I'm curious

[notsarah]

YOU: When it is really felt and you are fully with the frustration:
What does it protect? Is there something else behind it?

It protects the idea of the singular self. The separate self. If I focus on the frustration and the not-understandable aspect of what I’m looking for, it reinforces that I’m a singular person with a (confused) singular point of view. It reinforces that there is something not me – separate from me – that “I” can’t understand/reach/obtain.

YOU: What is really there? A someone feeling frustration? Or simply a sensation and a story?

There appears to be the sensation and a story. There is a someone in that I still have this singular point of view – but that might just entirely be the story. Like earlier, when it became clear that vision and the sensation weren’t actually linked - I think it might be the same for the point of view and the sensations. The sensations occur, and the point of view claims them and ties itself up with them to make them seem related. The story (point of view) is just thought content – like any other thought content.

YOU: Are you the weaver of the story?

If the story is just thought content then we’ve already established that I’m not controlling that. So in that sense I’m not weaving the story – it’s just arising along with the sensations. But ultimately something is creating all of this – and if I’m everything (which is my experience with my eyes closed), then I must be creating all of this. I must be the weaver of this story (and every story). But I’m clear that it’s not this me – the 50-year old women in Texas. The idea of this little me seems as random and out of my control as the sound of the dog bark that just happened out my window.

There is something whispering to me around the edges. When I try to look at it it skirts out of view. It makes me want to just sit here quietly with my eyes closed (which is very unlike me). This is why people hole themselves up in caves and don’t talk to anybody for years – there is something really big just under the surface – something unfathomably big. All of the stories are a distraction from it.

I have been trying to feel into that “everything” feeling that I have with my eyes closed when my eyes are open. A lot of the time I totally forget about it and am entirely caught up in the story of my life. But there is a sense of it now sometimes when my eyes are open. It’s not as complete – but it’s starting to be there more. Things look separate, and like there is distance between them (like my body on this bed and the closet door across the room) – but the air between them feels like me now with my eyes open. The door feels like me. The entire universe.

It really is like a big joke: all of the separation and the stories of separate people. And all along it’s all just me. Or so it sometimes seems. And I’m constantly in and out of it – partially the story and partially everything.
[/quote]

[Jadzia]

It protects the idea of the singular self. The separate self. If I focus on the frustration and the not-understandable aspect of what I’m looking for, it reinforces that I’m a singular person with a (confused) singular point of view. It reinforces that there is something not me – separate from me – that “I” can’t understand/reach/obtain.

Just think of how many year of conditioning you had that there is a separate self doing everything in an strange environment, which is totally something else.
So be patient as a little angel and enjoy the resistance, which shows as frustration.

And when you sit quietly. Allow this feeling of separateness and after a while simply look behind that one.

Like earlier, when it became clear that vision and the sensation weren’t actually linked - I think it might be the same for the point of view and the sensations. The sensations occur, and the point of view claims them and ties itself up with them to make them seem related. The story (point of view) is just thought content – like any other thought content.

Yes.
Try to watch a film today or a little video with a story. When watching it one can become so much enwrapped in the story that one doesn't hear outside noises, forgets about everything else and yet one knows it is a film. Played and acted out - not happening, didn't happen at all.
Later
Look at the story of the life of the character you seem to be.
Is there a difference?

I must be the weaver of this story (and every story)

This is a way one can put it.
The weaver, the yarn and the woven piece, the picture all at once.

A lot of the time I totally forget about it and am entirely caught up in the story of my life. But there is a sense of it now sometimes when my eyes are open. It’s not as complete – but it’s starting to be there more.

Beautiful.

It really is like a big joke: all of the separation and the stories of separate people. And all along it’s all just me. Or so it sometimes seems. And I’m constantly in and out of it – partially the story and partially everything.

All just you, or all just life or all just I am, or all awareness, or or .... all wonderful labels.
Is there really a difference between the story and everything?

Love,
Jadzia

[notsarah]

YOU: Is there really a difference between the story and everything?

