Being in awareness

[SaraStar]

Hello dear Jadzia, wonderful guide :-)

Soooo........

with eyes closed one can only be sure of movement.

Now look carefully, what is movement in AE?
Don't worry if you don't come up with an answer right now, just let the question sink in, we will return to it.

Here is my process....I woke at 06.00 (our nights are somewhat disturbed because the dogs now sleep in our room as opposed to downstairs :-)!!), let the dogs out and fed them. I had a cup of tea then went and lay down for a while to focus on our conversation.
Jadzia...I closed my eyes, let all thoughts just float about and focused on something I read: "when reading a book just focus on the paper, not the words. You always knew the paper was there but only focused on the words but the paper can always exist, the words cannot exist without the paper/screen". This equals the 2 in 1 picture we talked about in the 3D photos.
I realised I am the paper and everything else is experience happening on the paper but I, the paper, is always there - words or no words!!!!!! In this state I just let go and saw no boundary between 'me' and the bed, and everything went very still - Jadzia what happened was floating in peace, in everything. From there I asked "what would need for movement to happen?". At this point I think I must have dozed off.
However....later in the day, as I was walking, the question came back and the answer to your question about movement and AE seemed to show up as "impulse" - movement in AE is just impulse. Prior to this I had thought about raw AE and movement in this way: "oh...raw experience shows one thing moving in front of another thing (feet/legs/arms) but that still implied some sort of understanding of the label 'movement'.
So...still walking it came to me that moving possibly comes out of purpose e.g. moving hands with knife and fork in order to eat. But still, I queried, "isn't 'purpose' also a label?". Then the question came: "what is needed, prior to purpose - or better still forget 'purpose' - in order for things to activate themselves?" and then the answer came: Impulses. So that is the answer that came.
BUT....what happened as the answer came, and I was still walking, was the most amazing lightness as I walked - as if there was nothing weighing me down - as if I was just a thin sheet of paper with all these experiences trying to write themselves down on me but I just observed them without them 'sitting on me'. A thin sheet of paper drifting in the snow and ice watching experiences but not letting them be written on me - WOW WOW WOW!!! It's odd though going back into a building with people and watching out for the dogs etc. - suddenly the paper had words like 'responsibility for the dogs' etc. written there. How did that happen?

Finally, there is this sense of sensing sensation but I'm not doing it, there is no doer of this sensing so I don't know how the presence of sensing is there or what it is but it's like a base level of being in being and sensation.

Is there a difference between sense of sensation and the sensation?

. By sense of sensing I think I meant something like a presence of observation or maybe just being present in sensation or a being of presence observing sensation - I'm not sure what really. But yes... there was a difference between the sense of sensation and the sensation and that difference is what I've just tried to describe. Does it make any sense at all?

Dear Jadzia, it was like you were in my mind. I saw your message just as I had finished pouring my Sekt :-)!! Thank you for suggesting that - we are of one mind :-).

Love
Sara

[SaraStar]

Hello dear Jadzia, wonderful guide :-)

Soooo........

with eyes closed one can only be sure of movement.

Now look carefully, what is movement in AE?
Don't worry if you don't come up with an answer right now, just let the question sink in, we will return to it.

Here is my process....I woke at 06.00 (our nights are somewhat disturbed because the dogs now sleep in our room as opposed to downstairs :-)!!), let the dogs out and fed them. I had a cup of tea then went and lay down for a while to focus on our conversation.
Jadzia...I closed my eyes, let all thoughts just float about and focused on something I read: "when reading a book just focus on the paper, not the words. You always knew the paper was there but only focused on the words but the paper can always exist, the words cannot exist without the paper/screen". This equals the 2 in 1 picture we talked about in the 3D photos.
I realised I am the paper and everything else is experience happening on the paper but I, the paper, is always there - words or no words!!!!!! In this state I just let go and saw no boundary between 'me' and the bed, and everything went very still - Jadzia what happened was floating in peace, in everything. From there I asked "what would need for movement to happen?". At this point I think I must have dozed off.
However....later in the day, as I was walking, the question came back and the answer to your question about movement and AE seemed to show up as "impulse" - movement in AE is just impulse. Prior to this I had thought about raw AE and movement in this way: "oh...raw experience shows one thing moving in front of another thing (feet/legs/arms) but that still implied some sort of understanding of the label 'movement'.
So...still walking it came to me that moving possibly comes out of purpose e.g. moving hands with knife and fork in order to eat. But still, I queried, "isn't 'purpose' also a label?". Then the question came: "what is needed, prior to purpose - or better still forget 'purpose' - in order for things to activate themselves?" and then the answer came: Impulses. So that is the answer that came.
BUT....what happened as the answer came, and I was still walking, was the most amazing lightness as I walked - as if there was nothing weighing me down - as if I was just a thin sheet of paper with all these experiences trying to write themselves down on me but I just observed them without them 'sitting on me'. A thin sheet of paper drifting in the snow and ice watching experiences but not letting them be written on me - WOW WOW WOW!!! It's odd though going back into a building with people and watching out for the dogs etc. - suddenly the paper had words like 'responsibility for the dogs' etc. written there. How did that happen?

