In need of a guide and clear seeing

[nonaparry]

Am I misunderstanding something?

No. You are LOOKing, which is what we try to induce in those who come here.

These past few days, since I have engaged in this process with you, have actually been pretty weird.

Yes. LOOKing at experience from a completely new perspective will do that. :-)

seeing and thinking no longer seem to be sure ways of measuring anything

Good. Thinking is one thing guaranteed to get in the way of LOOKing.

However, what I did realise is that whether there are thoughts or no thoughts, this 'silence' is always underneath it, if I pay attention. I can experience both silence and thought at the same time.

Yes. THIS is a part of what is sometimes described as "bliss": an utter certainty that the silence is always there, always available.

a question came to me over and over: If there is no 'self', then WHO or WHAT is thinking? And who or what is doing the believing (or not) in the thought??

Excellent. And what did you answer?

I keep getting strange body reactions too. Intense heat, nausea, dizziness. Is this part of it?

These were not experienced here, but I am reliably informed that rising kundalini sometimes accompanies the process. We have guides who can help you with that.

I cannot point to 'I', or 'me'. I cannot even picture/imagine this in the same way that I can a watermelon. The sense of 'my self' is not something that I can define in any way, no word or image is accurate....There seems to be something almost impersonal about it

Yes. Life living itself is totally impersonal. No self, nothing 'personal'.

I have heard others talk about bliss, but this is not my experience.

Have we captured a sneaky expectation? What experience does the label 'bliss' point to? What about 'liberation'? Does that point to an experience?

as I am writing, 'I', I have no idea what I even mean by that!

"I" is another label, a word that points to the idea someone is there. But in reality, where/what is that someone outside of a thought?

Even more disturbing is the sense that there is no way that 'I' can be in control of anything! It's a bit freaky.

Beautiful. Is that just a sense? Or could it be true? Check it!!
Is there an "I" in control of your blood moving through your veins? Do you control the heart beating, or does heart continue to beat with no direction from an "I"? Breathing? We appear to choose to breathe deeply or to time the breath, but when you are not engaging in breathing exercises, isn't it true that breathing continues anyway, without an "I"? If you hold your breath long enough to pass out, doesn't breathing automatically happen again, no "I" required?
What about functions that are not autonomic? Walking, for example. Surely there is an "I" that controls walking. Does an "I" send signals to the muscles, one signal to long-twitch, a different one to slow-twitch muscles? Hey pelvis! Prepare to walk! Weight, shift! Knee extend! Leg extend! Eyes, measure distance to floor so you don't trip!
Is there a Pumper pumping blood? A Breather breathing? A Walker walking? Or does it all just happen?

Is there a Controller at all? Is anything controlling anything? Or is Life living itself with no controller?

What is happening during those times when there is no thought, when mind is blank?

Nothing is happening as such,

No thinking is happening then. Isn't it true that blood moving, breathing, walking, and all those 'unthinking' experiences are happening? Check it. Have you ever arrived somewhere with no specific recollection of how you got there?

[KateChristine]

Well...
Today has been very curious indeed. I need a little more time with the questions you asked me. Let's just say that thank goodness I am on a sabbatical at the moment and can be flexible with time because today I simply could not function in any recogniseable way. It is reassuring that you mentioned the possibility of rising kundalini because I suspect that is what is happening, although there is no certainty. My body is exhausted and shaking a lot. Within what would normally be a worrisome situation there is in fact a great peace that this is exactly what should be happening, because it is. I spent hours in a state of emptiness, not noticing the time passing, just listening to the silence and the music of the sounds of the world outside. I slept, or did I? I am not even sure. I don't feel capable of 'checking' anything right now; I'm just noticing and looking. I tried to ask the questions, but the sentences wouldn't finish themselves. There is a great fatigue and a kind of shutting down feeling. I will try my best to get back to you tomorrow. I hope this is ok with you.

[nonaparry]

Thanks so much for checking in!

I'm just noticing and looking.

Excellent. If possible, get outside into nature and observe: Life is living itself fully with no separate butterfly-I, bird-I, flower-I directing anything at all. No KateChristine-I either. Really.

I will ask other guides for advice re kundalini.

love
Nona

[nonaparry]

It is reassuring that you mentioned the possibility of rising kundalini because I suspect that is what is happening, although there is no certainty. My body is exhausted and shaking a lot.

from another guide:
"in the final hours before and the first week after gate I experienced the same "strange body reactions" your client is describing. What helped me tremendously was spending a lot of time outside, being physically active (riding a bike for hours on end) as well as spending time with family — "grounding" stuff, in other words. Sounds simple, but it really helped.
"Sometimes, a lot of repressed energy is freed in this process and I feel the best way to deal with this is to let it circulate, move."

