Howdy, Kay.
Undoing knots happens until it doesn’t. That is simply what is happening.
Yes. I think the exact words that came up for me when I thought of further un-knotting and de-patterning were: F* THAT! No mas! Ha, not that I’m not open to it, if need be: of course I am. But, this acceptance piece, accepting certain thought patterns/emotions, letting them be, seeing them as passing weather that may or may not ever completely go away, I’ve been much more understanding of this over the past year or so… after way too many years of not being understanding of it!!
Can you say with 100% certainty that you have realised that there is no separate self as it is thought to be?
Yes
If so, how does it feel to realise this?
It feels like fireworks and a peaceful day at the lake.
Can you pinpoint when exactly you felt the shift when realisation happened, and how the shift itself was felt?
There have been many shifts over the years, I suppose, but I think all of those were somehow precursors to these recent shifts (of course, there is no time, so technically all shifts happen/ed now, but you get what I mean!). It started a couple months ago with an admission of surrender/ declaration that I’m done trying to bend life to “my” will. I’m going to let go and enjoy life, come what may: patterns, no patterns, more understanding, no more understanding, shit storms or no shit storms. It felt like a “Copernican Revolution” of sorts… as opposed to life revolving around what I knew was a false “I” / RavenSelf (the Self at the center of the universe, like the earth at the center of the universe), it was time to flip the script and let capital-L Life take the lead. Or, maybe, capital-F Flow. In the ensuing weeks after this, I felt deliriously happy – deep relief at the core of my being. There was no more fear or worry or anxiety about the big stuff anymore. Sure, I still had emo and thought patterns show up, etc., but in the bigger scheme of things, there was that deeper level of trust, I knew it would all work out, even if it didn’t. Who cares. Enough fighting/searching.
HOWEVER: the understanding of there being no separate self – though I might have said at the time I was certain about it, clearly I wasn’t. It was still more intellectual than realized. Enter LU/Kay (affectionately nicknamed: “The Hammer” lol). Throughout this process, there have been so many mind-blowing shifts… realizing “I” don’t create my thoughts, seeing that emotion is simply a somewhat neutral sensation with a whole bunch of thought piled on top, finding that “I” haven’t made a single decision in my entire life (WTF?!), that everything is going on automatic, there has never been a “me” there orchestrating anything, to, of course, ultimately truly
seeing (not just thinking) – maybe for the first time - what’s actually here. This is ALL there is, always here and now, appearing exactly as it is… and this expression called “RavenSelf” is simply a part of that incredible energetic flow. All one. How could everything not seem miraculous at this point? And I’m not talking about what might be considered the classic-ly beautiful things of nature like wind and crickets and trees. But toothbrush, socks, computer, body, the illusory self… ALL OF IT: the same magic! What an incredible illusion, wow. Awe.
So, there have been many moments/a-has – and, even physically, a lot of energy coming into the body at times, like an electrical socket (and a bunch of snake dreams) – but, looking out the window, watching the wind rustle the trees and knowing, not just thinking, that there are no boundaries between “wind” and “this that ‘I’ am” is a very humbling, incredible feeling. And I’m so grateful to you for pointing me to this.
Has anything changed? And what hasn’t changed?
Yes and no / everything and nothing. Though I’ve gone through what I might call “big shifts” before and felt like there was ultimately some kind of “regression” afterwards (which, of course, was only just thought! What is “regression”? No such thing.), I don’t think what I’ve seen now can be unseen. As long as I have ears to hear, senses to feel, a nose to smell, eyes to see, fingers to touch, thoughts thinking, etc. – it is always right here, literally in front of my face. Not even that, so much closer than that. It
is my face, lol! It is all. This, here, now, all day, every day, no beginning, no end. Everywhere/nowhere. All I have to do is look. (And the looking, I imagine, will always need to continue because the illusion is so compelling/strong.) So, in this sense, everything has changed as there is no longer a “me” looking “out there” at these things – or even “up there” to the heavens (and thank you for that smack down). There is a sense of being fully grounded on/inextricably part of this earth experience, as experience itself, no separation.
What hasn’t changed is that I don’t expect RavenSelf to somehow be magically transformed into a flawless representation of human or for the illusory self not to be there or for life to flow perfectly. For example, just the other night on the same day I had an incredible realization, I woke up at 3am to pee and whirl, whirl, whirl went thought on total overdrive, keeping me up for a while. This doesn’t happens as much as it used to, depends on what’s going on, but it's for sure part of what happens for me. For years, I got so upset by this: omg, what’s wrong with me; will I ever find peace?; will I always be plagued by this?; I’m a big fat spiritual failure! I’ll never get it!. Over the past year or so, or maybe a little longer than that, that thought commentary doesn’t happen anymore. So what if thought keeps me up sometimes? – BFD – coffee cures all ills, lol. Maybe it’s just how Raven is wired, maybe there’s absolutely nothing I’m doing to create this, maybe it’s just part of the experience and always will be, I don’t know. Yin/yang, ups/down, pain/joy… all of it just weather. And passing weather has nothing to do with the truth of what always is. Period.
What is the main difference, if any, from before this exploration started?
A knowing that there is absolutely no way to not be in the now. This is impossible. “Being in the moment” is not something that “a person” “does” – it is all there is, always herenow. Also: just an excitement to see what happens next, what continues to unfold.
Is seeking still going on?
No.
Is there anything that you need clarified...anything you are not clear about?
I don’t think there’s anything I’m unclear about, so to speak. There may be further exploration I want to do at some point after this process around sensation/”emotion,” just playing around with that, maybe. And also some remaining curiosity around decision making. If there is no “I” making decisions – which I am clear on – why does the link between thought content and the decision/action seem so causal (like the murderer’s abusive childhood, the certain thoughts this generates, and the act/decision to murder)? Ultimately, I know any so-called answers to this question are likely to be more ideas/theory/thought – it cannot be known. So, if there is never additional clarity on this one, it doesn't matter, I’m fine with it. Just seems like something I could explore a little deeper, but - as you pointed out - this goes beyond the scope of the exploration here at LU and I get that!
Love and immense gratitude,
Raven