No. There is no difference between the story and everything – the story is part of everything. All one thing. There is just one thing experiencing everything. And I, Me, etc. are just words that don’t actually mean anything. I might as well identify as a toaster.

I am playing in another tournament this weekend and it’s been super interesting to notice this. I still have a competitive drive to win, but there is also an awareness that the others are me too. And that their skills are impressive and fascinating to watch (as opposed to threatening – which is how I always felt about them, and why I was such a bundle of nerves. Who wouldn’t be nervous when they were being threatened?) ☺

It’s also really fascinating how much better I am able to play when I’m not taking responsibility for what happens on the table.

There is still a mechanism at work that is related to the desires of the person… it wants to win, it wants to be happy, it wants… it it it. But now the brain is also noticing fairly quickly that there is a lot of mental noise happening that doesn’t really mean anything:

The toaster wants to win. Does it? Is there a toaster – and does it give a shit about winning? Anything I say about it is just going to be more of the story.

I’m beginning to experience that the thing that doesn’t need any particular outcome over another isn’t actually speakable. Anytime I try to grasp (conceptualize) what it is, I have to identify as someone who is observing something else. So, I’m just sort of noticing that thing there inhabiting everything. It has no name and cannot be damaged in any way. It is imperturbable.

[Jadzia]

There is no difference between the story and everything – the story is part of everything. All one thing. There is just one thing experiencing everything. And I, Me, etc. are just words that don’t actually mean anything. I might as well identify as a toaster.

Yes, there is just it.
And yes, I, me are just labels, letters thrown together.
I do like toaster though. ;-)

It’s also really fascinating how much better I am able to play when I’m not taking responsibility for what happens on the table.

Is this I responsible for anything?
Is the I the one choosing and deciding?

There is still a mechanism at work that is related to the desires of the person… it wants to win, it wants to be happy, it wants… it it it. But now the brain is also noticing fairly quickly that there is a lot of mental noise happening that doesn’t really mean anything:

The story will run on for a longer time, but it will stop getting into the way.

I still have a competitive drive to win, but there is also an awareness that the others are me too. And that their skills are impressive and fascinating to watch (as opposed to threatening – which is how I always felt about them, and why I was such a bundle of nerves. Who wouldn’t be nervous when they were being threatened?)

This is the way how the I slowly turns into the us and the this and that/I and them turns into as well as. Lovely.

I’m beginning to experience that the thing that doesn’t need any particular outcome over another isn’t actually speakable. Anytime I try to grasp (conceptualize) what it is, I have to identify as someone who is observing something else. So, I’m just sort of noticing that thing there inhabiting everything. It has no name and cannot be damaged in any way. It is imperturbable.

Oh yes, words are tricky, each word a concept of its own. The language used is a duality language and finding the right words equals dancing on raw eggs - doesn't really work but we do have to do with what we have.
And another yes, each outcome is equally good.

Go on observing, allowing the inner knowing to grow and share what you find.

Love,
Jadzia

[notsarah]

YOU: Is this I responsible for anything? Is the I the one choosing and deciding?

No, it can’t be. Responsibility requires a subject who could be responsible. It seems that there are just things happening… nobody to choose to do them or decide not to do them. When I close my eyes and try to clearly identify someone who sees the full/empty blackness (what I've heard called the observer), there isn’t anybody. There’s just seeing happening. Sometimes for short moments it’s the same with the eyes open. There is just seeing happening. It is easy to get that seeing confused with the body – and I have to frequently close my eyes again to keep connected to that non-identified seeing thing (ironic!).

I went into the tournament today knowing that I would have to play two women with whom I’m very competitive, and who I definitely want to beat. Then I watched myself literally walk up to each one of them separately and give them sincere encouragement and support to play well. I wanted them to feel courageous and strong. My arch enemies. Who of course, are me. So. Damn. Funny. I just stood there and watched myself do it. It makes me giggle to think about it. One of them lost out of the event before me and the other one knocked me out of the tournament in 3rd. So clearly, there was no effect on the outcome based on my actions (50-50 – couldn’t have been less conclusive! Ha!). But it felt lovely to do it – and that was the best part of the day.