Finally, there is this sense of sensing sensation but I'm not doing it, there is no doer of this sensing so I don't know how the presence of sensing is there or what it is but it's like a base level of being in being and sensation.

Is there a difference between sense of sensation and the sensation?

By sense of sensing I think I meant something like a presence of observation or maybe just being present in sensation or a being of presence observing sensation - I'm not sure what really. But yes... there was a difference between the sense of sensation and the sensation and that difference is what I've just tried to describe. Does it make any sense at all?

Dear Jadzia, it was like you were in my mind. I saw your message just as I had finished pouring my Sekt :-)!! Thank you for suggesting that - we are of one mind :-).

Love
Sara

[Jadzia]

How are youn doing?

Love,
Jadzia

[SaraStar]

Didn't you get my long post Jadzia...? It's odd because I sent it early yesterday evening but saw it hasn't posted so sent it again. Has it not shown up? I wondered why I hadn't heard from you 🤔🤔🤔. I wonder why you can't see my post. I hope you can see this 🙏🙏🙏
Love
Sara

[Jadzia]

Tsk, now you posted again the original post turned up, too. Unluckily sometimes a post disappears....

I woke at 06.00 (our nights are somewhat disturbed because the dogs now sleep in our room as opposed to downstairs :-)!!), let the dogs out and fed them.

Don't they just have a way to get closer to their team? :-)

I realised I am the paper and everything else is experience happening on the paper but I, the paper, is always there - words or no words!!!!!!

Here one could ask the question:
Is the paper ever changed by the different words?

In this state I just let go and saw no boundary between 'me' and the bed, and everything went very still - Jadzia what happened was floating in peace, in everything. From there I asked "what would need for movement to happen?". At this point I think I must have dozed off.

What a beautiful experience. I call this experiences carrots - give the donkey a carrot now and then and it will trott on.
These kind of experiences strenghten or give wonderful insights which stay. These experienceare here to enjoy while they happen and then the best is to let them go or in your case dozing off. ;-)

and then the answer came: Impulses. So that is the answer that came.

Solid answer! Plus another beautiful experience not to cling to and being open handed, no holding.

But yes... there was a difference between the sense of sensation and the sensation and that difference is what I've just tried to describe.

We will look deeper into this when looking at senses soon, then it will be clarified.

Do the same again: let the answer to the one question above disappear and share again what you find - I am sure looking forward to your next post.

Love,
Jadzia

[SaraStar]

Ooh I'm so so pleased Jadzia 😄.

I love this question:

I realised I am the paper and everything else is experience happening on the paper but I, the paper, is always there - words or no words!!!!!!

Here one could ask the question:
Is the paper ever changed by the different words?

No... If the paper is infinite presence/ consciousness/source then all the words just come and go, like thoughts and perceptions etc. How can the essence of paper be changed by the words upon it? Paper is itself, words cannot change it.

Short but sweet, I hope ☺️.
Have a good night's sleep Jadzia
Love
Sara

[Jadzia]

No... If the paper is infinite presence/ consciousness/source then all the words just come and go, like thoughts and perceptions etc. How can the essence of paper be changed by the words upon it? Paper is itself, words cannot change it.

Yes. Also keep in mind that infinite presence/ consciousness/source are concepts - or can you find any of the three in AE?
It is ok to try to describe something - but is the description ever that what it describes?

