Where is there a you in this experiencing?
"I'm here." Either this answer comes up or "I know there isn't a me anywhere", both of these answers seem like a form of escape from seeing. And if no answer comes up it seems my mind almost shuts off and no thoughts are heard, I just feel my stomach slowly rising to my breath, the air going in through my nose, and yet it feels as though somewhere up there a self is still thinking about the experience, yet I'm just not aware of it. But how can I be aware of a separate me? There is only one me... right? But every time a thought or a reflex or impulse to do something arises even as simple as wanting to drink some juice, scratch my arm or shift my focus, I feel great disappointment in myself and it's difficult to pinpoint where it comes from except from my expectation of being able to focus on one thing, and that being the dissolving of the self at the moment.
Can a you be found in this thought? (sort of like can a bell be found in the sound that thought labels a bell)
Not really... but I don't know what this means... Or there is no meaning to it and it's just the self trying to think another thought about a thought about a thought... But it still comes in the form of an I want to do this or that. But it feels mostly subconscious... As if I'm not doing anything the right way and there's constantly a tiny adjustment to be made, like I'm not sitting comfortably, this isn't the proper pose, I'm being lazy and not doing what I should be doing, I'm hungry, thirsty, I'm not breathing properly... an endless dissatisfaction with the present moment, but even when I recognise it for the self trying to distract me, and persist with remaining motionless in the present moment, a little bit later it becomes subconscious and i open my eyes or do something without even thinking about it, or at least thats what it seems like...
I think you're falling into some continuity issues like I was. Fact of there still being a sense of something there. Break it down to its very sensate qualities just like the false sense of self is a number of beliefs, concepts, and ideas which give the false sense that a Matt is there.
I think I understand what you mean by this, but I don't know how to see past it. Slowing things down seems to work to a certain degree, but then I get caught up in the space between two things and a thought occurs that I'm not breathing so I consciously force myself to breathe, whereas I know somewhere that the breath doesn't need me to consciously breathe it, it'll do it automatically, but sometimes it's difficult going into that state of simply observing the breath and the border between control/observation seems to blur, sometimes i no longer know if i'm doing the breathing or the breath is doing itself and i'm just observing. It all does seem continuous if not for any reason than the belief that it all exists simultaneously and always does, instead of my focus moving to one place and perceiving one thing, then to another and perceiving another, but it's all just creating the new perception the moment the focus moves, creating the illusion of continuity right?
So to is the sense of something there, a collection of the five senses (thought, hearing, touching, tasting, seeing). See how these things aren't actually continuitious but rather follow one after the other in fast succession.
Ah, just what I was writing about in answer to the previous section... Not sure I understand the first part: "So to is the sense of something there" is there a typo here? or am I just not following the sentence properly... Could you say it in another way? I think I get the general meaning and that's what I was just saying before, that the consciousness moves from one sense perception to the next in super super fast succession creating the illusion of continuity, but how do I see through this continuity? I read somewhere about someone slowing their thoughts down until they could see the spaces between the words of the thought and between the thoughts themselves and just slowed things down enough to become the space between the thoughts, how do I do this? when a thought occurs its just one quick stream, I'll give it a try throughout the day though.
I liken it to say a car which isn't actually what the name conventionally says it is.... it is made up of a huge amount of parts that when put together a certain way gives a specific function.
Also think of the I as a rubber band ball. Each rubber band being a thought. It gives the illusion of a ball but when the bands are pulled away, you will notice that there is actually no ball in the center. It wasn't a ball at all!
I read some of your blog about the whole rubber band idea, it's a perfect analogy and I'll try pondering it with this in mind, but this whole process I seem to be making more mistakes than successes and I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but the whole time I feel like I know that this is all just part of the process and there is no right or wrong way to do it, this is just my way of doing it and it's wholly unique and only I can do it, no one else can do it for me and all that is left is to just be grateful for whatever comes into my life to be helpful whether negative or positive, but the positive things feel like they reinforce my ego and so do the negative ones as I try to control the result or situation itself...
