Freedom to be!

[nemesis]

the perceived fictional character of Eric.

There's a nice exercise about that:

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:

Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering, having a short break from work, walking, etc) before replying.

Enjoy :)

[Eric001]

Can it be known how tall the body is?

No

Does the body have a weight or volume?

No

In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

Not without opening the eyes

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?

No

Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

No

Is there an inside or an outside?

No inside or outside, just boundless space.

If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?

No inside

If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

No outside

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?

The human 'monkey-suit' that the character Eric is wearing

What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Sensing sensations, Smelling, Tasting, Hearing

[Eric001]

Missed one thing to the last question:

What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Seeing into the black empty boundless space (when eyes are closed)

[nemesis]

In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

Not without opening the eyes

And with eyes open the body has a shape/form?
Is 'seeing' really telling you this or is it already an interpretation like 'mango'?

Is there a body?

Seeing into the black empty boundless space (when eyes are closed)

Seeing 'something' (black empty boundless space) or just 'seeing'?
Is there an 'I' that sees or really just 'seeing'?

Is there something?

Nouns or just verbs? :)

[nemesis]

Hi Eric,

is everything okay?

[Eric001]

Hi Nemesis,

no everything is not ok. To be honest I don’t feel this enquiry is really working. I could give you completely correct answers, but they would be from my understanding of previous experiences of non-duality not from my present experience of reality. And the exercise I’ve and questions I’ve been getting aren’t helping me actually see/look any deeper. Not sure if I should just give up or not.

Best regards!
/e

[nemesis]

Different guides have different approaches and I'm quite certain there are many out there that would suit you well. So I'll ask for another guide if you want, that's completely up to you.

[nemesis]

I've informed the other guides, so if you want to be guided by another person, please just say so in this thread.

It's been a pleasure. All the best to you, Eric! :)

[Ilona]

Hi Eric.

I’m here to asisist. Let’s start from the beginning.

At the end of the day, all I hope to get help with is clarity on whether true deep looking a recognition of the illusion of self has happened or not. And if not, my hope is that a guided conversation might facilitate and be able to validate that outcome.

How does this look now? What would you honestly say?
And how do you feel about your answer?

Let’s take small steps and see where this takes you.

With love.

[Eric001]

Helle dear Ilona!

First of all thank you so much for being willing to help me. It's been quite tough here the last few weeks with a lot of emotional drama dominating the perception and hence reinstating a strong sense of separate self. The clarity that was experienced when reading your books just seemed to vanish as this drama unfolded with it's very sticky though patterns. So humbled to have this opportunity to move forward with you guiding. <3

How does this look now? What would you honestly say?
And how do you feel about your answer?

It still looks very much the same as in my initial post (and application answers). The initial perceptions of the selfless reality experienced while reading especially Gatecrashers have faded and I now have major trouble seeing through the self. Since the strong emotional drama arised it's like it's impossible to see that clearly the fact that there is no me/I.

I am still fully clear on that this deep looking and Truth-realisation in no way will change anything about the conditioning that is in place (in the subconscious mind) and the feelings/emotions carried in the stories of this conditioning. Hence, I do not have any expectation that a guided conversation would lead to the elimination of any strong painful emotions. I just hope to bring in some clarity on what is what and how to proceed without self delusion blocking the way.

[Eric001]

Love from Thailand! <3

[Ilona]

Thank you for honest answer.
I hear you, the intense emotions are making it difficult to see clearly.
Tell me, how do you see now, is emotions in the way of life happening or are they life happening? Do you need to do anything in order to feel them? Or are they felt automatically?
Can you stop emotions from being here?
Do they need your permission to be here?

To answer these questions first feel the emotion. Where is it in the body? Is it ok for that energy to be present?
Remember, it is safe to feel what you feel. And examine the energy called emotion. What do you notice? Describe in detail, what feels true.

Just allow that energy to be here. Don’t try to fix or get rid of it, simply observe.

Love from Lithuania.

[Eric001]

Hi Ilona,

thank you for these questions. The emotional drama is less today, so easier to look and see a bit clearer. Here are the answers to your questions:

Tell me, how do you see now, is emotions in the way of life happening or are they life happening?

As far as I can tell the emotions are not in the way of life happening, they are actually life happening. It's more like when they are real strong they dominate the life experience to the degree that the freedom to see that clearly is deprived and only suffering is experienced. But right now they are not so strong and hence it's possible to see.

Do you need to do anything in order to feel them? Or are they felt automatically?

Nothing seems to be needed by the perceived separate self for the emotions to be felt. However, the story that normally comes in the thought stream help maintain and even build up the feelings in a self-perpetuating loop that increases the suffering till the loop slows down and the pain subsides. Also this process seems ultimately automatic in some sense. So it all seems quite automatic actually.

Can you stop emotions from being here?

Well I have noticed that if I can maintain the discipline of doing some proper Qigong practice then the system seems to harmonies and the emotional wave tends to subside and drop away. However, if the drama is full-on then that option isn't really available.

Do they need your permission to be here?