Is there any difference between the piece of paper on which the words appear, a book and words?
Avoid trying reasoning, just carry the question around for a while and do your Sara thing with it. :-)

Love,
Jadzia

[SaraStar]

No... If the paper is infinite presence/ consciousness/source then all the words just come and go, like thoughts and perceptions etc. How can the essence of paper be changed by the words upon it? Paper is itself, words cannot change it.

Yes. Also keep in mind that infinite presence/ consciousness/source are concepts - or can you find any of the three in AE?

No...I can't find these in AE :-)!

Is there any difference between the piece of paper on which the words appear, a book and words?
Avoid trying reasoning, just carry the question around for a while and do your Sara thing with it. :-)

'Sara thing' coming up :-)!!
Sooo...today it was more: car, road and driver and snow, skis and 'Sara' rather than book, paper and words. But it helped me find my way back to the book/paper/words question.

So there's a 'Sara thing' sitting inside a 'car thing', going along a 'road thing'. Touching, feeling and seeing is happening. There is movement but is it the 'car thing' or the 'road thing' moving? Seeing is everywhere and it's not limited to 'eye things'. As the 'road thing' seems to slip past the 'car thing' all is being seen and the 'Sara thing' sees that all is reliant, one upon the other. It feels like everything is together being this thing that results in getting to the place.

Skiing was the same: skis, piste, 'Sara thing' - all had to be one to be able to let what was happening happen.

There was much thought about how all of this could relate to book, paper and words and this is what was found when I got home and grabbed a book... Yes, I could say that I am touching something that is quite solid and it is full of things that are less solid but still are tangible. These things have stuff on them that requires my attention - words. We say "oh I read/am reading a book" but what does that mean? I actually use a Kindle mostly but I'm still reading a book but it's not what a book is meant to mean - the label denoting book has changed itself to anything that has words on it. Sooooooooooo.... here's the thing:
Relating the above two experiences from today, what showed up was: none of what was happening felt like each bit was happening distinctively separately or differently from another bit. It felt like everything needed to be in everything for it to happen. I started to feel this flowing feeling (I wish I could say that about my skiing in general!!!!!) that meant everything was just as one, doing what had been activated. So from this experience and in AE as I now look at a solid, non Kindle book, I could say "well, of course there's a difference - the cover is hard, the paper is light and the words create the information BUT...suddenly what shows up is all of it being one in what it is being/doing.
So no...you can't have a book without pages or words, the words relying on the pages which rely on the book in the same way that in order to ski there had to be skis, a piste and the 'Sara thing'. In the same way it is found in AE that there is no difference because it is all one as it appears - no difference is found - it's purpose is one - it is all one within itself.
So perhaps the word 'book' answers the question as I sit here with 'book' I see everything required for the purpose of reading and I approach it without any awareness of difference between the book (which is what exactly? Is it the cover, the pages, the words?), the pages or the words.
BUT WAIT...
Back to the question 'what is appearing as 'book''? It's sitting here with me and all I see in AE is 'something' and there is seeing. In AE, without labels, is there any way I can know that there is anything inside - only 'thought knowledge' tells me that. So without 'thought knowledge', unless by pure accident/coincidence, I don't know that it can be opened.
Hmmmmm.....open the book...words, paper, cover - all being one thing that it is. Difference isn't there because here and now there is nothing separate - it is all together being one.

Jadzia

Is there any difference between the piece of paper on which the words appear, a book and words?

here is my AE answer after doing my Sara thing :-)...
No difference when everything is as one.

Love
Sara

[Jadzia]

Yes. Also keep in mind that infinite presence/ consciousness/source are concepts - or can you find any of the three in AE?
No...I can't find these in AE :-)!

We need to use words and that is ok, but no word really describes what is taken in by senses. No word ever comes on its own, but with a whole string of words and supposed meanings.
Just think of the blob of colour, which thoughts puts together by different labels as car: tyres, wheel, seats and so on.

Now just for a moment consider what thoughts tell about Sara -all the "Sara is ..... and she is..... and this and that....."
These all are labels, description of Sara. Some descriptions feel good others feel not so good.
With no entity found, no controler, thinker, decider, action maker where do this descriptions point to?
And do they have any power other than the belief in them?

Now consider what thoughts tell about me, mine - all the "my car".... " my skies"..."my husband"...."my feelings".
This is a whole assortment of a lot of different things or beings.
With no entity found, no controler, thinker, decider, action maker where do all these me, my, mine point to?

