The truth doesn't need my belief to exist

[Sidstrate]

Good work.
Go on like that.
Start noticing and allowing all feelings which appear. Observe them coming up. One word, like joy or fear, or sadness. Coming and going. Connect and allow the coming up and the disappearing.
I have been letting go. Allowing & letting go again.
I think i just need to continue with doubting thoughts & letting go.
Just for the record: Is there anyone allowing, doubting, letting go?
Leave thoughts, sense feel.

I had to take a couple of days away from the computer. But I’ve still been looking.
So who is allowing, etc? There are a number of layers but i eventually reach a vibration.
My self is a vibration, a sensation. & just like you said, they come up, & they dissipate.
Life Just Happens! I am automated behaviour, which my mind cannot comprehend. My mind delivers continuous thoughts denying the lack of control. I have a stream of thoughts ready to reinforce the illusion of volition.

Awareness
My awareness is like a spring, sometimes compressed with thoughts, then releasing out into something more expansive. Or I could describe it as a microscope, narrowing into limited focus. If I let go I can zoom out & allow a wider perspective.

I’m trying not to look at it like this, but it’s a constant battle. The thoughts dragging me into more rabbit warrens, my thoughts rebuilding new sandcastles of identity that appear like stone.

Much Love

[Jadzia]

There are a number of layers but i eventually reach a vibration.
My self is a vibration, a sensation. & just like you said, they come up, & they dissipate.

Just to be clear here: Is the vibration your self or is there a vibration that in lack of another label is called my self?

My mind delivers continuous thoughts denying the lack of control. I have a stream of thoughts ready to reinforce the illusion of volition.

Anyone annoyed by that?

My awareness is like a spring, sometimes compressed with thoughts, then releasing out into something more expansive. Or I could describe it as a microscope, narrowing into limited focus. If I let go I can zoom out & allow a wider perspective.

So you noticed that sometimes there seem to be wider and more compressed?
Please do compare a wider focus with a more compressed one. Is there really a wider and more compressed or just awareness + two stories running?
Who lets go? Do you decide to let go?

The thoughts dragging me into more rabbit warrens, my thoughts rebuilding new sandcastles of identity that appear like stone.

Is there really a dragging? or is it just happening? Observe carefully.
And yes, it looks as if sandcastles are lost and new ones are rebuild. Is there anything wrong, akward or funny about it?

And how are emotions lately? How are they felt?

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

There are a number of layers but i eventually reach a vibration.
My self is a vibration, a sensation. & just like you said, they come up, & they dissipate.
Just to be clear here: Is the vibration your self or is there a vibration that in lack of another label is called my self?

Ok, at first there was the vibration, but then who was observing the vibration?
The narrator is back
I need to investigate this further.

My mind delivers continuous thoughts denying the lack of control. I have a stream of thoughts ready to reinforce the illusion of volition.
Anyone annoyed by that?

This is another crazy part of this. Who is the me that is wanting to get to the bottom of this puzzle? Who is the me wanting to unravel my mystery?
There is a thought, that presents as me & he thinks he’s in charge.

My awareness is like a spring, sometimes compressed with thoughts, then releasing out into something more expansive. Or I could describe it as a microscope, narrowing into limited focus. If I let go I can zoom out & allow a wider perspective.
So you noticed that sometimes there seem to be wider and more compressed?
Please do compare a wider focus with a more compressed one. Is there really a wider and more compressed or just awareness + two stories running?

I investigated this further
This shrinking & growing awareness of mine is based on the assumption that there is a larger world to see & feel outside of my awareness. You are right, I only have awareness.

Who lets go? Do you decide to let go?

This goes back to the narrator who thinks he is in charge. When he comes back, he reminds me about how well or not things have gone. This is easy to see as a thought. But it’s the deciding that is really hard to pin down.
“OK, I will investigate further to get to the bottom of this”
“Just relax, let go.”
This still very much feels like me. But when I look, it disappears

The thoughts dragging me into more rabbit warrens, my thoughts rebuilding new sandcastles of identity that appear like stone.
Is there really a dragging? or is it just happening? Observe carefully.

It feels like there is an awakeness (being aware of my own consciousness) & an autopilot (unconscious or sleep walking). When I get dragged into thought, it feels like the autopilot. When I wake from a stream of thoughts, it very much feels like me, waking up. There is a me to be awake & give instructions, pass comment & have an opinion.

And yes, it looks as if sandcastles are lost and new ones are rebuild. Is there anything wrong, awkward or funny about it?

After realisation that another sandcastle has collapsed, it feels a bit disappointing, like a bit of a waste of time. Why did ‘I’ bother? Why did I care so much about that stuff. This all reinforces the state of ‘I’ because I’m holding myself accountable for errors. It's like a keep falling in mental traps.

