Longing for nothing

[Marigold]

Hi Barb,

So I had some time to sit still and look.

There is just the perception. Even the word "there" is not accurate. Just the perception. "I" can see "I" could never be in control of anything. Everything just happens. "I" cannot influence how the noise is heard (closer or further away) or what kind of thoughts will come up and whether they will be followed or just noticed for what they are.
There are the leaves moving and breeze is felt. The body is doing its own thing. It breathes, it changes the sitting position if not comfortable. Hand is lifted and moves hair from the face. Everything is noticed. There is no doer. Everything just happens.

Last couple of days there is a lot of anxiousness and agitation but when "I" sit and have time to do this exercise feelings of peacefulness and happiness comes. However, "I" can see that neither the anxiousness neither the peacefulness leave any mark. They are just like clouds passing (I read this somewhere but I think it describe the seeing accurately at the moment).


Nothing is still, yet the perception itself is not moving, not changing. It is always here, neutral, cannot be changed or manipulated.
"I" totally see "I" have no control of anything. There is no "I".
It is a beautiful feeling just to sit, look and notice even though there is no one that does it.

I wish there are more opportunities for me to sit still. A lot of negative thinking comes up (i.e. "I never have time to do my own things", "Everyone constantly need something from me") and there is identification, leaving "me" angry and complaining. "I" wish to be able to perceive the flow of life "as it is" in more challenging situation than just while sitting quietly (simultaneously knowing this is another identification with this particular chain of thoughts). I guess with more practice it will be possible.

I felt little stressed last couple of days I could not answer earlier even though you said to take the time I need. Perhaps once more I say please know I will answer even if it takes more time .

Much love and appreciation👏

[Marigold]

Hi Barb,

So I had some time to sit still and look.

There is just the perception. Even the word "there" is not accurate. Just the perception. "I" can see "I" could never be in control of anything. Everything just happens. "I" cannot influence how the noise is heard (closer or further away) or what kind of thoughts will come up and whether they will be followed or just noticed for what they are.
There are the leaves moving and breeze is felt. The body is doing its own thing. It breathes, it changes the sitting position if not comfortable. Hand is lifted and moves hair from the face. Everything is noticed. There is no doer. Everything just happens.

Last couple of days there is a lot of anxiousness and agitation but when "I" sit and have time to do this exercise feelings of peacefulness and happiness comes. However, "I" can see that neither the anxiousness neither the peacefulness leave any mark. They are just like clouds passing (I read this somewhere but I think it describe the seeing accurately at the moment).


Nothing is still, yet the perception itself is not moving, not changing. It is always here, neutral, cannot be changed or manipulated.
"I" totally see "I" have no control of anything. There is no "I".
It is a beautiful feeling just to sit, look and notice even though there is no one that does it.

I wish there are more opportunities for me to sit still. A lot of negative thinking comes up (i.e. "I never have time to do my own things", "Everyone constantly need something from me") and there is identification, leaving "me" angry and complaining. "I" wish to be able to perceive the flow of life "as it is" in more challenging situation than just while sitting quietly (simultaneously knowing this is another identification with this particular chain of thoughts). I guess with more practice it will be possible.

I felt little stressed last couple of days I could not answer earlier even though you said to take the time I need. Perhaps once more I say please know I will answer even if it takes more time .

Much love and appreciation👏

[barb]

There is just the perception. Even the word "there" is not accurate. Just the perception. "I" can see "I" could never be in control of anything. Everything just happens. "I" cannot influence how the noise is heard (closer or further away) or what kind of thoughts will come up and whether they will be followed or just noticed for what they are.
There are the leaves moving and breeze is felt. The body is doing its own thing. It breathes, it changes the sitting position if not comfortable. Hand is lifted and moves hair from the face. Everything is noticed. There is no doer. Everything just happens.

Yes, beautiful :)

Last couple of days there is a lot of anxiousness and agitation but when "I" sit and have time to do this exercise feelings of peacefulness and happiness comes. However, "I" can see that neither the anxiousness neither the peacefulness leave any mark. They are just like clouds passing (I read this somewhere but I think it describe the seeing accurately at the moment).

Great discovery... And yes, there will always be pleasure and pain, no matter if you have seen through the illusion of separation. But it could be that it is much easier if it is not taken personally...