Now consider that the story of Sara is like a film.
Is there any difference between the screen on which the film runs and the film and the Sara actor?

Take your time for this and share what you find. Don't hurry, enjoy the fun, and take breaks.

Love
jadzia

[SaraStar]

Jadzia, Jadzia, Jadzia - all words, one word for something, many things, nothing but everything and everything I put to the word Jadzia is bigger than that word and totally different from what others put to that label. Everything that is guiding me to finding nothing exists is in this word. Within this word is a vastness of something for which there are no words. All I know is that I am beyond words to express what is happening here.

We need to use words and that is ok, but no word really describes what is taken in by senses. No word ever comes on its own, but with a whole string of words and supposed meanings.
Just think of the blob of colour, which thoughts puts together by different labels as car: tyres, wheel, seats and so on.

😉☺️

Now just for a moment consider what thoughts tell about Sara -all the "Sara is ..... and she is..... and this and that....."
These all are labels, description of Sara. Some descriptions feel good others feel not so good.
With no entity found, no controler, thinker, decider, action maker where do this descriptions point to?
And do they have any power other than the belief in them?

They point nowhere, to nothing, I find nothing as I sit and let things just be... No labels, no thought just letting what is be what is... There is no me, mine, I, Sara. This is stunning... There is nothing as I sat on the T-bar lift today just letting be. I can't find words to describe the being in and of everything but still aware that attention was needed so I got off in time or I didn't fall. The same I did while driving, all there was was being, no... Not even that but still something making sure I didn't drive carelessly but there was no me, I, a doer or controller making sure I was doing something correctly... There was only everything and nothing yet still... What was keeping me safe?
All this occurred as I let the story and descriptions of 'Sara' just mull around, trying to find where they went back to. This was such a powerful exercise because mostly there was no power in them apart from one story which seems to want to hold on (in spite of all the work I've done trying to let it go).

And do they have any power other than the belief in them?

5 years old in Berlin, Easter Sunday sitting on my mother's bed. The Oster Hase/Easter bunny was coming. My mother said I couldn't go with my sister and brother because I had piggy eyes, I looked like a pig. From that day forwards I wasn't allowed potatoes or desserts etc. From that day forwards my whole family called me the fat one - from photos I see that I wasn't but I became overweight. For the most part the story has weakened but the BELIEF seems to still be there and, at 62 years of age, I still dread seeing my family if I'm a bit overweight.
Jadzia this 'belief' - or piece of stuck tree branch in the flowing river - is old and still holds on like it is glued to me - as if the words and the belief still makes my body look how it looks. It is only words but the belief that was created about who I was - fat pig - and what I look like has spent most of my life creating an illusion, or delusion, of control over the state of my physical being.
As I said, it is a lot weaker now and as I sit in the nothingness there is no body but... But somehow there is still a shadow and I would love it to also become nothing - dissolve the belief and its power.

Now consider what thoughts tell about me, mine - all the "my car".... " my skies"..."my husband"...."my feelings".
This is a whole assortment of a lot of different things or beings.
With no entity found, no controler, thinker, decider, action maker where do all these me, my, mine point to?

Again, words... So I 'thought' about this and in doing so found the word 'belong' and that showed me in AE nothing was mine because nothing belongs so there is no 'mine'. In AE I found no belonging or 'mine'. The same thing happened... I, everything, all just went back to what I can only describe as nothing.

Now consider that the story of Sara is like a film.
Is there any difference between the screen on which the film runs and the film and the Sara actor?

This is like the book, paper, words... In AE there is absolutely no difference. I watched the film as I 'floated' up on the piste lift. I watched the story of Sara, everything passing across the screen - no difference, all one. I guess the only difference could be that the screen is always there while the story is only passing through but as I watch it in AE, I have no label or thought knowledge of that, and it is all one, no difference.

Jadzia... This is beyond anything but how is it that we go to just being /is and then have to come back to interacting with this 'life' and all the illusion? How is it that there is this story if in AE there is nothing at all (not forgetting that thing that keeps me safe while driving)?

I hope I haven't rambled too much... This was all seen as I practised AE - this is all that showed up.
Love
Sara

[Jadzia]

Beautiful work Sara!

