Hi Stacy, I'll respond to your body sensing exercises but wanted to respond to the second post first. FYI body sensing was part of another practice I used to do so I'm more familiar with sensing the body field than I am with investigating other. Aspects of doer ship.
I was remembering your original post and some of the things said there, because your answers almost seem to come from seeing no self. Do you feel you have seen no self?
I would say maybe or no.
Maybe because there's been a lot of positive changes. I've been seeing the body differently and feeling it to be much more automatic, I've becomes less hard on myself for a wrong decision. I've caught myself thinking negative future thoughts/commentary and seeing that it's just pure speculation based on fears or desires. The hand flipping exercise and the lack of personal control of thoughts were big Insights. Today I was looking at thoughts as automatic or autonomous and catching some that were self-centered patterns and then I realized that even the catcher thought is autonomous. So no credit or blame to go to me (or anyone..or maybe credit to you.heheh) that felt very relaxing and feeling off the hook of sorts.
Another positive is seeing negative circumstances as more of 'It's what's happening and the body will just react the best it can so chill out)
I say NO I don't think I have seen no-self deeply based on the fact that I don't really see observer and observed as one. Like they have in the LU book where they talk about seeing whether there really is a watcher of thought or a seer of seeing etc. I understand that logically but I feel there's some Sid standing behind a window (or the eyes) looking out at seeing. Also maybe expectations of more peace?
Also, maybe relevant, I always feel I am not good at what I actually know. Like at work I'd worry that I'm doing such a bad job, and then I find out that everyone thought I did fantastic. Not sure if that same pattern is playing out in seeking.
After seeing, usually seeking does not come back. We know there is no self and we simply start cleaning up the thinking that is untrue. What is your experience of seeking right now?
I feel like the exercises I've done have resulted in proving to myself with evidence that things I thought I controlled are not in my control. The desire to understand a few more things is nagging at me mainly wanting to understand the awareness teaching which says 'everything is my awareness' and how does it relate to no-self. I've set aside reading or watching anything about that but there's a nagging need to tie up that loose end.
You speak of "forgetting."
Question: How could you then write about it if you "forgot?"
Mmmm very interesting question. I guess it's what I'd say is like the difference between the real apple and thought contents about apple. In that case I felt it very truly when it happened, but later it was more like someone told me about it. The conviction was missing. Though the exercise we've been doing have brought more conviction to me that what I saw was true and provable.
You see, the experience shifts. The seeing becomes your normal and may not be as vivid as the first seeing. Or some other corner of your thinking/story comes up to be explored. There is almost always a LOT of work to do after we see there is no self.
Good to know. Yes it's possible I'm expecting some feeling of love of all things and complete acceptance of others and my actions as a measure of it. But I still want to investigate whether I have some beliefs of having a self that are hiding. Wish there was a checklist of self hiding places to run through..guess I need to have a deeper look myself.
Apologies if that was a lot.
Love
Sid
