Step in, Engage..

[Ilona]

Welcome here.
the basic rule is honesty.
i ask a question, you look for answer by yourself, and come back at least once a day.

so who are you and how did you end up here?

[GhostNtheShell]

My name is J.D. I was browsing through the stillnessspeaks website and found my way here. I have read Tolle, J. Krishnamurti, Rumi, Nisargaddata, Ramana, Tao Te Ching, The Three Pillars of Zen, and much more. I am tired of the searching and not finding. I am ready.

[Ilona]

Awesome ghost. Welcome here.

I understand you know A LOT about what it should be and feel like.
Bring it all here.
Write a long and detailed list of all that you know and expect to happen, what it is like after and so on.
Take your time and don't forget anything.

[GhostNtheShell]

Ilona,

My concept of enlightenment is everything I have read, and therefore second hand knowledge. I truly know nothing. I expect that my illusion that I am this body, feelings, thoughts will drop. I understand that this can be a painful process as everything I know must die. I will perceive directly the Truth of my being. Afterwards, I will "chop wood, carry water" . I thought I would have more to say. I have questions which I can not answer when I look inside. There is a void, a darkness that yields no answers. Who is hearing? for instance. There is a sound but I can't find the self who hears. I am typing these words but where do they come from? Emptiness? I have hit a wall with this questioning. This is not answering what you assigned me to do. Sorry. Thank you for your guidance and being here to guide me down the rabbit hole.

[Ilona]

Ok, let's go down the rabbit hole...
I see you are already falling through.

Yes, who is hearing? Can it be that hearing, hearer and the heard is one? Experience happening, does it need an experiencer outside the experience for it to be experienced?

Look in real life now.
Lift your right hand.

How did this work?
Is there a doer of lifting?

Is there a doer of breathing? If you say, I breathe, does that mean that there is some kind of entity that does that breathing?

Now look at direct experience now and write what you see.

[GhostNtheShell]

I am able to watch the breathing happen as an observer. I notice that I can make this body breathe faster or slower. This leads me to believe that I have some control over this body. When I lift my hand and observe it I see that I consciously made a decision to raise it and that also gives me a feeling of control.

[Ilona]

Tell me, what comes up when you let this thought into the system:

There is no separate entity 'me' at all in real life. As in zero.

Notice thoughts, feelings, write down here.

[GhostNtheShell]

Fear arises when I think there is no "me". Afraid I will start drinking again, that I won't know how to act around family. I will have no control. Everything will become meaningless and I will not be creative. The world as I know it will no longer exist. No point of reference. No judgement. Afraid I will go insane in this search. Sadness fills me. Sadness for the loss of everything I love. This is my funeral and I am burying myself.

[Ilona]

I see.
It's not your funeral and there is no death, it's not the end of love or creativity.

Think about this:
When you were a kid and one day a friend told you that Santa wasn't real, what happened to Santa? Did it die?
The illusion was seen through and life went on as it did before, no blood, no funeral, no nothing. Just a drop of belief in fantasy nonsense.

So it's the same in this case too, nothing dies, as 'me' simply does not exist. An assumption that there is a separate entity makes it appear real. And it has never been questioned before, so it seems really frightening.


Now look at that fear that came up. Being it closer. Examine the mechanism. How does it work? What is it protecting?

[GhostNtheShell]

Looking at my fear I can see that it arises to protect my identity and the sense that I have control. Intellectually I realize there is no self, but living from that is unfathomable to me.

[Ilona]

It's ok, I'll guide you through.

Now bring that fear closer, and really examine the mechanism itself. How does it work? Can you locate a feeling of contraction in the body?
Thank that fear, it's doing it's job perfectly. Honour it.

Can you appreciate fear itself?
Bow to it with respect.

Then- look what is behind the fear.
Tell me what is it?

[GhostNtheShell]

I don't understand how to look behind the fear. I can sense unease in my body, especially around my chest area. When I dwell on the thought there is no "me" thoughts arise throwing doubt on this truth. I feel trapped. Nowhere to turn. No practice of meditation or mantra or anything else I have tried has pulled me through this black hole. Self looking for no self. If there truly is no self; who is looking? Stuck on an endless loop. Ilona, do you get frustrated at pointing to the moon and slow learners like me keep staring at the reflection in a puddle?

[Ilona]

You don not need to understand how to do it. just do it. like if you were a curious child and i told you look, what is behind? so you just bring that fear closer and take peek. see what is there that needs to be protected? what is hiding behind the fear itself.

i don't get frustrated, no. i can only tell you where to look. if frustration arises for you, it's great, it's just part of process. trust it. it's here for a reason.

[GhostNtheShell]

If there is no self and I am already enlightened then what am I seeking? Is truth realization self actualizing? How will I know if I got it? It seems all I have to do is not identify with thoughts and see through the deception of ego. It sounds so simple. When I wake up in the morning the monkey mind is already swinging from Maya's branches. There is a lot of unease and all I want to do is go back to sleep into the arms of the void. I will continue to observe self and watch the movie magic happen. Am I on track or completely going in the wrong direction?

[Ilona]

There is no self, there is no one to get enlightened. But unless it's seen. Learnt- its a belief. Which is only gonna crate more confusion in the system.

This you don't want.

Tell me, what is it you know for sure, 100%. Honestly please.