Lets look at what you wrote.

All I know is that I am beyond words to express what is happening here.

This is known to happen. ;-)

I can't find words to describe the being in and of everything but still aware that attention was needed so I got off in time or I didn't fall.

Is there a one needing attention? No, right? Getting off in time or falling just happens.

This was such a powerful exercise because mostly there was no power in them apart from one story which seems to want to hold on (in spite of all the work I've done trying to let it go).

There is no one to let go.
The story stays, sometimes running through not sticking and sometimes getting sticky, both is fine.

What does one do when it sticks?
There is only allowing of what is there. No, never ever, pushing anything away.
Thoughts might appear "Oh, not again, I am so and so old now and it still hangs around, why? WHY?"
No answer needed.
With the professional training you have you know that sometimes pain can get like frozen up, getting stuck, appearing again and again in many forms. There is one way to thaw it, to release it and it is by fully acknowledging every single bit of it, to allow it to unravel. This doesn't always feel nice, but with the insight that there is no entity Sara to whom anything can stick, it is not that difficult to release. It is like totally allowing the pain, the frustration, the anger and just looking what there is and embracing and loving it like a loving mother loves her kid, odd stuff and all.

Practically:

Jadzia this 'belief' - or piece of stuck tree branch in the flowing river - is old and still holds on like it is glued to me - as if the words and the belief still makes my body look how it looks. It is only words but the belief that was created about who I was - fat pig - and what I look like has spent most of my life creating an illusion, or delusion, of control over the state of my physical being.
As I said, it is a lot weaker now and as I sit in the nothingness there is no body but... But somehow there is still a shadow and I would love it to also become nothing - dissolve the belief and its power.

Going into it there might be physical sensation, it might be a tightness in the chest, a feeling in the stomach. Go to it, feel it, let it spread as wide and far as it needs to. Breath but don't breath it away, allow it. At times it might feel overwhelming, but it will never be too much to bear.
When it is allowed to be really felt and to spread it might thin out and disappear. If not, go as far as you like and repeat it in a few hours.
If it disappears, have a good look if it hid something, another sensation, if yes, do the same. Go as far as you like and repeat it in a few hours.
That is the way how you go. Love, compassionate looking and acceptance.
Thoughts will appear, let them run, try not to fall for them. If falling for them happens, fine, you noticed, disentangle again.
Emotions will appear, fine, don't fall into them. If falling for them happens, fine, you noticed, disentangle again.
Breathe. Stay with the physical sensations.

Why all this? Letting go of the illusion of self starts an unravelling process. Beliefs will come up, identifications will come up, whatever - it might be quite a busy time. There is so much connected to this illusion, it all has to come down over time. This is just the beginning.
Will there be beautiful, blissful times, yes, nice but irrelevant. They might stick for a while, they will pass. Life happens.

Jadzia... This is beyond anything but how is it that we go to just being /is and then have to come back to interacting with this 'life' and all the illusion? How is it that there is this story if in AE there is nothing at all (not forgetting that thing that keeps me safe while driving)?

It is one and the same. Not one is more important than the other. It is part of the dance.
Give yourself some time, some things will be known others not.

Take time to allow everything coming up with this belief/hurt of yours. Keep in mind what really is and what isn't and treat the belief/pain as you beloved child and all will be well.

Share whatever you like.

Love,
Jadzia

[SaraStar]

Taking some time dear Jadzia to look at the power of belief and where it is in AE.
Will write tomorrow.
Love
Sara

[Jadzia]

Thanks for giving notice.
Take all the time you need. Do it light heartedly, all is only a figment of memory now, nothing that could hurt you now.

Love,
Jadzia

[SaraStar]

Hello Jadzia :-)

I'm not going to use any quotes here today. What I want to say is still not known as I write so I want you to know that while I was being in the exploration I did my utmost to remain in AE. Everything that I say here has come out of AE moments (even though they're not AE here and now). This could be long, this could be short depending on what needs to appear from the past 48 hours....

Metaphor has always been a helpful way of pointing to something behind the intended meaning (in previous experience). So a river was the metaphor, especially as I was walking along one and looking at what was and wasn't flowing or stuck. Just seeing things flowing in the river or things stuck was a good way of seeing whether I'd make a judgment about things not flowing ('as they should'!!!!!).