[KateChristine]

Thank you Nona (and other guide friend).
I'll get back to you later on today. This. Is. Amazing!
Love

[KateChristine]

Life is living itself fully

It certainly is! I am not even sure what to say anymore... Seeing has opened up and when nothing is personal, everything is stunningly beautiful. Thoughts are thoughts and that's it. Once they've been seen for what they are, they no longer have any influence on reality; well, actually they never did! The process is not over though and I feel a movement moving itself as I watch and am it... There's a kind of basking going on :-)

Thinking is one thing guaranteed to get in the way of LOOKing.

Right now there doesn't seem to be much thought at all, so little in fact that I really notice it when it does happen. Then, regardless of the content (which has ceased to have any power) I'll look at it and this laughter will bubble up because it is so ridiculous. For example: A thought about how the noise in the appartment upstairs is annoying me. Immediately the question arises: who is it annoying? how can a noise be annoying?
And of course the immediate answer: no one! impossible. *laughing*
And 'no one' seems to be the answer to most questions that arise. Who is thinking? No one. Who is believing in that? No one. Who am I? No one!
And it is very funny that this was something frightening. It's a relief! Whew! Of course little non-existant 'I'felt out of control and panicky, how can it control anything when it doesn't exist!? That must indeed be terrifying, thinking that you exist, but you actually don't, and having all that placed on your non-existant little shoulders... It truly is totally awesome how everything works so perfectly, constantly exploring and looking and hiding, what a great game!

I have heard others talk about bliss, but this is not my experience.

Have we captured a sneaky expectation?

Probably :-) But this goes WAY beyond any expectation or label. Liberation, bliss, certainty, truth, yes, no. All of it and none of it. There is no feeling or emotion as such; just a wide open awe-filled space that is alive and clear. Anything that happens, happens within that, be it thought or emotion or action or vision or hearing or whatever. A lot of secret smiling is happening within that at the moment :-)
As far as the body stuff goes, it seems to have settled down a bit, but I'm not sure that it's over. In bed this morning, I felt a jolt through my chest, a sharp pain and then clear seeing, in a flash of a second. I can apply theory to what may or may not have happened, but it's probably not important. Throughout the day I've been experiencing little 'after shocks', like waves of electricity rising and then subsiding.

If possible, get outside into nature and observe

"Sometimes, a lot of repressed energy is freed in this process and I feel the best way to deal with this is to let it circulate, move."

Well, until this evening I actually found the opposite. I couldn't move. I went for a walk round town as going further just simply wasn't possible. Looking at trees, I understood that the tree and the looking and the 'I' are all part of the same thing - that was pretty awesome. It was a slow walk :-)
Now there's a movong in and out of this, a wave like motion and I'll be carried along I guess. There really is immense safety in everything that I just couldn't perceive before. It's that old cliché of seeing something as if you've never seen it before, and yet, and yet there's just this simple and deep knowing that this is the way it always has been.
Thank you so much for your guidance, Nona!

[nonaparry]

What a ride, eh?!! Good noticing!

And 'no one' seems to be the answer to most questions that arise. Who is thinking? No one. Who is believing in that? No one. Who am I? No one!

These questions are as meaningless as division by zero; "'who' is ..." cannot even be asked, as 'who' implies a 'someone'. Check it! and describe what is found.

And it is very funny that this was something frightening...little non-existant 'I' felt out of control and panicky, how can it control anything when it doesn't exist!?

What was that fear hiding?

"I" doesn't exist, and fear does! Fear is a thought coupled with a sensation; it exists, and its content, like that of all thoughts, is imaginary.
Fear is a very useful protective device; it helps keep us from propelling flightless bodies off cliffs, for example.
Fear, like the other so-called 'negative' feelings, is an alert. It asks us to check our circumstance with our direct experience to discover what is true for us. LOOK behind any fear to discover what it's protecting; simple denial of fear may have poor results.

Looking at trees, I understood that the tree and the looking and the 'I' are all part of the same thing

Understood? LOOK again. Describe exactly the

seeing something as if you've never seen it before

What was the direct experience, please? In full detail.

love
Nona

[KateChristine]

Interesting.

"'who' is ..." cannot even be asked, as 'who' implies a 'someone'. Check it! and describe what is found

As I enquired into the 'who', I drew a blank; there is just the silence. I wonder if the 'who' questions, as well as the thoughts that provoke them, fall into the realm of habit. No one is asking OR answering. It's more like a pattern that plays itself out and then fades.