[Jadzia]

No, it can’t be. Responsibility requires a subject who could be responsible. It seems that there are just things happening… nobody to choose to do them or decide not to do them.

Yes, there is no decider, no chooser, no one managing life.

When I close my eyes and try to clearly identify someone who sees the full/empty blackness (what I've heard called the observer), there isn’t anybody. There’s just seeing happening. Sometimes for short moments it’s the same with the eyes open. There is just seeing happening. It is easy to get that seeing confused with the body – and I have to frequently close my eyes again to keep connected to that non-identified seeing thing (ironic!).

Seeing is just seeing, it is happening. No one who sees.
Does one ever choose what one sees?
If you turn your head slowly to the right and then to the left - what is seen?
Has there been a choice what to see and what not?

What about hearing? Is there a hearer?
Take a noise which is just heard, what exactly is there? A hearer, a sound - two different things, or?

My arch enemies. Who of course, are me. So. Damn. Funny.

Well yes, it is damn funny. Life playing with itself.

Love,
Jadzia

[notsarah]

Not much happening here. I am noticing a lot that everything is like a movie (including my body/actions). I occasionally check in with whether or not I can find an observer - and while there is still a trace of one I am also aware that this is a story and that nothing is observing.

I go in and out of personal identification a lot. I have another tournament this weekend and it's hard not to be identified as I'm preparing for it.

YOU: Does one ever choose what one sees?
If you turn your head slowly to the right and then to the left - what is seen?
Has there been a choice what to see and what not?

Nobody chooses what is seen. If I turn my head to the left and right it feels like I'm watching a movie - and the camera is panning. There was no choice made about what to see. It's just what is happening right now - I'm in my dining room. I'm about to get up and walk out to my art studio (or so the story goes), and I'll see different things there. Again, no choice about what those are.

YOU: What about hearing? Is there a hearer?
Take a noise which is just heard, what exactly is there? A hearer, a sound - two different things, or?

There is a noise - but I don't have any proof of what it is. My mind says, "That's the sound of the sheets in the dryer." That's the storyline today. Without the story there is a just a sound. In order for "someone" to hear that sound (a hearer) I have to agree to the story of a person sitting in a dining room who could claim hearing it. There is hearing happening. And there are visuals that are occurring at the same time and my brain wants to link them together and tell me that they're the same thing. I don't have any proof of that. If I close my eyes and my brain doesn't overlay the words "your dryer" on top of the sound, it's just a sound. No person is hearing it. It's just heard. It's like an incredibly complex symphony of stimulus that is happening and anything that I say about it is a story. I can't say anything about it because describing it has nothing to do with it. Describing it is its own thing - and it isn't related to the experience.

[Jadzia]

I occasionally check in with whether or not I can find an observer - and while there is still a trace of one I am also aware that this is a story and that nothing is observing.

There is a noticing and observation happens, but is it the you of you that is the observer, the self?

I go in and out of personal identification a lot. I have another tournament this weekend and it's hard not to be identified as I'm preparing for it.

There is no need for a complete disidenitfication. A certain identification has its merits, when a friend calls your name it might be nice to turn.
It is good to see the ongoing telling of the story, how it is adapted, widened, closed and so on. The story doesn't have to disappear nor the going in and out of identification - this is an ongoing process and not an end point.

No person is hearing it. It's just heard.

Just hearing, yes.

How do you feel right now with all this you found out?
How is the general feeling?
What changed during this investigation?

Love,
Jadzia

[notsarah]

YOU: here is a noticing and observation happens, but is it the you of you that is the observer, the self?

I don’t understand the question - would you please rephrase it?

[Jadzia]

Oh yes, I can. :-)
Is there an observer needed for observing?

Love,
Jadzia

[notsarah]

YOU: There is a noticing and observation happens, but is there an observer needed for observing?

When I try to identify the observer, I can’t find/name anything, so no. But it is always there – is the only thing that doesn’t change. There does seem to be an observer (something that notices sensations) – but it isn’t a thing separate from everything else. It is what it is observing. It’s not an identity – it isn’t located behind my eye sockets.