Trying to see 'fat' stuck and not flowing in that river - what would it be? Then in AE I searched for 'fat' - hmmm I know what 'a fat person' means and I saw that I am not that. I said the statement out loud that my mother made and answered in AE: 'piggy eyes' - are these known here and know (in fact, were they known there and then?). Then a conversation appeared:
"you are fat"
"no, I'm not fat, I am Sara"
"who is Sara?"
"Sara is a story"
"about what?"
"I don't know"
"so where/who is 'fat'?"
"I think it was a belief that came from a mother"
"Did she make you have that belief too?"
"It would seem so"
"She gave you two beliefs then: one about the Catholic Church and one about being fat. You let go of the Catholic Church belief so was the fat belief more powerful?"
"Hmmmm, yes, I guess so"
"So your mother's story and belief about 'fat' was stronger than her 'catholic church' belief?"
"Yes, now you put it like that, it must have been because the 'fat belief' was pounded into me every day - Catholicism wasn't"
"So d'you think 'fat' was just like an infusion, a daily injection, that had nothing to do with you?"
"Gosh, yes, now you put it like that"
"Can you let go of the belief/the story of 'fat'?"
"It's sticky"
"Does fat exist here, now in AE for you?"
"Without using labels, no. With 'thought knowledge' I can feel my jeans are tighter than I'd like - but that's all concept and thought and imagination etc"
"So no belief of 'fat' belongs to you. Sara is only a story where a 'fat' belief was forced on to her like being forced to do something against her will.... How would you react to that storyline?"
"I wouldn't - no reaction - just understanding - relief"

Well....I don't know where any of that came from. There was a bit of an inner conversation but this has just showed up of it's own accord here and now!

So - A very powerful belief

Now just for a moment consider what thoughts tell about Sara -all the "Sara is ..... and she is..... and this and that....."
These all are labels, description of Sara. Some descriptions feel good others feel not so good.
With no entity found, no controler, thinker, decider, action maker where do this descriptions point to?
And do they have any power other than the belief in them?

that I have discovered is a label that was forced into the Sara story and had consequences. Now I see that it is merely the belief that has held on like glue and the data banks never got updated!!!

This exercise Jadzia has shown me that, even if I am a bit heavier than I'd like to be, the minute a label becomes a powerful belief, it's like something stuck in the river while everything else is flowing past it. As you said:

There is no one to let go.
The story stays, sometimes running through not sticking and sometimes getting sticky, both is fine.

So, there is no-one to have any weight. We did that body exercise. There is no inside or outside of me, there is just 'space' or nothing so it's only the power of belief of the label that is keeping this stuck.

GOSH!
I went through all the shame of this story years ago and dealt with feelings about my mother so I didn't have that to go through and was just able to go straight to what was sticky. The belief thing has been really powerful to understand.

I know I've probably used a lot of concepts etc but it was mainly to be able to explain the process.

At the moment there is an experience of space and how much stuff names itself as that space such as any object around me when in fact it is all space - a computer shaped space, a lamp shaped space etc. Space seems to be showing up over the objects. A strange experience.

Thank you Jadzia
Love
Sara

[Jadzia]

So - A very powerful belief

How does a belief get powerful? REally? What tells about powerful? Thoughts? These thingies which point to nothing?
Memory, belief, thought are all the same.

I went through all the shame of this story years ago and dealt with feelings about my mother so I didn't have that to go through and was just able to go straight to what was sticky. The belief thing has been really powerful to understand.

It is wonderful to get to the belief and to finally notice it.
But - never avoid physical sensations, wether you already looked at them once or not. All these feelings disappear in bits and pieces and usually there is something behind shame.
So just to make it complete for this moment:
Recall back the sentence which stuck most, notice the physical sensation and allow it to take space. If it widens and grow watch it compassionately, when it is to its widest point you can ask what is behind it. Let the new sensation take space and so on. Just try to go with one word: Fear, Shame, Anger and so on, this helps not to fall for the story.
Go have a look and share what you find. :-)

At the moment there is an experience of space and how much stuff names itself as that space such as any object around me when in fact it is all space - a computer shaped space, a lamp shaped space etc. Space seems to be showing up over the objects. A strange experience.

Interesting, eh? All is one, so daft and used this expression is, it fits.

Love,
Jadzia