Looking for guidance

[Brian.Hales]

Hi I'm new to the forum and feel this may be the place that I finally set down this huge weight I'm carrying. I feel very close because my heart is beating in anticipation/fear of what may be realized. So I would gratefully appreciate any guidance anyone can give.

Thank you,
Brian

[jeffdilbeck]

Hey Brian,

I'd like to walk with you through this. Would you accept me as your guide?

[Brian.Hales]

Sure Jeff, Let's give it a whirl

[Brian.Hales]

Actually the rules say that 2 green coded members cannot converse in the one on one forum. Correct me if I'm wrong here.

[jeffdilbeck]

I'm not green, I'm red. Might be a site bug.

Yeah. two greens can't work, but i'm not green so it is cool.

A little groundwork:

I ask questions, you answer, you can ask questions, I'll answer, etc. I expect complete honesty in your answers or I can't actually help the situation, and please post at least once a day, if not more.

Let us first lay out 'your' expectations for this.

What are they?

Love,
Jeff

[Brian.Hales]

Yeah I'm on an iPhone so it probably is a bug.
Anyway, what are my expectations?
Hmm, I think I'll give a bit of background to make my answer a little clearer.
About 5 years ago, I had a realization that basically flipped my world upside down. I saw in a flash of insight that there is not, never was, and most likely never will be a single human being that knows what the hell all of this (arms pointing all around) is! Needless to say, my days of thoughtless atheism were put to rest. After that head cracking realization, I have been filled with an insatiable desire to know what in the hell is going on, and along the way have learned many interesting things. But none are AS interesting as the apparent non-dual reality that is spoken about. I can intellectually understand pretty clearly that "I" as a concept do not exist. However I don't seem to have "realized" it... If that makes any sense?
I think of myself as a student of life, and since you are a part of life, I expect that you can tutor me in this realization. :-)

I accept all of the ground rules... So let's get this ball rolling.

[Brian.Hales]

I expect to realize clearly that there is no "I", "me", "Brian", and to make it "real", meaning viscerally felt. I expect that the illusion of separation will melt away and all that's left will be pure abiding awareness. That's all, if that's not too much trouble for ya. ;)
Maybe I expect too much, maybe that's the problem?

[jeffdilbeck]

There is nothing wrong with those expectations.

Put them away for a while and let's start looking.

When I say there is no self in reality, at all, as in zero, what pops up? First thought. Even if a picture, what is the first thought of?

Love,
Jeff

[Brian.Hales]

Well I just woke up and read your post, so I'm a little groggy but the first thing that came to mind was "Come on Jeff, this seems like a very generic question."
My mind can be pretty cynical though. I think it's a defense mechanism.

Incidentally I just looked up the meaning of cynical to make sure I was using it right and I got this:
Adjective
Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.

This is "me" exactly. Wow. What a fucked up thing to realize about your self.
As I'm thinking about how fucked up that is to see my Self like that. I'm thinking. What self? Where is it? Where is this self located? It seems to be just behavior patterns or automatic thoughts that pop up into awareness. Then apparently other thoughts come in and say, "that's me, I'm sarcastic". So the root seems to be that there is still a belief in this "me", but it's weird because I can understand pretty clearly that there is not. Please help me.

[jeffdilbeck]

It is actually pretty simple. You believe your thoughts as 'you' when in fact they are just thoughts that happen without the existence of a thinker/experiencer/entity. There isn't a 'you', it is a combination of brain/mind activity and meat suit.

Even this 'you' which thinks is brain activity. It isn't a 'you'.
Even the one which sees this is brain activity. It isn't a 'you'.

There is this whole other thing to it to, but we'll look at that later.

So while you are 'thinking' that 'you' are thinking, look for this 'I' in reality. Is it really there, or is thought just believing another thought? Look at how you label everything, my screen, my table, my computer, my floor.
Thoughts happen also this way, and you start thinking 'my thoughts'. But the content of the thoughts is automatic and there isn't an actual doer involved.

Look at this, and tell me what is seen, and do not worry about at what level this is seen.

Love,
Jeff

[Brian.Hales]

I've sat with this for a little while, just chewing on it, and I have to agree. The thoughts are definitely labeling other thoughts as me or mine. They also seem to be linked with a feeling vaguely in my throat area (I know kinda weird). I can understand that the thoughts and the feeling aren't mine or me, but they seem to persist in their apparent will to be called mine or me. Also I can see that the thoughts are labeling the awareness of it all as me. Which is new for me, because I have assumed in the past that if I'm not the feelings or the thoughts, I must be the awareness. I just noticed this while typing so I'll have to digest it a bit and get back to you on this one.

[jeffdilbeck]

No problem.

nature helps.

Love,
Jeff

[Brian.Hales]

So here's what I've got as I watched my mind for the last couple hours. I've noticed that things can go on as they've always gone on without a me, they just keep on happening all by themselves without any need for there to even be someone there. The mind goes on labeling my thoughts as me, the awareness as me, my things, my life, my car, my whatever, but I notice it as it's happening. Of course when I say "I" notice it, I am only saying that for purposes of communication.

[jeffdilbeck]

Is there a separate self in reality at all?

Love,
Jeff

[Brian.Hales]

No. Even if my mind keeps saying that there is. Lol