YOU: How do you feel right now with all this you found out? How is the general feeling?
What changed during this investigation?

There’s a sense of peace more often now because I can more quickly connect with what I really am (which is the thing I can’t name or describe). My brain is quieter more often now (it generally gets very quiet when I’m paying attention to the sensations and looking for evidence or proof of the existence of anything. It doesn’t know what to say – it doesn’t have words for that thing that everything is, so it just goes mute for a little while.)

What were words or just intellectual understandings before are FELT now. There is a sense of wonder with that.

I feel generally “looser” – less attached to outcomes. There is a lot less stress with the more present (although often still forgotten) knowledge that I’m not controlling this person - and that this person is actually not even “real”... that is a story to explain the sensations.

I still definitely want certain outcomes – but when they don’t happen I am not as vicious with myself for “my” failures. But the person/story still wants to claim everything and imagine that it can control outcomes. It still wants to feel 1) that is exists and is very important, and 2) that it can therefore influence what happens.

I notice some striking differences with my competitive billiards: a lot more calmness when I’m playing tournaments, and there is that general sense of curiosity there more often (for example, I have a tournament today – and I have absolutely no idea if the nerves will return, or if I will play well, etc. It’s like going to the movies – what will the storyline be? What will happen?). At the same time, the person/story is trying to use this new experience to influence what happens: It is at this very moment saying, “Now that you’re less nervous you’ll do better in the tournament – you should definitely win it. If you don’t win it or can’t maintain the calmness you’re a hopeless loser. You can’t even win with this mental advantage.”

First of all, I can see how hilarious that manipulative/punishing thinking is. It is attempting to control the outcome. It is attempting to influence the story – and the story isn’t even real. The person isn’t even real! It’s such a rabbit hole of experience! This illusion of personality responsibility brings the stress back – and sucks the joy/curiosity out of the situation. It 100% creates pain where none actually has to exist. So, the fact that that awareness is also present in the situation makes the experience of this person less stressful.

I don’t, however, feel blissful or whatever the alleged experience of enlightenment is. I just literally feel “lightened.” As experiences go, it’s more pleasant and amusing.

[Jadzia]

When I try to identify the observer, I can’t find/name anything, so no. But it is always there – is the only thing that doesn’t change. There does seem to be an observer (something that notices sensations) – but it isn’t a thing separate from everything else. It is what it is observing. It’s not an identity – it isn’t located behind my eye sockets.

Could one say that observer and the observed are the same?

It sounds beautiful what you write.
The grip of the story loosens up, the belief in it fades. As you've found there is a bit of yo yo-ing going on. Sometimes thoughts are more quiet, sometimes they try to build a new story around the new experience, sometimes one feels free of will, sometimes it hits in with craving for something.
There is so much connected to this illusion, all this will crumble with the time.

So, the fact that that awareness is also present in the situation makes the experience of this person less stressful.

Are awareness and story two different things or one?
What is awareness in DE?

I don’t, however, feel blissful or whatever the alleged experience of enlightenment is. I just literally feel “lightened.” As experiences go, it’s more pleasant and amusing.

Gating is not, but it is a wonderful step in the direction of lightening up.
Who or what gets enlightened?

Bliss, well, with letting go of the illusion quite a ride can start. There are lots of identifications and beliefs which will unravel, ill will/desire is something one can work with and the ride can be bumpy with blissful moments, but bliss all around?
What tells that something is desirable and something isn't good?
What creates the attachment to bliss?
Does this duality good/bad hold without the illusion?

What would you say: Have you looked through the illusion?
Do you have any questions right now?

Love,
Jadzia

[notsarah]

YOU: Could one say that observer and the observed are the same?

Yes. The same.

YOU: Are awareness and story two different things or one? What is awareness in DE?

It seems that everything that isn’t DE is a story. Direct experience is sensations. Any description of those sensations is a story. Awareness is a story too – because it isn’t DE.

YOU: Who or what gets enlightened?

Enlightenment is a story. Nothing gets enlightened because there is nothing but sensations happening.

YOU: What tells that something is desirable and something isn't good?