Permission would entail a high level of self mastery for it to be on the menu as far as I can tell, so no. Instead the feelings seem to come and play out automatically most of the time (with the rare exception of when they can be handled by some harmonising practice like Qigong).

To answer these questions first feel the emotion. Where is it in the body? Is it ok for that energy to be present?

Most of the time the energy associated with the strong emotions are felt in the belly. And if I have mindfulness enough available to direct awareness to the sensations in the body, then the energy in the belly is ok to handle and it's ok for it to be there. It's kind of safe for the energy in the body to be sensed. However, when I'm strongly triggered and in drama this level of mindfulness seems not available and then no redirecting of awareness away from the story in the head is possible.

Remember, it is safe to feel what you feel. And examine the energy called emotion. What do you notice? Describe in detail, what feels true.

Now when I'm less triggered I can still feel a clear contraction and unease in my belly. When sensed more closely it seems to have the quality of a clenched fist (i.e.e a contraction contracting in on itself). It's located at the hara level (just below the navel) and has the size of a grapefruit. Feels slightly warm and hard like wood. Seems to have a darkish vague colour. It's persistent and quite constant in its shape and degree on contractedness.

I'm not sure if the lass paragraph in the answer is in line with what you where asking about when you asked me to describe in detail the energy called emotion, but I hope so.

Love from Koh Phangan!
<3 /e

[Ilona]

Thank you for answers. Let’s look closer.
Realising no self in other words is realising that everything is happening. There is no doer, no manager, no controller, no observer, but there is life flowing freely.
You already see that emotions too are happening automatically, without control.
Now, intense emotions are here to be felt. They come to be felt fully, freely, without making them wrong. That’s the freedom. To feel all- the highest high and the lowest low. All is included in the experience show called human life.

I invite you to focus on the Energy in the belly and allow it to be here, to be seen, allowed, welcomed.

Drop a question into it and see what comes up for the answer

- what do you want the most?
- what do you want me to know?

Write to me what you get.


Love..
Ps, I am renting a house from a family that is currently in your little island. Small world! :)

[Eric001]

Hi dear Ilona,

I've now been staying with the sensations in my belly for a few hours (with some breaks) and here are the results of this exploration.

I invite you to focus on the Energy in the belly and allow it to be here, to be seen, allowed, welcomed.
Drop a question into it and see what comes up for the answer
- what do you want the most?
- what do you want me to know?
Write to me what you get.

I rest my awareness in the belly and allow the sensations of contraction to be there and as I ask the questions a number of answers seem to be arising in a flow of thought. Here are some of these.

Q1 (What do you want the most?):
- To be seen, heard and lovingly held
- To be free to be and feel
- To move and transform
- To be unconditionally accepted

Q2 (What do you want to tell me?):
- Don't be so hard on yourself
- Relax and breath
- Trust the process
- This too shall pass!
- You are loved!
- Actually you are Love itself!

Regarding the wisdom you shared about the truth realisation being the realising that everything is just happening, and that there is no doer, no manager, no observer, Instead only life flowing freely. Although I have had some experiences along these lines, I still feel a deep longing to clarify a couple of things I find very confusing. I hope that is ok, even if it might seem theoretical. These questions come up often in me and seem to be hindering deeper trust in looking. Here are the main questions:

1) If it is really true that there is no doer/controler/manager/no-self that has any effect at all on the natural free unfolding of life, how come it seems like we are creating our own perception of our lives from the beliefs we hold (e.g. the belief "I'm not lovable" leading to highly dysfunctional intimate relationships that feedback this belief)?

2) Aren't we in some level of reality actually individuated fragments of consciousness itself that in our confusion (and from our conditioned subconscious beliefs) create the whole of our twisted separate sense of self experiences, instead of being clear and directly experiencing the natural unfolding of life without the warped interpretations creating suffering and often dysfunctional reactive behaviour?

3) I mean how come it makes any difference how I relate to the emotions arising? To meet and allow then in contrast to just fighting or avoiding them (as in the above exercise). Doesn't this exercise imply that "Am-ness" (Consciousness) lost in identification with the character "Eric" and "his" arising emotions (from "his" subconscious programs) actually in some fractal of reality has some kind of choice? I mean how else could work as this guiding you help with actually work, if there was no choice at any level? Why would it help that the illusion of a self (i.e. Eric) starts facing his emotions and even talking to them in this dual language way?

To me it seems like there are different "universal laws" at work at different levels of the fractal manifestation of Consciousness/Life. The fact that in clear seeing of Reality there quite obviously exist no self (no choice, no free will, and so on) doesn't necessarily seem to apply to the fractal level of "the human story line" where there instead seems that in the "illusion" of choice there actually appears choices that need to be made wisely and wilfully. Isn't that the very "Dance of Lila", Consciousness/"God" being lost in its own creation and creating more confusion and illusion in this state of confused identification?

Again apologies for these questions if they in any way might be distracting to the guiding process, but to me these questions are unfortunately central and seem needing answers for there to be any level of coherence and clarity of mind enough to be able to look deeper.

Love!
<3 /e