Nothing is still, yet the perception itself is not moving, not changing. It is always here, neutral, cannot be changed or manipulated. 
"I" totally see "I" have no control of anything. There is no "I". 
It is a beautiful feeling just to sit, look and notice even though there is no one that does it. 

<3

I wish there are more opportunities for me to sit still. A lot of negative thinking comes up (i.e. "I never have time to do my own things", "Everyone constantly need something from me") and there is identification, leaving "me" angry and complaining. "I" wish to be able to perceive the flow of life "as it is" in more challenging situation than just while sitting quietly (simultaneously knowing this is another identification with this particular chain of thoughts). I guess with more practice it will be possible.

This are all appearances, and this too shall pass...
It could happen, if there is the seeing that there is no separate „I“, that it is easier to say no if there is a feeling that someone is taking advantage of your good nature.
And yes, it is a matter of practice to perceive the flow of life during actions.

Is not absolutely everything the flow of life? Could there ever be some other appearance which is not life? Even the complaining, the wishes, the anger, the identifications... ?

I felt little stressed last couple of days I could not answer earlier even though you said to take the time I need. Perhaps once more I say please know I will answer even if it takes more time .

I know dear Sonia, I will write you a PM (look into the folder in the right upper corner...)

So would you say, that you're 100 % sure, that you've seen that the separate „I“ is an Illusion?

If this is the case, then I would like to give you some final questions to see if anything else wants to be watched...

<3

[Marigold]

Hi Barb,

Is not absolutely everything the flow of life? Could there ever be some other appearance which is not life? Even the complaining, the wishes, the anger, the identifications... ?

No,there can't be anything else than the flow of life:)

So would you say, that you're 100 % sure, that you've seen that the separate „I“ is an Illusion?

I can see that there is no "I" as some person or entity who makes decisions or controls the flow of life.It cannot be since "I" don't know what the next thought will be and if it will be acted upon it or not.The "body" takes care of itself - there is no need for anyone to direct or watch over its functions.It is all just spontaneously happening and the only thing that is is the perception of all of it..
"I" don't know if I have seen 100% but "I" cannot find any one when looking.

I will be happy for final questions and I am curious what will my answer be:)
Thank you Barb🙏🙏

[barb]

No,there can't be anything else than the flow of life:)

:)

So would you say, that you're 100 % sure, that you've seen that the separate „I“ is an Illusion?

I can see that there is no "I" as some person or entity who makes decisions or controls the flow of life.It cannot be since "I" don't know what the next thought will be and if it will be acted upon it or not.The "body" takes care of itself - there is no need for anyone to direct or watch over its functions.It is all just spontaneously happening and the only thing that is is the perception of all of it..

Beautiful :)

"I" don't know if I have seen 100% but "I" cannot find any one when looking.

Haha, I guess you've seen that nothing can be know for sure, very good... ;)

I will be happy for final questions and I am curious what will my answer be:)

Here they are:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Take as much time you need for answering... :)

Much love <3 _()_

[Marigold]

Hi Barb,

I thought I will have time to write today but I will try during the weekend. I know you said to take the time which I really appreciate but I thought of writing anyway and also to say thank you😊🙏🙏

[barb]

Thank you and take all your time... :)

Much love <3

[Marigold]

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No, there is no separate entity called the "self" or "I" and there never was any.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

I would say that the illusion of separate self is thinking that there is some "centre", some "I" or "me" in each of us. It thinks it can act independently of "others" or circumstances, control the flow of life, make decisions and think for itself.
I don not know when it starts. I do remember questions like "where did the past go", I remember thinking about the word "infinity and eternal" and the frustration that I could not grasp it or experience it and it didn't make any sense of how this could be. I also remember looking to the mirror as a child often and being scared of the person who is in it, I wanted to touch but I was afraid. All those things "makes me think" that we slowly identify with the illusion of separate "I" while we grow up, learn, take over ideas about 'ourselves' from our parents, friends, teachers, reading.. (e.i. such a nice girl you are, well done at school, you will never be like your sister, I am Czech, I am this age, I am a carer..). Slowly we identify with those kind of thoughts and remain contracted thinking that we are some person inside of the body.
Believing in this separate entity of "self" we "try" to do our best, we try to secure things for the future (i.e. good education, good job, good place to live, connect with good people, find a suitable partner that we will have a nice life with). We strive to look for advantages that would benefit in any way. We want to be the best, we want to be different, we want to be seen in certain light and we want to be taken seriously from "others" :)