What was that fear hiding?

It is difficult to answer that because I can't seem to find it. I can't feel it anymore. There are thoughts about it, but that's really it. They no longer have any emotional charge. I look and I can see how I 'seemed' to feel or what I 'seemed' to do, but it's like looking at something from a great distance; there's nothing immediate about it, like watching a film. Could this be a form of denial?

LOOK behind any fear to discover what it's protecting; simple denial of fear may have poor results.

I'll have to wait and see when/if it reappears. The 'I' that I was identifying with was fearful of the unknown because she couldn't control it, but that sense of 'I' is fading as I realise that I am not that. (All these I's are tricky to express; I am hoping you know what I mean. I don't want to slip off into cryptic language, so for the sake of clarity I'll stick with the simplest language possible.) The fear at that point was protecting a false sense of identity because 'I' perceived it as true. The unknown no longer seems fearful at all because... well because there is nothing there. Right now is something continuous and flowering and at the same time perfectly stationary. Things move in and out of that, not the other way round. There is a feeling of deep trust, of safety. 'I' had never experienced that before! That's not to say that strong emotions don't or won't come up, who knows, but right now I feel a deep sense of peace that underlies all passing movement.

Understood? LOOK again...What was the direct experience, please?

Understood, not on an intellectual level, more like a recognition of something. Today there is less of this visual phenomenon, but yesterday it was as if everything was shining, like the light came from within it, rather than falling onto it! Beautiful. It was as if everything was made of the same thing, the same light. The physical eyes were looking, but the seeing was wider than that. I talked about the trees, but really it was everything. As I walked around, I could sense the body walking and could feel all the sensations, but at the same time there was presence in everything around the body too. It was like a space, filled up and empty at the same time, where the body was walking and the trees were growing and the traffic was passing and the people were going about their chores, and there was a peaceful silence in everything that was kind of humming, at the same time there was noise. I didn't seem to be limited to the physical body, even though I was anchored there, and so I WAS all that; the movement and the stillness, the looking and the looker and the looked at just melted in a way that is VERY difficult to describe in words. As I say, the visual phenomenon is fading, but the knowing of it is still there, clear.

[nonaparry]

You are doing great work here!

I wonder if the 'who' questions, as well as the thoughts that provoke them, fall into the realm of habit.

Great noticing!! It can be a challenge to see how much conditioning we have mistakenly believed to be an "I".

I can't feel it anymore. There are thoughts about it, but that's really it.

Superb. Now here's a challenge: whenever you have a feeling/emotion (sensation + thought), check if there is really anything other than thoughts about it in that moment.
In this moment NOW, is there, in reality, anything to a 'feeling' that is not a thought? Whoops, that moment is gone; try This one NOW. Whoops, that one's gone too.
Check it and let me know.

The 'I' that I was identifying with was fearful of the unknown because she couldn't control it, but that sense of 'I' is fading as I realise that I am not that.

What happens when I point out that she was never controlling anything at all, she just imagined she was? That all of Life is just happening outside of any control at all?

Understood, not on an intellectual level, more like a recognition of something.

Good. Language can disguise misunderstanding, so I ask any time I don't feel Clear about your seeing. Your description of your direct experience is lovely.

The physical eyes were looking, but the seeing was wider than that.

So Kate, do you SEE clearly there simply is no 'you' at all? Is there any, however niggling, doubt that self is only an illusion and doesn't exist anywhere in reality other than as the imaginary content of a thought? If there is any uncertainty, let's LOOK at it and get clear.

[KateChristine]

You're right, Nona, there IS a niggle. More than a niggle, it turns out. Here's the 100% honesty coming up. I woke up this morning and all the experiencing over the last few days had disappeared and there's been a thought that I cannot seem to get past: that all this is total nonsense. And I'm believing it! It's a terrible feeling. What happened?!
The experience is real, but the thought isn't? The experience was just a thought? I have no idea today. There is a HUGE amount of confusion, and anger! Like I've been totally played. I tried looking, but found myself going round and round like a hamster on a wheel, one thought following another and I got totally sucked in! I couldn't seem to stay in the present moment for more than a few seconds and the whole of life today just passed me by. No, there's no self, but that too is a thought right now, and yet there's the distinct impression of a pretty pissed off self today. I get the feeling that I've been kidding myself and I feel embarrassed. In the moment, right now, I have no clue what's going on and really feel like I've lost the plot somewhere along the line; I don't get it. I did and now I don't. Is that even possible?
I tried to ask questions of the anger. What's it hiding? Fear. So what's the fear hiding? No idea, too angry. Do you have any suggestions to transcend this, or do I start again from scratch? Or give up? It's tiring. There is obviously something that was not authentic, or is that just another thought? I feel like I'm going crazy. Where did this come from? It all feels really fake right now and I have no idea how to look. I look at the posts I've left over the last few days and can't even remember who left them! I know that sounds schizophrenic, but it's how I feel - in the grip of a monster rollarcoaster that's enjoying the ride. How do I get off? I really thought for a moment that I had and it seems now that I was mistaken.
And, on top of all that, the weirdest thing is that I am aware of the presence watching all of this drama. It's like I've got a foot in two parallel worlds and I'm being split in two.

