes,

Bananafish

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

Is self felt to be a concrete "thing" separate from everything else?
Please tell me how it is felt to be.

separated - no.
concrete -no. 
looking at it right now, it is felt to be nothing but memories, images, thoughts about "me" etc.

Thank you very much!!
Riverwind

[Bananafish]

Hi Riverwind! :)


How does it feel to see that?
Any noticeable changes from when we started the dialogue here?


Warm wishes,

Bananafish

[Riverwind]

Hi Bananafish,

Any noticeable changes from when we started the dialogue here?

In general, until yesterday, noticeable changes were the dropping of different things that seemed important, like opinions or the effort to understand, in favor of neutral looking (but not necessarily seeing) at what is. 

But yesterday was the first time that self was seen as not being a concrete thing but just memories/images/thoughts etc.

  How does it feel to see that?  

Whenever the distinction between what is concrete and images/thoughts/memories is seen/felt, there is a sense of confidence/trust. 
It can be described also as some sense/experience of grounding that was missing and now is not/less missing.

Often, for a short while, there is again the confusion between thoughts/memories, (including the self/me/I) and reality Then, there is the noticing of this and illusion is seen through again. 

It also happened today, that the confusion was stronger and was not seen through immediately and spontaneously and then, there was still the need to "inquire". But mostly it happened spontaneously, like the way the eyes focus themselves.

Thank you very much!
Riverwind