Hi Stacy!
Here are my final question answers. Hopefully, they're all answered fully.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. No, there never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It appears to be a function of the brain/mind that begins working when we are very young, maybe less than 2 years old. It seems to be the result of a “program” that is designed to protect the body/mind and assist with decision-making, learning, etc. (here in the ‘game’ as I call it, or the ‘appearance’). It is a useful tool, but somehow, at least here, it had become the ‘main event’. It is so busy utilizing memories (if in fact there is such a thing) and projecting illusions of the future, that there’s little attention paid to being ‘alive’ here and now. It naturally “conceptualizes” experiences and thereby brings them down to mere bits of information. These events are then experienced as ‘dead’ but it becomes so habitual to see life that way, and be so constantly trying to stay ahead of things, that we don’t notice what’s happening. And, everyone else is doing it too, so it seems appropriate. Being caught up in the 'game/appearance' is the norm.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Well, at the risk of sounding like a cliché, it feels liberating! The difference is that things are very relaxed and have a natural, easy flow to them. Even difficult situations are much easier. The mind still steps in and wants to make drama out of everything, and brings fear to the forefront, but that is getting much easier to ignore. There’s an underlying sense of security, and people, who normally would have pressed my buttons, look so innocent now. Everyone’s playing the game, but only a few people know it’s a game and understand how things work. Nothing has changed in the world, but everything is different. It’s hard to take things that would have been important and threatening, in the past, seriously. After years of reading and studying non-duality, there is a lot of information that is suddenly available and makes sense. That might have made this easier, in some way. The data was there, just no instructions for making use of it. Now no instructions are needed. The perspective on life has radically changed. There is a lot of laughter and joy, for no apparent reason. Watching life happen is mostly fun and interesting now.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Two things pushed me over, though I had been LOOKING/SEEING off and on for a week or so—1) working with my guide on my big hook—“animals are suffering at the hands of people, and I am one of those people”. My guide had led me to the point of actually experiencing the nothingness, through the LU exercises. I understood that ‘conceptualizing’ was the big problem. We met in person, and she helped me break down my thoughts and concepts about animals suffering. Then later that day 2) I did an exercise from a book called “What Am I“ by Galen Sharp that required looking at what was in front of me without using any memory, or imagination about the future. I was looking at my dog by a campfire and I suddenly realized that all I knew for sure what that there were a bunch of colors, all changing shapes, a number of different sounds, smells, sensations, but no concepts! Dog, campfire, ground, forest were all labels or concepts that I'd been applying. I started laughing and laughed half the night (glad I was in my camper).
5)Describe decision
Decisions 'appear' to be made by the brain/mind, but certainly not by a fictional character—me. I have all kinds of theories about what they’re based on, but no evidence of anything but that they happen. That’s enough.
intention
Intention isn’t something I’ve thought about much, but I suspect that it’s, again, based on what the brain/mind has decided is in the best interest of the character, and I believe is also often “inspired” by “life”. The brain/mind is just the mechanism in the 'appearance' for thinking, like the eyes are the mechanisms for seeing, ears for hearing, etc.
free will
Free will, hmmm, no evidence that there’s anyone who has a will, but there is a sense of freedom. I have always equated ‘free will' with an individual’s ability to choose for him or herself, and thereby direct their future. I no longer see an individual anywhere, so this idea just falls apart. Since there is no free will, there is also no responsibility for anything. Used to think that would feel powerless, but oddly enough, it doesn’t, it feels 'free'!
choice and control
Choices happen, but nothing makes them, unless it’s the brain/mind in the appearance (which there’s no concrete evidence is actually happening or actually a thing). Control—can’t find anyone who has any control of anything. Not sure there even is such a thing. Things seem to just happen.
What makes things happen?
Don’t know.
How does it work?
Don’t know.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Again, because there’s no free will or choice-making, and there's no individual, there’s no responsibility for anything. Not sure if this is what you're looking for. You can look back on any choice and find a memory about the thing that just preceded it, but there is another memory about the thing that just preceded that, and another, and another, ad infinitum, each ‘apparently’ influencing the one before. So, you can never find any ‘cause’ for anything, so how could you possibly take responsibility for anything.
For instance, my political bent seems to be influenced by experiences I've had in my life, but at this moment, I have no evidence of any experiences, just memory-thoughts arising NOW indicating that things have happened in the past. In the 'appearance', this 'person' is conditioned to make choices based on those experiences, but since a 'self' can't be found, there can be no responsibility assigned to it.
Basically, it all boils down to the fact that the only thing we can be
sure of is whatever's happening RIGHT NOW. And even that is just "appearance". We have concepts about what seems to have happened in the past, but they are based only on thoughts we call memories, and can't be verified at all. It's all just flashing on the screen. NOW, only NOW. How could anyone be responsible? And there is no evidence of anyone, anyway. :)~
6) Anything to add?
I’m helping my husband with this, and enjoying the process. I wonder if there are more resources that I might access both for my husband and myself. Haha! It’s so funny to use personal pronouns!
I’ve enjoyed this process immensely and am eternally grateful to those who started this and those who continue to help people 'see the light’. (I guess "those" are just "life" masquerading as individuals!) In one way it seems like a miracle that anyone does 'see the light', because the habits and conditioning are so entrenched in everyday, human life. In another way, it's the most natural thing in the world, and kind of funny that sight of what's really happening, is ever lost.
With deep gratitude, Lesa (apparently!)