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

There is a great relaxation. I knew intellectually from the spiritual literature that it would be good to accept things as they are. Knowing this there was still often a tense feeling if something went the way it was not supposed to go that urged "me" to control the circumstances, blame myself or someone and also the lack of a trust in letting go. If something went nicely then "I" would be pleased with myself...therefore also not accepting it only as it is. There was the "I" that gained something or pleased someone. There was identification with the illusory "I".
Last couple of days or I would say a week I just feel more at peace with whatever is. I can see there is less judgments towards "everyone" - "me" included as I see that there is no choice. Saying that it doesn't feel frustrating or depressing anymore like it did before. This seeing is more accepting. Just really looking. There is no one to be damaged or pleased:)
Otherwise, there is no great change in anything. There is no improvement of circumstances. Life is as it was before. There is no great blissful revelation. It feels rather like a subtle change in perception? One thing that is noticeable is that there is less of the "mind chatting".

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?

Probably the exploration of control over thoughts. When I really look then it is so obvious that there is no one who can control anything. Everything just happens. I don't know what my next thought will be and I don't know whether "I" will be hooked up and follow the thought or just see it for what it is. In this way the judgement towards "myself" also diminished since "I" am not in control. No one is:)
Also recognising the mind as the "labelling machine" when I look at certain objects and see how the mind without any intention creates stories, give information from the past or from books, coming out with scenarios of different situations.. No one is asking for that happening yet it is spontaneously seen on its own:)

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

There is no decision, no intention or free will. There is no choice or control either. Everything is just seen or perceived. How does it work? I don't know. Perhaps conditioning, learning.. soaking up all the information around us, our ever changing mental and physical state. There is no one who can have control and also no one who can not have control. There is no right or wrong choices or decisions. There is nothing. What has to be seen is seen and perceived. "I" don't have the control what or if something comes up next.
Since there is no "I", no one who controls then no one is responsible for anything. Everything just happens.

As an example - we are on holiday from today. We left our home for 3 weeks with our 2 years old so there was a great amount of packing and preparing for the journey. I would be usually thinking long time ahead of what to wear, what to buy last minute just in case, stressed about having everything as I wanted to have. This time there were still thoughts of what kind of clothes I wanted and I don't have (frustration, upset), what train would be best to take, how I wanted to look.. and even though the reality was different and negative feelings appeared it was all ok. It was just perceived, noticed. I think I read this somewhere but it would be accurate to say that all the emotions, thoughts and feelings just don't "glue" to anything. They are just passing.
I feel this example as very artificial one but really all the preparation for the holiday was just smooth. Expectations that were met and ones that were not met were seen. All was fine without great deal of stress.
Another quick example is a recent one too. I found in the morning there was no milk in the fridge when I wanted to give some to my child while she was ill. I was on my own with no car for driving up to the usual store where I get it. A lot of angry feelings aroused towards my partner that he was not able to let me know that he used up the last drop so I could get it the night before while driving home from work. The thinking mind was already making a plan of how to solve this problem but then it was just all perceived. The judgement towards my partner and also towards myself (for judging my partner) was seen. Something relaxed and from that day there was even more relaxation as I found myself half an hour later taking my daughter for a walk to the shop I have never been to. I felt even more that I am not in control. The body just knows what to do. I don't think of getting dressed, brushing my teeth, putting the shoes on. It all just happens. Eating, sleeping, going to the toilet, taking shower, washing the hair. There is only seeing/noticing.

6) Anything to add?

I think writing about it in some way I feel it doesn't do it justice. I am not sure I have put it the way it is felt but even writing this is all fine. There is such a relief. Things are still the same. Heights and lows. I have to say I feel more at peace and ok, more grateful and more accepting. I am sure there will be plenty more to explore..
I am using the word "I" but I know this is for the language. There is no such a thing. Everything is just perceived. Without any intention. "I" cannot stop it or control it or causing it..

Thank you so much for leading, pointing and being patient:)

[barb]

Thank you very much for your answers, I have no questions ... Some other guide will read over it, if there are further questions... This could last a few days...

Thank you so much for your trust and honesty and have beautiful holidays... :))

Much love <3

[Marigold]

Thank you Barb,
This is all so great.
Thank you:)