[nonaparry]

No worries Kate!!!! 100% honesty is our contract! I promise that there really is a shift in perspective that makes all the difference in this experience of life. That's all it is. No lightning bolt; just a shift of perspective.
You're actually doing fine. Fear is far more potent than we care to give it credit for, and 'self' is fighting for its life!! On top of that, 'no self' is so incredibly simple that the vast majority of the population overlook it every single day; how can something this obvious be more than nonsense?? I get that. So much mental energy spent protecting the 'personal me'. And there isn't even one to protect.

How do I get off?

First, do some grounding exercises. FEEL your feet on the floor; no shoes if you can get away with it. Sitting, FEEL the contact of the chair with your bum; FOCUS on your breathing. If possible, inhale for 4 counts and exhale for 6. The Rhythm of the breathing is what's important here; rhythmic breathing actually helps the brain to calm and think clearly.

When you are in a grounded place, check what the fear is protecting. Until you're grounded, the fear probably won't allow this. That's okay. We don't want to eliminate fear, just SEE what it's protecting, and check if that actually needs protection!
Fear is a protective mechanism that does its job, sometimes too well. Fear occasionally prevents us from doing things that are safe, too, like going up in a plane or climbing a really tall ladder or crossing a swing-bridge or eating an insect the natives use as food.
What will happen if you genuinely SEE that there is no separate 'you' at all in reality?? What could happen? Be as irrational as possible. Kate will disappear, is it true? Check it!

the weirdest thing is that I am aware of the presence watching all of this drama

Excellent!!!! Isn't that wonderful!?? Here's Life just happening, as it does, with all the apparent drama and emotion of a Broadway musical, yet there is still an awareness of Life's impersonal nature.

It's like I've got a foot in two parallel worlds and I'm being split in two.

Dearheart, check it. Is there any "I" that can be split? Isn't that what we're seeing here? That there is no "I" that is split from everything?

[nonaparry]

p.s. "When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains—however improbable—must be the truth."
~ Sherlock Holmes

[nonaparry]

How's it going today?

love
Nona

[KateChristine]

I'm sorry that I haven't checked in. We've had some unexpected guests arrive and I haven't had the chance... They're here till Monday, so I'll do my best, but if I don't manage to post till then, that's why.
I really appreciated your last post and I've been able to put into practice the grounding techniques. There was a bit of panic that jumped into the foreground. Everything that you've pointed to is so obvious :-) and simple and of course nothing has gone away; it's a case of placing attention. I think I've also been making too much effort, as if there is something to achieve, instead of gentle looking. So simply looking is what I've been doing and what I am doing right now, just looking, watching everything that arises, seeing if it sticks around or if it passes. Everything passes, except the attention, or the awareness of looking. That is what I've noticed. And in that looking awareness there is a peaceful calm that is both emotionless and joyful, a loving, empty, full, aliveness. This is what lies behind each passing phenomenon, even fear :-) I suspect that This is where/what I am and I am in the process of checking it. There is nothing in This and yet there is everything.
Thanks again, Nona.
love
K

[nonaparry]

I've been able to put into practice the grounding techniques.

Good. You certainly *sound* more grounded here!

Everything that you've pointed to is so obvious

Yes. And for some reason that seems to make it harder to bear sometimes. Mind seems to think it needs to justify a lifetime of overlooking it—especially if one has invested years in seeking.

I think I've also been making too much effort, as if there is something to achieve

I was an 'effortful' see-er, too; burning with determination to get it!! And there was no-one to 'get' anything. D'oh!

So simply looking is what I've been doing and what I am doing right now, just looking, watching everything that arises, seeing if it sticks around or if it passes.

Over here we call that Living. ;-)

in that looking awareness there is a peaceful calm that is both emotionless and joyful, a loving, empty, full, aliveness.

Yes. And it is always there for you. Any time you look, it's there.

I am in the process of checking it.

I could not ask for anything more!

I'll check in each day, as usual, and thank you for letting me know about your guests. The distraction may give this all time to integrate.
love
Nona