And how are emotions lately? How are they felt?

I thought your questions were really challenging, but good because they hit the mark. Sometimes I have felt a bit lost with the questions because an answer wasn’t forthcoming with investigation. These questions more good but so many! I felt I had to rush through them a little. But that’s OK.
I get a little frustrated sometimes because I feel like everything we talk about makes complete sense, but I still don't see it! I get it all but don't see it!

When I feel emotion and look using DE I can feel the sensations of vibrations. They go up and down, but then I don't know whats left when it all dissipates. It feels like its back to me and I start all over again.
Much love

[Jadzia]

Ah, lets have a look at expectation again.
Is there in any way the expectation that what is called selfing will stop?
That the narration, the story telling will stop?
Be honest here. Look high and low for expectations of what appear/ would happen after the looking through the illusion of self being an entity, free will, decider and so on.
Even have a look into the cup board. ;-)

Look for fear, search for unease and explore.

Check!

I get the I see and I don't see. Behind bewilderment fear can hide. Sometimes there is a "fight" to keep the status quo, a resistance. Look. Check and allow everything you find. Don't dissipate emotions or wish them away, feel them fully.
If until now you learned to avoid emotions - now is the time to fully embrace them, they are wonderful signposts.
This might sound odd but forget using DE for emotions right now.
Sit quietly and ask emotions to show, look at them without trying to change something. Allowing, quietly observing. Drop all other thoughts, just look.

Do this several times and report what you find. When difficulties appear we will solve them here.

And....from now on less questions.

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

Ah, lets have a look at expectation again.
Is there in any way the expectation that what is called selfing will stop?
That the narration, the story telling will stop?
Be honest here. Look high and low for expectations of what appear/ would happen after the looking through the illusion of self being an entity, free will, decider and so on.
Even have a look into the cup board. ;-)
Look for fear, search for unease and explore.
Check!

Yes, I have expectations. It’s difficult to look for something without knowing what you are looking for!
When I see these things (Sense of self, streams of thought), I see that I am judging them as negatives & what you are saying is why should I?
I am seeing more without the judgments. Or at least seeing the judgement!
I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing(generally). I don't know where I am going. Sometimes I am fine with this and other times this creates a clash with expectations.

I get the I see and I don't see. Behind bewilderment fear can hide. Sometimes there is a "fight" to keep the status quo, a resistance. Look. Check and allow everything you find. Don't dissipate emotions or wish them away, feel them fully.
If until now you learned to avoid emotions - now is the time to fully embrace them, they are wonderful signposts.
This might sound odd but forget using DE for emotions right now.
Sit quietly and ask emotions to show, look at them without trying to change something. Allowing, quietly observing. Drop all other thoughts, just look.
Do this several times and report what you find. When difficulties appear we will solve them here.
And....from now on less questions.

There have been a number of emotions
A feeling of unworthiness
A feeling of being lost
A lack of direction
I feel fear, I let go of control but then find more fear, which tells me that I’ve not really let go.
I have expectations of how my life should be going. There is frustration when inevitably, it does go that way.

The last week or so I have felt a growing resistance to this work. It's a feeling like I'm not doing very well or that it will all end in frustration so why bother!

[Jadzia]

When I see these things (Sense of self, streams of thought), I see that I am judging them as negatives & what you are saying is why should I?

It is good to keep in mind that all, really all and everything, is part of what IS, of Life, of Awareness, of the Tao, God - lots of different labels describing the same undescribable. Nothing is seperated, nothing is apart from it.

There have been a number of emotions
A feeling of unworthiness
A feeling of being lost
A lack of direction
I feel fear, I let go of control but then find more fear, which tells me that I’ve not really let go.
I have expectations of how my life should be going. There is frustration when inevitably, it does go that way.
The last week or so I have felt a growing resistance to this work. It's a feeling like I'm not doing very well or that it will all end in frustration so why bother!

Verrrry good. Thank you for the honesty.

So now comes the work, ;-), well the non work:
Don't judge any of this!

I feel fear, I let go of control but then find more fear, which tells me that I’ve not really let go.

Tricky, letting go is a phrase some people can work with, you better drop it right now. Take instead of letting go - flying under the radar of thoughts.

Can you see that all appears in a story which most certainly doesn't play out the first time?
With the lightest touch possible check quickly is there another story where this turned up - the unworthiness, the feeling of being lost? Don't stick to it, just see if it is really something which appears in another story, maybe in a family or school story.
Then breathe in and out several time, give yourself an encouraging smile and allow to be not interested in thoughts for the moment.
Sit with the feeling of unworthyness, loving like a loving father or mother sits with the child in an akward moment, full of love, completely embracing, not changing or fixing something.
Does this emotion, feeling have a place in the body? If yes, just focus on the body part, interested and patiently. It is allowed to be there, nothing wrong with it.
Just sit.