The story. The person/identification mind.

YOU: What creates the attachment to bliss?

The person/story mind. It’s wants good without bad – which isn’t possible. The word is DUALITY – one cannot be without the other.

Does this duality good/bad hold without the illusion?

No. There couldn’t be any preference for any particular experience without the illusion because none of it has any meaning without the story/illusion. All meaning exists in the illusion. Without the illusion there isn’t anyone to judge good/bad. There are just experiences happening – experiences that don’t mean anything.

YOU: What would you say: Have you looked through the illusion?

I’d say that the dawn is breaking. I have a much deeper, FELT understanding of what were previously just ideas – and I’ve understood things in an entirely new way. I cannot imagine ever really believing that I’m a separate person and that the world is seen through my eyes again – but, as we’ve talked about, the person comes and goes, and the sureness of not identifying as a person comes and goes.

For example, today during the tournament I lost a match and had to play another one right away. I was noticing my mind berating me for losing the match I lost – which, in the past, would have been devastating to deal with. But today I was able to notice my mind going bananas – and not get too far pulled into it.

I was able to remind myself that I am not in control of what happens – and that helped me calm down and focus on the match at hand. But at the same time, I wasn’t fully out of the illusion either. I had trouble connecting in that very moment to that unnameable thing that I really am. In that moment, the best that could be accomplished was to notice the mind trying to take a negative ownership of what was happening, and in the face of that to know that it was only a story. I wasn't able in that moment to FEEL that there isn't even a me who could be in control (or not).

YOU: Do you have any questions right now?

What next??

[Jadzia]

It seems that everything that isn’t DE is a story. Direct experience is sensations. Any description of those sensations is a story. Awareness is a story too – because it isn’t DE.

Awareness is just a label which helps to describe something. Yes, you won't find it in DE.
DE is colour, sensation, smell, taste, sound and thought. This is how far we can break experience down if we want to use words. All this being labels for experience, too.

What creates the attachment to bliss?
The person/story mind. It’s wants good without bad – which isn’t possible. The word is DUALITY – one cannot be without the other.

In duality there is good and bad and one could say one cannot be without the other.
Is there good or bad at all?
Can experience/life be divided?

Where is mind found in DE?
Can it be known if this is the place thoughts come from?

Is there anything outside of what is?
Can one be really in the illusion and out of it?
Or is it content of thought telling: Now I am in, now I am out?

What next??

What is it you are looking for?
What is still missing?

Love,
Jadzia

[notsarah]

YOU: Is there good or bad at all? Can experience/life be divided?

No. It cannot be divided. How delightful!

YOU: Where is mind found in DE? Can it be known if this is the place thoughts come from?

The mind appears to be just like the body – so, not found in DE. I think that the body and mind are a story (thought content) – words to describe/make sense of/catagorize DE. The body and everything else (the whole world…) are just ideas – thought content – attempts to describe what isn’t describable. DE is the observer and the observed, both. Everything said about it is remarkably untrue and inadequate. Insanely inadequate. It definitely cannot be known that thoughts come from the mind.

YOU: Is there anything outside of what is? Can one be really in the illusion and out of it?

Good point! No, there is nothing outside of what is. When you ask it that way – it’s clear that one cannot possibly be in the illusion and out of it – it’s all one thing! The mind (content of thought) can feel more or less stressed, more or less identified, but that’s all what is as well. Every. Single. Last. Thing. Is it. It makes me LAUGH!!!! Sometimes the thought content remembers this, and sometimes it doesn’t. Such is life.

YOU: What is it you are looking for? What is still missing?

I am having so much fun with this – and your questions cause me to see things in a new way… so I’m looking for more of this fun discovery. And since you’re me, I figured I’d hit you up. ☺ However, I don’t need anything more – this is AMAZING. Life is ridiculously, insanely, complexly amazing.

By the way, I won the tournament this weekend. Qualified for the Nationals. It’s been 25 years since I won a national title, so it would be really fun to win another one at this late stage. And who knows what the hell will happen!? It is literally all good. Very enjoyable not to experience intense nerves though. ☺