This is so not about analyzing it is about allowing what is there, which might have never been acknowledged, might have always been pushed awaý as something unwanted. What is there wants to be seen, then it can move on one day.

Take your time. Maybe there is desperation with the frustration, too. Just find out how and when the story is and was told and then go to inviting and embracing.

Whenever you are ready to share, share.

Love,
Jadzia

Ah and this might sound strange to you - but the resistance is wonderful, this is the right point right now.
We often differ between good and bad emotions, but they just are. One is telling: All is well, the other is telling: There is an itch right now. Just sign posts.

[Sidstrate]

Take your time. Maybe there is desperation with the frustration, too. Just find out how and when the story is and was told and then go to inviting and embracing.

Whenever you are ready to share, share.

I looked & it didn’t take long. A few layers down I uncovered another story.
It’s my mum. It is a long story, I’m now 44 years old. I have done a lot of work with this over the years but this process with you has brought up some more. Mum left when I was 11 years old & there are many things that resulted from this.
I fall into a stream of thoughts, it’s a well trodden path! I am grateful for your suggestion “Fly under the radar of thoughts”. This has encouraged a new perspective on how I step forward.
There is a value I have of myself which is attached to home ownership & I lost my home a couple of years ago. I have recognised that there is still a lack of self worth. It is clear to see this once I see passed any outside validation to my existence. The outside validation is sneaky & pernicious.
My relationship with mum is distant. We have very different values & she cannot see this. I’m never sure whether to try & fix, or simply accept how things are.
Maybe I am so keen to realise ‘no-self’ in a desperate bid to release me of this baggage?

Ah and this might sound strange to you - but the resistance is wonderful, this is the right point right now.
We often differ between good and bad emotions, but they just are. One is telling: All is well, the other is telling: There is an itch right now. Just sign posts.

This is so true for me right now as I swing from - All is Well, to the other!
I catch myself wondering what magnet pulls me towards this & repels from another. Then on another day, the same magnet pulls me to the opposite & repels the reverse.
But what is the me?
What is it in me that is being pulled or pushed? What self? What centre? What collection of organisms in this flesh & bone sack of skin is driven to one thing & then another. If there is no volition, no self driving the bus, what direction? What prevents me from driving in circles or crashing over a cliff? What is it that compels me to go further & deeper into this mystery?

[Jadzia]

I fall into a stream of thoughts, it’s a well trodden path!

Good to see, right?

Now one step more, looking deeper:
When falling into a stream of thoughts, do these thoughts really fit 100% to the situation right now, really picture/map it, or is it simply 100% thought rumination?
Is there a difference in the NOW?

Looking at the story lets have a look at time again. An old story per se appears in thoughts as something called memory, agreed?
So does the story have any existence at all?

Maybe I am so keen to realise ‘no-self’ in a desperate bid to release me of this baggage?

:-) You wouldn't be the only one to try it and fail.
With baggage it is the same as with self, it just needs to be seen for what it is.
Next step is allowing all emotions which didn't have the chance to be seen, which are somewhat frozen and need the loving acceptance to thaw up and over time melt away.

But what is the me?
What is it in me that is being pulled or pushed? What self? What centre? What collection of organisms in this flesh & bone sack of skin is driven to one thing & then another. If there is no volition, no self driving the bus, what direction? What prevents me from driving in circles or crashing over a cliff? What is it that compels me to go further & deeper into this mystery?

Beautiful questions - time to find answers.

You already found that the self/me is not an entity being found anywhere. Not the decider, thinker, controller and so on.
But there is something, yes. But is this something a separate me?

Again, stay with the emotions, care for them, become friends with them and when you want to share what happens or what answers you found to your own questions, write here.

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

I fall into a stream of thoughts, it’s a well trodden path!
Good to see, right?
Now one step more, looking deeper:
When falling into a stream of thoughts, do these thoughts really fit 100% to the situation right now, really picture/map it, or is it simply 100% thought rumination?
Is there a difference in the NOW?

No they don't fit 100%. They are unaccountable to me or whatever is going on.

Looking at the story lets have a look at time again. An old story per se appears in thoughts as something called memory, agreed?
So does the story have any existence at all?

It has an energy. Or at least an energetic quality attached to it. As I observe the energy dissipates.
The story unravels to nothing. But then it returns at a later time with a similar energetic quality.

You already found that the self/me is not an entity being found anywhere. Not the decider, thinker, controller and so on.
But there is something, yes. But is this something a separate me?

OK, this is helpful. I need more time.

Again, stay with the emotions, care for them, become friends with them and when you want to share what happens or what answers you found to your own questions, write here.

Thoughts have been sneaking up & running the show. Constant validation & justification.
There is an uncertainty. A lack of grounding, a fracture.
Work on self can be destructive to motivation at times!
I have uncovered a nagging feeling of low level anxiety. As if I’m going to be in trouble or something negative is going to happen. There doesn’t seem to be thoughts driving this although, there are a number of thoughts that are popping up to attach & explain. But I see that it’s the anxiety first, then the thoughts come next. It’s quite uncomfortable at times.
It gets very tiring at times. My brain feels very tired.
Thank you, much gratitude

[Jadzia]

No they don't fit 100%. They are unaccountable to me or whatever is going on.

If they don't fit you deal with suggestions and not with accurate descriptions of what is/is happening in the moment, or?
So how much sense does it make to put faith in thoughts?

Looking at the story lets have a look at time again. An old story per se appears in thoughts as something called memory, agreed? So does the story have any existence at all?
It has an energy. Or at least an energetic quality attached to it. As I observe the energy dissipates.
The story unravels to nothing. But then it returns at a later time with a similar energetic quality.

Look carefully at the question.
Does the energy equal existence?
And never forget a story is made of thoughts.

I have uncovered a nagging feeling of low level anxiety. As if I’m going to be in trouble or something negative is going to happen.

Well, well.....something is going to happen, right. Long beloved believes are about to seen as rubbish. No wonder it feels threatening, or?
Enjoy the trouble - just another story.

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

So how much sense does it make to put faith in thoughts?

So a partial truth is easier to believe than a whole false. But the half truth is still false. So much of this is thoughts to make me feel better, or to make me feel like I have some sort of understanding/control. My brain is yelling, trying to convince me that I know what is going on.

So does the story have any existence at all? Does the energy equal existence?

The energy is up & down, constant motion but never constant. The energy is a label for the sensations that I am experiencing.
I ask myself, does awareness equal existence. There is an awareness that always exists. (But I cannot confirm or deny this when I sleep.)

Enjoy the trouble - just another story.

Last night there were more ‘negative’ emotions. Regret, mild anxiety, fear, sadness & grief. I observed how my mind was searching for, & then offering up explanations to explain or justify how I was feeling.
“It’s because you drank alcohol last night”
“It’s because you haven't spoken to your mum in a while”
“You are not living your dream”
“You have not not much exercise lately”

I managed to observe these thoughts without getting attached to them. I held the experience in my awareness like you suggested, like holding a baby.

Delicate as she goes!
Thank you

[Jadzia]

Oh, what a beautiful read!

My brain is yelling, trying to convince me that I know what is going on.

....and then there is no separate I which would be in any way separate from that what is. ;-)
To realize that one can't take thoughts for face value/truth is a big step.

There is an awareness that always exists. (But I cannot confirm or deny this when I sleep.)

It always exists - yes. It is everything it is.
Are there many small awarenesses or is one awareness experiencing all at the same time?

I observed how my mind was searching for, & then offering up explanations to explain or justify how I was feeling.

Very good observation.

I managed to observe these thoughts without getting attached to them. I held the experience in my awareness like you suggested, like holding a baby.

Well done!

Stay with observing emotions/thoughts and munching through everything you learned so far. Sometimes it can be helpful to reread the thread, redo the exercises with this better understanding how thoughts work.

Share what you find.

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

Thank you!

I will continue with the observations and I'm going to re-read the thread.

I'll let you know how I get on

:)

[Jadzia]

Good. :-)
As soon as a question turns up come to this place.

Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

I have been re-reading our posts from the start. It has been really worthwhile. I have been taking notes on what really resonates. I can post them if you like but I thought it might clog it all up a bit so for now I’ll just post questions as they arrive as you requested.

Awareness
It always exists - yes. It is everything it is.
Are there many small awarenesses or is one awareness experiencing all at the same time?

When I focus on the sensation of my coffee, what or who has instigated this, pointing & directing me to take note of the coffee cup & not on something else like directing me to look out of the window?

The first quote is from you just recently. The second is from me, back in August.

Are attention & awareness two different things? Because to me at the moment they seem the same.
I am confused about awareness. Awareness to me, is sometimes focused & sometimes more general.

I can have my attention distracted by a TV screen while someone is talking to me & I miss what they say.
I can be aware of noise in the background which distracts me from a nagging back ache.
I can be aware of a sunset and fail to notice people walk up behind me.